Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Instead of Godot, We’re Waiting for Decent Republicans Who’ll Put Country Before Party, With Similar Results
Man, Amtrak is phasing out the dining car! I love long train trips, and a solid 60% of the craziest conversations I’ve ever had have come in those charming-if-forced social interactions. The end of an era. Lucky for me, the news contains more than enough abject insanity to fill the void. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Vice President Mike Pants made history (as usual, the bad kind), bludgeoning his way through Mackinac Island, Michigan, in an eight-vehicle motorcade, despite a century-old ban on cars, because the current administration never misses an opportunity to demonstrate their sneering disdain for their constituents. Anyway, if you want to take a big fat dump in the middle of a must-win swing state’s breakfast cereal, I say go right ahead, Hairshirt Mike.
Checking in on the information superhighway, the latest viral trend is videos of people climbing Hairplug Himmler’s Big Stupid Wall with the greatest of ease! Fucking hell, have you ever seen anything that encapsulates Trump and Trumpism more perfectly? Flagrantly racist, unwanted and unnecessary, paid for via an unconstitutional power grab that fucks over people all over the country…and it doesn’t even fucking WORK. It’s a wall. It has ONE JOB.
I guess all you snowflakes are still mad about the whole “blackmailing a foreign nation to fabricate dirt on a political opponent” thing, huh? And the bit where Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot and his craven enablers pivoted to attacking the whistleblower who revealed his treasonous conduct as a partisan deep state hack, without a moment’s hesitation or a shred of evidence, got under your skin, too? Aw, are you TRIGGERED by treason? Would you like a SAFE SPACE from the lawless wannabe tyrant burning the whole fucking country down in order to stay out of jail?
Yeah, me too. When I’m triggered, I like to funnel my energy into defeating the cowardly, complicit, Republican Party wherever it rears its shitty little head, don’t you? Anyway, back to the crimez…
Y’know, Rex Tillerson was mightily shitty as Secretary of State, and undoing the damage he did at Foggy Bottom will take years, but my God, give me a hundred Tillersons over one Mike Pompeo, coldly parroting his Turd Emperor’s brazen lies on live teevee. Gotta admit, this shit sends a chill down my spine; you watch the Pompeo interview, you see a guy shamelessly breaking the law without an ounce of fear of eventual consequences, because he’s grown comfortable with an image of himself as Deputy Führer in a theocratic American Reich that will reign for ten thousand years, and I’ll live to see your head on a pike, pompous journalist scum.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag got in on the gaslighting fun, too, denouncing the dastardly-though-imaginary crimes of Hunter Biden, only to vanish in a puff of logic when Jake Tapper pointed out the entire Grift Family Robinshart is traveling the world, at taxpayer expense, stuffing their filthy little pockets with anything that’s not nailed down. Starting to understand why Stevie Boy doesn’t get dispatched to th’shows more frequently.
Willard Romney issued a statement, consisting of the weakest imaginable sauce, filtered through whitest slice of bread on the fucking planet, and debate ensued as to whether or not statues should be erected in his honor for this flimsiest of gestures, because we’ve come to a point in American history where we have higher expectations for a spontaneous unicorn stampede in downtown Detroit than for elected Republicans to stand up for the rule of law. Meanwhile, folks keep pointing out the way Ben Sasse’s once-loudly-professed principles have vanished like a wad of cotton candy that’s been dropped in a puddle. Anyway, I’m glad to belong to the one party that still values patriotism.
So now I guess we get to wait for Bronco Billy Barr to release his hand-doctored version of the Ukraine call transcript. I wouldn’t worry about it; after all, he was so fair and thorough in his representation of the Mueller report. The real action, as smarter folks than yer humble blogger have pointed out, is the whistleblower’s complaint, which I assume is being launched into the sun as we speak, alongside Sharty McFly’s tax returns.
Replacement Sarah Slanders/Not Our Real Mom Stephanie Grisham says she won’t be bringing back daily press briefings any time soon, because accountability is for CUCKS, and also because doing the job we the people pay her to do might cut into her drinking and driving time.
