Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Kavanaugh, Graham, Grassley, & Co. Rage Against the Dying of the Whites
This one was hard, friends. For the first time, shit was so abominable, I didn’t WANT to blog about it. The news has been like a cheese grater, slowly, painfully, eroding my brain into a pile of taco toppings. I wanna stick my head in a sauna till it sweats out the memory of every single moment of the Kavanaugh hearing.
It seems like a decade ago, when we enjoyed a little chuckle watching the Hairplug That Ate Decency belch up his usual dogbowlful of self-aggrandizing nonsense at the United Nations, only to have the world laugh directly in his sharty little face. All the fear he imagines he inspires, the respect he so desperately craves, and he was roundly, openly, mocked without a second thought. And though you’d normally feel a twinge of patriotic anger to see your President so humiliated on the world stage, with this bloated assclown, your only regret is that you weren’t there to take take the diplomats out for a beer later.
Oh, and the Velveeta Vulgarian, who has of late been test-driving various excuses for his imminent midterm spanking, accused China of meddling in the elections because hey why not? One thing I’ll say for MAGA nation, it must be fun having your Bible written and re-written in real time. “What do we believe today? Who are we supposed to love now that we hated a week ago?” George Orwell seriously underestimated how much FUN it could be to resculpt reality to suit the fleeting needs of a moment.
Speaking of pathetic Republicans who get no respect largely because they deserve none, Rand Paul’s shady little proposal to lift sanctions on his new BFF, Vlad Putin, over that one thing when Russia INVADED UKRAINE AND SEIZED CRIMEA, of course went down in flames. One of these days, us taxpayers should bill Rand for all the valuable government time he wastes with these little stunts of his. I’m sure they impress the college libertarian clubs, though.
A memo surfaced proving DHS Secretary/Child Concentration Camp Supervisor Kirstjen Nielsen was lying when she repeatedly claimed family separation was not the Shart Administration’s official policy. Reading about this made me nostalgic for the time when this story would’ve rocked the nation and led to Nielsen’s resignation at the speed of fucking light, instead of drifting by, a barely-noticed blip in a news cycle so accustomed to atrocity that shit like this is almost boring. Then I got even more nostalgic for the time when anyone proposing family separation would have been chased out of government, because only a monster would propose something so monstrous.
The Daily Beast got ahold of a memo (memos out the wazoo this week, apparently) allegedly detailing the famous Seychelles meeting between Legit Sinister Mercenary Erik Prince and a sanctioned Russian oligarch dirtbag. You know, I’m starting to think that maybe Erik’s initial claim, that they merely engaged in a light-hearted debate about whether Chicago was better with or without Peter Cetera, might have been somewhat less than honest.
And Sarah Palin’s garbage spawn has been arrested for domestic violence. Again. Anybody else tired of being moralized at by the slavering hordes of rubes who idolize the ethical/political version of the Hills Have Eyes family?
Further trouble in Shartopia as a judge ruled an emoluments clause lawsuit filed by Democratic Congressfolk can proceed, potentially shutting down one of the Grand Wizard Grifter’s chief remaining revenue streams: open bribery by foreign governments. Anyway, I’m thinking of launching a series of collectible trading cards, each depicting a different lawsuit targeting our oh-so-criminal President. Every pack would come with a piece of stale chewing gum, flavored like overdone steak with ketchup.
Whelp, that’s about everything, I think, so I’ll sign off with…what’s that? I’m leaving something out?
Ok, fine. Let’s address the elephant in the room. The revolting, lying, rapey, shouty, totally immoral elephant in the room. The elephant that is trying to break out of the room and trample everything that’s good and decent in America to tiny bits.
Y’know what, in honor of Judge Kavanaugh, let’s structure this as a sort of drinking game in reverse. Every time you read about some Sack-of-Shit Republican saying or doing something so vile it makes you wanna retch, go ahead and retch! Whoever fills up their barf bag quickest, wins. Actually, looking at this shit, you might wanna bring a 10 gallon garbage can.
