Sometimes people ask me, “Cap? Is shit still cray?” And that’s a good question. Let me put it this way; there was a nationwide wave of bomb threats today, and by next Wednesday, you won’t remember it at all.

I’m actually writing this from the hospital tonight. Yes, friends, watching videos of Chuck n’ Nancy humiliating the Velveeta Vulgarian right in his own damn office, inducing him to drop bowling balls on his own dick, over and over, as the TV cameras he alone invited into the room broadcast it live for the whole word to see and mock, I laughed so fucking hard I fractured several vertebrae. I’m in a full body cast typing with a dowel rod in my mouth but holy shit it was totally worth it.

Seriously, watching the Manchurian Manchild boil with rage every time Pelosi called him a liar to his face, until Schumer finally baited him into petulantly taking “credit” for a government shutdown, like taking candy not from an unusually stupid and small-handed baby. Biggest self-own since the Spanish Armada.

Also, there was a congressional hearing with the CEO of Google, I guess because the GOP felt it was important to prove to the world that they elect mostly out-of-touch old white dudes who would never allow their comical lack of understanding of how the internet works to interfere with their paranoid delusions and ingrained victimhood complexes.

Steve King seemed particularly upset that when you google “Steve King” you quickly gain access to plentiful information about all of the abominable shit Steve King says and does, which makes him look like some kind of idiot fascist. King then demanded that Google turn over the names and social media profiles of its employees to the government, so he could target and persecute any liberals working there, which is kind of an idiotic, fascist, thing to do, don’tcha think?

At a certain point, America really needs to acknowledge and deal with the reality that the Republican Party has been completely taken over by the runts of the tinfoil hat crowd. We’ve been so focused on getting to know all our awesome new House Dems, we didn’t notice the other team’s freshman class includes a bonafide anti-vax doctor! He gets to write laws for the rest of us, isn’t that fun?

And a member of the city council San Juan Capistrano, California, actually started belching up QAnon garbage on the council floor. Qnatics in government, how cool is THAT? I keep telling y’all that this is Hell, don’t I?

Don’t believe me? Would Matt Bevin, who made headlines today by attacking a Pulitzer-winning media outlet by posting an unhinged, fact-free rant from the Daily Fucking Caller, be the Governor of a whole goddamn state if this wasn’t Hell? I think not.

Hey, wanna hear a joke? Sarah Huckleberry Slanders, asked about her legacy, said she hoped people would remember her as “transparent and honest,” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHH! Good one, right?

Hairpiece Himmler said the people would “revolt” should he be impeached for his many crimes, a sneering threat from a cheap thug. Part of me is of course terrified of the possibility that this selfish, soulless, shitweasel may very well order his followers to start a second Civil War just to save himself from the consequences of his actions, but part of me is sort of curious to see what would happen in a war where all the dumbest people in the country were on one side. I bet we could win just by throwing a tarp over the Grand Canyon and tricking them into charging at us on the other side.

Well, Mean Mike Cohen has been sentenced, and it looks like he’ll be putting off that run for NYC Mayor for at least three years! Shart Garfunkel is frantically playing Pin the Blame on the Fixer, but the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is already signaling a willingness to sing like a canary in an open hearing before Congress, so I don’t think tweets are gonna fix this one, old man.

Shit, even the publisher of the National Enquirer, David Pecker, has confessed to colluding with the Tangelo Taint Tumor to illegally pay off one of the women the future President was cheating on his wife with, and this seems like as good a time as any to point out that his electoral base is made up largely of so-called evangelical “Christians” who sincerely believe they are the only moral people in the world.

Shartboy’s attempts to claim he didn’t do anything illegal here ran into a higher-than-his-stupid-border-wall-will-ever-be speed bump when we found out he was actually in the room with Cohen and Pecker when the dirty deed was discussed. Yes, Donnie Dotard was the third man, and that means Robert Mueller is Trevor Howard and I guess America is in the Joe Cotten role.

