At Least Now We Know Why Roy Moore Volunteered to Wear the High School Mascot Suit

We’re all reflecting on the 2016 election, because it was a year ago this week, and we’re remembering our early reactions…our worries, our determination to resist, our fears…those were some dark days, right? But if anybody put any money on “Within one short year we’ll be debating whether or not we should elect child molesters to Congress,” well, you’ve earned your winnings.

What other lunacy is bludgeoning our senses these days? Let’s jump in:

We’re hearing reports that Team Shart’s refusing to approve the AT&T/Time Warner merger unless they sell off CNN, or maybe just tie CNN up in a burlap sack and throw it into a lake. Also Jared Kushner apparently told CNN honchos to fire 20% of their staff because of all their Fake Gnusing and Insufficient Bootlicking and whatnot.

So yeah, it’s just the Executive Branch of the American government, vindictively targeting a critical media outlet. No biggie. What’s a little fascism between friends?

Hey, this Mike Flynn shit, right? I guess Rugged Robert Mueller’s team is investigating him (and his frothy maniac son) for maybe plotting to kidnap an exiled dissenter living in Pennsylvania at the behest of his Turkish paymasters, for 15 million bucks. While serving on the transition team. And this is the guy our Idiot Manchild President made his fucking National Security Advisor.

As crazy as this last couple of years has been, I have to confess the preceding paragraph sort of blows my mind. One of the top advisors in the White House, conspiring to arrange an extrajudicial rendition, for Mercenary wages. Truly…shit be cray.

Oh, and Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and Dana Rohrabacher are tangled up with Flynn as well? Magnificent.

Probably the most welcome news of the week finds the forces of justice closing in on Balding Hate Dweeb Stephen Miller. I was worried he’d escape unscathed. I wonder if there are janitors in prison, Stephen?

Generally, as it’s revealed that higher-and-higher-ranking Shart campaign officials (Clovis, Sessions, Miller, Hicks) were fully aware of young George Papaderpaderp’s misadventures, it seems like we’re right on the doorstop of that magical time when we get to ask…What Did the President Know and When Did He Know It?

We keep filling in the gaps in the biography of Roy Moore: Pervert, and, y’know…EW.

Apparently Ol’ Man Moore was known to cruise high school football games and even the MALL, looking for “dates.” God, you can just picture it, can’t you? Skeevy Roy lurking in the corner of the food court, tantalizingly flashing American Apparel gift cards at teenagers, winking.

You are NOT Forever 21, Roy.

(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to barf, clean up their barf, and brush their teeth.)

Now, you’d think “child molester” is a low enough ethical bar that for once, all Americans, Republican, Democrat, and even the self-righteous dipshits who follow failed folk-rock artist Jill Stein, can link arms and cry out in one voice “OH HELL NO.” But that would just be too…nice for 2017.

No, instead, we get a distressingly large and powerful contingent of GOP political and media figures circling the wagons AROUND A PEDOPHILE. Suddenly Hannity and Coulter and Ingraham and their ilk are crowing about how the age of consent in Alabama is 16, so we may as well hold the homecoming dance in that one ill-lit bar with off-track betting by the docks, because there’s NOTHING WRONG with old dudes dating high school girls.

Wonder if that’ll make it to the official GOP platform in 2020.

Hannity, at least, is paying a price, with advertisers dropping him, possibly because “The Official Tooth Whitener of Child Molester Apologists” just doesn’t have that Don Draper magic.

But NOW, because we’re right in the Heart of Darkness, skinny-dipping in the fucking river, the MAGAnet wants to boycott the companies that dropped Hannity, because I guess they’re anti-anti-pedophile? Again, I thought the moral bar was too low to even trip over here. This is, I confess, not my first disappointment this year.

So Twitter is full of videos of angry dumbasses smashing their Kuerig machines, because I guess they think destroying their own property months after they’ve transferred their legal tender to the company that manufactured it will teach somebody some sort of lesson.

Oh, and didja see where one of Roy’s lawyers (Gonna need some more of those, Judge Pedo) sat down with Don Lemon on CNN? Obviously unused to a black guy being permitted to ask him questions, he figured he’d casually demean the man, calling him “Don Lemon squeezy keep it easy,” because I guess Alabama really is like this, folks.