(And if I miss anything, it’s probably because I’ve been jabbing my brain with an ice pick in an effort to destroy the memories of this Most Hideous and Dispiriting Week.)
I suppose I could mention where Dr. Ford’s own father isn’t publicly supporting her because he’s worried about losing his membership in his conservative country club, but I probably shouldn’t because that story’s so sad, so deeply fucked up, it might just crush whatever light remains in your heart.
The all-male GOP contingent on Judiciary, whose cumulative age eclipses the entire history of the planet if you’re a creationist, were too terrified to do their jobs (begging the question, “Why the fuck do you deserve to be Senators?”), outsourcing their questioning to a female sex crimes prosecutor.
The prosecutor didn’t kick up much dust, honestly, despite visiting the popular right-wing jagosphere theory that Ford claimed to be afraid of flying but still flew sometimes, thus conclusively proving her to be a lying jezebel who lies about all things simply because lying feels so good to her dirty, lying, heart.
On the other hand, witnessing their behavior around the hearing, you can understand why they made that particular call.
Chuck Grassley fumed and sputtered in rage about perceived procedural slights, and while there was a tremendous amount of bad-faith bloviating going on, I think we should give Chuckles the presumption of honesty here: this is a man who truly believes a momentary delay in the mad dash to confirm an ill-tempered partisan hack to the Supreme Court is a significantly greater sin than any mere sexual assault.
Orrin Hatch, looking like a thumb that’s been submerged in the bathtub for too long, and acting like an out-of-touch old fart who’s been in the U.S. Senate for too long, paraded the judgement that’s apparently been Good Enough for Utah for decades, commenting on Ford’s…attractiveness. Congratulations, Orrin…you’ve made me feel like replacing your ancient ass with a flimsy weathervane like Willard Romney will qualify as a significant upgrade. Jesus.
Kavanaugh’s testimony was…wow. I dunno, if I was looking to get appointed to the Supreme Court, I might try to avoid coming off like a screeching, hostile, untrustworthy, maniac, but that’s just me.
He whined a whole bunch. He invented conspiracy theories involving the Clintons, which is, um, TOTALLY INSANE AND DISQUALIFYING. He frequently seemed to imply “I got into Yale” as somehow providing ironclad proof that he couldn’t possibly have ever had a drinking problem, which ironically served only to prove that he’s not intellecutally qualified for the gig he’s applying for. Oh, and he vowed vengeance on his enemies, which is…not really a good look for a SCOTUS justice, in my humblest of opinions. He may have said something about beer, I don’t really remember.
He mouthed off to Senator Amy Klobuchar, mockingly throwing her questions about getting blackout drunk back in her face mere moments after she spoke of being raised by an alcoholic father. To her eternal credit, Klobuchar didn’t immediately slap the smug jackass right out of his shoes; she clearly has a temperament suited to her lofty post, whereas Kavanaugh was practically smearing the walls of the hearing room with his own shit.
Most notably, he lied. He lied a whole fucking bunch. He’s lied about big shit and utterly inconsequential shit. He told huge, comical lies about the lewd terms from his yearbook page (No, Senator, you misunderstand! By “donkey punch,” I mean the cucumber-tinged water we’d give the family mule as a treat on special occasions like Xmas and his birthday!)…frankly, I’m no longer even confident that his name is Brett.
And then Lindsey Graham, Senator/Confederate LARPer from the great state of South Carolina, stood up and proclaimed at the top of his lungs, “With GAWD as my witness, women will never vote for me again!”
With all the demonstrative self-righteousness of a community theatre actor playing Atticus Finch, Lindsey lectured the world for its cruel persecution of the privileged white guy who only wanted to have his crimes swept under the rug so that he might sit in judgment of others from a post of unimpeachable power for the rest of his life. Then the Senator pointed his finger and accused Democrats of trying to STEAL A SUPREME COURT SEAT and Irony dropped stone cold dead.
