Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Let Us Give Thanks for All the Bad Things That’re Happening to Rudy Giuliani, and Other News
So, in my internet news-gathering travels this week, I came across that thing where apparently there are folks who like to lie, naked, ass pointed towards the sky, because they believe there are health benefits to be derived from getting sunshine on your butthole, and I’m starting to think maybe we deserve every bit of the crap that’s happening to us.
Well, since Ol’ Pigfucker Nunes got caught with his hand in the (insert traditional Ukrainian snack here I’m too tired to google that shit) jar, he’s suddenly staring down the business end of an ethics investigation, to be conducted by the very colleagues he’s been antagonizing and lying about for so long. Hee.
Devin’s defense strategy thus far has mostly involved making sad, empty, little threats about suing CNN and the Daily Beast, which of course everyone understands he will never actually do, but I think he may just keep on faking it on Fux n’ Fiendz, bragging about how the liberal media is too afraid to respond to the lawsuit he never quite gets around to filing. Basically, conservatism has devolved into subpar white dudes screaming “DEBATE ME” into the cold night sky.
As Nunes’ sweaty, stammering, Fux Nooz appearance proves, none of the Grand Wizard Grifter’s obsequious acolytes have the boss’ charisma, so the propaganda comes off a little flat, like Gregory Peck trying to play Ace Ventura. Like, remember Chris Collins? A few half-hearted rants about “fake news,” until the inevitability of the eventual guilty plea caught up with him.
Speaking of All the President’s Mediocrities, Gym Jordon’s hometown newspaper, the Cleveland Plain-Dealer, delivered the Jacketless Jagoff an atomic wedgie in op-ed form. Not to give Littlefinger advice or anything, but you need better goons, bro.
Foghorn Leghorn, excuse me, “John Kennedy,” making a strong late push in the GOP’s annual Who Can Bring the Most Shame Upon Their Office tournament, went on Fux Nooz to parrot some straight-up Russian propaganda about Ukraine interfering in the 2016 election. John pulled off a nifty little trick though, because while he did walk the comments back from Servile Soviet Stooge to merely There’s a Putin Spooj Stain on My Jacket, he did so on CNN, leaving the brainwashed drones of the right-wing rube-o-sphere blissfully unaware of his correction. Clever.
New documents released by the State Department to a watchdog group link Secretary Pompeo directly to Rudy Giuliani’s Excellent-if-Felonious Ukrainian Adventure, a truly shocking development, because Mikey seems like such a fine, upstanding, fellow, and not at all like the sort of leering hooligan you’d expect to find standing menacingly behind a luxuriantly monologuing James Mason, before eventually clubbing Cary Grant into unconsciousness with a blackjack.
For a dude with few actual core beliefs beyond white supremacy and the desire to fuck his own daughter, it’s equal parts baffling and horrifying that one of the only things Tangerine Id Amin has been able to consistently focus the experimental-hair-tonic-rotted cluster of misfiring neurons he calls a brain on has been the “cause” of praising, pardoning, and elevating a small number of monstrous war criminals, against the advice of his own military commanders. And so here we are, with President Crotchrot firing the decorated Secretary of the Navy for opposing his plan to scrap the Lincoln Memorial in order to carve a new statue of Eddie Gallagher slaughtering civilians or some shit.
And word is, he want to take these monsters out on the campaign trail with him! Like, I know we’re doin’ a boiling frog thing here, but holy fuck, are we really at the point where the guy going, “sure, this vaguely person-shaped shit demon murdered women and children in cold blood, but they were BROWN women and children, so I’m proud to stand beside him and trumpet his endorsement because what unites MY coalition is burning, blinding, unapologetic, HATE!!!” has a floor of 60 million votes?
We learned that Team Treasonweasel dispatched the President’s Personal Prized Pet Poodle, Lindsey Graham, to block a bipartisan resolution recognizing Turkey’s Armenian genocide so as not to piss in Erdoğan’s tea while he massacres our Kurdish allies. Y’know, what we really need to do is bribe some petty tyrant into advocating for some progressive policies here at home. What do you think it would cost to get Rodrigo Duterte to call Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops up in the middle of night, angrily demanding universal pre-K for all Americans? Crowdfund that shit.
After a relaxing vacation spent torturing sea monkeys to death, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is ready return to her one true passion: fascism. Yes, the Uncredible Huck is now giving interviews ahead of an expected bid to become Turdlord of All Arkansas, like her shitmaggot daddy before her. Sarah says she hates being called a liar, but not enough to, y’know, take a lil’ honesty out for a test drive around the block. I get it; I don’t like being called a chubby motherfucker, but not enough to give up beer and cake.
