Hello, Resisters! I hope whatever holidays you celebrate and/or are at war with treated you well. Me, I got a stocking full of BAT SHIT.

Let’s starting diggin’ through it.

Everyone laughed at Albino Prune Orrin Hatch when he proudly accepted the prestigious “Utahn of the Year” award from the Salt Lake Tribune, because he only looked at the headline, while the article actually gave him the Wrinkly-Ass Power-Mad Jagoff We Wish Would Go Away Forever Award.

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes is gathering a small but terrifying gang of Republican CongressFinks, sinister white mediocrities worthy of being cast as the bad guys in some shitty teenage soap drama, set in a prep school, starring the least popular member of a second-rate boy band.

They’ve swung by the Used Ideologies lot, and taken authoritarianism out for a test drive. They go on the teevee to call for the FBI to be “purged” of dissenters, because they don’t believe Democrats have the right to enforce laws when it’s Republicans doing the law-breaking. They’re insisting the Mueller investigation, which has already yielded the indictment of four high-ranking Trump officials, including two felony confessions, is a “witch hunt.”

The Pigfucker himself is allegedly preparing a report on all the “corruption” in the FBI, where agents are allowed to serve without praying to a giant butter sculpture of Tangerine Idi Amin five times a day.

These Treasonweasels are, in short, all too happy to whack away at the fundamental pillars of American democracy, while they fantasize about being made capos in whatever dystopia arises from the rubble. Keep both eyes on these fuckheads, folks. They’re dumbasses, but they’re dangerous.

Word on the street, or at least the cul-de-sac in the gated community, is that the Koch brothers plan to spend a few of the excess millions the GOP just handed them on a campaign to help the serf classes learn to love the ever-widening economic inequality chasm.

The campaign is to feature Kelsey Grammer delivering lectures on all the magnificent freedom that comes with not being able to afford health insurance, while sitting atop a large pile of rubies.

The Failing New York Times published an article that’s frankly humiliating for any American who cares about their country to read, about Circus Peanut Broderick Crawford’s imbecilic blundering on the international stage, where foreign leaders either tiptoe around him like a petulant rich kid who throws a fit when his ignorance is exposed, or feed him platefuls of empty flattery because they understand that doing so enables them to manipulate him.

I just want the next President to be a grown-up, that’s all.

The Drumpf administration finally removed the last remaining obstacle to American Greatness, Excessive Protections for Nursing Home Residents! Yes, for those of you inclined towards elder abuse, the gloves are finally off! Go ahead and booby-trap that wheelchair, fines have never been lower! MAGAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jiggly HateBumpkin Mike Huckabee proclaimed that Winston Churchill and President Crotchvoid are basically the same person, and the whole fucking world roasted him for being such a ridiculous ass-kisser. Me, I can think of a few other Gary Oldman characters that would be more suitable for comparison.

You recall that Malignant Caveman Corey Lewandowski recently proclaimed his own hand to be God’s Personal Gift to the Under-Slapped Asses of the World? Well, you’ll be happy to learn Joy Villa has officially filed a sexual assault report against the Drumpf loyalist. Have fun being a registered sex criminal, Corey!

The Hairplug That Ate Decency broke with tradition yet again, this time becoming the first elected president in the history of Gallup’s “Most Admired Man” poll to lose in his first year in office.  Learning he’s less admired than his predecessor won’t both Drumpfy at all, because he is such a secure, confident, man.*

The President can take comfort in the Gallup polls he DID win, including “Biggest Traitor,” “Most Likely to Ruin a Perfectly Good Steak,” and the prestigious “Person I Would Not Piss on if They Were On Fire” poll.

Anyway, because the President is a coward, he won’t even own up to golfing when he’s golfing, hilariously dispatching a truck to block journalists’ view of his golf course, with “I’M NOT GOLFING, YOUR FACE IS GOLFING” scrawled in purple crayon on the side.

Pity poor Steve Bannon, he’s juggling so many racist ex-boyfriends it’s like a RomCom starring David Duke and Richard Spencer, with our pockmarked hero in the middle!

