Shower Cap

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Oh, I think there's enough fresh madness to justify a new post, don't you?

“What I’ll never forget is the sight of him, gazing out with pride upon the bounty he’d provided, like a little kid who’s just made a castle on the lawn out of the dog’s shit.”
https://t.co/OjXfqJjxG4

To every dolt screeching #BoycottGillette:

You understand the market research that goes into an ad like this? They knew they'd lose your business & didn't care. They knew they'd more than make it up for it.

Remember when y’all were so certain the Kaepernick ad would sink Nike?

Don't know if this is real, but I love it. https://t.co/2SJIAqqdMM
Paul Lee Ticks @PaulLeeTicks
BREAKING: Hackers, hack into Walt Disney's Hall of Presidents attraction and reprogram some of the Presidents to make obscene gestures directed toward the Donald Trump animatronic.

(Check out Abe ;)) https://t.co/f6C5fOf7ZB
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Lordy, We’re Getting a Super-Size Portion of Madness, Is it Fucking Sweeps Week?

Thursday, December 13th, 2018

Sometimes people ask me, “Cap? Is shit still cray?” And that’s a good question. Let me put it this way; there was a nationwide wave of bomb threats today, and by next Wednesday, you won’t remember it at all.

I’m actually writing this from the hospital tonight. Yes, friends, watching videos of Chuck n’ Nancy humiliating the Velveeta Vulgarian right in his own damn office, inducing him to drop bowling balls on his own dick, over and over, as the TV cameras he alone invited into the room broadcast it live for the whole word to see and mock, I laughed so fucking hard I fractured several vertebrae. I’m in a full body cast typing with a dowel rod in my mouth but holy shit it was totally worth it.

Seriously, watching the Manchurian Manchild boil with rage every time Pelosi called him a liar to his face, until Schumer finally baited him into petulantly taking “credit” for a government shutdown, like taking candy not from an unusually stupid and small-handed baby. Biggest self-own since the Spanish Armada.

Also, there was a congressional hearing with the CEO of Google, I guess because the GOP felt it was important to prove to the world that they elect mostly out-of-touch old white dudes who would never allow their comical lack of understanding of how the internet works to interfere with their paranoid delusions and ingrained victimhood complexes.

Steve King seemed particularly upset that when you google “Steve King” you quickly gain access to plentiful information about all of the abominable shit Steve King says and does, which makes him look like some kind of idiot fascist. King then demanded that Google turn over the names and social media profiles of its employees to the government, so he could target and persecute any liberals working there, which is kind of an idiotic, fascist, thing to do, don’tcha think?

At a certain point, America really needs to acknowledge and deal with the reality that the Republican Party has been completely taken over by the runts of the tinfoil hat crowd. We’ve been so focused on getting to know all our awesome new House Dems, we didn’t notice the other team’s freshman class includes a bonafide anti-vax doctor! He gets to write laws for the rest of us, isn’t that fun?

And a member of the city council San Juan Capistrano, California, actually started belching up QAnon garbage on the council floor. Qnatics in government, how cool is THAT? I keep telling y’all that this is Hell, don’t I?

Don’t believe me? Would Matt Bevin, who made headlines today by attacking a Pulitzer-winning media outlet by posting an unhinged, fact-free rant from the Daily Fucking Caller, be the Governor of a whole goddamn state if this wasn’t Hell? I think not.

Hey, wanna hear a joke? Sarah Huckleberry Slanders, asked about her legacy, said she hoped people would remember her as “transparent and honest,” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHH! Good one, right?

Hairpiece Himmler said the people would “revolt” should he be impeached for his many crimes, a sneering threat from a cheap thug. Part of me is of course terrified of the possibility that this selfish, soulless, shitweasel may very well order his followers to start a second Civil War just to save himself from the consequences of his actions, but part of me is sort of curious to see what would happen in a war where all the dumbest people in the country were on one side. I bet we could win just by throwing a tarp over the Grand Canyon and tricking them into charging at us on the other side.

Well, Mean Mike Cohen has been sentenced, and it looks like he’ll be putting off that run for NYC Mayor for at least three years! Shart Garfunkel is frantically playing Pin the Blame on the Fixer, but the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is already signaling a willingness to sing like a canary in an open hearing before Congress, so I don’t think tweets are gonna fix this one, old man.

Shit, even the publisher of the National Enquirer, David Pecker, has confessed to colluding with the Tangelo Taint Tumor to illegally pay off one of the women the future President was cheating on his wife with, and this seems like as good a time as any to point out that his electoral base is made up largely of so-called evangelical “Christians” who sincerely believe they are the only moral people in the world.

