Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Ho Ho Ho! Merry Flynn Flipping Day!
A joyous Flynn Flipping Day to you all! This is truly my favorite holiday!
Tonight, children will gather around the Flynn Flipping Tree to engage in the traditional Flynn Flipping Plea Bargaining Ceremony, where they stooge out their siblings’ bad behavior in an effort to reduce their own share of the coming year’s chores.
We’ll sing all the Flynn Flipping carols we know and love, from “O Come, All Ye Traitors” and “Hark! The Cooperating Witnesses Sing!” to more modern offerings like “All I Want For Christmas is for Bob Mueller to Not Send My Shitty Kid to Jail Forever.”
Yes, Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn has rolled over so the Special Counsel can rub his belly and find out about all the crimes him and his grifter buddies got up to on their Excellent Treason Adventure.
Sources tell me Mueller forced Flynn to dance around the room chanting “Lock me up!” for an undisclosed length of time before he would sign off on the plea deal.
So yeah, we were treated to another traitorous fuckhead perp walk, and let me tell ya, I can’t wait to complete that particular set of trading cards.
Obviously the Shart House belched up the expected spin. “We hardly knew the guy! We thought NSA stood for Nighttime Snack Administrator, & he’d be in charge of late nite Krispy Kreme runs!”
Flynn’s plea mentions a “senior official,” and a “very senior official” who sent him a-calludin’ with the Russkies, setting off a fun journalistic scavenger hunt, with everybody calling up their favorite sources. By the end of the day, these officials were unmasked as KT “Quick, Send Her to Singapore Before Anybody Notices” McFarland and Jared “King Shit of Portfolio Mountain” Kushner himself.
No word on whether there are further ties to a “very VERY senior official,” but rest assured, Mike Pence, you can slink around in the shadows all you like, your day’s coming.
Amusingly Team Treason seems to have been caught off guard by Flynn’s betrayal. I tell you what, that Ty Cobb dude must have a hypnotically soothing voice if he has any of these clowns believing this investigation ends quickly with complete exoneration and maybe complimentary breadsticks for their trouble.
Mueller’s not the only government lawyer throwing hands for justice today, as DoJ told pharmaturdworm Martin Shkreli to fork over the private Wu-Tang Clan album he bought to prove to the world what an irredeemable douchenozzle he is.
There’s a bunch of lunchroom gossip that Tangerine Idi Amin wants to kick Rex Tillerson out of the Kewl Kids table and replace him with Mike Pompeo while Torture-Drunk HateYokel Tom Cotton takes over the CIA.
But wait. Some say the story was planted to embarrass Not-even-a-little-bit-Sexy Rexy into resigning, because the President is known to lack the sack to actually fire anyone. And Cotton isn’t sure climbing onto this sinking ship is politically savvy. And Littlefinger himself tweets that him n’ Rex are still besties and they’re actually playing MarioKart later so shut up.
The Candycorn Skidmark declared Mission Accomplished in the War on Xmas, but nobody heard him, because he’s so universally loathed he can’t even get a decent turnout to a fucking tree lighting ceremony.
Speaking of the burning hatred our Oozing Scrotal Tumor of a President inspires in all decent people, his planned visit to England has been shelved, because after endorsing the British Nazi movement, his plane would’ve been met at the airport by a massive swarm of football hooligans, including more or less every man, woman, and child in the whole fucking country. Turns out Brits don’t like Nazis. Must’ve been the carpet bombing.
Y’know what’s fun? We the American people have already placed almost 150 grand directly into our shitty, corrupt Gangster-in-Chief’s pocket, JUST through golf cart rental charges to the Secret Service. Good grief. You sort of wonder if he ever gets to the weekend and goes, “I don’t really feel like golfing, but I need the cart rental money to pay off my lawyers.”
Apparently the Sunny D-Bag has latched onto the genius idea that a government shutdown would be good for him, likely because he thinks he won’t need to show up to work. He’s chasing the bottom of that approval rating barrel, ain’t he? Today was a step in the right direction though…34-60? OUCH!
The Failing New York Times reports that Little Donnie Two-Scoops has a curious habit of phonin’ up Republican Senators just to talk about boys and clothes and Hey You Guys Need to Stop Investigating Me.
