Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Look Out, Louie Gohmert! There’s Some Real Competition for the ‘Dumbest Man in Congress’ Crown This Year!
I woke up to the news that David Ortiz had been shot and Justin Bieber tried to pick a fight with Tom Cruise, and to my credit, I didn’t chug all the NyQuil in my house and go back to bed, like I really wanted to. Might as well catch up on the madness, I ‘spose.
When last we spoke, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster was throwing himself a parade celebrating all the amazing concessions he won from Mexico in exchange for withdrawing his proposed tariffs, but when he called up the Nobel people to propose a special prize for Manly Dominance Over a Neighbor and Trade Partner, he was greeted with derisive Norwegian laughter* because the world quickly learned that in fact, he had backed down completely, in exchange for nothing that hadn’t been agreed to weeks earlier.
Caught in his lie, the Velveeta Vulgarian let his unfailing instinct for pathetic behavior guide him, insisting that yuh huh he got lots of concessions in the deal, really hot concessions, too, only they live in Canada, so you can’t meet them right now, maybe over summer break. But the truth is out, and now the whole world is laughing at him for declaring victory while retreating like the French Army led by Paul Reiser’s character in Aliens.
Look, bro, if it was such a big win, you wouldn’t have dumped it on a Friday night.
So, not only did the Shart Family Robinson enjoy a luxuriant European vacation at taxpayer expense, but the Large Adult Sons got so caught up in the thrill of pissing away other folks’ hard-earned money that they skipped town without paying their bar tab. Look, if you served the most famous grifters on the planet without getting a credit card up front, you don’t deserve to get paid. Like, if Fast Eddie Felson hustles you, that’s one thing; if you bet the farm going one on one with Michael Jordan, that’s your own goddamn fault.
After a couple days of media attention, the bill did wind up getting paid. Let that be a lesson: if any member of this cheap crook family owes you money, or, say, hypothetically, pledges an extravagant charitable donation they have absolutely no intention of ever following through on, your only shot is getting your story in the news. Write that shit down, y’all.
I see noted HateMosquito Milo Yadon’tgotnobookdealnomo has been appointed Grand High Asshat of the forthcoming “Straight Pride” Parade in Boston, because headline-thirsty hate-mongers of a feather march together, I suppose. Now, Milo is a lot of things, but he certainly isn’t straight, so maybe we should pick this apart, if only to work out what this gathering is really all about.
Hmmmm…what-o-what does Milo have in common with the organizers, if not sexual orientation? Have the organizers also lost a six-figure book deal due to comments praising pedophilia? Have they been banned from traveling to Australia, making this some sort of hyper-specific, We Deserve to See Kangaroos and the Sydney Opera House Up Close parade? Could it be as simple as a light stroll in honor of the loud, over-groomed, and useless?
Or, wait, gosh, and bear with me here, but MAYBE IT’S THE WHITE NATIONALISM.
The fine Republican crotchtumors in Missouri have decided that the state’s last remaining abortion clinic can stay open for now, but only if the doctors perform medically unnecessary vaginal exams on their patients, because you shouldn’t be allowed to exercise your constitutional rights without a little violation first, right? Y’know, I don’t want to seem partisan, but maybe sputtering, misogynist, shitstains legislating state-mandated sexual assault is…bad. That’s my platform, can somebody squeeze that onto a bumper sticker?
Mitt Romney is like a space alien that awkwardly tries to mimic things like “leadership” and “courage” based on what it gleaned from old episodes of F Troop, y’know? Anyway, he made quite the show of announcing that he may not endorse anyone at all in 2020, leaving the coveted “dithering milksop” vote up for grabs. Mittens is the guy who tells everybody in the Poseidon Adventure or the Towering Inferno to just hang tight, we’ll be rescued any minute now, and then forty minutes into the movie everybody who listened to him has met a grisly death.
And the Rectal Boil Administration blocked the State Department’s Bureau of Intelligence and Research from presenting testimony on climate change, because it contradicted the Bonespur Buttplug’s “official stance,” which is “Nuh UH!” Y’all don’t get to veto science, do you understand that? Like:
“Water freezes at 0 degrees Celsius!**”
“Well, ideologically, I disagree.”
“As bizarre and interesting as that may be sir, water will go right on freezing at 0 degrees, whether Mitt Romney endorses it or not, whether Rand Paul filibusters it all day long, whether Roy Moore hits on it in the food court at the mall. It’s SCIENCE. You don’t really get a say.”
