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Mississippi Republican Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith appears to joke that making it harder for students to vote is a "great idea" https://t.co/13iX2uSeEl https://t.co/ijvWfnqtnq

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Maybe Instead of Preening “Correspondents,” We Should Have Some Fucking JOURNALISTS.

Monday, April 30th, 2018

Hey there, Shower Captives! I’m in like, Day 10 of the cold I picked up while moving, and I don’t even have a personal Ronny Jackson to use my illness as an excuse to hook me up with hallucinogens, so I’m mostly just cranky.

…maybe the news will cheer me up.

Boy, we keep finding new ways to miss Obama, don’t we? There was a man who knew how to be President! He respected our allies, he upheld our institutions, he didn’t stock the federal government with petty crooks desperate to loot the country down to the lint in the sock drawers. And oh yeah, he never blurted out the kind of embarrassing garbage that makes you stop taking your racist grandpa out to dinner.

Not so with the current guy! No, the Velveeta Vulgarian can’t help himself, he has to belch up up some shit about how “tough to watch” the Paralympics are. Uuuuuuuugh, wait in the car, Grandpa! You know what’s tough to watch, you gurgling ostomy bag? Your empty, vapid, stare coming from behind the Resolute desk. I don’t know how I manage to keep any food down at all.

The NRA is sorting through documents in preparation for an expected investigation into their relationship with sanctioned Russian government official Alexander Torshin. Of COURSE the Russians invest in the National Scrotumlicking Rifle Association! “Americans support an organization that facilitates the deaths of other Americans on a massive scale? Dmitri, what have we done to deserve such luck?”

And to the surprise of no one whose brain isn’t currently being deprived of oxygen by a too-tight made-in-Gina red baseball cap, the lawyer who offered Anus Cancer, Jr. a couple of e-mails and half a tube of Hostess powdered donuts to betray his country did indeed turn out to be a Kremlin-connected Russian “informant.” Good lord, it’s like dropping an Owen Wilson character into the middle of an Ian Fleming novel.

Well, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his team of Collaborating, America-hating, GOP CongressFucks released their bullshit “report” dutifully clearing Boss Treasonweasel of all wrongdoing. “We found no evidence of collusion with the Russians, even after months of strenuously avoiding talking to anyone or looking into anything that might actually be relevant to our investigation,” reads the report, “I don’t think you understand how hard that is. You really have to commit to burying your head in the sand. Fuck, the President confesses to a new crime on Twitter practically every week. Poor Tom Rooney stuffed a wad of cotton so far up his ear he can’t get it out!”

Looks like Dr. Ronny Jackson will not only not be the next Secretary of Veterans Affairs, he will also not be the President’s Official Doctor and Weight Liar-Abouter anymore. It would probably be good if the dude nicknamed “Candyman” were also stripped of prescription-writing powers. Actually, Dr. Ronny seems to have a whole lotta changes he needs to make.

Meanwhile, the Candycorn Skidmark has chosen to use the whole sordid episode to go after Montana Senator Jon Tester for having the temerity to actually carry out his constitutionally mandated oversight duties. I’m sure Tester’s quaking in his boots at the prospect of facing off against the dude who lost the Alabama Senate race…twice.

Not so very long ago, Shart Garfunkel and French President Emmanuel Macron planted a tree on the White House lawn, promising to nurture it with the waters of friendship and the fertilizer of dandruff. But now it is gone. No doubt, Littlefinger had it relocated to the bathroom in the Executive Residence, where he can pee on it while sobbing “why don’t they love me the way they love you, you handsome bastaaaaaaaard?!?!”

I feel like Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot has already thrown six or seven victory parties for himself over North Korea. One of the first rules of negotiation is, after all, “Demand credit before you’ve accomplished anything,” and the Shart of the Deal far prefers basking in praise to earning it.

Look folks. All indications are, the North Koreans’ nuclear test site was damaged, and they’re playing up their misfortune as a magnanimous gesture to “suspend testing” mostly to feed a certain easily-manipulated narcissist’s fragile ego. And, because self-awareness seems to be for CUCKS, it’s totally working.

And now the spittle-drenched maniacs in Cult45 want to give their Fetid Custard Idol the goddamn Nobel Peace Prize! I’ll offer up this compromise: if you wanna add a Nobel for duping rubes, Orange Julius Caesar can have it. For life. It’s his one true talent. Not sure the guy who dropped the Mother of All Bombs solely to stimulate his withered old man junk deserves to be hailed as a peacemaker.

I see the murderous loons at the National Rifle Association have banned guns from their convention while Dorito Mussolini and Mike Pants speak. DON’T YOU WANT THE PRESIDENT AND HIS CREEPY LITTLE CULTIST BUDDY TO BE SAFE, NRA? I WAS TOLD ONLY THE PRESENCE OF FUCKTONS OF GUNS CAN PROTECT ANYONE.

Folks, we’ve been through a lot since November, 2016. It’s been one bowling ball after another, propelled via howitzer, directly into our collective crotch. In spite of the unrelenting assaults, we’ve managed to hang tough. To fight back. To persist.

But I worry we’ve finally reached the end of our rope.

For you see, on Saturday night, at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner…and this is hard to even type…a comedian…TOLD A JOKE.

And judging from the D.C. press’ reaction, this is the worst thing to happen in all of human history and we can probably sweep Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons up in there, too. Michelle Wolf called Sarah Huckabee Sanders a liar, which seems fair on account of the unusually large number of lies she tells, but because Wolf also said “eye shadow,” her joke magically became more offensive than all the families ripped apart by ICE wrapped in all the victims of white supremacist violence inspired by our Garbage Grand Wizard Grifter in Chief. Because…priorities.

