Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Later than usual due to the sheer volume of batshit crazy nonsense, my apologies.
Folks, when you wake up to find former Attorney General Eric Holder felt the need to send out, like, the St. Crispin’s Day Tweet to “the career men & women at DOJ/FBI,” you fucking well know that Shit. Be. Cray.
And it is. Shit is also hitting the fan. Cray shit is hitting the fan and spreading insanity and poo all over your bedroom, BETCHA WISH YOU HAD CENTRAL AIR, RIGHT?
Oh Sweet Jesus Rubbin’ His Ass on Your Brand New Carpet, this thing with Joe and Mika!
Because he is crazed, sloppy maniac, Shart Garfunkel apparently hate-watches Morning Joe while they report on what a sack of fetid hippo turds he is, and it makes him mad…der than usual. So yesterday he lost his shit and somehow managed to force his limp, inadequate, baby hands to tweet out some hateful sexist garbage about how Mika luvs Drumpf so much but he’s over her cuz there was blood coming out of her wherever from a face lift.
While any decent human being can recognize this as unacceptably repulsive behavior, let’s not forget that SCROTUS has surrounded himself with some fantastically indecent human beings, and they dutifully marched out to defend the Bathtub Clog That Somehow Won the Electoral College, because they figure their souls are a long fucking gone by now.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders was all “The American people clearly wanted a Neanderthal Hate Beast as President,” before moving on to opine that gun violence happens because of the inferior morality in Chicago COUGHCOUGHITSTHEBLACKPEOPLE or some shit. After her musings on righteousness, SHS excused herself to have tea and biscuits with her daddy’s multiple child molester friends.
Kellyanne was equally indignant, impugning the patriotism of those who insist on reporting that our Piece of Shit President is a Piece of Shit. Since this wouldn’t be the last time Kellyanne’s name popped up in today’s gnus, I’ll just leave this alone for right now, walking away with a dark chuckle at Kellyanne’s “patriotism.”
Anyhow, Joe n’ Mika counter-counter-punched, telling the world that Team Shart sicced the National Enquirer on them, and that high ranking executive branch officials told them that if they just apologized and eased up on the ournalism-jay, then Boss Shart could make the story go away, and America wouldn’t need to know that Joe fathered an alien duck baby with that space hooker he met at the Tesla concert.
No big deal, just the President of the United States and his staff trying to blackmail members of the free press into providing more favorable coverage.
If this shit keeps up, Bashful Bob Mueller’s investigative team is gonna need more staff than a mid-twentieth-century Hollywood Biblical Epic. THE TEN INDICTMENTS, whaddya think?
(Some folks are saying Jar-Jar is swept up in the whole colluding-with-a-tabloid-to-blackmail-journalists deal. I just think it’d be a shame if he went to jail before he can finish bringing peace to the Middle East.)
Mitch McConnell’s health care headaches got worse, as the CBO released a direct-to-DVD sequel to their score of his MurderBill, saying “Oh yeah, he tried to trick us by putting the steepest cuts to Medicaid outside the ten year window we usually look at, but we noticed, NICE TRY, DONATELLO!”
Now, we know from experience that Shartboy tends to mindlessly ape the views of the last person who talked to him, and on the health care front, that seems to have been Rand Paul. So the Idiot Manchild parrots Rand’s pet idea that they should just repeal Obamacare straight out, and then hope for the fucking best when it comes to the replacing.
And now the furthest-right members of the Senate GOP caucus are running around the playground, high on Pixy Stix and Grape Crush, taunting the others “nyah nyah, the President agrees with MEEEEE!!!!!!!” and giving all the moderates wedgies. Now, this makes Yertle’s job much tougher, because he’s being tugged from the semi-rational center AND the lunatic right, so maybe this whole thing will fall apart and millions of Americans will get to, y’know, GROW OLD BECAUSE THEY WON’T DIE FROM TREATABLE SHIT, but just in case, let’s keep blasting these fuckers’ phone lines, huh?
