Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Mid-day Madness Check-In
Well, at this point I really am quite certain I’m plugged into the Matrix and the news is being fed directly into my brain by an alien bug robot that is also an aspiring espionage novelist. If, however, all of this garbage is actually happening, then it must be said that shit, as has previously been noted, be cray.
So, Rachel Maddow tapped the country on the shoulder the other night. “Hey guess what,” Maddow announced, “Somebody tried feeding me, and possibly other news organizations, elaborately forged national security documents in the hopes that we’d report them as real, in order to then discredit us as Fake Gnus, thus undercutting our reporting on all things great and small.” Whether this doc was planted by a member of the Shart Administration or Auric Goldfinger is unclear at this time.
But folks, this is some serious Tom Clancy shit, right? I imagine Stephen Miller bought himself a catsuit to wear while he sat in office all night, alternatively forging his little document and yanking it to anime porn. He’s probably wearing the catsuit right now. Under his suit. Smiling to himself.
Perhaps inspired by these efforts, a grassroots Real Murican apparently vandalized an elementary school with fake anti-Drumpf messages, in order to frame the mean ol’ libtards who are always vandalizing elementary schools except not this one because it was YOU, DUMBASS as clearly captured by the security camera that Dr. False Graffiti Flag didn’t notice. Truly, stupid is as stupid does.
The Director of the Office of Government Ethics turned in his resignation, cuz the current administration thinks ethics are only for Presidents that win the popular vote or some shit. It seems this flock of assholes negotiated their own, custom-built ethics agreements, on the back of a strip club cocktail napkin, which I imagine means any woman who finds herself alone with Mike Pence is automatically deported, and Steve Bannon’s allowed to drink the blood of human children in the West Wing so long as he cleans the carpet afterwards.
Anyhow, Littlefinger awoke in Hamburg, fresh and invigorated, ready to represent America’s interests at the G-20 summit!
HAHAHA I won’t pretend that fooled you. Nah, he rolled out of bed, surly from the nightly torment where he dreams he is a man with hands the size of other men’s, and rage-tweeted some nonsense about John Podesta and the DNC server, demonstrating simultaneously his ongoing obsession with HRC, and that he still doesn’t understand the difference between the CIA and the FBI, despite having been President of the United States longer than all but 5 living human beings. He probably doesn’t even know where the bathrooms are, I bet Reince has to clean his Oval Office chair six or seven times a day.
While I’m certain the Failing New York Times has dispatched reporters to burnt-out manufacturing towns to confirm that there are folks who do indeed believe the most powerful leaders on the planet gathered to gossip about Podesta and emails and such, John himself was all “Why the FUCK are you still on this, man? You’re the President, and you have a mildly important job this week! EYES ON THE BALL, TWIT.”
(Lil’ Donnie, unmoved, sent another text to Dan Coates, once again asking him to use CIA resources to assassinate Salma Hayek for refusing to date him. Or maybe the FBI. Where do the ninjas work? We have ninjas, right?)
Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally had his big meet-up with Uncle Vlad, and he greeted him with greater warmth and respect that he’s shown our nation’s oldest, strongest allies. He called it an “honor,” shook his hand, patted his back, and briefly considered gently grinding for a few minutes before catching Rex Tillerson’s stern “Now, we talked about this, wait ’till the cameras are gone” look.
The meeting, scheduled for just half an hour, apparently took, a day and half or something, as every news organization on earth breathlessly reported. (Seriously…you’re getting push notifications all day that say “Yup. Still in there.”) Only Rex knows for sure, but my sources say the bulk of the meeting involved Putin insisting the American President first do the Truffle Shuffle as a precondition for discussing anything relating to Ukraine, with Donnie crying for an undisclosed length of time before finally acquiescing after Melania brought him a carton of chocolate milk.
The Shart of the Deal was quick to declare victory, having emerged with a cease-fire agreement for a corner of Syria slightly larger than the Mall of America, and all he had to give in return was total capitulation on the issue of Russia attacking our democracy, which they will surely do again, cackling at the spectacular, comical, weakness/incompetence/crippling personal insecurity of our commander-in-chief.
Oh, and I guess he agreed to open a cybersecurity “bilateral working group” with the country that’s been waging cyber attacks on the country he’s, coughcough, FUCKING PRESIDENT OF, which is…well, different. It’s a bit like giving Josh Duggar the keys to a day-care center.
But hey, Shartboy and his Boss enjoyed a wicked little laugh at the expense of the members of the press who “insulted” poor lil’ Drumpfy-Poo. No worries, just the leader of the greatest democracy in human history chuckling alongside a petty thug who has journalists murdered. The far-away, longing look in his eyes told you the Jim Acosta voodoo doll that Bannon had made for him was going to get quite the workout later.
