Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
At Least Now We Know Why Roy Moore Volunteered to Wear the High School Mascot Suit
We’re all reflecting on the 2016 election, because it was a year ago this week, and we’re remembering our early reactions…our worries, our determination to resist, our fears…those were some dark days, right? But if anybody put any money on “Within one short year we’ll be debating whether or not we should elect child molesters to Congress,” well, you’ve earned your winnings.
What other lunacy is bludgeoning our senses these days? Let’s jump in:
We’re hearing reports that Team Shart’s refusing to approve the AT&T/Time Warner merger unless they sell off CNN, or maybe just tie CNN up in a burlap sack and throw it into a lake. Also Jared Kushner apparently told CNN honchos to fire 20% of their staff because of all their Fake Gnusing and Insufficient Bootlicking and whatnot.
So yeah, it’s just the Executive Branch of the American government, vindictively targeting a critical media outlet. No biggie. What’s a little fascism between friends?
Hey, this Mike Flynn shit, right? I guess Rugged Robert Mueller’s team is investigating him (and his frothy maniac son) for maybe plotting to kidnap an exiled dissenter living in Pennsylvania at the behest of his Turkish paymasters, for 15 million bucks. While serving on the transition team. And this is the guy our Idiot Manchild President made his fucking National Security Advisor.
As crazy as this last couple of years has been, I have to confess the preceding paragraph sort of blows my mind. One of the top advisors in the White House, conspiring to arrange an extrajudicial rendition, for Mercenary wages. Truly…shit be cray.
Probably the most welcome news of the week finds the forces of justice closing in on Balding Hate Dweeb Stephen Miller. I was worried he’d escape unscathed. I wonder if there are janitors in prison, Stephen?
Generally, as it’s revealed that higher-and-higher-ranking Shart campaign officials (Clovis, Sessions, Miller, Hicks) were fully aware of young George Papaderpaderp’s misadventures, it seems like we’re right on the doorstop of that magical time when we get to ask…What Did the President Know and When Did He Know It?
We keep filling in the gaps in the biography of Roy Moore: Pervert, and, y’know…EW.
Apparently Ol’ Man Moore was known to cruise high school football games and even the MALL, looking for “dates.” God, you can just picture it, can’t you? Skeevy Roy lurking in the corner of the food court, tantalizingly flashing American Apparel gift cards at teenagers, winking.
You are NOT Forever 21, Roy.
(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to barf, clean up their barf, and brush their teeth.)
Now, you’d think “child molester” is a low enough ethical bar that for once, all Americans, Republican, Democrat, and even the self-righteous dipshits who follow failed folk-rock artist Jill Stein, can link arms and cry out in one voice “OH HELL NO.” But that would just be too…nice for 2017.
No, instead, we get a distressingly large and powerful contingent of GOP political and media figures circling the wagons AROUND A PEDOPHILE. Suddenly Hannity and Coulter and Ingraham and their ilk are crowing about how the age of consent in Alabama is 16, so we may as well hold the homecoming dance in that one ill-lit bar with off-track betting by the docks, because there’s NOTHING WRONG with old dudes dating high school girls.
Wonder if that’ll make it to the official GOP platform in 2020.
Hannity, at least, is paying a price, with advertisers dropping him, possibly because “The Official Tooth Whitener of Child Molester Apologists” just doesn’t have that Don Draper magic.
But NOW, because we’re right in the Heart of Darkness, skinny-dipping in the fucking river, the MAGAnet wants to boycott the companies that dropped Hannity, because I guess they’re anti-anti-pedophile? Again, I thought the moral bar was too low to even trip over here. This is, I confess, not my first disappointment this year.
So Twitter is full of videos of angry dumbasses smashing their Kuerig machines, because I guess they think destroying their own property months after they’ve transferred their legal tender to the company that manufactured it will teach somebody some sort of lesson.
Oh, and didja see where one of Roy’s lawyers (Gonna need some more of those, Judge Pedo) sat down with Don Lemon on CNN? Obviously unused to a black guy being permitted to ask him questions, he figured he’d casually demean the man, calling him “Don Lemon squeezy keep it easy,” because I guess Alabama really is like this, folks.
