Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Paul Manafort and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Special Counsel Investigation
Holy SHIT, Resisters! I last checked in two short nights ago, and I can’t fucking BELIEVE the insanity that’s gone down since then. Let’s jump right in, ‘ere my brain runs screaming from my very skull.
Well, the Man with Phalangeal Stunting stood in front of the whole dang United Nations to do some Stephen Miller karaoke. No, not that Steve Miller, this one.
He shot his fool mouth off about “America first,” (seriously, has nobody told him where that one came from yet?) and how he was gonna skullfuck North Korea if they don’t tell him he has large, manly fingers and golfs really well. The speech was pretty much a hyperactive 3rd-grader imitating a Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, heaven help us all.
Smallhands Magoo is seriously SO proud of his “Rocket Man” nickname, you guys. To be fair, it probably ranks as one of the top ten accomplishments of his presidency to date.
Because irony died several weeks ago, Melania gave a little speech of her own at the U.N., focusing on how bullying is bad. Her husband was unable to attend, as he was busy pushing the South Korean ambassador into the women’s restroom.
So, the Department of Heath and Human services commissioned a study on the economic impact of refugees, and what they found was that refugees generated $63 billion dollars more in government revenue than they cost. But see, that’s a problem for an administration that runs on stoking the fears of the inadequate and easily frightened. So what they did was, they ordered HHS to “amend” the report.
And by “amend,” I mean “remove all references to revenue generated so as to make it look like refugees are a drain on public resources even though your study found the exact opposite and also if you can throw in some stuff about how they kick puppies and rape a whole bunch of white ladies, that’d be swell.”
The Failing New York Times reports this is the work of Stephen Miller, who I guess thinks once he pushes all the non-white folks out of the country, the remaining (white) women will flock to the beacon of his shiny forehead, and one of them will finally, FINALLY touch his minuscule, tortured, dust-encrusted weenie.
Dorito Mussolini’s personal attorney, Michael “Sez Who” Cohen, violated his agreement with the Senate Intelligence Committee by releasing a public statement before what was scheduled to be a closed-door hearing, and will now likely be subpoenaed to testify publicly and under oath. Smart lad.
Dana Roharabacher is reportedly 31 flavors of pissed that his attempts to broker a pardon for serial leaker Julian Assange got…leaked, because I was totally not kidding about that death of irony thing. Personally, I think Tom Clancy should collaborate with Will Ferrell to tell Dana’s story; the tale of a bumbling dipshit clumsily attempting treason, while struggling to get dressed without inflicting serious self-harm.
Well, the Senate GOP swallowed a bunch of bath salts and decided to take one last stab at fucking up millions of American lives on the behalf of their paymasters, because Mamma and Daddy Koch have taken to sending them to bed without dark money.
Somehow, they’ve settled on their worst bill yet…Graham-Cassidy which rolls back protections, cuts massive amounts of funding, and, in a bit of evil so brazen as to be nearly hilarious, literally steals billions of dollars from blue states to give to red states.
This is seriously how Republicans govern now. They just take things from people who vote for Democrats and give them to people who vote for Republicans. Right now Ben Sasse is drafting legislation to force me to give my George Foreman grill, my shampoo, and my copy of Avengers Annual #10 (look it up) to Seb Gorka.
Anyway, Vox asked a bunch of Republican Senators to explain what their bill does and how it’s better than the ACA. Their answers were…not encouraging. Most of them insisted that states have some sort of nondescript magical powers that will enable them to provide better coverage despite massive cuts in funding because…reasons. Pat Roberts babbled about Thelma & Louise, because Kansas doesn’t require their Senators to demonstrate the intellectual capacity of a throw pillow before they send ’em to Washington. (For the record, Pat, ALIEN is probably the better Ridley Scott movie to represent this shit bill – a roving, soulless murderer picking us off, one by one.)
And Chuck Grassley, in an uncharacteristic spurt of honesty, just flat out said Hey, We Said We’d Repeal Obamacare, and This is What We’ve Got Left That Repeals Obamacare.
You guys, Chuck Grassley has been in Washington too long. When folks ask you, “Why are you voting for a bill that will hurt millions of Americans,” and your response is, “Because politics,” you need to pack up and go home. Go home, and spend some time figuring out exactly where, when, and how you turned into the sort of human being who would say something like that.
“Why kill thousands and hurt millions? Well, because I lied myself into a corner, and I’d rather harm a bunch of strangers than admit I was wrong.”
Because there’s no way to shine up the turd of what the bill actually does, the only selling point the GOP has left is that it repeals/replaces Obamacare.
Granted, with something much much worse, but still…no more Obamacare! Like, the next attempt’ll replace the ACA with a bill that hires gangs of surly teenagers to break into retirement homes and kidney-punch the elderly, but Ron Johnson will pop up on Fux Gnus to blather about how at least it’s not socialism.
Opposition to the bill in damn near universal. Doctors groups, patients groups, even insurance companies. The AMA goes so far as to say it runs afoul of the “First, do no harm” clause of the Hippocratic Goddamn Oath.
That’s right. The fucking AMA says THIS BILL DOES HARM, YOU SHITBAGS, and we have to sit on the edge of our seats for a week wondering what Lisa Murkowski will do. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Basically the nobody supports this bill except 2 Koch brothers, 40-some GOP Senators, and maybe The Nothing from The Neverending Story.
And as if that wasn’t bad enough for Team Pachyderm, Jimmy Kimmel rode into town on a white horse named Go Fuck Yourself Bill Cassidy and called him out for being a lying sack of Koch-sponsored monkey shit. Weird how “Please don’t kill my child because he has a pre-existing condition” became partisan.
Moving on. So this shitty white dude murders a couple of black men. Police discover he has actual speeches by Adolf Hitler in his apartment. And yet in the media he’s a Clean Cut All American Honor Student Eagle Scout Apple Pie Bakin’ Kid who somehow ENDED THE LIVES OF TWO HUMAN BEINGS BECAUSE HE’S RACIST TRASH while Tamir Rice basically looked like the Incredible Hulk on a crack bender at 12 years old.
Anyhow, we’re a totally post-racial nation, right?
Hey, didja see where Rob Reiner and David Frum are launching a bipartisan group to spread information about all the Russian election-meddling/general fuckery? It’s a pretty cool team, including folks like James Clapper, Max Boot, Charlie Sykes, Norman Ornstein, and the ghosts of Toshiro Mifune and James Coburn. Rumor has it that Reiner and Boot are arguing over which one gets to be the “demolitions expert,” but once that issue gets settled, I expect great things!
And look, the Republican Governor’s Association launched their very own propaganda news site, isn’t that neat? Who DOESN’T want their leaders to filter information for them, removing all that pesky accountability?
The Daily Beast clued us in on how Russian-operated social media sites organized Pro-Shart and Anti-Clinton rallies during the election. Gotta hand it to the Fox/Talk Radio/Breitbart crowd; they’ve manufactured quite the pliable little army of rubes, haven’t they? Just the tiniest nudge and they start shooting up pizza restaurants. (No wonder Chucky Cheese is phasing out the animatronics.)
And the Velveeta Urinal Cake seems to be paying his (ever-mounting) lawyer’s fees with…donor money! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! That’s right, Rubes! Your MAGA hat $$$$ goes straight into the pockets of the idiot lawyers who babble private business in restaurants where reporters hang out. You’re not so much deplorable as endlessly dupable.
By the way, you dumbfuck marks, just to rub your nose in how completely he owns you, he’s even paying his shitty fuckhead kid’s legal bills out of your donations. Keep sending checks, they’re gonna need ’em! Is it fun to be used by a rich jag who wouldn’t care if you lived or died?
Now, the Spraytan Con Man has promised he’d never apologize for America, but that was before the Turkish Prime Minister’s bodyguards kicked the crap out of some protesters. Now, your average, run-of-the-mill American President would side with his own citizens over the thugs who assaulted them, but not the Candycorn Skidmark! No, he apologized to Erdogan for all the inconvenience. America First…ish!
Word is Bob Mueller’s probe is investigating 11 years worth of Paul Manafort’s financial skullduggery, (Doesn’t “Eleven Years of Manafort” sound like an unusually-slow-moving Merchant/Ivory film?) so I imaging Paulie’s Adult Depends budget is…substantial.
In a bit of fun trolling, Mueller’s point guy for communications with the Shart House actually worked on Watergate! I dunno much about the guy, but when the time comes, I’m sure as shit buying his book.
HHS Secretary Tom Price is such a dedicated fiscal conservative that he’s taking up to five private jet flights PER WEEK! Mingling with the commoners is soooooo depressing, right, T? Why fly coach when you can burn through taxpayer dollars like so much flash paper as a Capo in the most corrupt regime in American history, amiright?
Not wanting to be outdone, EPA head Scott Pruitt, who has done plenty of his own shady traveling, has fallen into the habit of conscripting environmental crimes investigators from across the country to serve as his personal security detail.
Can you fucking imagine? It’s like Jeff Sessions pulling U.S. Attorneys off their cases to protect him (and his stash of delicious sandwich cookies) while he slept.
I swear, it’s a competition between these crooked fucks to see who can waste the most taxpayers dollars without facing consequences. Within three weeks, Betsy DeVos will be borne from meeting to meeting in a gilded carriage drawn by twelve white tigers.
Anyway, you’ll be please to know your President’s attention is laser-focused on the issues that matter most: EMMY RATINGS! Yep. SHARTUS might not have time to learn what his party’s health care legislation does, but gloating about an awards show’s viewership? Don the Con is on it like flies on shit.
And while the Spicest of all Possible Seans can get a cuddly little redemption party at the Emmys (Hey Emmys: Fuck you for that.), what he CAN’T get is a JOB. Yeah, all the networks declined to hire the guy who’s best known for awkward, blatant lying as a pundit. He’s like Jeffrey Lord with less credibility and less interesting hair.
The American tourism industry got a 2.7 billion dollar “Trump Bump” in the wrong direction, isn’t that neat? Who’da thunk that steadfastly shitting on the rest of the world would have actual consequences? (Literally everyone raises their hand.)
Speaking of international relations, the Marmalade Shartcannon gave some remarks to African leaders at the U.N. today, about how happy they should be about all his shitty carpetbagging buddies steamrolling into town to take advantage of them! He also talked about the nation of “Nambia,” which of course does not exist, because we are governed by a man who can’t be bothered by such petty details as Which Countries Are Real and Which Are Just in Comic Books.
‘Member the Google Memo guy? The “Somebody’s gotta say it – Broads Can’t Code” guy? Well, in his bid to be named the Patron Saint of Hot Takes, he babbled some nonsense about how maybe the Klan is bad, but ya gotta admit that being called a Grand Wizard is totes rad, and if you don’t, it’s your fault that white supremacists are killing people. Or something. This is the kind of dude who smokes a bunch of cheap weed and plays Matchbox 20 records backwards.
NYT tells us that Rugged Robert Mueller is now gathering all sort of docs related to Il Douche’s actions as President, from his firing of Comey to his pudding-headed attempt to cover up Junior’s Golly-I-Just-Can’t-Wait-to-Collaborate meeting. Shower Cap was unavailable for comment, because he was busy giggling like a hyena on a sugar high.
And just as I’m being crushed beneath the weight of an unusually heapin’ helpin’ of madness, even by Drumpf-era standards (and that, my friends, is a fuckton of madness), WaPo drops their latest Manafort bomb.
Seems Paulie Ukraine, while serving as Chairman of Shartboy’s campaign, sent out a little email offering private briefings on the state of the campaign to a Russian oligarch closely allied with Uncle Vlad.
Fuck, y’all. I don’t know much, but I bet you George Pataki’s campaign manager wasn’t offering Putin Pals private campaign briefings.
This is TWO DAYS WORTH of news, folks. About 45 hours, really. Nuttier than the whole damn Chester Arthur administration, I bet. (You watch, I’ll get Arthur historians in the comments now.)
I need a drink. Luckily, I have a drink. Guess what happens now.