Lots of mega-creepy stuff from prominent Republicans lately, to remind us that while we throw the word “cult” around kinda casually to describe their shitty little rage clique, they are in fact an extremely warped cult for the dense and deranged. Rick Perry, shattering once and for all the myth of the Smart Guy Glasses, proclaimed Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot to be God’s Personal Favorite Bowl of Buffalo Diarrhea or something, and Nikki Haley concurred, and then there was some snake-handling and speaking in tongues and Joel Osteen attacked a bunch of hurricane victims with a tire iron, because Jesus.
I confess, I’m not exactly sure why it was so important to God to deliver the most powerful military force in human history into the (tiny, adequate) hands of man perplexed by the dazzling intricacy of the device men call “an umbrella,” but I’ll leave that to the dirtbag theologians, I suppose. The only logical conclusion of the maniacal “God sent Donald Trump” theory is that God absolutely fucking despises the United States, and wants the nation and her people to suffer, and honestly, I don’t think we should rule that out.
Sharty McFly signed into law a bipartisan bill making animal cruelty a federal crime. He didn’t write it, he didn’t push for it, he didn’t work on it at all, but at least the tar-souled freak didn’t veto the fucking thing. Congratulations, I guess, on the single two-minute stretch of 2019 when you weren’t the single worst thing about life on Earth.
Another bill that I guarantee the Offal in the Oval never knew one fucking thing about until Mick Mulvaney shoved it beneath his ketchup-crusted, too-long, necktie to sign, creates a commemorative coin honoring the 100-year anniversary of women’s suffrage. Perpetually desperate for a spritz of the Perfume of Actual Accomplishment to mask the stench coming off the ever-growing Shitmound of Repeated Failure that is his presidency, he showered himself in glory, mocking all the loser presidents who came before him, for failing to issue the centennial coin before the fucking centennial fucking happened. This is the one they’ll remember you for, Dotard. I bet somebody picked up Mike Pants on a hot mic, going “this is a big fucking deal.”
Chosen one, indeed.
Didja ever see Terry Gilliam’s Brazil? ‘Member that one scene, where Robert De Niro gets engulfed by this malicious whirling storm of paper? That’s what’s happening to Rudy Giuliani, only all the papers are subpoenas relating to his “consulting” business. I’m being told by sources there are as many as seven crimes that Rudy is NOT currently being investigated for, but he’s hoping to get to them before the inevitable pre-dawn raid and schadenfreudelicious perp walk.
…Can we talk about how Mayor 9/11’s third act has basically been, “I’ll show you loser cuck terrorists how to destroy America, THAT’LL LEARN YA.”
Well, it looks like the advertiser boycotts have finally pushed Tucker Carlson over the line into open treason. When it comes time to pick teams for kickball, Liar Tuck doesn’t want America, he doesn’t want any of her faithful allies, he says “Red Rover, Red Rover, let Russia come over!” It’s a little weird that the folks siding with the hostile foreign power that attacked our election are the ones running the detention camps rather than populating them…I believe I’d like to speak with a a manager.
A federal judge ruled that former Shart House Counsel Don McGahn must obey a congressional subpoena after all, because Donald Trump may be the Emperor of Turds, but in America, we don’t “do” kings. Yeah, the Taintfungus Administration is appealing, but this one is a huge victory for the rule of law, in spite of that voodoo doll Shart Garfunkel keeps by his bed, which he pretends is the Constitution, and subjects to all sorts of horrors, many of which are sexual in nature so I shall not ruin your night by describing them here.
Meanwhile, a crazed, sweaty, Papa John is out there somewhere, freebasing six pizzas an hour, making threats like a below-average pro wrestler and OH MY GOD HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU RIGHT NOW RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!
Surely there’s no more perfect symbol of the piss-stained, dumpster-dived, George Orwell coloring book we’re all trapped inside than the two day controversy over the gender of the hero dog from the al-Baghdadi raid. Is the entire executive branch of the U.S. government lying about canine genitals to cover up Grandpa Goebbels’ latest bonehead mistake? Maybe? Perhaps it doesn’t really matter so much, except in that these ratfinks lie about damn near everything, and since we can’t trust them to accurately evaluate the contents of a dog’s crotch, fuck no we don’t buy their “gosh I had a sudden urge to take a small portion of my annual physical this afternoon” bullshit. The Boy Who Cried Wolf isn’t a fable for no reason, you fucks.
The Duchess Melania got good n’ righteously booed by schoolchildren in Baltimore, because nobody on her staff was smart enough to keep her away from the city her buttpimple husband repeatedly demonizes in dehumanizing terms. In fairness, if they can’t do better than Mulvaney and Miller in the West Wing, I imagine you’re really scraping the bottom of the Veryfine Incel Staffing Agency’s temp pool barrel by the time you get around to staffing the First Lady.
