Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Oh, Little Trump Cultist, If Jesus Christ Got Down Off the Cross and Saw All This Shit, He’d Start Doing Meth
Hey everybody! Well, it’s Joe Biden’s birthday, and God celebrated by KILLING CHARLES MANSON.
Yeah, that’s how crazy shit is these days. That’s my OPENING PARAGRAPH.
See that WaPo article last night? The one about the whole Shart House staff existing in a state of perpetual dread, waiting for Bobadook Mueller to pop out from behind every corner, salivating at the opportunity to subpoena their very souls?
The best, most hilarious part is how Drumpf has allowed himself to be lulled into the comforting fantasy that he’s not in any real trouble, and that the whole investigation will be over soon.
Heh. I dig that, actually. It’ll be sweeter if he doesn’t see it coming.
And while Shart Garfunkel’s base shrinks, the true fanatics are loyal as ever. I’m sure you’ve seen the “Christ on the cross” guy by now, right? “If Jesus Christ got down off his cross, told me Trump owes Putin so much money that he spent his last vacation hanging wallpaper in the Kremlin, and then stomped on my nutsack for being such a gullible moron, I’d tell Jesus to lick my hairy bunghole!” or something.
We get it. It’s a cult. Congrats on being such a good cultist, bro. Free will is for CUCKS.
Meanwhile, the Scrotumrot in Chief focused all the awesome might of the Presidential bully pulpit on a single American citizen, exercising his free speech rights, which is a normal thing all Presidents do.*
What’s that? Why, yes, the target was indeed a black athlete, HOWEVER DID YOU GUESS? The Leader of the Free World has nothing better to do than suggest Marshawn Lynch lose his livelihood for the high crime of…kneeling, quietly, in protest.
Il Douche also went after Jeff Flake some more, which is, I shit you not, being used by his desperate, depraved, media defenders as “proof” that he isn’t even a wee bit racist, cuz look, he’s a dickbag to a white guy, too. FAIR N BALANCED!
Buzzfeed reports that, at a private dinner, NSA H.R. McMaster referred to President Weedigits as a “moron,” and an “idiot,” with the intelligence of a “kindergartner.”
Wow. I guess the “H” in “H.R.” stands for “HOT TAKE!”
Me, I’m unimpressed. C’mon, H.R., catch up to the rest of the world. When somebody leaks that you’ve called your boss a “turdbrained multiple rapist,” or a “truck stop restroom in a too-long necktie, or “like if you slapped a cheap wig on a donkey’s rectal tumor,” then maybe you can come over some night and we can play Jenga.
And goddammit, Roy “Why Don’tcha Ditch Trigonometry Class So You Can Come Over and Shave My Back” Moore continues polluting my mind and my twitter feed.
Remember last week when Moore’s If-Peter-Lorre Got Stung by a Whole Swarm of Bees lawyer sent his What If We Had Eleven Third Graders Fill Out a Mad Libs Version of a Cease and Desist letter to the Alabama Media Group?
Well, AMG shot back, “Come at me, Pedo-Bro! You are a shit lawyer and if your creepy-ass client wants to have his past dragged up in court, we will HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN FOR YA.”
Similarly, when Sean Hannity oh-so-graciously invited one of Moore’s accusers to appear on his Propaganda Hour/Traveling Jug Band Sho, her lawyer told Sean just precisely where he could stick his pedophile-apologizing, victim-blaming “invite.”
Now it seems Roy first “noticed” even his wife when SHE was in high school, at a dance recital. I guess before Match.com, we had grown-ass men trolling high school dance shows. GROSS.
Kellyanne Conway, whose soul now visibly drains from her body during every televised appearance, popped by Fux n’ Frenz to say “Hell with it, vote for the child molester, the President’s taxes ain’t gonna cut themselves!”
