Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
In Which SCROTUS Covers Up a Murder, and Republicans do…Wow, a Fuckton of Super-Racist Shit
Turned on the news today, saw it was full of the shittiest people on Earth betraying American values to line their own pockets, and I wondered, “is this a re-run?”
Mitch McConnell, like an overeager actor who rushes onstage five scenes too early, just couldn’t stop himself. Presented with a cue regarding the Trump’s-ass-sized hole his bullshit scam tax bill blew in the deficit, Yertle practically tap-danced with glee in setting forth phase two of his shabby-from-overuse master plan: yes, now that we’ve starved the federal budget by delivering untold billions to the already-wealthy via candygram, it is once again time to drown entitlements in the bathtub, alongside grandma and grandpa once they’re no longer productive members of the serf class.
Oh, and Mitch can’t wait to sink his little terrapin claws into Obamacare repeal the very next chance he gets, possibly because he needs to drain life-force from the working class to survive. The GOP at large has taken the somewhat curious position that, after eight years of near-daily attempts to repeal protections for Americans with pre-existing conditions, suddenly they love protections for Americans with pre-existing conditions more than the punch at a Koch brothers retreat, and that shit’s spiked with secretions from the adrenal glands of Bengal tigers.
Seriously, do they think we didn’t notice? Ted Cruz out there pitching this shit like he didn’t shut down the whole fuckin’ government cuz he didn’t get to personally wheel poor people out of the ICU and dump ‘em on the sidewalk? Do they think the average voter is like the Memento guy? Because we all totally remember the Pompous White Guy Party y’all threw when the House passed their AHCA bill. It was last year. If we can keep up with Game of Thrones, we can remember your Yay For Shorter Lifespans shindig from LAST YEAR.
Precocious Paul Manafort does not like to admit that he is a multiple felon who lives in prison now, and a federal judge had to remind him that regular clothes like suits and superhero mask/bathrobe combinations are for folks who have not been convicted of so very many crimes, and so he has to wear a jumpsuit, but he is certainly free to pretend he is in Devo if that helps.
But maybe incarceration will work out for Paulie. He’s already made a new best friend, and that best friend’s name is Robert Mueller! Prisoner Paul and Bodacious Bob hang out ALL THE TIME! They’ve met at least nine times in the last month, so they’ve probably almost finished binging Mad Men by now. Sigh. I wonder what they talk about? I guess I’ll have to wait for the next round of indictments to find out.
Oh, and Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein gave an interview saying that yuh huh the Mueller investigation is real and good and not a witch hunt at all no matter what Devin Nunes says whenever he pulls his lips off a hog’s rectum long enough to talk, anyway.
We’re getting conflicting reports regarding whether Interior Secretary Cowboy Ryan Zinke has made a Hail Mary to snatch the Coveted Cabinet Corruption Crown away from dearly departed Scott Pruitt once and for all, by firing the Inspector General investigating his amusingly-open corruption, or if he just really really wants to. Anyway, congratulations to the President on his ongoing success draining that D.C. swamp! Heckuva job, Sharty!
What’s this now? The IG report came out, and it says Zinke Bootz has been a very naughty boy indeed? Ah, you damn near pulled it off, bud. Just a smidge late.
Somehow, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits has convinced himself that everything’s great, everybody loves him, and that all Republicans need to preserve their Congressional majorities in the midterms is to have his shitty little face broadcast on the television box, belching up all the hateful garbage he can muster, 24/7.
Central to the pitch is his own mighty, warped-from-years-of-exposure-to-experimental-hair-tonics brain! Why of course he understands the military better than his Secretary of Defense (whose nickname must surely have evolved by now into “Extremely Patient Dog Mattis”), and with his infallible “natural instinct for science,” he effortlessly overrules the overwhelming consensus on climate science!
…dude spends too much time at rallies full of fawning cultists. The rest of us recognize him for he is; a doddering old egomaniac in declining mental health, who never even figured out how to tie a goddamn necktie. Old man, you don’t have the “natural instinct” of a waffle.
And Toupee Fiasco even imagines his misogynistic insults directed at Stormy Daniels are some sort of deft electoral ploy, finally energizing that untapped “All I want from a President is a disgusting old man who insults his old lovers’ looks” vote.
Further political shrewdness was displayed when Fat Q*Bert whined about how he was far, far, too busy to visit our troops in combat zones! Oh so very busy with presidenting all the time, and please pay no attention to Lindsey Graham carrying my golf bag down to the motorcade, it’s work, work, work for me! Anyway, thanks to everyone fighting and dying in the world’s many shitholes, and don’t forget I’m also too busy to greet the returning remains of the fallen!
The horror of the murder and dismemberment of journalist Jamal Khashoggi has presented Team Treasonweasel with the opportunity to piss on an entirely different set of foundational American values than they usually get to piss on, and let it never be said that they haven’t made the most of that opportunity.
First came Mike Pompeo gladhanding with the murderous Saudi Prince behind the atrocity, posing for photos with MBS like they were opening a fucking Ponderosa.
And then came the the cringeworthy spectacle of the governments of the United States and Saudi Arabia scrambling like characters in a chintzy Tarantino knock-off, trying to cover up their grisly fuckery so they can go back to business as usual. Every time an alibi started to take shape, some pesky journalist would pop up with new details, and they’d have to start over. They could always take care of the journalists the old-fashioned way, but gosh, that’s how they got into this mess in the first place!
In the midst of everything, young Jar-Jar wanders around in his store-bought Mr. Diplomat Halloween costume, shrugging off his responsibility for installing this homicidal tyrant in the first place, because he was only ever in it for the money, and it was really never more than a hobby at any rate, and perhaps he’ll try writing a romance novel instead, as this sordid little episode has become simply tiresome.
