Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Jim Jordan Really Thinks He’s Going to be Speaker of the House. He’s the Don Quixote of Douchebags.
Hey, I guess they found water on Mars? GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. My bags are packed, y’all. Rocket me the fuck off this planet before somebody does something legitimately insane, like invent mayonnaise-flavored ice cream.
There probably isn’t any money left for space travel anyway, since we’re passing 12 billion taxpayer dollars on to big agribusiness to insulate them from the entirely predictable consequences of Boss Shart’s Big Stupid Trade War.
While farmers are far from the only ones getting crotch-punted by this Dotard’s bull-in-a-china-shop economic tantrum, they do seem to be the only ones in line for a fat government bailout. This administration works exclusively on behalf of the President’s base, you see. All you Resisters out there will be walking organ farms for MAGA Nation before long.
Hey, I don’t want to be accused of being a slave to the latest trends or anything, but I’ve decided I want IN on this gaslighting shit. If President Shartcannon can unashamedly tell a gathering of veterans “what you are seeing and what you are reading is not what’s happening,” then I’m going FULL ORWELL from now on.
Therefore, I assure you, you are not smelling what you think you’re smelling, my friends. Whatever your senses may be telling you, I in no way enjoyed a hearty side of baked beans with my lunch at the new BBQ joint in town, and the gaseous consequences of those beans are most certainly not leaking out of my ass with terrifying regularity. Shower Cap tells you to reject the evidence of your nose! It is my final, most essential command!
Word on the street is, during a recent trip about Air Force One, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting walked in on Melania watching CNN, saw her gazing longingly at Jake Tapper, and he threw a sad little fit, flailing his wee T-Rex paws all over the place. Because the President of the United States of America is a afraid of reality. Sleep tight!
The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Ol’ Beauregard, generated a little controversy during a speech to the Shittiest Teenagers in America Club, joining them in a “lock her up” chant. Some might look upon the spectacle of the nation’s chief law enforcement official gleefully cheering for the baseless persecution of a political opponent and be chilled to their very core.
On the other hand, who can blame Jefferson for enjoying a little chuckle? Is a man not allowed to delight in the fruits of his life’s work? Was he not watching his beloved Republican Party finally descend into nothing more than a gibbering rage cult, dutifully regurgitating whatever hateful slogans they’ve been fed?
Aw, poor Princess Ivanka announced that she’ll be shutting down her fashion line, in order to focus full-time on fending off her father’s sexual advances. We’re all super-confident that this decision has nothing whatsoever to do with her products being kicked out of major retailers for poor performance stemming from the fact that her shitty family name has about as much brand appeal as moose diarrhea.
I know I shit on this administration a lot, but can I just say, FINALLY, somebody’s standing up to all those filthy little takers who have been defrauded by scam for-profit “universities,” bleeding America dry with their cries for “debt relief!” Silly serfs! If you stop generating wealth for the predatory upper classes, they’ll simply open the Soylent Green factories a few years ahead of schedule! YOU WON’T WHINE ABOUT STUDENT DEBT WHEN YOU’VE BEEN PROCESSED INTO A SMALL STACK OF LIGHTLY-FLAVORED NUTRIENT WAFERS, I’LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW!
(You just know Betsy DeVos spends her spare time working on a screenplay, an update of It’s a Wonderful Life where Mr. Potter beats George Bailey to death with a walking stick, right in the middle of the town square, daring any of the peasants to stop him.)
You probably saw where somebody untied one of Betsy’s yachts, doing $10,000 worth of damage to the $40 million craft. Anyway, the DeVos clan has ten grand in their sofa cushions, and nine additional yachts, but thank God we cut their taxes a few months back, right?
Sean Spicer is out on his silly little book tour, desperate to find an audience for the Tale of a Boy Who Betrayed His Country by Lying Daily for a Wannabe Dictator but Got Fired Anyway Because He Even Sucked at That. The film version will just be 85 minutes of John C. Reilly self-flagellating. Ol’ Spicey apparently can afford neither editors (his book is full of blatant errors) nor publicity (he’s reduced to authoring columns singing his own praises, since no one else seems willing), which is just.