Kellyanne then belched up an acidic substance which dissolved the notes she’d brought with her, so she decided to wing the rest of the interview. “This is who we are now, Republicans! Pedophiles stealing the world for billionaires! LEAN INTO IT, MOTHERFUCKERS! BETTER TO REIGN IN HELL THAN SERVE IN HEAVEN!!!!!,” she screeched, before disappearing in a brimstone cloud.
And of course, Mitch McConnell‘s moving heaven and earth in search of an Alabama Mulligan**, because Republicans should be given do-overs when they nominate such shitty candidates that they endanger the reddest seats in the Senate. Consequences are for libtards and libtards only.
But it’s not just Moore, of course. Shit, y’all, do I need to devote an entire regular section to horrifying stories of men in power abusing women? “Here’s Karen with the Male Vileness Report! Looks like we’ll need an intermission today.”
Should we start with the Oklahoma chair of Tangerine Id Amin’s campaign, who pled guilty to child sex trafficking? Or the serial sexual abuser from Ohio who just resigned? He was a “rising star in evangelical politics,” so Tony Perkins covered up his crimes, because FAMILY VALUES!
And then there’s Charlie Rose. Jesus. Don’t click the link if you’re still digesting your dinner. For real.
There’s even a new Al Franken accuser. C’mon Al, we need our guys to be better than this.
Some new meetings between Shart campaign honchos and foreign officials turned up, because it was a day ending in “y.” Junior had himself a little chat with a PutinPal from the Russian banking sector. And Carter Page, Lord of All Hats, met with some Hungarians, but he’s pretty sure they just talked about Game of Thrones and artisanal scalp polishes.
The Velveeta Urinal Cake designated North Korea as a “state sponsor of terrorism” today. North Korea retaliated by designating Trump a “bloated moron who looks like a hippopotamus’ bridesmaid in his golf clothes.”
Today in Schadenfreude, we learned that the Marmalade Shartcannon’s hotel business is in the crapper (next to his decency and America’s reputation), with prices slashed by as much as 63% since he took office. I guess “Nazi apologist” ain’t the best pitch in the hospitality industry.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders just loooooooves pushing people around, doesn’t she? Today she made the White House press corp play a little game where they said “something they’re thankful for” before they were allowed to do their vital and constitutionally-protected job.
Isn’t that CUTE? It would’ve been nice if all the reporters had answered “Robert Mueller,” but at least somebody said “The 1st Amendment.” Sarah’s so thirsty for real fascism, all she really wants for Xmas is a concentration camp of her very own.
So the Justice Department is suing to stop the Time Warner/AT&T merger, which totally has nothing whatsoever to do with CNN keeping a spotlight on Donnie Two-Scoop’s never-ending parade of bullshit, wink wink.
Now, the FCC changed the rules so that the Mercers can buy your town’s radio station, tv station, and morning newspaper, and also install speakers in your dog’s abdomen that broadcast Bill O’Reilly’s album of Xmas standards 24/7, but CNN gets different treatment. Betcha don’t feel so cocky about reporting the inauguration crowd size accurately NOW, do ya, Jake Tapper?
And I see Team Shart decided to kick out 59,000 Haitian refugees, who’ve been living in the USA since the 2010 earthquake. Once again, the 1st Theory of Trumpism holds true: these bastards are incapable of and uninterested in helping anyone, they only know how to hurt people.
On the flip side of that coin, Ten Cent Pol Pot’s petty racism may be coming back to bite him in his pasty, mile-wide ass, as refugees from Puerto Rico flee the devastation the President refuses to address, resettling in crucial southern swing states, like Florida.
Wouldn’t that be sweet justice, friends? If this petty bigot’s reflexive racism realigned the American electorate in just such as a way as to bury his morally bankrupt ideology once and for all?
Let’s work towards that day, Resisters. Less than one short year till we get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS…I cannot wait.
*Who could forget the time Jimmy Carter beat up that 8th grader for giving a subpar report on the Camp David Accords?
**Heh. Sounds like an unusually unpleasant sex act, doesn’t it?