Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Maybe We Should Rename “The News.” Call it “The Asshole Chronicles” or Some Shit.
Some days, when I wrap up the ol’ Poo Joke Blog, I look over the work and say “Well done, Cap. You’ve earned your brew tonight.” Others…I step back, look at the thirty-foot-high wall of fresh scum that’s accumulated on my beautiful country over just a few short days and it’s all I can do stop myself from projectile vomiting like a Team America puppet.
You know, I’m never gonna claim I’ve figured out the meaning of life or anything, but I will say this…if you’re the kind of person that makes your colleagues go, “Stay the fuck away from my funeral, you putrid sack of scrotal rot,” you’re probably doing something wrong.
John McCain is a tricky figure for us Resisters. Saved Obamacare, passed the plutocracy-entrenching GOP tax bill, served his country, yet foisted Sarah Freakin’ Palin upon it…it’s complicated. I won’t tell you how to feel about Senator McCain, but if the man doesn’t want America’s greatest domestic enemy stinking up his memorial service with treason and overcooked steak farts, well, I’d say he’s earned the right to make that call.
(Retiring Bigotraisin Orrin Hatch disagrees. Look here, Orrin, you unprincipled, collaborating, embarrassment of a man, NO DECENT AMERICAN wants the Velveeta Vulgarian anywhere near them, least of all in their last moments above ground.)
The Failing New York Times reports the Pusillanimous Pussy-grabber did indeed know about the Stormy Daniels/Michael Cohen hush money payments months and months ago, despite public pinky-swears to the contrary. (And we really should’ve suspected something…a pinky-swear? Coming from the smallest finger on a hand renowned ’round the world for its pathetic inadequateness?)
Anyway, thanks to Rudy Giuliani’s incessant televised bungling, I have no idea what the spin du jour is anymore. Maybe it’s that Cohen awarded Stormy $130,000 for winning an essay contest on how neat it would be to fuck a guy who runs a fraudulent real estate university, and Il Douche offered to match the donation? Who the fuck knows? Or cares? GETTING BACK TO THE POINT, our President is a known payer of blackmail, and that is an astounding threat to the nation’s security. Fuck all the gossip, THAT’S THE STORY.
Speaking of Cohen, the Wall Street Journal reports investigators are poking around into the whys and wherefores of how he came across an extra 700 grand in cash when he was paying off porn stars and whatnot. Reached for comment, Cohen said “Oh dat? Dat was from da Tooth Fairy.” When asked where all the extra teeth came from, Cohen fell silent for a moment, before pitching his voice higher and declaring “Mikey can’t come to phone right now. Dis is his mother,” and hanging up.
Waterboarding/Evidence Destroying Enthusiast Gina Haspel tried to withdraw her nomination to head the CIA, before being talked down by Shart House officials. “No no, we’re the bad guys, Gina! We pardoned Arpaio! We campaigned for Roy Moore! We break up families and steal health insurance, YOU’RE JUST WHO WE’RE LOOKING FOR!” And then they all ate a live puppy.
The Man with Phalangeal Stunting is NOT happy about John Kerry’s “shadow diplomacy” to preserve the Iran nuclear deal, vastly preferring his own policy of Diplomacy Via Boneheads Who are Barely Smart Enough to Wear Pull-up Pants but are Nevertheless Quite Confident That All Diplomacy is Dumb. Shadow diplomacy probably isn’t nearly as cool as it sounds, by the way. Like, I bet Kerry doesn’t even own a grappling hook, let alone use it to scale skyscrapers in exotic locations to conduct secret meetings with ninjas or Knights Templar.
Sources say Bashful Bob Mueller interviewed Sharty McFly’s Confidant/Fellow Rich Jag Tom Barrack a few months back, though we don’t have much information on what was discussed. However, in a breaking Shower Cap scoop, my mole inside the bureau tells me Mueller really put the screws to Barrack, demanding, “If you’re such a good friend, how come you let him walk around with his necktie tied halfway down to his fucking knees like a prep school kid whose dad is still mad at the cheap gas station condom for breaking and saddling him with a son right in the prime of his life?”