Also, of course we can’t even get through the annual turkey pardoning schtick without a generous serving of self-pity with a side of authoritarian attacks on the free press, because hey, a little stochastic terrorism can go a long way over the long holiday weekend; gonna be a whole lotta emotional unstable loners to rile up, and it only takes one to massacre a newsroom, right?
New testimony released by the House Intelligence Committee reveals that Fat Q*Bert knew about the whistleblower complaint before he decided, in his magnanimity, to abandon his extortion scheme and release the aid he was illegally withholding from Ukraine. It’s just a shame that getting caught committing the largest crime in the history of the American presidency forced our devoted anti-corruption crusader to walk away from his commitment to clean up a country he couldn’t find on a map.
We also learned from the newly-released testimony that two OMB officials resigned as a result of the plot to hold up the aid, probably because “betraying the United States on behalf of the cheapest imaginable crook” wasn’t in the original job description on Craigslist.
Kentucky Republicans are pulling the now-standard “Welp, we lost the governorship, so it’s time to strip the office of as much power as we can get away with” bit, because they are anti-democracy fanatics who think ruling with the consent of the governed is for weenies. Well, it is YOU, Kentucky Republicans, who are the true weenies, says I.
After a killer opening set from Adam Schiff & the Inteladelic Funk Committee, roadies for Jerry Nadler and his Judiciary Jug Band are setting up the stage for the next round of impeachment hearings next week. Nadler is allowing Strawberry Shartcake and his lawyers to attend, which should put an end to all this whining about due process. And also stop the tide from turning and transform lead into gold.
In what has rapidly become a hackneyed cliche, here we are once again, at that point when Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “loyalty”) pretends he was barely acquainted with (checks notes) his personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani. (Fun fact: in his native treasonous douchebag dialect, “Giuliani” means “he who commits incest while neglecting dental hygiene!) Well, you had to know this day was coming, Cousin-Fucker, let’s see that “insurance policy,” huh?
Now, this is extra-hilarious, because in the doctored transcript of the Zelensky call the Adderall-Addled Assclown released, (you remember, the one where he openly commits an impeachable crime) he also tells the Z-man, “hey, work out the deets with my boy Roo-Roo,” and of course that’s far from the only evidence of this particular super-villain team-up, but the point is, godDAMN it is one of life’s great pleasures, watching these felonious scumfucks turn on one another.
Just a heads up, there’s a War on Thanksgiving now, and we’re the aggressors. Yeah, another of Weehands McNodick’s desperately-invented victories was over us dastardly liberals, when we demanded to rename Thanksgiving…fuck, I don’t even know we were supposed to have proposed calling it instead. “Piss on the Founders’ Graves Like a Flock of Russian Whores Day?” Who the fuck knows? I’m only telling you so you’ll understand why your spittle-drenched relatives back home are strutting so triumphantly every time they say “Thanksgiving” near you.
So it seems DHS and ICE worked out this zany little scheme where they set up a fake college, recruited foreign students, and then once they arrived, they got arrested and deported for attending a fake college. This is an elaborate, psychotic, plot to help Stephen Miller get his first erection, isn’t it? But seriously, who the fuck would DO something like this? What’s the POINT?
And yeah, President Gas Station Urinal Cake tweeted out that sad little picture of his face on top of Rocky Balboa’s body, the latest manifestation of the ravenous insecurity that drives his every pathetic, attention-crazed, act. Not for one passing moment of his misspent life has he experienced happiness or peace, and that’s an awful existence I wouldn’t wish on anyone…else.
I hope you wore a helmet today, because we were pelted with a veritable hailstorm of stories about Rudy Giuliani’s corrupt activities in Ukraine. Seriously, I’ve had shovel my driveway clean of Rudy Gnus twice already today.
The Justice Department’s inspector general found no evidence that the FBI spied on the Shart campaign in 2016, yet another example of the villainous deep state suppressing non-existent evidence of the batshit conspiracy theories the Velveeta Vulgarian pulls out of his let’s-just-call-it-significantly-different-than-Sylvester-Stallone’s ass. Your QAnon-addicted cousin may need a hug this weekend, is all I’m saying.
And with that, I will leave y’all to your families and your dinners and your football games and your sex dungeons or whatever else you have planned. Don’t let the political arguments get too out of hand, unless somebody reading this happens to be Bill Barr’s Thanksgiving, in which case you have my blessing to tear that bastard a new asshole.
…and make sure it gets plenty of sun.