Anyway, the guy’s got the creepiest little giggle I’ve ever heard. No way this dude doesn’t have a closet full of femurs in his basement.

Well, if we’re debating whether or not a child molester should be a U.S. Senator, I guess it’s much less scandalous that the Senate Judiciary Committee approved, along partisan lines, a Drumpf nominee for a federal judgeship (again in Alabama, amusingly) who has never tried a single case, who’s been unanimously rated “FUCK NO” by the American Bar Association, and who ran a slobberingly idiotic right wing blog.

The Failing New York Times published the latest entry in the thriving Why the Fuck is Rex Tillerson Destroying the State Department, Doesn’t He Think We Might Need it Later genre. You sort of expect Low-T Rex to just start blasting Smash Mouth over the intercom system at Foggy Bottom until everybody gets fed up and quits.

Republicans are finally coming clean (relatively speaking) about their tax bill. Mitch McConnell now says he “misspoke” about nobody in the middle class getting a tax increase, and that maybe a few million Americans will technically wind up as “serfs,” but the important thing is how happy the Koch brothers will be.

Even Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag went on CNN to say “OK, so we’re raising taxes on some middle class families, but you don’t understand, Sheldon Adelson wants to construct a six-story golden reliquary for the pubic hairs his cleaning staff retrieves from his shower drain, so a few million of you ungrateful peasants will have to tighten your belts.”

If we’re taking money away from working people in order to just hand it to the already uber-wealthy, is that trickle-down? Or shovel-up?

Over on his Asia trip, annoyed at having to Not Golf for so many consecutive days. the Man with Phalangeal stunting gathered the press to tell them “You leave my friend Vlad alone! He says he didn’t interfere in our election, and that’s good enough for me, no matter what the dumb ol’ FBI says!”

Sharty McFly took special care to call respected IC leaders Comey, Clapper, and Brennan “political hacks,” presumably because he doesn’t understand that doing so motivates the IC operatives who admired them to work that much harder to nail his cheap grifter ass to the wall. Not a bright lad, that President.

Let’s also take a moment to note that SCROTUS chose Veteran’s Day to attack his own country’s Intelligence Community.

In fact, he composed a little poem:

This is Just to Say

By Donald J Trump

I have sold out
the nation
that you fought
so hard for

and which
you were probably
saving
for your grandchildren

Forgive me
there is a pee tape
so wet
and so gold

Anyway. I guess Donnie Dotard finally found out where John Kelly hid his phone on the Asia trip (in the veggie bin in Air Force One’s kitchen, the last place he’d look.), and went on a little Twitter tantrum, because he’d been a good boy all weekend, and he deserved it.

Apparently, the President of the United States was upset to learn that Kim Jong-un had referred to him as old (editor’s note: Drump is, in fact, old.), and retaliated by calling him fat. And short. (editor’s note: leave me alone, I’m drinking.)

Il Douche went on to brag about his “chemistry” with Putin. “Sometimes we’ll finish each other’s sentences, or like, we’ll be on the sofa, halfway through an episode of How I Met Your Mother, and he’ll just give me this look like ‘this is boring, let’s watch porn,’ and I’ll switch to porn, but we didn’t even need to say anything.”

Oh, and the U.S. Embassy in Moscow hired one of Uncle Vlad’s old spy buddies to…hang on, it’s hard to type over my own manic cackling…to…”provide security!” Multi-million-dollar contract to hire Russian spies to “guard” our embassy. Why not just CC the Kremlin on all communications?

Shit, y’all. “Political Hacks” John Brennan and James Clapper popped by the Sunday Shoz to remind everyone that foreign leaders understand that flattery will get you everywhere with President Micropenis. Ten minutes of “My, what a successful and not-at-all-fraudulent private university you have,” and suddenly he’ll dump all the classified information you can handle right into your waiting lap.

Jesus. What madness. Anyhow, I’m gonna go donate to Doug Jones so we don’t have a PEDOPHILE SENATOR. You should, too.