The Alaska GOP jumped on the Fuck Voters and Fuck Voting Fuck Them Both So Very Very Hard bandwagon, canceling their 2020 primary to spare Baron Golfin von Fatfuk the trouble of making his case to the people he’s been failing so spectacularly and regularly. Hey, when a political party repeatedly demonstrates its eagerness to do away with all that pesky democracy, that seems to me like the sort of thing that might merit a bit more fucking attention than it’s getting.
Dinesh D’Souza, like so many right-wing grifters, relies on generating attention-getting outrage in order to snatch up his share of that sweet, sweet, rube money, and so he decided to call Greta Thunberg, who, in leading a movement that turned out millions of marchers a few days ago, has accomplished more in 16 years than Dinesh has in his entire misspent life (and with significantly fewer felony convictions), a Nazi. I guess it must be liberating, in a way, to be so divorced from shame and morality that you can casually demonize children, but on balance I prefer not being a raging shitsack.
It’s not just foreign countries, desperate for U.S. aid, who’ve been conscripted, against their will, into the Committee to Re-Elect the Scrotal Tumor, it’s you and me, the American taxpayer*! Twenty-eight billion dollars worth of bribes to farmers to please please please vote for him again even though he’s hand-delivered your markets, gift-wrapped with a goddamned bow on top, to your competitors…and like everything he touches with his tiny, inadequate, little hands, it’s not even fucking working.
Yet another shitty white boy would-be mass-murderer, this time a U.S. solider, was arrested for threatening to bomb a major news network, because while the trade deals aren’t materializing and the manufacturing jobs keep on disappearing, the stochastic terrorism is working out quite nicely.
Y’all know Judd Legum, yes? He writes a great independent newsletter called Popular Information and today, he more or less single-handedly took down a gigantic pro-Trump Ukrainian troll farm that had amassed a genuinely terrifying reach on Facebook. Sunshine truly is the best disinfectant, and we should celebrate this significant victory in the War for Reality, probably by supporting Legum’s work.
And the Velveeta Vulgarian swung by the United Nations Climate Action Summit just long enough to drop a few overdone steak farts in the room, before wandering out to threaten one of his leading political rivals with capital punishment. The election’s more than a year away, and we’ve already progressed from “Lock her up” to “Fry, Joe, fry?” Is there enough beer in the whole godforsaken world to get me through 2020?
And when he’s not lost in erotic fantasies of electrocuting Joe Biden, the Marmalade Shartcannon is off doing what he does best; whining like a rich kid who didn’t get the Happy Meal toy he wanted. The Nobel Prize people are soooooo unfair to him, y’see, cuz even if he has yet to accomplish half an inch’s worth of actual progress with North Korea, or the Taliban, or Israel, he should get credit for all the praise he’s lavished upon himself, which more important than dumb ol’ peace anyway, right?
Old man, you’ve opened concentration camps where you deny children access to health care and basic hygiene; the Nobel thing is off the table. You’ll just have to console yourself with the millions of dollars you’ve stolen from us taxpayers, ‘kay?
Is any of this still funny? Some days I feel like I’m going HA HA THE BASTARDS WHO ARE SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROYING DEMOCRACY ARE POOPYHEADS HA HA. Anyway, it’s a bit shorter than usual tonight, probably because everybody’s focused on whether the Dotard finally betrayed America too hard this time. I’m choosing to view it as a blessing, I’ll be using the extra time to re-read King Lear**.
PS – While I’ve been workin’ up this piece, an avalanche of new Dem Congressfolk, including vulnerable swing district freshmen, have joined the calls to Impeach the Motherfucker already, and I think it’s gonna happen. Put on your fightin’ shoes, Resisters, they will need our help.
*No disrespect meant to my international readers, also can I sleep on your couch when the Second Civil War starts?
**Or drink and play MarioKart, whichever one lets me drink and play MarioKart.