Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Justin Amash Just Fell Off a Whole Lotta Xmas Card Lists, & Other News From Hell
Well, the news cycle continues to unfold like the novel John Grisham might write if he switched to an all morphine-and-ether diet, but we’re all trapped here, so we may as well stay informed. Let’s do this shit.
From the state Republican Party that brought you “Legitimate Rape,” comes an exciting new brand in patriarchal condescension: “Consensual Rape!” Yeah, that novel concept was put forth by a melting-vanilla-ice-cream-cone-lookin’ fucker named Barry Hovis, explaining why he was so giddily legislating away women’s reproductive rights. I absolutely shudder to imagine the trilogy-completing phrase that’ll dribble down one of these miseducated Missouri misogynyokel’s rubbery chins some day soon.
So, Ben Carson did indeed break the law with his little taxpayer-funded furniture spree, surprising no one. Have you noticed that all the headlines have framed the story that way, “Ben Carson broke the law?” There’s another way to put that, if you’re brave or, y’know…honest; ”Ben Carson is a criminal.” That’s what somebody who breaks the law is called. Anyway, whatever you feel like labeling it, rest assured Dr. Ben’s criminal behavior will in no way endanger his ongoing employment in the Treasonweasel Cabinet. Shit, he’ll probably get a raise.
Redactor General William Barr went on Fux Nooz to chat a bit about how he’s reshaping the U.S. Department of Justice into one that serves only those who treat the nuttiest Breitbart comments section shitposters as “reliable news sources,” instead of all Americans, because that’s just too much dang work. Maybe we’re being too hard on Billy B., who’s only acting out of his sincere belief in executive power, which he seems to think should land somewhere in the Infinity Gauntlet range, even when it’s wielded by a white supremacist goon whose brain is frequently overmatched by the wily umbrella.
In a page right out of Shart Garfunkel’s (presumably ghostwritten) book, Jim Jordan proclaimed himself vindicated by a report that absolutely did not vindicate him. It was probably wishful thinking to imagine his heavily-gerrymandered district would reject him over the sex abuse scandal anyway; I don’t imagine one votes for a sneering, subpar, lightweight like Jordon because one is seeking the next Daniel Webster…he hates the same people you hate, and that’ll do.
The Republican Party, which practically hired a Cirque du Soleil troop to design a show based around their demand that Democrats return Harvey Weinstein’s donations (months after said donations were returned), accepted 400 grand from celebrity sex criminal Steve Wynn. I swear, the one unifying principle of the modern GOP is shittiness. Roy Moore is a pedophile and Steve King is a white supremacist and Greg Gianforte is a violent criminal and Ron Johnson is just a thumb in a wig and Trent Franks is a skeevy-ass pervert and Duncan Hunter is an embezzler and if I chose to, I could keep on writing this sentence for the rest of my motherfucking life.
Perhaps you think I’m being snarky, or unfair. I think my little theory holds up pretty fuckin’ well, when we consider the news that the turd-gargling head of this party apparently wants to abuse his pardon power to let some legitimate monsters off the hook for their WAR CRIMES. Look, letting Dinesh D’Souza strut and crow on the internet is one thing, but we’re talking about dudes who slaughtered civilians here. A walking horror who murdered a girl with a sniper rifle, among other, equally abominable crimes. And Government Cheese Goebbels wants to drop his filthy little stunt pardons on Memorial Day, just really rub in his disdain for all the honorable men and women who have served our country.
I confess, I thought it was weird when torturing/terrorizing children became a partisan issue, but now that we’re on opposite sides of the “dudes who shoot kids to death should be prosecuted” line, I am more secure than ever in choosing team blue. Looking forward to 2020 platform planks like “Things Still Matter,” “Crime is Still Bad” and “I Didn’t Think We Need to Mention This But Don’t Hurt Children.”
Looks like Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn got caught sending admiring texts to Dead-Eyed RageGlob Matt Gaetz, while he was supposed to be cooperating with the Mueller investigation. People have said that Flynn’s status as an unregistered agent of a foreign power made his appointment as NSA inappropriate and dangerous, and they’re right, but we should also talk about the alarm bells that oughta go off when anybody looks at a festering sweat sock like Gaetz and sees “leadership.”
Vice President Mike Pants was delivering a commencement address about “traditional Christian beliefs,” a topic he knows not one fucking thing about, and a few dozen patriotic graduates and faculty members walked out on his lying, theocratic, ass. Good. Unlike Mikey Hairshirt’s theatrical walkout at an NFL game a little while back, this protest had the dual benefit of being ethically sincere, and cost-free to U.S. taxpayers.
The Carcinogenic Creamsicle seems to have backed down on a plan, conceived in corners of Stephen Miller’s hate-warped skull so dark and vile no spray-on hair could ever hope to mask them, to release detained migrants into sanctuary cities, because using vulnerable refugees as pawns in a game of petty political vindictiveness is the sort of thing that gets discussed when you fill the halls of power with the spitefully mediocre.