(Between the hearings, Lindsey hatefully dismissed a sexual assault survivor, because the old bastard is just leanin’ into the evil now. He’s gonna pop up on Meet the Press next week, casually snacking on a bowl of live kittens.)
Some suggested Graham was acting all Trumpy as part of an audition to replace Ol’ Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III as Attorney General. Y’all are thinking too small. All that showy depravity? Shouting the vilest, most dishonest crap at the top of your lungs while simultaneously wallowing in phony victimhood? No no, this southern gent is looking to inherit the reins of the whole damn deplorable herd some day…
One after another, the Withered Hate Raisins of the GOP Senate Judiciary team weighed in, looking like Sith Lords that had retired to Florida, gotten really into shuffleboard, and let themselves go. Kennedy, Cornyn, Sasse…like some sort of hideous Old White Guy Beauty Pageant, where every contestant accidentally prepared the same “talent,” and that talent was spewing out the last mustard gas wheeze of Shitty White Dude Privilege.
And isn’t it weird that of all the assembled assholes, Ted Cruz of all people was on his best behavior? You’d almost think he was facing an unexpectedly competitive re-election fight or somethin’.
And then I lost a ton of fuckin’ money in a pool I’ve been running, because JEFF FLAKE ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING FOR ONCE. Yes, the Arizona Senator/Occasional Hatrack, having been confronted in an elevator by a group of sexual assault survivors, appears to have finally been shamed into actually backing up his oft-and-loudly-professed morals! I’ll give you some time to fact-check that; I scarcely believe it myself.
Yes, Senator Paperweight sat through the sham hearing Friday morning with a pained expression, as if to say, “something about this situation, where we’re dismissing the credible accusations of a sexual assault survivor as the raving of a deluded she-idiot who simply cannot tell one man from another, isn’t quite…right.” And he hemmed and he hawed and he put his foot down and proclaimed “THIS TRAVESTY SHALL NOT STAND! THIS TRAVESTY MUST BE POSTPONED! FOR ABOUT A WEEK! BUT CERTAINLY NO LONGER THAN THAT!” Because in the end, he’s still Jeff Flake, and we can’t expect too much of him.
So we’ve got a week. Make some NOISE, Resisters. Make noise like you’ve travelled back in time to the last-ever Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers concert, and they’re backstage but they haven’t played Free Fallin’ yet.
And of course, now the word is that Shart House lawyer Conman Don McGahn gets to hard-pick the topics and witnesses the FBI is allowed to investigate. They can talk to Sean Connery about what it was like making MEDICINE MAN, but they’re not allowed to interview Kavanaughty’s college classmates about all that drinking he lied about. Under oath. AT HIS FUCKING SUPREME COURT CONFIRMATION HEARING.
They haven’t even interviewed Dr. Ford yet, for fuck’s sake! Is this sham really gonna be enough to allow Susan Collins to go on pretending she doesn’t understand precisely what’s going down here?
I tell ya folks, there’s so much corruption and rot, I expect the White House to disintegrate and blow way in the wind, leaving Shart Garfunkel exposed, pants around his ankles, on the gold-plated toilet you know he’s had installed behind the Resolute Desk.
Oh, and Littlefinger and Kim Jong-un fooled around and fell in love, to hear our perpetually-embarrassing President tell it. Senile old fucker’s trying to blow up relations with Canada, while he’s swapping scented notes between classes with a MASS FUCKING MURDERER.
I think we should remake West Side Story with Drumpfy and Kim. I also think we should make the Americans the Sharks, because that’ll really chafe Stephen Miller’s ass.
Fuck, y’all. I’m wrecked by the this shit. I’d cover Elon Musk and Kanye West, but my head would surely explode. I generally try to leave y’all on an up note, or a gag, but I can’t do that today. Instead here’s one last link, one final reminder of the unspeakable evil we’re fighting. Read it, roll up your sleeves, and get to work; the midterms are closer than ever.