Paul Nehlen, famous for being the only human being on Earth shitty enough to make Paul Ryan look like the good guy in an election, went FULL NAZI this week, to the point where even Breitbart had to cut ties, acting like Nehlen’s previous work for the site was mostly fantasy baseball tips and stroganoff recipes, and they had no idea he was such a racist bastard. Sure. Whatever.

And then there’s Milo. More on that in a minute.

Bloomberg reports a Russian-Oligarch-owned steel company is flooding the American market with cheap Russian-Oligarch-owned steel while American steel workers wonder where all those jobs Dorito Mussolini promised them went. America first? Well…we’ll keep you in the top ten. For now.

That Omarasa person, recently fired from her high profile job as…Nobody Knows What She Did But Holy Fuck She Walked Away With a Big Ol’ Heap of Taxpayer Scratch, seems to be vindictively shopping a nasty tell-all about the Drumpf marriage, including sordid details such as “How many drugs Melania needs to take before going to bed with her husband,” and “What the President mistakenly believes the ‘pussy’ to be, and why he grabs it.”

With disgraced former National Security Advisor Mike Flynn cooperating with the Mueller investigation of All Things Shart, Littlefinger’s crack legal team apparently plans to paint the Turkish Delight as a big fat liar who lies, and also we barely knew the guy.

“You mean Crazy Old Man Flynn from the abandoned amusement park? He used to dress up like Florence Foster Jenkins, and insist on singing his national security briefings! Mike would fill his underpants with Fritos because he liked the crunchy noise he’d make when he sat down! We was onto him from the start!”

…good luck, Ty.

Doug Jones was officially certified as Alabama’s next Senator, despite Former Judge/Noted Child Molester Roy Moore’s pathetic last-minute legal tantrum. He insisted there was voter fraud, because what other explanation could their possibly be for African-Americans turning out to vote against a guy who had so many kind things to say about slavery? He also claimed to have taken a polygraph test, which, no, you don’t ever get to see, but trust Roy, it cleared him of all wrongdoing.

Anyway, he demanded an electoral do-over, because he really really really wanted to be a Senator, even more than he wanted to date a Mouseketeer, and that was a whole lot, trust me.

Moore best move on, methinks. If he fixates on this Senate seat too much longer, he won’t be able to find a date to the prom.

Anyway, you’re a gigantic fucking loser, “Judge.” Go away forever now.

And, in a wacky coincidence, Roy isn’t even the only unhinged, far-right, pro-pedophile maniac getting humiliated in court today! If you need some laffs, check in on the editorial crotch-punting delivered to Subpar Troll/Wannabe Literary Superstar Milo Wedon’trememberyourname-o, courtesy of his own embarrassing lawsuit.

Proving the Republican Party of 2017 is entirely rotten to its very core, some Indiana State GOP CongressTurd wants a law where the Colts would have to refund a fan’s money if the fan were subjected to the veritable holocaust of…watching a black man kneel in silent protest. So yeah, from the President down to the local water commissioner, these guys are freedom-hating fascists, and we need to replace them all, ASAP, with people who actually, y’know…believe in America.

Failed DiploBully Nikki Haley humiliated herself on the international stage, AGAIN, because it’s kind of her thing. This time, the U.N. Ambassador was tricked by a pair of Russian comedians into commenting on the political situation in a non-existent island nation. Maybe I’m some sort of Coastal Elitist Snowflake Cuck, but I believe America’s leading diplomats should be able to tell the difference between real countries and fake ones.

Oh hey, NBD, but a Shart House intern flashed a white power sign in a group photo with President Very Fine People. I’m starting my I WAS A NAZI INTERN b-movie screenplay ten minutes after I get this post up.

As I was writing tonight’s update, SHARTUS tweeted “COME AT ME, BRO” at global warming, and NYT published a fresh, new, utterly nutty interview with him. So if you were hoping that your Idiot Manchild President took some time over the holidays to reflect on his weighty responsibilities, and decided to grow up and face them with newfound commitment and maturity…I have some bad news.

Anyway, that’s all the gnus that’s fit to shriek in existential terror at. And if you don’t like it, maybe you should just TAKE UP KNITTING.

*BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH. Hoo.