Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Maybe Letting the White Supremacists Decide Who Gets to Vote Isn’t the Best Idea
Well, potty-mouthed masked bloggers aren’t quite eligible for vaccination in my neck of the woods yet, so I’m still trapped inside with nothin’ but the news to keep me company. Short version: the racist shitweasels recently removed from power for being racist shitweasels have decided that their best path forward is to simply eliminate any non-racist/non-shitweasel citizens from the pool of eligible voters, so I hope you haven’t put your fascist-stompin’ boots in storage just yet.
Trump Spokesjag/Ruptured Anal Fistula Jason Miller claims his loser boss is looking to start his very own social media platform, which will totally work out better than the casinos and the airline and the university and the charitable foundation and the steaks and the vodka and the denuclearization of the Korean peninsula and the hydroxychloroquine and the rectal bleach injections, promise.
It’s actually gonna be pretty great to just kick back and enjoy watching history’s single least competent human being fail, now that we don’t have to worry about hundreds of thousands of people paying for his malignant bungling with their lives.
Coming in 2022 from Disney+: Marvel’s OILY SCUMFUCK TEAM-UP! Multi-shirt-clad grease can Steve Bannon apparently hopes to ride disgraced sexual torture aficionado Eric Greitens back to political relevance, I guess because Jeffrey Epstein was busy. They’re going to have serious trouble staffing that campaign, since anyone who walks into any room containing those two gurgling fountains of vileness instantaneously develops bubonic plague, irritable bowel syndrome, and leprosy, all at once. There is no mask thick enough.
Five years ago, I would’ve laughed my ass off that anyone would waste good money attempting to rehabilitate a scandal-wrecked trashpile like Greitens, but having lived through the Turd Reich, I understand now that shitty people capable of profoundly immoral acts are precisely the type of folks the seething, grievance-fueled Republican base wants in charge*.
Now that the shiny new Senate Democratic majority has had its first sweet, stimulating taste of accomplishing positive change for the American people, they’ve gone absolutely apeshit over the stuff, aggressively pursuing their ridiculously ambitious and equally popular agenda like a ravenous mob of progress-crazed legislation junkies. Anybody out there still think Biden and Schumer are essentially Diet Republicans? Bueller?
Senate Republicans are right where they deserve to be, the collaborating bastards: sweating under the hot lights, defending the weak-ass excuses they make for their ruthless obstruction of the people’s will. Come to think of it, why DO they oppose all this good, good stuff, which the public clearly wants? Ask one, and they’ll bloviate for hours about their vaguely-defined values, but everyone understands the real answer is simply, “well, sure, but remember, we’re paid to protect institutional white supremacy.”
However, if you use your Shower Cap Fan Club Decoder ring, you can see right through the bullshit. For example, when Georgia Congresscreep Jody Hice says Washington, D.C. can’t be a state because it lacks a car dealership, (even this meaningless detail is a lie, by the way, because fucking of course it is) what he MEANS is, “There is no goddamn way we’re giving two Senators to a community with that many Black people; shit, you’re lucky we don’t try to carve out six or seven additional Dakotas.”
Another huge legislative battleground these days is, of course, voting rights. Dems want to pass their For the People Act, to protect and expand voting rights for all Americans, while Republicans, understandably, realize such a bill would bring about a degree of accountability that would force them to abandon their unpopular It is of Vital Strategic Importance to Further Enrich the Koch Family platform.
Mitch McConnell even tried his hand, er, flipper at Big Lie-telling, shamelessly insisting, “states are not engaging in trying to suppress voters whatsoever,” even as Republican legislatures across the country have introduced more than 250 new voter suppression measures, everything short of “y’think we could get away with nuking polling places in minority neighborhoods from space?”
Yertle’s feeble gaslighting feels especially sinister during a week when Brian Kemp, abusing the powers of the Georgia governorship he stole using every dirty vote suppression tactic in the book, signed the Jim Crow Snyder Cut into law. It’s the most sickeningly anti-American thing I’ve seen since…ok, January 6th wasn’t that long ago, but you get my point.
It’s now a crime in Georgia to give water to an American citizen waiting hours in line to vote, yes, the very line the state has done absolutely everything within its awesome power to lengthen, well, at least in the precincts where THOSE PEOPLE live. That’s the kind of brazenness a 6-3 Supreme Court majority buys ya.
Of course, no fascistic signing ceremony is complete without the spectacle of armed thugs, clad in the uniform of the state, dragging a Black lawmaker (state Rep. Park Cannon) away in handcuffs for the high crime of knocking on Kemp’s office door, a nifty bit of jackbooted authoritarian theatre sure to delight the increasingly radicalized Republican base.
