Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Let’s Make This Don & Rudy’s Last Good Xmas for a Loooooong Time
‘Twas the night before Xmas, the whole world was dreaming
Of a glorious day without Trump’s endless screaming
The stockings are filled with crap meant to amuse
This rhyming shit’s too hard, let’s just do the news
While you read this blog, know that Hairplug Himmler keeps checking under Melania’s nightmare Xmas tree every five minutes to see if Nancy Claus has delivered any articles of impeachment yet, but no, it’s all still just coal, and not even clean coal, because clean coal isn’t really a thing, is it? Don’t worry, they’ll arrive soon enough, lil’ fellah, and you may even be getting more than you expected…
Newly released documents show the Shart House reached out their tiny, inadequate, hands to order the hold on aid to Ukraine a mere 91 minutes after the famous “Please help me get rid of the Biden underneath my bed, he is so very frightening and the night light isn’t helping” call with President Zelensky, giving Senate Republicans even more damning evidence to ignore. Ignoring evidence is actually exhausting work, especially when you’re already ignoring your oath of office, the will of your constituents, and the whole dang U.S. Constitution. Hopefully the holiday break will prove relaxing.
We leaned that Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller hatched a demented little plot to embed ICE agents within the refugee agency that cares for unaccompanied migrant children, because where a normal person with a human soul would see a scared little kid in need of love and safety, Miller sees bait, and an opportunity to use familial bonds as a weapon to increase deportations, to Make America White Again, one traumatized child at a time.
Miller’s unrepentant, racist, evil is the argument to throw in the faces of your smug, third-party-backing friends, by the way. When they start to strut and preen over how the eventual Democratic nominee hasn’t “earned” their vote, ask them what the victims of Stephen Miller and his white nationalist cabal have to do to “earn” your help, because filling in the bubble next to Jill Stein or Tulsi or whoever they march out this time to shave juuuuuuust enough leftists off to win the Rust Belt might make you the toast of your social media bubble, but it won’t remove one single child from a cage.
Allies are hard to come by when you’re a universally despised loser who got caught red-headed breaking more or less every law in the book, so perhaps we can forgive Kid Kompromat for trumpeting Putin’s support, or perhaps we should remember that Putin is a murderous dictator who ordered an attack on the USA not so very long ago, and invite both enemies of our beloved state to feast on the contents of a campground outhouse.
Y’know if even Putin did have my back on something controversial like, “I find the 2012 Joseph Gordon-Levitt vehicle Premium Rush to be criminally underrated, and y’know who else does, too? My authoritarian buddy, Vlad, who invades sovereign nations and murders journalists, that’s who!” I kinda feel like I’d keep that shit to myself.
Hey, you’ll never believe believe this, but Dorito Mussolini’s North Korea policy is looking like big, fat, failure; a rare outlier in a life brimming with successes like Trump steaks, Trump vodka, Trump University, and did I mention this clod actually managed to fail at the goddamn casino business? Seriously, we put a dude who found a way to fuck up a business model that goes “we just take your money and don’t give you anything back,” and put him in charge of foreign policy, and somehow we’re amazed it isn’t going well.
Meanwhile, Jeff Van Drew, who still has that “new traitor” smell after pledging “undying” fealty to his new Turdlord, slithered out onto Fux Nooz to bend the knee, with the sycophant proclamation, “Hey, you know who’s super-good at journalism and who is in no way a ruptured sewage pipe, spewing forth state propaganda to pollute American minds? FUX NOOZ, that’s who!” anyway Jeff Van Drew doesn’t seem to have any core beliefs beyond “Jeff Van Drew should be in Congress,” so I think we’re in an addition-by-subtraction situation here.
The Failing New York Times published a fun little article on how Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet finally pushed the last remnants of the mob of rabid lemmings known as the Republican Party all the way off the cliff of madness they’ve been flirting with the edge of for lo these many years. The secret ingredient, it turns out, is cowards. Y’see, there are apparently some Republicans who WANT to stand up to the Emperor of Turds, but they are afraid, and they would very much like our sympathy and respect for their unacted upon principles, to which I say, “my sympathy is reserved for the children in the camps and the refugees turned away at our borders and the transgender Americans blocked from serving in the military and all the other victims of your cowardice; you don’t get sympathy, I’m all fucking out of that; you get scorn, because it’s what you fucking deserve.
As for respect, the world is hardly short of examples of the relatively minimal amount of courage it takes to stand up for your country and her Constitution. Look to Justin Amash if you must. Look to Fiona Hill, Alexander Vindman, and Marie Yovanovitch. Look to damn near every Democrat in Congress. Look to the millions of us who’ve been marching, fundraising, knocking on doors, getting out the vote, doing the hard work necessary to drag America back to a place of decency again. You wanna whinge anonymously to the papers about how hard your position is? Fuck you. There’s still plenty of shit on the driveway; pick up a shovel and get to work.