Jared, in his worldly wisdom, assured Daddy Dipshit that all of this will surely blow over, and they’ll get it away with it like they get away with everything else. Nah, kid…y’all haven’t gotten away with anything. We just had to wait a couple years before we could vote again. You’ve got 18 days left to get away with shit. I’d sneak the silverware out tonight, if I were you.
Even poor Steve Mnuchbag had to cancel his Saudi vacation, which is extra-disappointing because Louise Linton had been super-excited to show off the new dress she’d had made from the skins of the working poor.
Visibly Decomposing BigotHusk Pat Robertson weighed in from the festering tar pit he inhabits, which he laughably considers to be some sort of moral high ground, positing that we shouldn’t let something as silly as one little ol’ murder stand in the way of a major arms deal, and if Jesus didn’t immediately resurrect himself to slap the evil right out of Pat’s mouth, then folks, he ain’t comin’ back. Ever.
While there’s been plenty of focus on the rather obvious hypocrisy of this faux Christian whippin’ up what’s likely to be the final erection of his misbegotten life at the thought of America profiting off the Saudis’ near-genocidal war in Yemen, we should also take a moment to appreciate Pat falling for the utterly phony idea that the “100 billion dollar arms deal” is real, and not just a carrot on a string used to dangle tantalizingly before the Western rubes. It’s a nice double-whammy of hatred and ignorance. Vintage Robertson.
With the midterm elections looking more and more like the cliff Republican lemmings have been running steadily towards for 18 months now, the GOP is understandably frantically searching for any strategy to minimize their losses.
“Let’s run on our records!” shouts some doe-eyed freshman from the back. Paul Ryan, chuckling darkly, says simply, “Well son, good luck with your ad about how we cut everybody’s boss’ taxes, shrunk national parks, and threw children into internment camps…me, I’m going with my ol’ faithful fallback: scaring the piss out of stupid white people!”
Yeah, that’s the closing argument: brown people are coming for you, and Democrats are giving them health insurance and sledgehammers and keys to your back door. Since the MS-13 crime wave has stubbornly refused to manifest in real life, Tangerine Idi Amin had to settle for a migrant caravan to demonize. He’s threatening to suspend foreign aid and send the military to the border and probably fill the Rio Grande with sharks and mines.
President Crotchrot is hardly alone in his hate-fueled fear-mongering, of course. CongressDouche John Faso, facing a competitive race, isn’t talking about how great a representative John Faso has been, no, all he wants to discuss is the scary rap music his African-American opponent, a fucking RHODES SCHOLAR, used to make. Me, I say donate to Antonio Delgado and send John Faso home to knit.
Jason Chaffetz might not be a GOP lawmaker anymore, but he wants you to know he’s still racist enough to rejoin the club whenever he wants.
And then there’s the ad from backers of French Hill in the Arkansas 2nd, so far past the limits of decency and taste that it is beyond my powers of exaggeration to even comment on it. Listen for yourself. Then donate to Hill’s awesome opponent, Clarke Tucker.
Shit, I almost forgot about this ad, which hits nearly every square on the racist bingo card. That’s the kind of week it’s been. I’ve actually lost track of all the individual instances of hate spread by the institutional Republican Party. Anyway, if you wanna fight back against this shameful hatred, click here and support Dan Feehan.
Oh, Steve King endorsed a white supremacist candidate. I nearly didn’t mention it, because does “Steve King did a big fat racist thing because he’s a big fat racist” really qualify as “news” anymore? Creepy old bastard’s gonna start wearing jodhpurs on the floor of the House soon.
Meanwhile, the aptly-named Dave Brat has chosen to lean on another tentpole of modern conservatism: whining. In conversation with an inmate in an addiction support group, Dave-O showed off his empathy chops, saying, “Lady, you think YOU’VE got problems? Well I’m running a re-election and my opponent…is CAMPAIGNING! Get in line, is all I’m sayin’!” He seems nice. I prefer Abigail Spanberger, myself.
We shouldn’t neglect the Republijag candidates running on naked, unapologetic, corruption. Seems Governor Rick Scott, the Duke of Medicare Fraud himself, swapped a $500,000 PAC donation for investing $200 million of Florida’s money in a private equity firm. I shoulda been a right-wing politician; it’s much more lucrative than my humble tip jar.
Meanwhile Nevada Senator Dean Heller got caught pitching some wacky, b-movie-sounding, experimental “brainwave” treatment to the VA. Is there any evidence the treatment works? Of course not! Is the company behind the treatment connected to Heller’s aides? Why, yes, why do you ask?
Oh my! Rumor has it that Chief of Stuff John Kelly and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip got into a fight outside the Oval Office this afternoon! We are told there were even SWEARS exchanged! (GASP! But CIVILITY!) I’m not surprised. I’ve read enough comic books to know that super-villain teams always fall apart, because garbage people don’t get along with anybody, even other garbage people.
Anyhow, I tried and tried, but I can’t come up with anything to improve on a headline like, “Pro-Trump pimp, Nevada GOP assembly candidate Dennis Hof dies after rally, birthday party with Grover Norquist, Joe Arpaio and porn legend Ron Jeremy,” so I’ll just let that one ride on its own.
We’ve been swimming in a sea of madness for a long damn time now, but the shore is finally in sight! The midterms are so close I can taste ‘em! Are you in the fight yet? We added a few new entries in Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms, why don’t you pop over and meet everybody, and make a donation or then?
PS, while I was writing tonight, Government Cheese Goebbels held a little Klan rally in Montana, during which he praised CongressThug Greg Gianforte for physically assaulting a reporter. Yes, right on the heels of the Khashoggi murder. Does that make you mad? You can donate to Greg’s excellent, non-violent opponent, Kathleen Williams, who could use your help.