And the hate seems to be trickling down to the rank and file, as in the case of Border Patrol Agent Matthew Bowen, who thought it was totally unfair that he had to treat migrants like human beings, and therefore decided to try to kill one with his truck. Bowen is precisely the sort of violent, racist, thug who shouldn’t be allowed within a light year of a law enforcement job, so expect him to pardoned and appointed HHS Secretary by Thanksgiving.
Easily the single strangest occurrence of the entire Shart Administration came over the weekend, when an elected Republican official actually stood up for his oft-proclaimed principles, and the rule of law. Yes, Michigan Congressman Justin Amash, having read the Mueller report (reading will be partisan soon, mark my words) simply pointed out the rather obvious truth, that Tangerine Idi Amin has committed impeachable offenses. Still, seeing such uncharacteristic courage and honesty from a congressional Republican was like watching an armadillo strike out Joey Votto on three pitches; totally awesome, but the last fucking thing you were expecting.
And the GOP, which merrily embraced open white supremacist Steve King for more than a decade, has decided Justin is no longer allowed to join in any of their reindeer games. The shunning has been as swift and complete as in any in Hawthorne. Of course there’s already a feral primary challenger. At least now we understand the root of the crippling terror that never quite left Jeff Flake’s eyes.
The New York Times published a whole article about how Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot swears more than most presidents, and the very last thread of my sanity snapped, like, “Yeah, a bungling dumbass keeps curb-stomping the economy with his misguided trade war while his murder-crazed advisors try to force us into war with Iran and children keep dying in the concentration camps our government runs in our name and pays for with our tax money, but DON-DON SAID A NO-NO WORD STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSES!”
But I will cut the Gray Lady* a little slack, cuz they also published the article about how anti-money-laundering specialists at Deutsche Bank found some transactions involving the Trumps and Kushners that looked shady as hell, so they told management, who were all, “Money laundering and loaning that Braindead Sherbet Pile funds are literally the two things we’re famous for. Anyway, you’re fired.”
The bit about “suspicious transfers between Kushner Companies and Russian individuals during the 2016 campaign” seems like it deserves a wee bit more attention than it’s getting, so please print out tonight’s blog, circle this paragraph with the most colorful marker you can find, and stick it to the fridge in the break room at work, because maybe the Most Bribable of All Possible Sons-in-Law secretly stuffing his pants full of oligarch rubles is the sort of thing somebody ought to be looking into.
Yacht-Juggling Privilege Demon Betsy DeVos got caught using personal e-mail for official government business, and, having violated the core principal of modern conservatism, will now be crucified on Trey Gowdy’s front lawn, because the rules apply to everyone equally. Incidentally, Shower Cap’s Blog is sponsored by Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir, penny buys a bottle, guaranteed.
The Adderall-Addled Assclown really doesn’t want Don McGahn to share all the super-secret, totally-exonerating, details of his cherubic innocence with the House Judiciary Committee, probably because America doesn’t deserve to bask in the radiant glow of his purity after laughing at all those SNL sketches. Between this, and Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag’s own defiance of a congressional subpoena, I just want to flip forward to the chapter where we find out whether or not the rule of law survives.
And the Velveeta Vulgarian continued his DiMaggioesque losing-in-court streak, as a federal judge denied his (admittedly pathetic) attempt to stop his accounting firm from complying with a congressional subpoena (different one this time). Shithead loses in court all the time, but this one feels special, since it means getting ahold of secrets he’s been desperately guarding his whole misbegotten life. Charge me whatever you like, I just want a front-row seat.
House Intel released Michael Cohen’s recent testimony publicly, including the Sensei of Sez-Hoo’s claim that Jay Sekulow instructed him to lie to Congress in his earlier testimony, and you know, I’m starting to suspect that Donnie Dotard doesn’t hire very good lawyers.
Our old chum KKKris KKKobach, hot off a humiliating defeat in the Kansas Governor’s race (losing statewide office in Kansas as a Republican is a bit like getting whooped by the Washington Generals) now figures he deserves to be magically transformed into one of the most powerful people in the federal government, with multiple cabinet secretaries at his beck and call, as Hairplug Himmler’s “Immigration Czar.” KKKris presented a rather amusing list of demands for a dude who has spent his whole professional life failing, but considering his potential boss, that’s probably part of the appeal.
So yeah, this has been what the Poet would call a “Manic Monday.” Everybody who’s disappointed in Game of Thrones should sign my petition to replace the showrunners here in Real Life; your script fucking sucks, and you’re assholes.
*Fun Fact: Sometimes I call my cat “The New York Times” because she is gray. And a lady. Get it?