Speaking of Trumpal-associates-turned-state’s-evidence, have you noticed this weird need in the right wing fucknutosphere to paint Mike Flynn as some sort of martyr to the Church of Trump? Little Red Riding Flynn, who was just trying to take a basket full of refugee clerics over to Grandma Erdogan’s house, when Big Bad Bob tricked him into lying to the FBI?

Kids, do y’all understand on any level that Mike Flynn has spent the last year of his life rolling over on other Trumpworld scumbags? That in order to keep himself and his dirtbag son out of prison, he met with the Mueller investigation nineteen times? He is a one man stool pigeon flock, little MAGAfolk, and he has done your boy no favors.

The moral of the story is, it’s tough to hang onto your friends when they’re also your co-conspirators in federal crimes, especially when you’ve made yourself the center of the entire motherfucking planet’s attention.

The Chief of Staff hunt is proceeding so well, Dorito Mussolini had to temporarily un-fire John Kelly for a few days because he can’t find a replacement. It isn’t embarrassing at all when a third-rate back-bencher like Rick Santorum turns down what was once one the most coveted jobs in politics on live television. Not even a little. Really.

Now the word is, he might hire his incompetent, yappy-dog-voiced, son-in-law for the gig. Jar-Jar’s playing hardball in the negotiations, though, demanding a cotton candy machine at his desk, plus twice-daily recess. We’ll see what happens.

Hey, I guess Ann Coulter is racist, who knew?

Kind of a slow news week, actually. I mean, there was that one thing where a Russian spy pleaded guilty to a conspiracy to infiltrate the National Rifle Association at the behest of the Russian government in order to gain influence over the Republican Party. Oh, and Def Leppard got into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Seriously though, the anti-gun-control crowd is experiencing a mass loss of sphincter control at this news; I’m sure you’ve seen all the photos of Maria Butina smiling alongside various death merchant luminaries. ‘Course, nobody is as deeply, majestically, fucked as her “boyfriend,” Paul Erickson, whose life looks like an Olympic-sized swimming pool full of raw sewage and razor blades right now. I picture Paulie stumbling around back allies in a daze…suddenly the orchestra kicks in out of nowhere, and he begins to sing:

Maria!
They’ve just jailed a girl named Maria!
And now I know just why
A hot young Russian spy
Fucked meeeeeeeee!

Maria!
Say it loud as she climbs aboard you!
Say it soft so she cannot record you!

Maria!

I’ll never stop regretting

Mariaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Individual 1, Jr., revealed that his sociopath father, who has billions of dollars, doesn’t buy his own son and namesake presents, but simply passes on all the monogrammed crap he doesn’t want, including even stuff Junior himself gave him. If he wasn’t out there spreading lies and hate all the damn time, I could almost bring myself to feel a little sorry for the twerp, growing up in the shadow of that cheap, sad, bastard, utterly incapable of affection of any kind. But, since he’s always tweeting out super-racist shit, fuck him with a rake.

Presumably because they didn’t get Stephen Miller anything else for Xmas, and he hasn’t hurt any new minority groups in a while, the Turdworm Administration is moving to deport a bunch of Vietnamese refugees, many of whom have lived in this country for decades, and even aided the United States in the Vietnam War. Obviously, this is senseless and reprehensible, but –

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk (Popping up unexpectedly from behind the Abject Horror Desk): Hey Cap, don’t mean to interrupt, but if you think that’s a truly revolting example of human cruelty, did you hear about the ICE sting operation that weaponized familial love to draw immigrants out of hiding in order to arrest them?

Cap: I…holy shit, Bill, I didn’t even know you were in today. That’s fucking horrifying.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: You thought “concentration camps for children” was the absolute bottom, didn’tcha? CHUMP.

…fucking hell…moving on…

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk (Running away): Oh, and a little girl died of dehydration in Border Patrol custody! Bye!

Queen Melania actually went on TV to gripe about how hard her life is while all this genuinely monstrous shit was going down, so fuck her, too.

Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Dumbfuckistan) may not believe in climate change, but when it comes to using his post to self-enrich, he’s got the faith of a zealot. Yes, one of the rad things about being a lawmaker is, you can push for a massive increase in military spending one day, then turn around and buy stock in defense contractors the next! Something something drain the swamp!

You guys, I don’t think Marco Rubio knows he’s a Senator. He’s stumbling around, bellowing about the tax law he voted for, because it’s benefiting corporations at the expense of hard-working Americans, or, to put it another way, for DOING PRECISELY WHAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY DESIGNED IT TO DO. It’s like yelling at a sandwich for holding lunchmeat and condiments between two slices of bread. How does a man this dumb put on pants without falling over?

A former Apprentice employee says Fat Q*Bert used to snort Adderall on the set, and lech on teenage beauty pageant contestants. And okay, it’s totally unsubstantiated, literally a bit from a stand-up comic’s routine. But not one person anywhere on Earth went “Oh no, that’s just not possible.” Now, if you saw a an article claiming “Donald Trump dives into ice-cold river to rescue drowning puppy,” you’d say BULLSHIT out loud. Even if you were in a library. Or the Vatican.

Desperate for attention, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting sat down with Fux Nooz for a softball interview, only they replaced the softball with a wad of damp Kleenex so as to spare him any hint of actual journalism. He was actually asked, “What do you love about being President?” like a fucking second grader being eased back into school after summer break, and anyhow you know he was lying because he didn’t say “the best part is how it shields you from federal indictment.”

And even in that safest imaginable environment, the fuckhead still managed to tell all those GM workers who are losing their jobs that their life-upending problems don’t really matter.

I spend a fair amount of time on political twitter and there seems to be some controversy as to whether Ted Cruz’s new beard is a shit beard or not. Allow me to clear this up for everyone: the beard is absolutely a shit beard. Among shit beards, it stands out as abnormally shitty. If there were a beard church, Ted Cruz’s shit beard would be excommunicated from it. I’m a Harvard-educated beard-judger*, and I know what the fuck I’m talking about, ‘kay?

And the Fart-huffin’ Fascist announced he’ll be taking a 16-day holiday vacation down to Marm-a-Lago, so he can unwind from the stress of golfing twice a week and not showing up for work until noon. He’ll also be charging the Secret Service seasonal rush pricing on port-a-potties. That’s just smart business, people.

Credit’s due where credit’s due, and the Trump/Ryan/McConnell economy helped the deficit hit a record $204.9 billion in November! That’s a MUCH bigger deficit than that cuck, Barack Obama, had! Hashtag MAGA!

This Xmas season, what do you get for the Shart who has everything? How about YET ANOTHER CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION? Yes, the liberal hacks at the Wall Street Journal report that federal prosecutors are looking into the (humiliatingly under-attended) inaugural committee for fresh new crimez, like buying influence and putting ketchup on all the steaks at the buffet.

If the Uncredible Huck ever holds another press briefing, she’ll spend it whining that the media never covers all the crimes her boss ISN’T accused of committing. “The President never jaywalks, Jim, why doesn’t CNN talk about that?”

In uncharacteristically uplifting news, the U.S. Senate voted to stop helping Saudi Arabia commit genocide in Yemen! Every so often, even the spineless, corrupt, post-Trump version of the GOP can reach across the aisle and do the right thing. Well, except for the 41 Republican Senators that figured, “hey, what’s one dismembered journalist, more or less, among friends? Should we wire the child-starvation funds directly to you account, or would you prefer a hundred duffle bags full of cash?”

Shit, the House even passed a bill that says Congresspervs have to pay sexual harassment settlements out of their own pockets from now on! Yeah, that’s right, up until now, creeps like Blake Farenthold were using your taxpayer dollars to buy their way out of trouble, isn’t that neat? Anyway, baby steps.

So yeah, folks…shit remains decidedly cray. The news had me cackling like a hyena on Adderall today. This runaway train ain’t slowin’ down any time soon. But hey, let me drop one last link, guaranteed to leave you with a smile on your face…

*Ok, it was a mail-order course.