Shower Cap

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Couple polls show FL-15 is much closer than expected, so I’m working up a new entry for the ol’ action guide and anyway what I'm trying to tell you is that I just spilled beer on my own head.
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MORE: Saudi Arabia says a fight broke out between Khashoggi and people who met him in the consulate and led to his death https://t.co/5Ot1RYM5E7
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

J.K. Rowling’s Sean Hannity and the Phantom Jizz Painting

Tuesday, February 13th, 2018

Today was nutty, even by the dryer-full-of-badgers standards to which we’ve grown accustomed, right? I sorta wish I could get those creepy-ass North Korean cheerleaders to deliver tonight’s post, that seems appropriately gonzo.

The entire planet was rocked by the news of Israeli police recommending Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be charged with bribery and fraud.

Wow. That seems important.

BUT, the really BIG story of the day involved Sean Hannity seeing imaginary spunk on Barack Obama’s forehead, but on the save-the-best-for-last principle, you’ll have to wait until the end of tonight’s blog for that shit.

Watching the fallout from this Rob Porter thing reveals all you need to know about the ethical standards of the Clown Car Full of Rectums currently squatting in the White House, doesn’t it?

Step One: Hire a Creep credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives.

Step Two: Learn from the FBI that because of said domestic violence accusations, said Creep is ineligible for a security clearance.

Step Three: Keep Creep around, give him access to classified information anyway.

Step Four: Juuuuuust when you’re about to promote Creep, get caught with your pants down.

Step Five: Defend creep as Best Dude You Ever Met in Your Whole Life, Seriously He’s Like if Gandhi and John Wayne Had a Kid, We Would Never Oh Shit is That a Picture of Her Black Eye After He Punched Her in the Face? Um.

Step Six: Pretend you acted swiftly and decisively, like nobody can scroll up to the news from literally six hours earlier.

Step Seven: Instead of just apologizing for HIRING A FUCKING WIFE-BEATER, tell useless, easily-disproven lie after useless, easily-disproven lie. Hang around waiting for the lies to unravel, one after the other.

Steph Eight: …PROFIT! If by “profit” you mean “send the last tattered remnants of a four star general’s reputation through the wood chipper like Steve Buscemi’s last leg.”

If all this isn’t somehow fucked enough, I guess you sprinkle on some The President Won’t Even Condemn Domestic Violence and in Fact Flees Reporters Who Ask Him To, just for seasoning.

Anyway, it sure was fun to have Christopher Wray trot out today to testify under oath that the whole Shart House spin was nothing but a fat sack of horse manure.

And Sarah Huckabee Sanders, bless her shriveled raisin of a heart, there’s just no lie too ridiculously large for her to dispense with a condescending sneer. If there were an American Idol for Bullshit, she’d win every year ’till the sun went cold.

Speaking of Wray, the IC leadership also testified that Russia had so much fun attacking our elections in 2016, they just can’t wait to do it again this year. But don’t worry, there’s absolutely no plan on the table to stop them, we haven’t even enforced sanctions on them for what they’ve already done, oh, and the President still doesn’t believe they did anything wrong in the first place.

Betsy DeVos hasn’t made headlines for a few weeks, so you may find yourself wondering, “Hey Cap, is Betsy DeVos still trash?”

I am here to inform you that yes, Virginia, Betsy DeVos remains trash of the rankest order. Seems Betsy checked in with her God, the one who decreed she should be Education Secretary despite never working a day in her life and knowing fuckall about education, and it told her to rescind civil rights protections from transgender students.

Well, it’s a victory for bullies everywhere, if nothing else. But yeah, isn’t it fun being governed by an administration moving backwards on civil rights? I bet Betsy and Jeff Sessions enjoy many a self-congratulatory sweet tea break, toasting their efforts, making the world safe for the White and Mediocre.

If it makes anybody feel better, even Ted Cruz has started tremblin’ at the thought of the pending Blue Tsunami awaiting the sad coalition of grifters, klansmen, and collaborators we call the Republican Party. Yes, Ted, we will indeed “crawl over broken glass” to vote you fuckers out. History’s gonna need a bigger dustbin, we’ve got so many treasonous fuckheads to sweep away.  (Hey.  Give Ted’s Democratic opponent, Beto O’Rourke, some cash, okay?)

Boy howdy, Scott Pruitt sure does like pissing away taxpayer money on first-class flights! 90 grand over just a few days in June! Scotty Boy likes to say he’s just taking appropriate security precautions, because he imagines he’s constantly beset upon by hostile forces who know what he gets up to in that soundproof booth he had built…with taxpayer money.

Pennsylvania Republicans, ordered by their state Supreme Court to redraw their cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, submitted a slightly different cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, and Governor Tom Wolf told them they could gerrymander their bullshit map straight up their asses all the way to the small intestine if they wanted, so now the Court will commission a non-partisan map.