We’re talking about gun control, too, because fools that we are, we forgot to plan for the immediate resumption of mass shootings that would inevitably accompany any successful nationwide vaccination program; heaven forbid we use a year of traumatic isolation to learn to live alongside our neighbors in harmony.
Gun control is one of those issues where you really want a country where none of the major political parties is a death cult, ideally, but it seems that ship has sailed. The Republican position is fierce, almost religious determination to arm every single future would-be murderer, whether they intend to target dozens of strangers in a crowded public space, or just one special romantic partner, because the Constitution clearly states the Congress shall make no law infringing upon the whims of any rage-warped, pencil-dicked dude who has taken it upon himself to cut short some human life.
Ted Cruz, clearly rejuvenated from his luxuriant Cancún getaway, snarled condescendingly through all the well-worn talking points, deriding as “ridiculous theatre” the attempts of his non-ghoul colleagues to curtail the senseless slaughter his bought-and-paid-for caucus unleashes on the American public at the behest of his gun lobbyist masters. Say what you will about Cruz, even after four years of vigorously licking Donald Trump’s boots, he still fellates Wayne LaPierre’s donor-funded Santonis with the enthusiasm of an intern on his very first day.
I see Tedward has some anaphrodisiac new merch for sale, and while I understand we’re in for a few years of cringe-inducing Trump impersonations from the 2024 GOP presidential field, one thing I can tell you right now is you can’t build a cult of personality around a personality as inescapably loathsome as the one perched behind Rafael Edward Cruz’s shitty, shitty beard. Cannot be done. That said, watching the most punchable lump of undiluted pomposity walking God’s green Earth attempt to inspire adoration looks to be a source of regular diversion.
Now, the Biden/Harris Administration has, to date, been a machine that keeps promises and exceeds expectations, wasting little time in rolling out the stimulus measures enacted under the American Rescue Plan, (got my check; the beer fridge is sufficiently stocked to ride out the weekend, anyway) and straight-up doubling their initial First 100 Days™️ vaccination goal. The contrast with the previous regime’s Whine All the Time While Thousands Die Daily record is…stark.
So naturally, Republicans are desperate to change the subject. They spun the Wingnut Distraction Wheel, which landed on “racist fear-mongering,” probably because every space on the Wingnut Distraction Wheel says “racist fear-mongering.” Anyway, they’re doing their damnedest to create the impression of some sort of border immigration crisis where none exists, because you have that kind of spare time once you formally rule out working on your constituents’ behalf.
You may recall this tactic from the LOCK YOUR DOORS SWEET JESUS IT’S A MIGRANT CARAVAN freakout preceding the 2018 midterms. On the other hand, you may not recall it, on account of the way it failed so spectacularly back then; and I mean FAILED, like not just Ted Cruz’s beard, but the mutant offspring of Ted Cruz’s beard and Donald Trump Jr.’s beard, a hypothetical anti-beard so shabby and sad, to look directly upon it would be to go mad.
Our old chum, vanquished insurrectionist Sidney Powell, like many a conservative rat corned by the law before her, took trembling refuge behind the C’mon Judge, You’d Have to be a Meth-Addled Fuckwit to Believe One Word of the Batshit Insane Garbage That Drops, Turd-Like, From My Lying Mouth defense, and she’s certainly not wrong. Trouble is, there’re a few more meth-addled fuckwits, willing to blindly swallow whatever batshit insane garbage that drops, turd-like, from the obviously lying mouths of known con artists than we initially thought. A few tens of millions more, actually.
I see the Hairplug That Ate Decency summoned four would-be Ohio Senators down to Marm-A-Lago for a rousing round of competitive groveling, because the endorsement of an electorally humiliated fascist lacking the mental capacities necessary to successfully close an umbrella is a desirable thing in 2021’s supremely healthy Republican Party.
Wait till you see the obstacle course, campers. You know that thing where the dealership gives a car away to whoever’s able to keep a hand on it the longest? It’s like that, only with suckling the open sores on Donald Trump’s carbuncled orange ass. Have fun with this life you’ve chosen for yourselves.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels phoned into Laura Ingraham’s White Grievance Variety Sho to insist the lynch mob he whipped into a frenzy on January 6th was “zero threat,” which I suppose is more or less true, give or take 140 law enforcement casualties and 5 corpses.
But even Axis Sally shut the Deposed, Diminished Dotard down when he tried to bust out the ol’ Big Lie, probably because she’s worried that once all these voting machine company defamation lawsuits are done with Fux Nooz, they’ll need to seize that autographed copy of Mein Kampf Rupert Murdoch got her last Xmas to cover the damages.
Dear lord, that’s more than enough for one week. Take care of yourselves out there, my friends, and may all your breakfast cereals remain generally shrimp-free.
*Because they’re Nazis, you see.