Stockholm Syndrome is real, and gaslighting works, because the White House press corps circled the wagons around the woman who does everything in her power, day in and day out, to destroy them. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like watching a bunch of chickens swarm all over somebody who’s only trying to get rid of the ax.

Folks, Sarah Slanders regularly assaults the very freedom of the American press. She is literally an ENEMY OF FREEDOM. She collects a taxpayer-funded salary to espouse shamefully anti-American ideals. She is not misguided, she is not in over her head, she is a bad person with evil intentions. Once we’ve finally pried our beautiful country out of these petty fascists’ claws, SHS will take her place alongside Joe McCarthy as one of America’s great villains.

Meanwhile, Tangerine Idi Amin held another Klan rally in front of the shittiest people Washington, MI could scrape off the pipes in the local sewage treatment plant. He got a room full of hateful idiots to boo and hiss at the mere mention of the word “Hispanic,” but yeah, Michelle Wolf is the dastardly obstacle to unity.

I see Stormy Daniels filed an oven-fresh defamation lawsuit against President Crotchvoid. All these lawsuits could present a major problem for our notoriously strapped-for-cash President. I bet Stormy winds up putting a lien on the Secret Service’s port-a-parties down at Marm-a-Lago to collect her settlement.

Hey look, Marco Rubio seems to have noticed that the tax bill he voted for hasn’t trickled down to the American worker, except perhaps in the form of the occasional plutocrat derisively pissing on the serf class they strive to own outright like property.

Marco’s all “Holy shit, we gave rich people a shit ton of money, and somehow they didn’t hand it out to those less fortunate out of the goodness of their hearts.” If Rubio were the sort of man who tended towards serious critical thought, this could be the start of a period of reflection leading him to question the fundamental tenets of modern conservatism, but since he’s just an empty shirt with an entirely unearned reputation, he’ll probably just Netflix a couple of Ninja Turtle cartoons and pass out on the sofa.

Rand Paul sold out his super-principled opposition to Mike Pompeo as Secretary of State because the Poo Mistake promised him he’d pull our troops out of Afghanistan. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Oh FUCK, Rand. When it comes to “giving his word,” the President is basically a stale Cheeto in the shape of a monkey’s paw. If, after several decades’ worth of demonstrable dishonesty, you still trust anything that drops out of that goon’s mouth, well…I just hope you’ll give me a call so we can discuss some really fantastic real estate opportunities I’d like to share with you.

Did you skim that WaPo article about how Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet places personal loyalty over silly little things like “qualifications” in filling important executive branch jobs? It’s kind of darkly humorous if can avoid thinking about the real-world consequences. And if you can’t, it’s absolutely fucking terrifying.

That’s just the catch-22 our modern moment deserves, isn’t it? Surely anyone willing to pledge loyalty to such a pathetic blob of projectile insecurity as Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “My father didn’t love me, WILL YOU?”) is totally unworthy to serve in a position of any significant responsibility, buuuuuuuuuuuuut…

The EPA gave Trumpal Buddy Carl Icahn a “financial hardship waiver” from a biofuels law, and I for one am glad we’re finally doing something to address the trials and tribulations of billionaire assholes who would rather be buried in coffins full of money than share anything ever.

Oh, and we learned the Shart Campaign has been paying Michael Cohen’s legal bills, even though everyone’s claimed the Fantabulous Fixer didn’t have anything to do with the campaign! Such philanthropy! And by “philanthropy” I mean “witness-tampering!”

Roy Moore has filed a lawsuit against three of his accusers, for conspiracy to derail his political career by being so enticing as minors that he just couldn’t stop himself from sexually assaulting them. The Judge should bring this to its logical conclusion, and sue his younger self for creepin’ on all those high school girls, maybe we can get a nice Star Trek-style time travel episode next season.

Because the most powerful gathering of people in the world operates like a middle school lunch room, General Kelly’s enemies leaked to the press that Johnny called Donnie an “idiot” behind his back, and also “unhinged” and a “doo-doo head” and a “disgusting freak who wants to fuck his own daughter” and I was holding out hope for “shartcannon,” but I guess my humble blog hasn’t reached the Oval Office…YET.

And President Truck Stop Urinal Cake’s acting ICE director announced his retirement, desiring to spend his remaining time on Earth absorbing as much pleasure and peace as possible, before he’s dragged into the deepest circle of hell for his many crimes. There’s some Inquisition shit waitin’ for you, Fuck-o.

The Failing New York Times got ahold of a list of questions Rugged Robert Mueller allegedly wants to ask Baron Golfin von Fatfuk. There’s some interesting shit here, from pardons to obstruction to one particular question, which would first involve Mueller grabbing the President’s tiny, inadequate, hands, in order to force him to strike himself in his own face, at which point the Special Counsel would demand “Why are you hitting yourself, Donald?”

Fuck it, I can’t take one more minute of this shit. It’s NyQuil time, campers. I’ll see y’all about noon on Wednesday.

Shower Cap

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HAW HAW DEMOCRACY SUXXXXXX https://t.co/UtKfJM4zIm
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CNN Politics @CNNPolitics
Mississippi Republican Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith appears to joke that making it harder for students to vote is a "great idea" https://t.co/13iX2uSeEl https://t.co/ijvWfnqtnq

This is some fucked-up shit. What the fuck is wrong with this woman? https://t.co/Hc8EQgiTsq
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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