Hey everybody! Well, it’s Joe Biden’s birthday, and God celebrated by KILLING CHARLES MANSON.

Yeah, that’s how crazy shit is these days. That’s my OPENING PARAGRAPH.

See that WaPo article last night? The one about the whole Shart House staff existing in a state of perpetual dread, waiting for Bobadook Mueller to pop out from behind every corner, salivating at the opportunity to subpoena their very souls?

The best, most hilarious part is how Drumpf has allowed himself to be lulled into the comforting fantasy that he’s not in any real trouble, and that the whole investigation will be over soon.

Heh. I dig that, actually. It’ll be sweeter if he doesn’t see it coming.

And while Shart Garfunkel’s base shrinks, the true fanatics are loyal as ever. I’m sure you’ve seen the “Christ on the cross” guy by now, right? “If Jesus Christ got down off his cross, told me Trump owes Putin so much money that he spent his last vacation hanging wallpaper in the Kremlin, and then stomped on my nutsack for being such a gullible moron, I’d tell Jesus to lick my hairy bunghole!” or something.

We get it. It’s a cult. Congrats on being such a good cultist, bro. Free will is for CUCKS.

Meanwhile, the Scrotumrot in Chief focused all the awesome might of the Presidential bully pulpit on a single American citizen, exercising his free speech rights, which is a normal thing all Presidents do.*

What’s that? Why, yes, the target was indeed a black athlete, HOWEVER DID YOU GUESS? The Leader of the Free World has nothing better to do than suggest Marshawn Lynch lose his livelihood for the high crime of…kneeling, quietly, in protest.

Il Douche also went after Jeff Flake some more, which is, I shit you not, being used by his desperate, depraved, media defenders as “proof” that he isn’t even a wee bit racist, cuz look, he’s a dickbag to a white guy, too. FAIR N BALANCED!

Buzzfeed reports that, at a private dinner, NSA H.R. McMaster referred to President Weedigits as a “moron,” and an “idiot,” with the intelligence of a “kindergartner.”

Wow. I guess the “H” in “H.R.” stands for “HOT TAKE!”

Me, I’m unimpressed. C’mon, H.R., catch up to the rest of the world. When somebody leaks that you’ve called your boss a “turdbrained multiple rapist,” or a “truck stop restroom in a too-long necktie, or “like if you slapped a cheap wig on a donkey’s rectal tumor,” then maybe you can come over some night and we can play Jenga.

And goddammit, Roy “Why Don’tcha Ditch Trigonometry Class So You Can Come Over and Shave My Back” Moore continues polluting my mind and my twitter feed.

Remember last week when Moore’s If-Peter-Lorre Got Stung by a Whole Swarm of Bees lawyer sent his What If We Had Eleven Third Graders Fill Out a Mad Libs Version of a Cease and Desist letter to the Alabama Media Group?

Well, AMG shot back, “Come at me, Pedo-Bro! You are a shit lawyer and if your creepy-ass client wants to have his past dragged up in court, we will HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN FOR YA.”

Similarly, when Sean Hannity oh-so-graciously invited one of Moore’s accusers to appear on his Propaganda Hour/Traveling Jug Band Sho, her lawyer told Sean just precisely where he could stick his pedophile-apologizing, victim-blaming “invite.”

Now it seems Roy first “noticed” even his wife when SHE was in high school, at a dance recital. I guess before Match.com, we had grown-ass men trolling high school dance shows. GROSS.

Kellyanne Conway, whose soul now visibly drains from her body during every televised appearance, popped by Fux n’ Frenz to say “Hell with it, vote for the child molester, the President’s taxes ain’t gonna cut themselves!”

Kellyanne then belched up an acidic substance which dissolved the notes she’d brought with her, so she decided to wing the rest of the interview. “This is who we are now, Republicans! Pedophiles stealing the world for billionaires! LEAN INTO IT, MOTHERFUCKERS! BETTER TO REIGN IN HELL THAN SERVE IN HEAVEN!!!!!,” she screeched, before disappearing in a brimstone cloud.

And of course, Mitch McConnell‘s moving heaven and earth in search of an Alabama Mulligan**, because Republicans should be given do-overs when they nominate such shitty candidates that they endanger the reddest seats in the Senate. Consequences are for libtards and libtards only.

But it’s not just Moore, of course. Shit, y’all, do I need to devote an entire regular section to horrifying stories of men in power abusing women? “Here’s Karen with the Male Vileness Report! Looks like we’ll need an intermission today.”

Should we start with the Oklahoma chair of Tangerine Id Amin’s campaign, who pled guilty to child sex trafficking? Or the serial sexual abuser from Ohio who just resigned? He was a “rising star in evangelical politics,” so Tony Perkins covered up his crimes, because FAMILY VALUES!

And then there’s Charlie Rose. Jesus. Don’t click the link if you’re still digesting your dinner. For real.

There’s even a new Al Franken accuser. C’mon Al, we need our guys to be better than this.

Some new meetings between Shart campaign honchos and foreign officials turned up, because it was a day ending in “y.” Junior had himself a little chat with a PutinPal from the Russian banking sector. And Carter Page, Lord of All Hats, met with some Hungarians, but he’s pretty sure they just talked about Game of Thrones and artisanal scalp polishes.

The Velveeta Urinal Cake designated North Korea as a “state sponsor of terrorism” today. North Korea retaliated by designating Trump a “bloated moron who looks like a hippopotamus’ bridesmaid in his golf clothes.”

Today in Schadenfreude, we learned that the Marmalade Shartcannon’s hotel business is in the crapper (next to his decency and America’s reputation), with prices slashed by as much as 63% since he took office. I guess “Nazi apologist” ain’t the best pitch in the hospitality industry.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders just loooooooves pushing people around, doesn’t she? Today she made the White House press corp play a little game where they said “something they’re thankful for” before they were allowed to do their vital and constitutionally-protected job.

Isn’t that CUTE? It would’ve been nice if all the reporters had answered “Robert Mueller,” but at least somebody said “The 1st Amendment.” Sarah’s so thirsty for real fascism, all she really wants for Xmas is a concentration camp of her very own.

So the Justice Department is suing to stop the Time Warner/AT&T merger, which totally has nothing whatsoever to do with CNN keeping a spotlight on Donnie Two-Scoop’s never-ending parade of bullshit, wink wink.

Now, the FCC changed the rules so that the Mercers can buy your town’s radio station, tv station, and morning newspaper, and also install speakers in your dog’s abdomen that broadcast Bill O’Reilly’s album of Xmas standards 24/7, but CNN gets different treatment. Betcha don’t feel so cocky about reporting the inauguration crowd size accurately NOW, do ya, Jake Tapper?

And I see Team Shart decided to kick out 59,000 Haitian refugees, who’ve been living in the USA since the 2010 earthquake. Once again, the 1st Theory of Trumpism holds true: these bastards are incapable of and uninterested in helping anyone, they only know how to hurt people.

On the flip side of that coin, Ten Cent Pol Pot’s petty racism may be coming back to bite him in his pasty, mile-wide ass, as refugees from Puerto Rico flee the devastation the President refuses to address, resettling in crucial southern swing states, like Florida.

Wouldn’t that be sweet justice, friends? If this petty bigot’s reflexive racism realigned the American electorate in just such as a way as to bury his morally bankrupt ideology once and for all?

Let’s work towards that day, Resisters. Less than one short year till we get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS…I cannot wait.

*Who could forget the time Jimmy Carter beat up that 8th grader for giving a subpar report on the Camp David Accords?

**Heh. Sounds like an unusually unpleasant sex act, doesn’t it?