Spineless enablers that they are, the Republican Senators in question are only too happy to write off this latest evidence of Boss Shart’s well-established pattern of obstructing justice as “Oh, he don’t mean no harm, he’s just a big, treasonous galoot, y’know? C’mon, cut the poor guy a break, you can’t really expect the President to understand complex things like when he is or isn’t committing treason, or breaking the law, or threatening the foundations of American democracy! He’s just a big dumb kid!”
Private Sector Murder Outsourcer Erik Prince testified before the House Intelligence Committee, for three hours, without a lawyer, because I guess Carter Page is a role model now. Prince swears there was nothing collude-y about his Seychelles meeting with a Putin-connected hedge fund manager, and I think these people’s track record of honesty on subject speaks for itself, y’know?
The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, keeps making noises about cracking down on marijuana users, even in states that have legalized th’Reefer Madness, because private prison cells ain’t gonna fill themselves, amiright? Sessions, having been left unattended for the morning as Justice officials scrambled to contain the Flynn fallout, pooped on the rug in his office.
Speaking of Jefferson, Adam Schiff says the AG refuses to answer questions about whether his boss ever asked him to interfere in the Russia investigation, opting instead to cover his giant, floppy, cartoon ears and pretend the truth will never, ever catch up to him. Tick tock, JeffBeau.
Lindsey Graham got 31 flavors of surly over the lying librul media treating the poor, misunderstood President like a raving lunatic, just like Lindsey Graham did that one time, and it was mightily fucking funny.
Hey, Roy Moore’s still gross, if you were curious. Turns out one of his “minister” boosters got convicted for destroying evidence to cover up for his own child molester son. Really makes you start to wonder about the Alabama evangelical community. Anyhow, Roy wants to fistfight Jimmy Kimmel, I guess?
Of course, the gnus isn’t all good, as the organized crime ring we call the Republican Party huddled in a secluded room, doing body shots off a g-string-clad Thom Thillis, throwing every lobbyist wet dream imaginable into their Further Richening of the Already Rich bill, along with a little eye of newt and toe of frog.
Nobody’s gonna see the bill until nine minutes before they vote on it, of course. Certainly not the American people. Don’t worry, peasants, I’m sure you’ll be given ample opportunity to work off your Company Store debt.
Susan Collins and Jeff Flake sold their votes in exchange for a handful of shiny beads and some empty promises from the least trustworthy man on the planet, and are now happily whitewashing the President’s fence.
There are all kinds of fancy loopholes in this alleged “simplification” of the tax code. Why, one amendment benefits a single college that lo and behold, the DeVos family supports with massive donations! POPULISM!
Anyhoo, by the time you read this, they’ll probably have birthed their little monster into the world, blowing a trillion dollar hole in the deficit, having found a few dozen new tricks to fatten their donors’ wallets. See you on the bread line, folks!
Secretary Mnuchbag played this hilarious prank where he told the American people that the Treasury Department had done an analysis saying the GOP tax bill would transform the economy from a 98-pound weakling into a Charles Atlas Man, but he won’t show anybody the analysis, possible because it’s just an old Jughead Jones comic in a fancy binder.
Anyway, Steve-O’s under investigation by Treasury’s Inspector General. Yes, another one.
Politco tells us Swollen CongressTick Blake Farenthold spent 84,000 taxpayer dollars to settle a sexual harassment claim brought by a former staffer. I apologize if reading this paragraph conjures the image of Fahrenthold as a sexual being, because obviously that would…(projectile vomits for three minutes.)
Speaking of Republican Jagoffs setting our money on fire, it seems Gowdy Doody fired a dude who refused to play along with his Benghazi farce, and wound up shelling out $150,000 in a wrongful firing settlement! Asked for comment, Gowdy said “Can’t talk, raising taxes on seniors and grad students.”
And I guess Orange Julius Caesar will be moving the U.S. Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem? Wow. Reckless action without careful consideration of the consequences seems really out of character for this administration.
Oh, and the White House is apparently infested with roaches and vermin. Shit bro, I coulda told you that.
Well, that’s all for tonight, Resisters. I’ve got to finish hanging indictments on the Flynn Flipping Day Tree, but don’t worry…my eggnog is SPIKED.