Shartboy’s attempts to claim he didn’t do anything illegal here ran into a higher-than-his-stupid-border-wall-will-ever-be speed bump when we found out he was actually in the room with Cohen and Pecker when the dirty deed was discussed. Yes, Donnie Dotard was the third man, and that means Robert Mueller is Trevor Howard and I guess America is in the Joe Cotten role.

Speaking of Trumpal-associates-turned-state’s-evidence, have you noticed this weird need in the right wing fucknutosphere to paint Mike Flynn as some sort of martyr to the Church of Trump? Little Red Riding Flynn, who was just trying to take a basket full of refugee clerics over to Grandma Erdogan’s house, when Big Bad Bob tricked him into lying to the FBI?

Kids, do y’all understand on any level that Mike Flynn has spent the last year of his life rolling over on other Trumpworld scumbags? That in order to keep himself and his dirtbag son out of prison, he met with the Mueller investigation nineteen times? He is a one man stool pigeon flock, little MAGAfolk, and he has done your boy no favors.

The moral of the story is, it’s tough to hang onto your friends when they’re also your co-conspirators in federal crimes, especially when you’ve made yourself the center of the entire motherfucking planet’s attention.

The Chief of Staff hunt is proceeding so well, Dorito Mussolini had to temporarily un-fire John Kelly for a few days because he can’t find a replacement. It isn’t embarrassing at all when a third-rate back-bencher like Rick Santorum turns down what was once one the most coveted jobs in politics on live television. Not even a little. Really.

Now the word is, he might hire his incompetent, yappy-dog-voiced, son-in-law for the gig. Jar-Jar’s playing hardball in the negotiations, though, demanding a cotton candy machine at his desk, plus twice-daily recess. We’ll see what happens.

Hey, I guess Ann Coulter is racist, who knew?

Kind of a slow news week, actually. I mean, there was that one thing where a Russian spy pleaded guilty to a conspiracy to infiltrate the National Rifle Association at the behest of the Russian government in order to gain influence over the Republican Party. Oh, and Def Leppard got into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Seriously though, the anti-gun-control crowd is experiencing a mass loss of sphincter control at this news; I’m sure you’ve seen all the photos of Maria Butina smiling alongside various death merchant luminaries. ‘Course, nobody is as deeply, majestically, fucked as her “boyfriend,” Paul Erickson, whose life looks like an Olympic-sized swimming pool full of raw sewage and razor blades right now. I picture Paulie stumbling around back allies in a daze…suddenly the orchestra kicks in out of nowhere, and he begins to sing:

Maria!
They’ve just jailed a girl named Maria!
And now I know just why
A hot young Russian spy
Fucked meeeeeeeee!

Maria!
Say it loud as she climbs aboard you!
Say it soft so she cannot record you!

Maria!

I’ll never stop regretting

Mariaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Individual 1, Jr., revealed that his sociopath father, who has billions of dollars, doesn’t buy his own son and namesake presents, but simply passes on all the monogrammed crap he doesn’t want, including even stuff Junior himself gave him. If he wasn’t out there spreading lies and hate all the damn time, I could almost bring myself to feel a little sorry for the twerp, growing up in the shadow of that cheap, sad, bastard, utterly incapable of affection of any kind. But, since he’s always tweeting out super-racist shit, fuck him with a rake.

Presumably because they didn’t get Stephen Miller anything else for Xmas, and he hasn’t hurt any new minority groups in a while, the Turdworm Administration is moving to deport a bunch of Vietnamese refugees, many of whom have lived in this country for decades, and even aided the United States in the Vietnam War. Obviously, this is senseless and reprehensible, but –

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk (Popping up unexpectedly from behind the Abject Horror Desk): Hey Cap, don’t mean to interrupt, but if you think that’s a truly revolting example of human cruelty, did you hear about the ICE sting operation that weaponized familial love to draw immigrants out of hiding in order to arrest them?

Cap: I…holy shit, Bill, I didn’t even know you were in today. That’s fucking horrifying.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: You thought “concentration camps for children” was the absolute bottom, didn’tcha? CHUMP.

…fucking hell…moving on…

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk (Running away): Oh, and a little girl died of dehydration in Border Patrol custody! Bye!

Queen Melania actually went on TV to gripe about how hard her life is while all this genuinely monstrous shit was going down, so fuck her, too.

Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Dumbfuckistan) may not believe in climate change, but when it comes to using his post to self-enrich, he’s got the faith of a zealot. Yes, one of the rad things about being a lawmaker is, you can push for a massive increase in military spending one day, then turn around and buy stock in defense contractors the next! Something something drain the swamp!