And three of Cartoon Cowboy/Former Sheriff David Clarke’s employees face charges over that little kerfuffle where they TORTURED A HUMAN BEING TO DEATH BY REFUSING HIM ACCESS TO WATER. I wonder if you put “Featured Speaker at Republican Convention” higher on your resume than “Dehydration Murderer?”

The Marmalade Shartcannon dropped his budget, and now that he’s cut his own taxes by a billion dollars or so, there’s just no money left for the chumps known collectively as “the American People.” Massive cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security? Aw, you rubes didn’t actually BELIEVE him when he promised he wouldn’t do that, didja?

But the real highlight is Mick Mulvaney’s plan to retool food stamps. The idea is to replace a chunk of the recipient’s SNAP benefits with a box full of styrofoam peanuts, ketchup packets, and unsold Ivanka-branded bath products, y’know…for seasoning.

There’s a certain type of Republican, cut from the Ryan/Mulvaney cloth, that lives their life in a state of perpetual rage that there are poor people in this country who get to spend any amount of time, however briefly, experiencing any emotion more pleasant than abject torment. There’s a word for that, and that word is Sociopath.

At any rate, the idea of the government that can’t get the fucking power back on in Puerto Rico opening up a nationwide food distribution service sure is…optimistic.

Meanwhile, the America Furst President filled 143 of 144 seasonal positions at three of his properties with foreign guest workers, because, and let me shout this to the cheap seats in the back, HE HOLDS WORKING CLASS AMERICAN CITIZENS IN DISDAIN.

So I guess we’re supposed to give the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Ol’ Beauregard, the benefit of the doubt on this whole “Anglo-American” thing. Ok, fine. I guess we’ll just have to rely on the decades of well-documented open racism.

Again, this is the dude who was too racist for the 80’s. Jeff Sessions has been a famous bigot longer than I’ve been a multi-celled organism.

Well, Tennessee Senator Bob Corker was all set to retire and enjoy the fruits of the last-minute kickback he finagled into the GOP tax bill, but word on street is he’s considering un-retiring, as internal GOP polling shows ex-Governor Phil Bredesen defeating Trumpist Loon Marsha Blackburn in the general.

I’m told this entails a fair amount of groveling, and it couldn’t happen to a nicer invertebrate. Well, it’d be fun watching him and Blackburn tear each other apart in a brutal primary, but one way or another, YOU should donate to Bredesen so we can take back the Senate, yes?

Hey, if there are any typos in tonight’s post, it’s because I’m still quaking with laughter over this Elle profile of Mrs. Mnuchbag herself, Louise Linton. The Bride of the Foreclosure King figured she could use a little image-rehabbin’, but her interviewer (and my new hero), Carrie Battan, just gives her ample space for petard-hoistin’ instead. My favorite bit is how she went out of her way to help a homeless man….’s dog.

Anyway, Mitch McConnell says the Senate has one week (and one Senate Week means Three Actual Human Days) to work out an immigration bill before he moves on to other business…presumably meaning the important work of naming post offices and confirming ghost hunters to lifetime federal judgeships. Seems fair.

Piers Morgan and Omarosa are feuding, I guess? Man, fuck that. I’m not linking that shit. You wanna read it, Google it your own damn self.

What’s this, now? Michael “Sez Hoo” Cohen is falling on a sword for his Processed Cheese Boss? Mikey says HE paid Stormy Daniels that $130,000 payoff, out of his own pocket, for…reasons!

Well, shit, Mike. You sure put THAT little controversy to rest. Nice work!

Anyway, we flipped another ruby-red seat tonight, this time in Florida. Blue Wave! Woo! That seems like a good note to sign off on, so –

Oh hell, I almost forgot the biggest story of the day! Nay, year! Nay, dare I say…the millennium?

Yes, Sean Hannity’s descent into gibbering madness is going just swimmingly, thanks for asking. He did a little tweeting about the SECRET SPERM in President Obama’s freshly-unveiled official portrait, before retiring to the study to chew his own toes off.

Yes, Obama is HIDING SPOOJ IN HIS PAINTING, just one last desecration of America on his way out the door! I’ll bet his Presidential library’ll just be a brothel with no water fountains white people are allowed to use, right Sean?

For real, how far fucking gone do you have to be to see PHANTOM JIZZ in a painting? This is one of the media figures the fucking President of the United States listens to over his actual intelligence community, by the way.  Sleep tight.

Jesus fuck. Ok, campers, I’m out for the night. But a special prize to the first reader who finds the seven hidden sperm cells in tonight’s post!

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!

10 hours ago
Couple polls show FL-15 is much closer than expected, so I’m working up a new entry for the ol’ action guide and anyway what I'm trying to tell you is that I just spilled beer on my own head.
14 hours ago
Unbelievable. Literally. https://t.co/oG9eiwNBzO
CapShower photo
Reuters Top News @Reuters
MORE: Saudi Arabia says a fight broke out between Khashoggi and people who met him in the consulate and led to his death https://t.co/5Ot1RYM5E7
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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