Anyway, the guy’s got the creepiest little giggle I’ve ever heard. No way this dude doesn’t have a closet full of femurs in his basement.
Well, if we’re debating whether or not a child molester should be a U.S. Senator, I guess it’s much less scandalous that the Senate Judiciary Committee approved, along partisan lines, a Drumpf nominee for a federal judgeship (again in Alabama, amusingly) who has never tried a single case, who’s been unanimously rated “FUCK NO” by the American Bar Association, and who ran a slobberingly idiotic right wing blog.
The Failing New York Times published the latest entry in the thriving Why the Fuck is Rex Tillerson Destroying the State Department, Doesn’t He Think We Might Need it Later genre. You sort of expect Low-T Rex to just start blasting Smash Mouth over the intercom system at Foggy Bottom until everybody gets fed up and quits.
Republicans are finally coming clean (relatively speaking) about their tax bill. Mitch McConnell now says he “misspoke” about nobody in the middle class getting a tax increase, and that maybe a few million Americans will technically wind up as “serfs,” but the important thing is how happy the Koch brothers will be.
Even Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag went on CNN to say “OK, so we’re raising taxes on some middle class families, but you don’t understand, Sheldon Adelson wants to construct a six-story golden reliquary for the pubic hairs his cleaning staff retrieves from his shower drain, so a few million of you ungrateful peasants will have to tighten your belts.”
If we’re taking money away from working people in order to just hand it to the already uber-wealthy, is that trickle-down? Or shovel-up?
Over on his Asia trip, annoyed at having to Not Golf for so many consecutive days. the Man with Phalangeal stunting gathered the press to tell them “You leave my friend Vlad alone! He says he didn’t interfere in our election, and that’s good enough for me, no matter what the dumb ol’ FBI says!”
Sharty McFly took special care to call respected IC leaders Comey, Clapper, and Brennan “political hacks,” presumably because he doesn’t understand that doing so motivates the IC operatives who admired them to work that much harder to nail his cheap grifter ass to the wall. Not a bright lad, that President.
Let’s also take a moment to note that SCROTUS chose Veteran’s Day to attack his own country’s Intelligence Community.
In fact, he composed a little poem:
This is Just to Say
By Donald J Trump
I have sold out
that you fought
so hard for
you were probably
for your grandchildren
there is a pee tape
and so gold
Anyway. I guess Donnie Dotard finally found out where John Kelly hid his phone on the Asia trip (in the veggie bin in Air Force One’s kitchen, the last place he’d look.), and went on a little Twitter tantrum, because he’d been a good boy all weekend, and he deserved it.
Apparently, the President of the United States was upset to learn that Kim Jong-un had referred to him as old (editor’s note: Drump is, in fact, old.), and retaliated by calling him fat. And short. (editor’s note: leave me alone, I’m drinking.)
Il Douche went on to brag about his “chemistry” with Putin. “Sometimes we’ll finish each other’s sentences, or like, we’ll be on the sofa, halfway through an episode of How I Met Your Mother, and he’ll just give me this look like ‘this is boring, let’s watch porn,’ and I’ll switch to porn, but we didn’t even need to say anything.”
Oh, and the U.S. Embassy in Moscow hired one of Uncle Vlad’s old spy buddies to…hang on, it’s hard to type over my own manic cackling…to…”provide security!” Multi-million-dollar contract to hire Russian spies to “guard” our embassy. Why not just CC the Kremlin on all communications?
Shit, y’all. “Political Hacks” John Brennan and James Clapper popped by the Sunday Shoz to remind everyone that foreign leaders understand that flattery will get you everywhere with President Micropenis. Ten minutes of “My, what a successful and not-at-all-fraudulent private university you have,” and suddenly he’ll dump all the classified information you can handle right into your waiting lap.
Jesus. What madness. Anyhow, I’m gonna go donate to Doug Jones so we don’t have a PEDOPHILE SENATOR. You should, too.