You guys, I don’t think Marco Rubio knows he’s a Senator. He’s stumbling around, bellowing about the tax law he voted for, because it’s benefiting corporations at the expense of hard-working Americans, or, to put it another way, for DOING PRECISELY WHAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY DESIGNED IT TO DO. It’s like yelling at a sandwich for holding lunchmeat and condiments between two slices of bread. How does a man this dumb put on pants without falling over?

A former Apprentice employee says Fat Q*Bert used to snort Adderall on the set, and lech on teenage beauty pageant contestants. And okay, it’s totally unsubstantiated, literally a bit from a stand-up comic’s routine. But not one person anywhere on Earth went “Oh no, that’s just not possible.” Now, if you saw a an article claiming “Donald Trump dives into ice-cold river to rescue drowning puppy,” you’d say BULLSHIT out loud. Even if you were in a library. Or the Vatican.

Desperate for attention, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting sat down with Fux Nooz for a softball interview, only they replaced the softball with a wad of damp Kleenex so as to spare him any hint of actual journalism. He was actually asked, “What do you love about being President?” like a fucking second grader being eased back into school after summer break, and anyhow you know he was lying because he didn’t say “the best part is how it shields you from federal indictment.”

And even in that safest imaginable environment, the fuckhead still managed to tell all those GM workers who are losing their jobs that their life-upending problems don’t really matter.

I spend a fair amount of time on political twitter and there seems to be some controversy as to whether Ted Cruz’s new beard is a shit beard or not. Allow me to clear this up for everyone: the beard is absolutely a shit beard. Among shit beards, it stands out as abnormally shitty. If there were a beard church, Ted Cruz’s shit beard would be excommunicated from it. I’m a Harvard-educated beard-judger*, and I know what the fuck I’m talking about, ‘kay?

And the Fart-huffin’ Fascist announced he’ll be taking a 16-day holiday vacation down to Marm-a-Lago, so he can unwind from the stress of golfing twice a week and not showing up for work until noon. He’ll also be charging the Secret Service seasonal rush pricing on port-a-potties. That’s just smart business, people.

Credit’s due where credit’s due, and the Trump/Ryan/McConnell economy helped the deficit hit a record $204.9 billion in November! That’s a MUCH bigger deficit than that cuck, Barack Obama, had! Hashtag MAGA!

This Xmas season, what do you get for the Shart who has everything? How about YET ANOTHER CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION? Yes, the liberal hacks at the Wall Street Journal report that federal prosecutors are looking into the (humiliatingly under-attended) inaugural committee for fresh new crimez, like buying influence and putting ketchup on all the steaks at the buffet.

If the Uncredible Huck ever holds another press briefing, she’ll spend it whining that the media never covers all the crimes her boss ISN’T accused of committing. “The President never jaywalks, Jim, why doesn’t CNN talk about that?”

In uncharacteristically uplifting news, the U.S. Senate voted to stop helping Saudi Arabia commit genocide in Yemen! Every so often, even the spineless, corrupt, post-Trump version of the GOP can reach across the aisle and do the right thing. Well, except for the 41 Republican Senators that figured, “hey, what’s one dismembered journalist, more or less, among friends? Should we wire the child-starvation funds directly to you account, or would you prefer a hundred duffle bags full of cash?”

Shit, the House even passed a bill that says Congresspervs have to pay sexual harassment settlements out of their own pockets from now on! Yeah, that’s right, up until now, creeps like Blake Farenthold were using your taxpayer dollars to buy their way out of trouble, isn’t that neat? Anyway, baby steps.

So yeah, folks…shit remains decidedly cray. The news had me cackling like a hyena on Adderall today. This runaway train ain’t slowin’ down any time soon. But hey, let me drop one last link, guaranteed to leave you with a smile on your face…

*Ok, it was a mail-order course.

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!


Oh, I think there's enough fresh madness to justify a new post, don't you?

“What I’ll never forget is the sight of him, gazing out with pride upon the bounty he’d provided, like a little kid who’s just made a castle on the lawn out of the dog’s shit.”
https://t.co/OjXfqJjxG4

To every dolt screeching #BoycottGillette:

You understand the market research that goes into an ad like this? They knew they'd lose your business & didn't care. They knew they'd more than make it up for it.

Remember when y’all were so certain the Kaepernick ad would sink Nike?

Don't know if this is real, but I love it. https://t.co/2SJIAqqdMM
Paul Lee Ticks @PaulLeeTicks
BREAKING: Hackers, hack into Walt Disney's Hall of Presidents attraction and reprogram some of the Presidents to make obscene gestures directed toward the Donald Trump animatronic.

(Check out Abe ;)) https://t.co/f6C5fOf7ZB
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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