Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Late cuz of the hack, but holy hell the world is insane
Well folks, not to repeat myself, but…shit be cray.
The news continues to roll out like it was being written by John le Carré, chained to radiator in David Cronenberg’s basement, subsisting entirely on moonshine and Sour Patch Kids.
Reeling from yesterday’s tropical grade shit show, we were grateful to wake up to relatively little new breaking nonsense. Oh sure, the security detail of a visiting autocrat beat the living snot out of some American citizens right in Washington, and the Shart House didn’t seem to mind, but shit like that isn’t even gonna land on page six when you’re competing with Putin and leakers and piss hookers.
The day was actually mostly quiet. TOO QUIET, you thought to yourself, terrified to say it out loud lest you conjure a push notification alerting you that our President had ordered an invasion of Portugal, because he couldn’t find old episodes of Harry and the Hendersons streaming anywhere and Steve Bannon told him there were bootleg DVDs for sale in Lisbon.
The Hairplug That Ate Deceny gave the commencement speech at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy. It was kinda fun to watch him all pissy and listless, struggling to read fancy words like “scourge” off the teleprompter for a bit, but I got bored and shut it off, which means I missed the part where he started whinging like Tonya Harding about how In All of Human History Ne’er Was A Man So Cruelly Mistreated Especially By the Media Which is Fake and Also it is Unfair That My Daughter Won’t Let Me Touch Her Butt, Boo Fucking Hoo. He’s so fragile. He’s white and tiny and fragile and he melts away when facing the tiniest bit of heat. Like a snowflake. Yeah. Hey, somebody should make that a thing, “snowflake.”
We had a laugh when Shrieking Canker Sore Alex Jones lost a fight with Yogurt, and had to tell the whole world what pathetic liar he is. The courts have been super mean to Lexie of late, prolly because all judges are lizard people or cucks or perhaps even Lizard Cucks, but it sure is fun watching assholes lose, ain’t it?
Further schadenfreude was dispensed when the story broke about the GOP candidate in the forthcoming Montana special election owning a stake in a company that’s accused of paying off ISIS. Yes, THAT ISIS. Mike Pence is out in Montana campaigning for a dude who owns stock in a company that gave money to ISIS. Anyway, how ’bout them Mets?
Also Robert Fisher, State Rep in New Hampshire, resigned in the wake of the revelation that he founded the “Red Pill” subreddit, which is like the hair catcher in your shower, except instead of your pubes it gets clogged with dickless man-children who can’t handle watching women think and talk and have jobs, while they’re too busy screaming racial slurs at strangers on Xbox Live to understand why their lives aren’t awesomer.
We found out Il Douche appointed Sheriff David Clarke to a high level post in the Homeland Security department, possibly because Sebastian Gorka was tired of consistently being labeled Most Evil Fuck Amongst This Cadre of Evil Fucks, because Sheriff Dave is Stone Cold Evil, famous for such smash hit singles as “Advocating Violence Against Anyone Who Disagrees With Me,” “A Mentally Ill Man Died My Jail Because We Didn’t Give Him Water For a Week and Without Water You Die,” and the timeless “Also a Baby Died in That Same Jail Literally a Baby Because We Denied Medical Care to a Woman in Labor WE KILLED A FUCKING BABY” and this monster is the kind of fellah the Marmalade Shartcannon believes should be in the federal government. While Sheriff Dave announced how happy he was to join Team Shart, the hiring doesn’t seem to be official just yet, so maybe there’s hope.
And then right about Happy Hour, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein popped up and said “Hey you guys, what’ve you been up to today? Did you have a nice lunch? Didja see that thing with those romper shorts things for guys? I think they’re weird, but wear what you like, amiright? Oh, also I just appointed the former head of the FBI as the special counsel to investigate Shart Garfunkel and all his Russian buddies. SHIT ON MY REPUTATION, WILL YOU YOU MOLTEN SHERBERT GLOB? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? ROSENSTEIN OUT!” and he strode away shooting his middle fingers in the direction of the oval office like they were pistols and he was a cowboy, it was actually super cute.
Robert Mueller ran the FBI for twenty years, and stood up to the unconstitutional fucks in the Bush administration and knows his shit and for an extra nut punch to the Candycorn Skidmark, is buds with Jazzy Jim Comey. Basically he’s the precise mathematical nightmare scenario of a special prosecutor, if you happen to be a certain over-tanned cheap crook who shall remain nameless. Rod apparently didn’t tell the President or his Loyal Huntin’ Dawg Beauregard about this until he’d already signed the order, and half an hour before he told the world. 118 anonymous sources inform me that the president “Pissed himself, cried, and began sucking his thumb.”
We also learned from WaPo that Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy and however many other congressscum were talking about how they thought Putin was paying Trump waaaaaaay back last summer when skies were blue and Presidents didn’t haphazardly give state secrets to Russian spies. The real kicker was that when WaPo called these scuzzbags up for comment, they were all indignant and cocky and “What a fake gnus lie, are you serious?” until the reporters said “No there is literally an audio recording of this conversation do you want to change your bullshit story?” and they went “Ummmmmmm…would you believe we were maybe joking around as Ryan and McCarthy are renowned for the humor, dude, Paulie has a tight five on starving single mothers to death,” and the world said “No, and also the fact that you’d lie about something so petty means we can cite this story any time you tell us anything for the rest of your lives at THAT, you shits, is motherfucking FUNNY.”
Oh, and back when we were young and innocent, remember when Sally Yates told us that she spent the waning days of her Acting Attorney Generalship waving her arms and saying “Hey Fuckheads, that Michael Flynn jag is no damn good and works for foreign powers and has probably broken some not-insignificant laws?”
WELL, a late-breaking NYT scoop reveals that long before AAG/Super Ninja Yates gave the heads up, FUCKING FLYNN HIMSELF TOLD EVERYBODY HE WAS UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR BEING A FOREIGN AGENT AND SHARTBOY FUCKING HIRED HIM AS THE SHEEPFUCKING NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR ANYWAY.
Fuck. Can we impeach him for not being able to understand the entirely predictable consequences of literally anything? He’s like Lennie in Of Mice and Men, only instead of crushing small animals to death, it’s Democracy.
(As a fun side effect, this story seems to be the first one that snares Mike Pence in a big lie, don’t fantasize about changing them Oval Office curtains just yet, you Puritan fuck.)
It also turns out that during the transition, Flynn worked to influence military decision-making in a manner that benefited Turkey, the very nation that WHOA HOW WEIRD happens to be the one that Lil’ Mikey was foreign-agenting for (for half a million bucks) without telling anyone. SERENDIPITY I GUESS.
Anyway, the King of the Netherlands revealed that he has also been secretly working a side gig as an airline co-pilot for 21 years.
That’s totally fucking true, by the way.
All of this is true. Sleep tight, fellow inmates in this asylum we call…America.