The Man With a Tumor-Filled Scrotum For a Heart is apparently really excited about his upcoming employee evaluation with Vlad Putin. Nobody can seem to convince Donnie that Russia isn’t our BFF, that they’ll never return that copy of River City Ransom he loaned them six months ago, that they FUCKING ATTACKED OUR DEMOCRACY, and in fact he’s asked the National Security Council to prepare a list of “deliverables” to offer Vlad, because he is not a Russian agent even a little bit. What those “deliverables” may be, God only knows, but I’m assuming it’s a couple of nuclear subs and maybe Delaware.
Axios reported that the Marmalade Shartcannon is all damp n’ sweaty to get his trade war started, because he is a stupid, stupid man who thinks that such a thing can be done without consequences. Everybody except Animate Lawn Gnome Wilbur Ross and Steve “Darth Wino” Bannon kept yelling “FUCK NO YOU FUCKHEADED MORON” at him, but hey, maybe we’ll get to see a U.S.-led global financial meltdown, that’ll be…different.
The Pumpkin Spice Assclown’s shitty racist travel ban went into effect, and we learned that we’re using it to keep an all-girl group of Afghan teen inventors from attending a robotics competition they’d earned their way into, thank god we’ve been protected from this grave threat, it was probably going to be like, Ultron, Only For Jihad, like it would only attack bakers who refused to make cakes for gay weddings.
Kris Kobach’s “Silly Rabbit, Voting is for White People” campaign kicked into gear today. For starters, Hans Von Spakovsky, frustrated after several failed attempts to kill Captain America, joined the commission. Hans is the OG vote suppressor, so of course he wants in.
Anyhow, Kobach sent out this ridiculous letter demanding that states turn over all kinds of information a little Nazi like him shouldn’t be trusted with; names, addresses, drivers license numbers, SSNs, do you prefer cake or pie, how attractive on a scale of 1-10 do you find Chris Pine (now, I’m straight, but in all honestly I have to say “at least 6”), did you eat the last Hot Pocket DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME CARL, and several years’ worth of voting histories.
Needless to say, state officials from both parts are telling Kris where he can stick his letter. Mississippi’s Republican Secretary of State even told him he could jump in the Gulf of Mexico, so other officials are feeling pressure to up their game. “Make like a tree and go fuck yourself,” reads a draft from Illinois, but the SoS thinks he can probably do better if he sleeps on it.
Most hilariously, Kansas Secretary of State…wait for it…Kris Kobach…announced he can’t comply with his own records request because of state privacy law. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHOHGODIHURTMYBACK
Oh, and there was that little story the Wall Street Journal broke.
The one about that GOP operative/activist, what was his name? Peter Smith?
Something about…forgive me, I’ve got a couple beers in me…something about…colluding with Russian hackers to gain access to Hillary Clinton’s e-mails and pass them on to the Drumpf campaign, via Mike Flynn and his Angry Thumb of a son? Yeah, that one.
Weird, that Hannity and Hume and the other toadies in the right wing media started singin’ that whole “Colluding with a hostile foreign power ain’t no thang” tune a few days ago, don’tcha think?
Now, just for a little extra flava, Peter Smith died a few days after giving his interview with the Journal. And that’s…a bit weird. Maybe it’s coincidence. Maybe he was like, terminally ill and trying to clear his conscience in order to get a nicer cot in hell. Or hey, maybe Reince Pubis got wind that he’d spilled the beans, and had him polonium 210’d. Maybe he’s been haunting Shart House aides since his death, and Steve Bannon is just now realizing he’s not a pink elephant, who can say?
But that was last night. TONIGHT, we learned that Peter had listed not only Flynn, but Kellyanne “SuperPatriot” Conway and Steve “Satan’s Servant on Earth” Bannon in a recruitment document for said collusion-with-Russia project.
And if you haven’t read Matt Tait’s piece over at Lawfare, filling in some of the gaps in this story, and describing his own experience with it, you need to jump over there and read that shit right fucking now. Don’t worry, my last paragraph isn’t that funny.
Folks, I know there’s more. The Shart wants to sue CNN and invade North Korea and I guess spend all that Meals on Wheels money he’s cutting on going into spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace, and we all found out how many of our tax dollars are going to Bannon’s gin fund and Omarosa’s gilded “The Honorable” stationary, and fuck knows what else, but it’s late, and these last three beers ain’t gonna drink themselves. Be well, and, as always, VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.