Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Let Me Coax Poo Jokes Out of the “Impeachment Hoax” for You Folks
Greetings, fellow Agents of Soros! How are you planning on spending your globalist payoff this week? I was gonna pay down some debt, but reading the news this week, I realized I needed a beer. Or twenty. Holy fuckballs, this shit is CRAY.
So, just to get the obscure, boring, inconsequential, stuff out of the way up front, I guess we had some televised impeachment hearings this week. I won’t go over all the details of the testimony, but I will give you a list of 16 winners and 9 losers, JUST KIDDING I may be a drunken maniac in a luchador mask, but at least I’m not a hack like Chris fucking Cillizza. Suffice to say, if you were playing a drinking game where you took a shot every time a witness offered something damning about the Trump/Giuliani Extortion Cabal, you’d be dead now. If you also drank every time one of the feral GOP assclowns on the committee said something colossally stupid, you’d be mummified, too.
Republicans are having a hard time defending the Offal in the Oval, likely because in addition to all the documented and corroborated testimony, the dopey old bastard has confessed, several times, in public, including fucking TODAY.
The good news for the GOP, of course, is that their millions-strong rube base isn’t interesting in silly ol’ things like facts! Not when you can tune in five nights a week to have Sean Hannity skip over all that dreary nuance and just tell you who to hate! Yes, the only downside to building an airtight case in the real world is that about 30% of your countrymen have elected to reside elsewhere, in a Shitty Wonderland where the cheapest imaginable con man is Christlike, and anyone who chooses to stand up for American democracy automatically becomes a villain, simply by virtue of opposing the Turd Emperor.
So of course there’s a coordinated attempt to smear Alexander Vindman as some sort of Ukrainian double agent, even as the right wing jagoffosphere attacks Fiona Hill, who has more patriotism in a single singed pigtail as the lot of them put together, as un-American because she sounds like one o’ them Game of Thrones people when she talks. Remember, the only point in destroying these brave, faithful, civil servants is to help Hairplug Himmler get away with using the powers of his office to extort a brave, faithful, ally. I’m sticking with the team that still values bravery and fidelity, thanks.
Team Treasonweasel was particularly upset Lt. Col. Vindman wore his uniform to the hearings, on account of how starkly it drew the Purple-Heart-winning Patriot/Treacherous Thug contrast for the viewers at home. Skidmark, Jr. was particularly unimpressed with Vindman, who has probably never, in his whole lifetime of service to the United States of America, done anything nearly as heroic as having Daddy buy him a spot on the bestseller list.
It’s almost as if it’s the very goodness, decency, and courage of the witnesses that brings out the snarling rage in these sniveling fucks. Marsha Blackburn has been flying under the radar a bit since ascending to the Senate, but she simply couldn’t stomach watching Vindman fight for his adopted nation, without exposing the oozing tumor she calls her soul. He’s worth 60 of you, Senator.
With all this rage and hate directed at a good man, simply for fulfilling his oaths while so many around him ignore or betray their own, is it any wonder the U.S. Army is looking at the necessity of providing Lt. Col. Vindman and his family extra protection? Remember back in the day, when you didn’t know what the words “stochastic terrorism” meant? Those were good fuckin’ days, weren’t they?
Even Kurt Volker and Tim Morrison, witnesses the GOP requested, added to the case against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, leading Devin Nunes to implicate his own half-chewed cud brain in the deep state conspiracy to turn the 2016 election back into a pumpkin, or whatever mindless drivel was leaking out of his pigfucking mouth hole that day.
Of course, we can forgive Devin for being peevish, what with Eric Swalwell reading that Daily Beast article, about the Ham Hammer’s ties to indicted Giuliani associate Lev Parnas, into the official record. At what point are you legally required to rebrand your so-called “political party” as an organized crime ring, I wonder? Can you spend super PAC money in the prison commissary? UPDATE: Devin’s problems got a whole helluva lot bigger while I was getting tonight’s blog up…
Despite the clear and overwhelming evidence of the criminal conspiracy emanating from the Shart House, retiring Texas Congressdisappointment Will Hurd mercilessly clubbed to death the last fleeting hope that the Republican Party might contain a handful of sane, rational, elected officials who would be willing do something radical, like maybe putting country before party, and standing up for the rule of law. Like, in five years, a “moderate Republican” will be one that advocates for potable water in the concentration camps.
Off-Brand Huckabee Knockoff Stephanie Grisham, perhaps out of boredom borne of never once doing her actual fucking job, decided to spread a sad, mean, little lie, that Obama administration officials left their Trumpist successors hateful little notes during the transition period, in addition to hiding thumbtacks on all the chairs, and also they installed pits of lava that everyone had to jump over like Mario and not Level 1-1 lava pits either, I’m talking some seriously sadistic Mario Maker shit here. Anyhow, Grisham’s compulsive, mendacious, craving for victimhood is deeply pathetic, and I’m honestly grateful I’m not that fucked up.
I was briefly hospitalized this week, because I read that Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo is concerned his association with Kid Kompromat is tarnishing his reputation ahead of a potential Senate run, and I laughed so hard I fractured three ribs. Mike, you have the reputation of a stupid, lying, crooked, malicious, disloyal, anti-American, autocrat stooge, and it is RICHLY deserved. Anyway, it looks like 2020 will feature Kansas’ Pompeo/Kobach primary competing with Alabama’s Sessions/Moore face-off in the finals of the Absolute Shitbag Olympics, that should be a real nail-biter.