So now Barely-Perceptible Ex-GOP Congressmicrobe David Trott, having retired rather than standing up to his cult, excuse me, his “party,” says he “probably” would’ve voted for impeachment, except for the whole “spineless retreat” thing. Tell you what, you can sit with Jeff Flake at the Too Little, Too Late table, David.
Well, the Treasonweasel Administration blocked a light bulb energy efficiency rule that was set to go into effect in the new year. Enjoy your monumental KKKulture War triumph, I guess. Revel in the spoils of victory, which are (checks notes) higher electric bills and (rechecks notes) nothing else. Maybe y’all can take aim at bicycle helmets and seat belts and warning labels on rat poison next…shit, if Sharty McFly wins a second term, you dopes might just deregulate yourselves into extinction.
Ron Johnson, previously criticized for spreading Kremlin propaganda, seems to have enjoyed the attention so much that he swung back by the Sunday Shoz to spread a little more Kremlin propaganda. Now, I’m an old-fashioned, Norman-Rockwell-type American, and personally, I like my Senators to be a little less…how to put this…a little less ON THE SIDE OF THE HOSTILE FOREIGN NATION THAT ATTACKED MY BELOVED HOMELAND, so if Matt Bevin is done fucking himself with that rusty trowel (from last week’s blog, duh) maybe he can overnight it to Wisconsin, because I really hate to think of RoJo, all alone this holiday season, not fucking himself with a rusty trowel.
Similarly, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy continues applying the principles of the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Gaslighting, Chapter 2: Just Lie, Baby!, unashamedly misrepresenting the contents of the recent DoJ IG report, claiming it actually validates, rather than debunks, Emperor Turdmaggot’s wildest delusions, from “the FBI spied on my campaign” to “I don’t have to pay for sex.” Expect more of this shit, now that the GOP has learned that their base doesn’t want truth, or even reality, just enemies to hate.
And yeah, you’ve surely seen Donnie Dotard’s infamous Windmill Rant by now. I think everyone’s overreacting, frankly, it’s totally normal shit…for, say, Will-Ferrell-with-a-tranquilizer-dart-protruding-from-his-neck. For a dude with the power to deploy the most fearsome military in all human history at his slightest passing whim? Ok, sure, it’s a problem.
The entirely predictable backlash to last week’s pro-impeachment editorial in Christianity Today arrived right on time; it turns out the Fascist Farthuffer’s Faux Faithful don’t enjoy having their comical hypocrisy/total lack of actual values pointed out, but, y’know…if Ron Johnson would just hurry up with that trowel…
Folks, this is not a subtle moral choice, we’re not contemplating some unknowable ethical dilemma: we’re talking about a dude who lies and cheats and incites violence and steals from fucking CHARITY. We are talking about a man who opened concentration camps, on American soil, and filled them with terrified children. Of COURSE supporting Donald Trump is incompatible with the teachings of Christ, or, indeed, with any religious code worth a damn. Trumpism is hateful. Trumpism is about hurting people. Fuck your hollow claims to piety, we fucking well see you for what you really are. You want to stand on the grave of a child who died, in detention, of medical neglect, and act like you have the moral high ground? Go ahead, just pardon us if we laugh in your face.
I’m starting to see why Weehands McNodick and Rudy “Never Met a Cousin I Didn’t Like Inappropriately” Giuliani get along so well, they’ve got a ton in common: treason, crimes, undermining American democracy, and to top it all off, they’re both in a state of such rapid mental decline as I haven’t seen since my college roommates brought home three boxes of whippits. Anyway, the absolutely batguano nucking futz interview he gave to Olivia Nuzzi makes a rather compelling case that in the long-term, incest can lead to severe brain damage, so, y’know…even if you catch your cousin under the mistletoe…y’know…look out.
Operating on a similar theory to Donnie Two-Scoops’ “it doesn’t count as quid pro quo if you say ‘no quid pro quo’,” Rudy seems to believe that prefacing an anti-Semitic diatribe by saying “I am not anti-Semitic” renders said anti-Semitic diatribe magically non-anti-Semitic. Hence, shit like, “George Soros is a sinister puppet master ruling the world behind the scenes with his money HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME?!?!” Anyway, this holiday season, the white nationalist President’s personal attorney is setting himself up on the internet as the arbiter of who is and isn’t acceptably Jewish, what could possibly go wrong?
Well, that’s more than enough of this shit, let’s all move on to some frickin’ holiday cheer, okay? I wish you all the happiest of holidays, and a very Merry Xmas to those who celebrate, and to those who don’t, hey, enjoy a day where they’re not allowed to send you any bills in the mail. If you want to get me a present, I usually prefer beer, but for some reason, I can’t seem to find my trowel…
PS, Might not see y’all for a bit, what with the holiday gnus slowdown, but don’t forget, coming in the New Year: