Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Markets are Crashing & the Coronavirus is Spreading, But If That’s What it Takes to Quarantine Ted Cruz…
Everybody’s panic-purchasing hand sanitizer and canned goods and toilet paper, I just want to be the calming voice of reason in your life, reminding you to stock up on plenty of beer, cuz who wants to ride out a quarantine sober? My own personal emergency bunker is lined with a fine collection of IPAs pilsners, and lagers, and even a few artsty-fartsy small batch brews with raisins n’ cedar chips n’ shit…I should probably put some food in there. Anyway, let’s do the news, huh?
The Failing New York Times published a fun/horrifying little deep dive into All-Time Bottom 10 American Erik Prince’s efforts to aid the weaselly little assclowns over at Project Veritas by recruiting actual spies to infiltrate teachers’ unions and Democratic congressional campaigns and such. I’m choosing to take comfort in the fact that, Bond-villain-sinister as all this crap is, Prince’s operatives keep getting caught (which is of course how we’ve got a whole dang NYT article about ‘em), and also that they weren’t able to stop megatough freshman House Dem Abigail Spanberger from resting her shitkickin’ boots right on Eric Cantor’s old desk, so enjoy your little games, I guess, Captain Failspy.
Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo, who surely has a light schedule these days in his job as (squints) Secretary of State during an international pandemic, found time to share a jaunty little troll post on social media, poking fun at Elizabeth Warren’s famous “pinky swear” phenomenon, after she officially pulled out of the presidential primary. I get that “triggering th’libs” is pretty much all Republicans live for these days, but do they really not understand that what they’re “triggering” us into doing is donating, organizing, and ultimately, voting? It wasn’t so long ago they triggered themselves right out of their House majority, and if they’re so determined to refuse to learn this rather obvious lesson, well, I’m not in any hurry to hire ‘em a tutor, y’know?
Donnie Dotard’s favorite Scrotal Remora in that diminished caucus, Matt Gaetz, had similar trollish thoughts, it seems, posing for pictures in a gas mask right on the House floor HAW HAW HAW, and the coronavirus was apparently so triggered it killed one of Matt’s constituents a few days later. Yes, competition for the coveted Dumbest Man in Congress title is tighter than ever; long-time champ Louie Gohmert tends to let his day-to-day idiocy speak for itself, but you have to appreciate the lengths Gaetz goes to in his quest to draw attention to his roughly-equivalent-to-that-of-a-mozzarella-stick IQ.
…more on Matty G in a minute.
We don’t have enough shit on our plates this week, we’ve also gotta deal with Jim “Who Would Jesus Rob” Bakker, looking to capitalize on his rube viewers’ fears by selling ’em a fake coronavirus cure. While it’s certainly tempting to leave anyone fucking dumb enough to buy snake oil off a known felon to their fates, they’re just gonna wander into our grocery stores and stick their thumbs in the ranch dressing on the salad bar anyway, so in the end, we’ll all have to pay for their moronic choices, AS USUAL.
And yes, the coronavirus keeps on spreading, like apple butter on an English muffin that one year in college when I was really into English muffins with apple butter, enabled by our Idiot Manchild President, who continues to believe the problem will simply disappear if he just keeps shoving his head further and further up his own ass. Keep on moving, past the Big-Mac-residue-lined walls of the small intestine, Fuckhead, the answers are there someplace.
It seems a coronavirus carrier came into contact with some of the
grand wizards leading lights of the modern conservative movement at CPAC, where diseased souls, rather than bodies, are the norm. So now we’ve got a real Arkham Asylum roll call of right wing poosquirts self-quarantining: Ted Cruz, Doug Collins, Paul Gosar (whose stir-craziness descended into out-and-out hallucinatory madness almost immediately), and yes, Malignant Matt Gaetz himself, hope you saved the receipt on that gas mask, bro. Since the exposure, we’ve seen Collins shaking his Turd Emperor’s hand, while Gaetz travelled with the doddering old bastard by both car and airplane. Gosh, that’s a real shame.
Word is, the rapidly-expanding outbreak has the Germaphobic Jerkoff melting down even more than usual, which is kinda like a tiny-fingered, narcissistic, volcano erupting in the middle of Chernobyl. Apparently, this unhinged loon sincerely believes journalists are intentionally infecting themselves with the coronavirus in order to then pass it onto him on Turd Force One. Hey, maybe a deranged dolt who views the press as bioweapon-wielding suicide bombers isn’t the best fellah to lead the nation during this crisis, just tossing that out there.
Also, the Treasonweasel Administration actually tried to overrule health officials who wanted to warn elderly Americans to avoid flying, since we know the virus is much more deadly for senior citizens. Folks, JAWS has been out for 45 years, and we’re still repeating Mayor Vaughn’s mistakes. When this is all over, we should gather all the victims of this moron’s ego, all the senseless, preventable, deaths sacrificed in the name of his fucking approval ratings, bury them together, build a house on top of the graveyard, and force the Trump family to live in that house forever.
The Surgeon General (I confess I didn’t know we even had one, I assumed this was just one more post filled with some “acting” dickhead Il Douche discovered shilling doomsday prep kits during the commercials on Hannity) tells us the virus is contained (it isn’t), and Dr. Ben Carson’s out there insisting there’s a secret plan to fight the disease but he can’t tell us about it because we don’t know the secret handshake. If our government put half as much effort into solving the problem as denying it exists, we might be someplace, but 80,000 Rust Belt voters decided competence was for cucks, so here we are.
Well, I’m sure it’s all ultimately much ado about very little. Hey, I see Italy is closed. Yeah, Italy. The country. It’s closed. They flipped the sign around and everything. Don’t worry, there’s probably another sovereign nation twenty miles down the highway with a pool and better porn. Anyway, the coronavirus is a hoax.
A new scientific study reveals that the surest visible identifier of a micropenis is a mediocre white dude yelling DEBATE MEEEEEEEE on television and/or the internet. I bring this up for no particular reason, why do you – oh, Don Junior said what now? Huh. You don’t say.
The one field where Dorito Mussolini, incompetent at everything else, from international trade to picking out pants that fit, truly excels is taint-punting the stock market, and he’s wearin’ steel-toed boots lately. The Dow fell 2,000 points, more than 7%, the biggest fiscal jackhammer-to-the-nutsack since 2008. Maybe the Shart of the Deal can use them negotiating skills of his of his to get his two besties, MBS and Uncle Vlad, to call off their little petroleum slapfight? LOL just kidding, we all know we’re talking about a guy who could find a way to bankrupt an ice cream cart in the Gobi Desert.
If you’re looking for a little good news to wrap yourself in, to keep warm inside that fallout shelter you started digging over the weekend, our chances of recapturing the U.S. Senate took a giant leap in the right direction with the official entry of Montana Governor Steve Bullock into the race to challenge Republican incumbent/general doo-doohead Steve Daines! STEVEBOWL 2020 IS ON, MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAAS!!!
Flip the Senate. Flip Mitch McConnell over on his shitty little turtle back. Watch him flail while we undo his life’s work. Smile. That’s the whole plan.
Ok, folks, take care of yourselves out there. Wash your goddamn hands. Wash your face. Basically, wash everything that comes within six feet of ya. Dogs, cats, delivery drivers…be aggressively hygienic. Sanitize strangers. (This is terrible advice, and I will not be held responsible for anyone who takes it.) Until we meet again…