We had another one of those “wow, that’s really great satire, nice w-NOPE IT’S FUCKING REAL” moments when a photographer captured a shot of the notes Weehands McNodick had scrawled out with his tiny, inadequate, little hands, before waddling out to whine in front of the cameras for a bit. Yeah, and somehow the doddering old fart who needs to write down “NO QUID PRO QUO” lest it vanish from his addled brain like Tiffany’s birthday perceives himself as a skilled and feared master negotiator, even as he gets repeatedly rolled by a ninth-rate crime lord like Kim Jong-un.
Because his actual record is merely a litany of crimes and failures, President Crotchvoid frequently takes credit for shit he had nothing whatsoever to do with, which makes sense, in fairness, because “Re-elect me so I can keep stealing and fucking shit up” isn’t a great message. Anyway, now he’s taking credit for an Apple factory in Texas, which has been open since 2013, but which he now claims sprang, fully-formed, from his spray-tanned forehead just this week. Hey, if you’re still falling for this garbage, you deserve your life.
Because basic human decency is partisan now, Iowa’s Joni Ernst is blocking reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, over closing the “boyfriend loophole,” and expanding protection to Native Americans and LGBTQ citizens. Basically, Joni wants a Violence Against Straight White Women Who Vote Republican The Rest of Y’All Can Go Fuck Yourselves Act, and I honestly can’t fathom how a person becomes so epically goddamn awful.
While Strawberry Shartcake can’t seem to find the time to read a chapter in an Economics 101 textbook on how trade works, he can be quite the fussy little micromanager when he wants to, as demonstrated by his insistence on overruling the Navy’s decision to expel Eddie Gallagher from the SEALs for being a MOTHERFUCKING WAR CRIMINAL. Golly, I sure wish the President cared as much, or fought as hard, for ordinary Americans as he does for psychotic murderers.
Benjamin Netanyahu got indicted on multiple counts of bribery and whatnot, and wasted no time whatsoever in attacking the very rule of the law, calling his prosecution a “coup,” and demanding investigations of the investigators. I tell you what, Martha, I knew right away that mean-looking Trump Boy Bibi’s been hanging out with was going to be a bad influence.
One of the many casual verbal spankings Fiona Hill delivered during her testimony was a denunciation of the conspiracy theory that it was Ukraine, not Russia, who interfered in the 2016 election. Republicans on the Intel Committee responded with theatrical indignation, because, they said, while this is a lie spread by countless Republicans, and while they themselves spread countless lies of their own, this particular group of Republicans was innocent of parroting that particular lie, they had admitted Russia interfered in the 2016 election, GLOVE SLAP and pistols at dawn. Anyway, the President of the United States, pairing his already-potent pulpit with the Fux n’ Fiendz platform, called in to chat a bit with his favorite advisors (heaven help us), ranting like a loon who sprinkles meth and Alex Jones’ ballsweat on their morning cornflakes about Crowdstrike and Ukraine and Hillary Clinton waking him up in the middle of the night, yelling at him through the fillings in his teeth.
It might seem weird to you, watching the President of the United States giddily spreading Russian propaganda designed specifically to weaken and harm those same United States, but then you think about the trade war, and the sudden retreat in Syria that led to the release of dozens of ISIS prisoners, and you start to notice a fucking pattern, DON’TCHA?
It must also be noted, that equally important to regurgitating Daddy Vlad’s misinformation on national television, the Manchurian Manchild took special care to denounce Ambassador Yovanovitch…for not hanging his photo up in the embassy in Kyiv. It goes without saying that this, too, was a lie, but I confess the greatest mystery of Trumpism, for me at any rate, is how the slavering hordes of Cult45 can look at this quivering, terrified, coward, who is basically like What If You Drained and Distilled the Insecurity Out of Every Single Pimple on Every Single Tween’s Face and Shoved it into an Ill-Fitting Suit, and see “strength.”
Much to my surprise, Lindsey Graham keeps on finding residual scraps of dignity to throw away, launching a little bullshit show “investigation” into the Bidens, in hopes that the President will call him a Good Boy and take him out for a walk to poop in the Rose Garden. Smilin’ Joe wants you to know he’s not mad, Lindsey, just disappointed.
Early reports say a forthcoming Justice Department inspector general’s report takes a sloppy dump square in the middle of right-wing conspiracy theories about the Russia investigation (yes, the one that uncovered numerous crimes, including a coordinated foreign attack on our election; Republicans are mad that we investigated this, for some reason*), which was not, it turns out, a dastardly deep state NeverTrump plot against Saint Donald the Pure Except for the Stealing From Charity Thing Also the Pussy-Grabbing and Yeah Maybe We Should Just Drop It after all. Your QAnon-obsessed uncle back home will be dejected at this news, at least until he decides it’s only further evidence of just how deep the cover-up goes, maaaaaaaan, and retreats back into his fantasies of mass arrests of Democrats, followed of course by mass executions. Enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with that dude, by the way.
Well, at the risk of seeming selfish, I have earned my fucking weekend, and I’m fucking well taking it. We’ll see how much the shitstorm subsides over the holiday week; I’ll check in once there’s a sufficiently high stack of madness at which to gape.
*The reason is that they are traitors.