But damn if he didn’t get JUST the treatment he deserved on the BBC. “Hey Sean, you’re not actually a dumb-but-cuddly teddy bear who told a few adorable fibs,” said interviewer Emily Maitlis, “You’re a complicit sack of shit who intentionally attacked the very concept of objective truth, you’ve fucked up the entire world, you suck, and you should be pelted with poo.”
…that may not be a direct quote. I skimmed the article.
Sharty McFly’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was smashed to bits…again. Somebody could repair it, I suppose, but it’ll only get destroyed again. Perhaps in the future, obliterating the star will be a rite of passage for all decent Americans. And just wait ’till you see what we do Orange Julius Caesar’s Presidential library, if you’re dumb enough to try building one.
The Trump/Cohen break-up is getting…sloppy. Mikey Dead-Eyes’ version of revenge porn turns out to be secret recordings of him and the Candycorn Skidmark discussing massive payouts to bury an illicit affair during closing days of the campaign.
Don’t worry though. Withered Hate Raisin Rudy Giuliani assures us that even though Team Drumpf has been lying about this for months, nobody did anything wrong. Alan Dershowitz swears that Presidential campaigns setting up shell companies to pay blackmail is so common, it’s like the Breyer’s Vanilla of Things Presidential Campaigns Do. Rudy and Dersho are both lying, of course, but that’s hardly news.
Anyway, what I think Mikey and Donnie should do next is get an apartment together, in a big city, maybe Minneapolis. They can have a reality show and America can laugh along with all their hijinks! Cohen would always leave the seat up on the golden toilet, and Don would keep inviting Russian hookers over to piss in Mike’s bed. ZANY!
I tell you what, Melania must’ve been masturbating when Donnie walked in on her secret CNN binge on AF1, because the Shart House banned a CNN journalist, acting as a pool reporter, from an event, for the high crime of Asking the President a Question He Didn’t Want to Answer. It’s not just the authoritarianism, it’s the PETTINESS, you know? Like Generalissimo Regina George.
Two of the Feral Assclowns of the Freedom Caucus stopped snorting meth out of each other’s assholes just long to introduce a measure to impeach everybody’s favorite Deputy Attorney General, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein*. It’s an appalling little act, trying to remove a law enforcement official who’s heading up an important investigation into a major foreign attack on the United States. Still, it’s also kinda funny, like watching the Three Stooges’ understudies trying to commit treason. Their articles of indictment include not only shit that was JUST completely debunked by the release of the Carter Page FISA authorization docs, but also stuff that literally happened during the Obama administration, i.e. before Rod was in the post they’re trying to impeach him from.
Oh, and Jordan announced he’s running for Speaker of the House, maybe because he believes reckless bonehead ambition will make his history of enabling sexual abuse magically disappear because…fuck, I don’t know. Jimbo is not a bright boy. Dipshit thinks the next Speaker is gonna be a Republican, for fuck’s sake.
While we lefties fight for things like education, health care, and reducing economic inequality, the driving issue for much of the conservative movement seems to be preserving the “right” to Pull Whatever Manic, Spittle-Drenched, Insanity You Want To Directly From the Darkest Depths of Your Own Ass and Have the Entire World Treat It as Objective Truth.
And so we find ourselves listening to conspiracy-theory-spewing dipshits like Matt Gaetz whining about being “shadow banned” from Twitter, even as Facebook twists itself up in knots looking to excuse giving InfoWars a platform while Alex Jones literally threatens to murder Robert Mueller.
Anyhow, Jones got a spanking from YouTube, and Facebook got a much (much) bigger spanking from the market. Gaetz‘s spanking will hopefully come in the form of spending the remainder of his political career flailing ineffectually in the minority.
But fake news remains a pestilence upon our lands, chums. Why, even Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP resists fact-checking! My god, if you can’t trust a pampered white lady who tells you to steam clean your vagina, who can you trust?
Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops had to postpone his play date with his best friend Vlad, because Mean Ol’ Robert Mueller says he “attacked America,” whatever! Anyway, Wee Don is super bummed, because he was all excited to show Putin his new toys, and also to give him that list of every American spy operating anywhere near Russia, which was the ONLY thing he asked for for his birthday.
Speaking of the Bobadook, the Failing New York Times reports he’s looking at President Crotchvoid’s history of dumbass Tweets as part of his obstruction o’ justice investigation. Perhaps Donald’s best shot at the legacy he so desperately craves will be canonization as the Patron Saint of Own-Goaling.
Allen Weisselberg, CFO of the whole dang Shart Organization, has been subpoenaed as part of the Michael Cohen probe, and General Kelly ordered every chair, bed, and sofa in the West Wing coated with plastic so as to prevent permanent urine damage. Weisselberg is said to know where the money is hidden, where the bodies are buried, where the ketchup for the over-cooked steaks is stored. This is epically terrible news for Team Treasonweasel, so forgive me while I laugh until the veins in my neck rupture.
Oh, and the emoluments suit against Government Cheese Goebbels cleared another hurdle, too. Maybe we can almost forgive Fat Q*Bert for skipping his daily briefings; I imagine it’s all the doddering old fool can do just to keep up with the legal paperwork.
E-mails from a whistleblower seem to reveal that a crack team of Columbus, OH vice officers plotted for months to arrest Stormy Daniels when her touring show came to town, only to run into the tragic fatal flaw of Not Reading the Law They Accused Her of Violating, So it Turned Out She Didn’t Do Anything Illegal at All.
Dear lord. They worked on this for MONTHS, y’all. It’s like MAGA Mission Impossible, a carefully-planned sting executed by the kind of cops who need written reminders in their bedrooms to put their pants on before their shoes.
Today, of course, is the court-ordered deadline for the government to reunite all the families they tore apart in their thwarted act of anti-refugee terrorism. The administration will be coming up significantly short, because, well, because they don’t ultimately give a fuck. Hundreds of parents have already been deported without their children, who will probably be put to work polishing golf balls down at Marm-a-Lago now.
Further humiliation for the United States as European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker apparently navigated his meeting with Weehands McNodick by explaining trade to him using hand puppets and a Lite-Brite. Whether manipulating him with fake praise or literally using bright shiny colors to hold his attention, no one in the entire world treats our President like a grown-up, and if I may be so bold as to editorialize, that is a bad fucking thing.
Hey, remember Natalia Veselnitskaya? The lawyer who approached Shart, Jr., to say, “Hey kid, wanna collude with a hostile foreign power against your own country?” and Junior went, “BOY, WOULD I?” Well it turns out she’s been telling sweet little lies about just how connected she is to the higher-ups in Mother Russia. I assume the kid has long since started wearing rubber underpants, in anticipation of stories like this.
Oh, and the same Russian agency that perpetrated all the fuckery in 2016 has already tried hacking Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill ahead of her re-election campaign. Reached for comment, former Senatorial candidate Todd Akin insisted that “if it was a legitimate hack, the campaign has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
And a bipartisan group of Senators introduced a bill that would prohibit the President from pulling the USA out of NATO without Senate approval, because THAT’S THE SORT OF LAW WE NEED NOW, ISN’T THAT JUST SWELL?
Good gravy. Jane, I have been courteous, and I have been forceful. It’s been more than a year and a half, and I really must insist you let me off this crazy thing now.
BIG FAT FUCKING PS: Because I can’t even write my little blog without the news exploding, it’s now being reported that Michael Cohen is now willing to testify that Conman Don knew in advance about the famous Trump Tower Gimmie Dat Hot Collusion Action meeting, because he was in the room when it was discussed, and HOLY EFFING SHIT that is a newsworthy occurrence that I will process as soon as I am sober.
*Apologies to George Terwilliger fans