Devin Nunes set down his crusty, dog-eared, copy of CHARLOTTE’S WEB just long enough to threaten Jeff Sessions with contempt if he didn’t hand over a bunch of classified information for Nunes and his cronies to leak. The Pigfucker continued, “And why don’t you save everyone some trouble and just send the docs straight over to the White House? Time is bacon, er, ‘money,’ y’know.”
Missouri Senator Roy Blunt slithered out onto the Sunday Shoz to belch up some genuinely embarrassing sycophancy for his party’s Diarrhea Overlord, saying the American people don’t care so much that Oval Office has been soiled by a petty thug who lies and grifts and brings shame upon us all daily, just so long as he keeps cutting hedge fund managers’ taxes and deporting minorities.
Blunt was accompanied in the interview by a sickly, withered, miniature Roy-Blunt-shaped homunculus. When the hosts inquired about it, Roy said, “Oh, that? That’s just my dignity,” upon which it disintegrated and blew away.
WaPo reports that the self-labeled “King of Debt,” (and Cap-labeled “Mountain of Dog Turds”) suddenly started buying a bunch of shit (you know, buildings, golf courses, fake Time Magazine covers) with cash, coincidentally around the time he seems likely to have begun laundering fat stacks of Russian oligarch rubles. Anyway, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence Mueller has so many top-drawer financial crimes prosecutors on his team.
The following is an actual news story, and not a pitch for a 12-episode Netflix show:
Aides to the President of the United States of America hired an Israeli intelligence firm (Called, I shit you not, Black Cube. BLACK FUCKING CUBE. Didn’t Black Cube supply the bomb Auric Goldfinger was gonna use on Fort Knox?) to dig up dirt on officials from his predecessor’s administration in an effort to discredit an international nuclear treaty.
For good measure, Black Cube (Muthafuckin’ BLACK. CUBE.) used to perform similar work for one Harvey Weinstein, discrediting his accusers to cover up his repellent life of crime.
…y’know, I’m starting to doubt the sincerity of these folks’ outrage about the allegedly unforgivably political origins of the Pee Doss-excuse me, STEELE Dossier.
Scott Pruitt’s capacity for manufacturing scandal has officially outpaced my ability to mock it. Honestly, how does this fuckhead find TIME for all this corruption? He’s a malfeasance prodigy. I swear, some day we’re gonna find he was skimming money from the neighborhood lemonade stand, while cutting the product with Crystal Light.
You’ll be pleased to learn your taxpayer money funded a lavish Italian vacation for Scotty and his pals, featuring plenty of sight-seeing as well as the finest dining available. Yes, this administration still wants to cut Meals on Wheels.
Also, Pruitt’s staff works diligently to shield him from public scrutiny and accountability, all while collecting salaries funded by that gaggle of chumps known as “American taxpayers.”
And STILL, despite single-handedly having more scandals than the entire Obama administration, Pruitt will report to work tomorrow morning, and lock himself in his creepy, cum-stained, soundproof booth, because we are governed by people who hold the rule of law in utter contempt. YAY.
While we’re on the subject of America’s Griftiest Cabinet, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao might not get much attention, but it turns out she’s been using her post to help out daddy’s shipping business! Now, while a scandal like this would have surely destroyed any member of Obama’s cabinet, Chao can’t even afford the buy-in at Ryan Zinke’s weekly poker game, where the players are only allowed pay with the proceeds of their corrupt dealings.
CNN sent me a motherfucking push notification about Melania’s approval ratings going up. (NO, I’m not linking!) Y’all, save that shit for fake Hawaiian nuclear launch alerts, ok? I think I trust myself to identify the appropriate time and place to delve into the first lady’s polling. Which is never.
Speaking of Melania, she finally launched her campaign against cyber bullying, even while remaining married to history’s most famous cyber bully. I look forward to Karen “Mother” Pence giving a TED talk on the dangers of ignorant, thumb-shaped, theocrats weaponizing phony piety in order to destroy women’s rights.
Oh, and Melania also totally plagiarized her anti-bullying pamphlet. You can tell how much she cares about the issue by the way she goes, “Just slap my name on what the last administration did.” HASHTAG INSPIRATIONAL.
So, a few weeks back, President Crotchvoid signed a big spending bill without reading it, because he doesn’t know shit about shit, and doesn’t care that he doesn’t know shit about shit, he just knows the sooner he signs the bills, the sooner he gets to go golfing. But then the slackjawed talking heads from the magic teevee box, to whom our President provides regular ceremonial offerings of the lettuce and tomatoes from his fast food burgers (veggies are for CUCKS), told him he got a bad deal, so now he wants Congress to pretty please agree to unspend that money so the teevee heads won’t be mad at him anymore.
First on the chopping block is the frivolous, ego-stroking military parade he ordered a little while agHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA fooled you, no, they found 30 million bucks for THAT but they want to cut programs that provide health care to low-income children. Maybe we can put the sick poor kids right in front of the tanks, huh? TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE!
Internal candidate polling now shows Negligent Mass-Murderer/Reincarnated 19th Century Robber Baron Don Blankenship actually leading in the West Virginia GOP Senate primary. Blankenship, running on a platform of naked racism and bringing back the Pinkertons to crack skulls during teacher’s strikes, claims he’s even Trumpier than Trump himself, which kind of like pancreatic cancer strutting around in front of other, less fatal cancers. That’s the state of GOP politics in 2018.
…y’know, I’m starting to think we dodged a real bullet when Charles Manson died before the 2018 Republican primary season.
Oliver North was named the new President of the NRA, because what better captain for the Good Ship Murder Lobbyist than a disgraced criminal arms dealer? North plans on holding meetings with fellow Gun Loon Leaders Wayne LaPierre, Dana Loesch, and Ted Nugent in a large, retractable, skull-shaped base in Slaughter Swamp.
Runt of the Klan Litter Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III decided he likes the tingly feeling he gets when he breaks up immigrant families at the border so much, he’s gonna do as much of it as he can before Satan finally drags him down to the deepest pit of hell to chew on his little elf balls for all eternity. No fucking jokes here, folks. Jeff Sessions is one of the worst human beings in our country, a hateful little shitmonster who enjoys hurting people, and thinks his sins are justified because it was a white broad’s crotch he happened to drop out of.
Always nice to see the Shart House congratulate a murderous autocrat on winning a fraudulent election, even as he continues to jail his political opponents. I suppose Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops can be forgiven for this one. Word is, Putin cut a new teaser trailer for the Pee Tape, and plans on attaching it to SOLO’s international release.
George Zimmerman, a celebrity in fuckhead circles because of a murder he committed, has been charged with misdemeanor stalking for repeatedly phoning and texting threats to a private investigator.
Just to be direct for a minute, Zimmerman is essentially THE textbook example of why we push so hard for gun control. I don’t know if this guy is mentally ill or just an out-of-control asshole, but he obviously has dangerously violent tendencies, as demonstrated by a lifetime’s worth of run-ins with the law, and because he was still able to purchase his own little murder machine, a human life was snuffed out.
Let’s make it so the bad guys can’t get fucking guns in the first place.
And somehow, the biggest asshole of the day manages to be a Democrat. Eric Schneiderman, you fucking monster, you better have crawled away by the time I get this post up. And double-fuck you for taking on such an important role in this fight when you fucking well knew this would come out. I wanna build the biggest goddamn catapult in history and send you and Anthony Weiner to the fucking moon. May fire ants fill your colon, you festering hemorrhoid.
(OK. Fucker resigned while I was editing. Good.)
…yeah, might’ve gotten a little a nastier than usual tonight. Sorry, friends. To everyone out there resisting in any way, great or small, I appreciate you, I love you, and I hope you’ll keep up the good work. I hope you’ll do even more tomorrow than you did today. Your country needs you, and your labor, and your passion, and your decency. Now more than ever.