So, the proto-Gestapo (and fuck no, that’s not an exaggeration) known as ICE, in their fervor to make America whiter than Stephen Miller’s ever-expanding bald spot, so white that all the spray-on hair in the world couldn’t hope to cover it, has actually lost track of the number of veterans they’ve deported. A draft-dodging valor thief, installed in office by a hostile foreign power, is kicking vets out of the country, which clearly contributes to American greatness by…well, by…HEY LOOK OVER THERE, IT’S ANDREW DICE CLAY!!! (runs away while your back is turned)
It seems a handful of aggressively subpar Nazis (redundant, I know) in Detroit got confused by the Pride parade, thinking they meant Dickless Flabby Middle-Aged Basement-Dwelling White Mediocrities Playing Dress-Up Pride, and showed up to a party at which they were decidedly unwelcome. I know I keep flirting with controversy in my usually-fair-n-balanced blog tonight, but goshdarnit, seeing Nazi flags on American streets in 2019 makes me want to puke acid.
Elaine Chao entered Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s cabinet with the reputation as one of the only competent, trustworthy, figures among that shadiest gaggle of unscrupulous creeps this side of the Dick Tracy movie, but it seems she’s caught grifter fever too, likely from a cake knife that Ryan Zinke licked at Sonny Perdue’s last birthday party, and then just set back down on the table for everybody else to use. In addition to all the skullduggery that’s already surfaced in recent weeks, seems Mrs. Yertle has repurposed the Department of Transportation into a wing of her husband’s reelection campaign, steering millions in grants to Kentucky, often for previously-rejected projects. Ne’er in all my days have I seen such a drained swamp.
A company partially owned by Walking Nepotism Warning Label Jared Kushner somehow stumbled into a mysterious $90 million investment in the time since Jar-Jar transformed from a blundering real estate heir into one of the most powerful figures in the U.S. federal government GOSH I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED. One of the really fun things here is, because the money has been filtered through the Cayman Islands, that secretive banking playground for the mega-rich, we the people have no idea just who is shoveling all this money at young Jared, (or, as he is known in international diplomatic circles, The Single Most Bribable Man Walking the Face of God’s Green Earth) or what they’re getting in return.
Last year, Emmanuel Macron and Hairplug Himmler planted a tree on the Shart House lawn, to symbolize the friendship between France and the United States, and now the tree has died, and really, how did this get past the third draft of the script? The fuckin’ FRIENDSHIP TREE died? Really? This is some lazy-ass writing, is all I’m saying.
Everyone agrees that Bulging Ragepimple Ken Cuccinelli could never get confirmed as Director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services by the Senate; Democrats don’t like him because he’s a Klan-level bigot, while Republicans despise him because he raises money for wingnut primary challengers (the two parties are basically the same, y’know). But thanks to fun little loophole, Donnie Two-Scoops appointed him Acting Director, so he gets 210 whole days to hurt non-white people as much as he likes. Rejected by both his own party and the voters of his home state, this little shitweasel still gets to wield awesome political power in the name of hate, isn’t that just ducky?
Alex Jones and his outhouse-gargling website, InfoWars, having already suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of yogurt, have been vanquished once again, this time by a cartoon frog. In ten years Jones is gonna be losing fistfights to Cabbage Patch Kids in disreputable traveling circuses, while children pelt him with dimes.
Jerry Nadler’s getting so good at making William Barr back down, I think in his next congressional appearance, the AG should be made to perform tricks on command in exchange for little bone-shaped treats. Anyway, the Justice Department is turning a bunch of Mueller’s evidence over to Nadler’s House Judiciary Committee. For an administration that seems to enjoy losing in court so much, it’s refreshing to watch them lose before court for a change.
Georgia Congressdoorknob Rob Woodall, who certainly owes his hyper-narrow 2018 re-election to Brian Kemp’s extensive voter suppression efforts, proudly proclaimed to a television interviewer that he had not read the Mueller report, and would not read it in the future, because as a Republican congressmen, protecting the United States from foreign attacks is simply not his job. “No! You can’t make me!” Woodall screamed, deflecting a spoon containing the Mueller report, getting redactions all over his bib and high chair, even though Kasie Hunt made tantalizing airplane motions and noises.
Big shout-out to Somehow Even More Embarrassing Than Rob Woodall Congressdope Matt Gaetz, for his uncanny talent for redirecting any congressional hearing he participates in into an investigation of how Matt Gaetz has a wad of used chewing gum for a brain. I guess John Dean was there too, talking about Nixon or whatever, but the real star of the show was Gaetz, flinging hammer after hammer at his own crotch.
Anyway, Jim Jordan got jealous, and wanted America to laugh at his idiocy too, so he also said some things that were so dumb you wonder why his district elected a thumb to represent them in Congress.
Wow. Almost kinda light today, by 2019 standards. They must be pumping something into the asylum to keep us docile. Or maybe we’re finally returning normalcy, and by the end of the week everything will be HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I can’t even finish that thought, this is hell,
*Just regular laughter, only with more ø’s.
**Yes yes there are plenty of exceptions. Please resist the urge to get cute in the comments.