Oh, and, because they’re better at this than Team Shart is, the Russians got out in front of the story in the media, bragging about how Moby Dickwad accepted Vlad’s denials over the thorough assessments of his own intelligence agencies. A full day later, as I write this, nobody from the White House has substantially disputed this narrative. Unsurprisingly, the Russian media is mostly just pointing and laughing at us.
Meanwhile Russia is suspected of hacking a bunch of our Nuclear Plants (on the eve of the Putin/Drumpf summit, just to remind everyone who’s in charge), and CNN tells us that the State Department keeps issuing visas to Russian intelligence agents even as Don the Con is doing all he can to water down sanctions and give Vlad his spy compounds back. He keeps telling anyone who’ll listen that he thinks maybe someone other than Russia did some hacking too, we don’t know, has anybody asked the Maldives what they were up that dark and stormy night, even as Jolly Jim Clapper is out on the teevee saying “NO, IT WAS ONLY RUSSIA, YOU WAD OF CUD.”
By the way, did I see that these clowns actually forgot to book a hotel in Hamburg? Good lord, the people running the country aren’t even smart enough to put FIND SLEEP PLACE on their checklist when traveling abroad? Somebody needs to check the nuclear missile silos right fucking now.
Meanwhile, like a spoiled toddler playing carelessly with his neighbor’s toys, Little Sharty Boo-Boo tantrumed his way around the meeting, trying start a trade war, I guess over steel imports.
“C’mon, let’s start a trade war against China, guys! GUYS?” the Drumpfling bellows. “Go away Donnie, we’re talking about climate change,” the others say, annoyed. Finally, Emmanuel Macron finds a lingerie catalogue to distract the Manbaby while the grown-ups talk about grown-up things.
Trumpal Attorney Marc Kasowitz is trying to get a former Apprentice contestant’s lawsuit thrown out in court, because he thinks being President is an automatic Get Out of Sexual Harassment Suits Free Card (it’s not), and also if a guy goes a little nuts and defames you from the stump while he’s running for President, hey, that’s just how these things work, you filthy disgusting lying tramp-whore. Kasowitz seems nice, doesn’t he? Kind of fellah you’d like to drink a glass of bleach with.
The Senate GOP’s Rube Goldberg Murder Machine, excuse me “Health Care Bill,” keeps running into walls like Steve Bannon after he’s finished his morning bowl of Cocoa Puffs But With Gin Instead of Milk. Everybody’s all “Hey guys, I would rather get health care and live longer than give great big fat fucking tax cuts to multimillionaires,” because they are takers and cucks, but I guess any old serf can vote in this country, so even Republicans have to pay some attention to the poors…FOR NOW. (Kris Kobach and a team of henchmen cackle ominously somewhere in the distance.)
Even Jerry “Hawley Griffin” Moran is enjoying the attention that comes with being the random McConnell foot solider opposing the bill. “The spotlight’s finally on me, see, and Jerry Moran is a man who understands that opportunity doesn’t knock twice!” the Sunflower State Senator proclaimed, before producing a hooked cane, seemingly from nowhere, and launching into an elaborate tap routine set to a medley of George M Cohan classics.
Ted Cruz and his bloodthirsty bud, Mike Lee, want MORE senseless death, but even Chuck Grassley of all people is suddenly all “there might be a bit too much death in this bill, and I’m a man who has been known to pass a Sunday afternoon listening to the moans of cancer patients as they expire once their lifetime coverage limits have been reached.”
Anyhow, resistance is working here, folks. Stay on them phones.
See that thing where the GOP Twitter account tried to call out HRC for not having a health care plan? Children, Hilldwag might not be good at crafting slogans that fit on made-in-China baseball caps, but policy she can do from a unicycle on a tightrope. Juggling knives. Above a pit full of hungry badgers.
So she said “Here’s my plan, right on my website where I left it a year an a half ago, feel free to use it, enjoy hiding from your constituents for a year and a half, wankers!” and then she rode off on a Harley to do donuts on Paul Ryan’s lawn.
You’ll be pleased to learn that a number of GOP Congressgrifters, including Jim “Frosty the Snow Legistlator” Inhofe, are purchasing stock in health care companies, merrily enriching themselves as they craft legislation designed to steal health care from millions of us. Is America great again yet?
Back to the G-20, other nations seem happy to step into the leadership void our mush-brained chief executive insists on opening. They’re working around and against us, negotiating new trade deals without us, promising swift retaliation to any trade war shenanigans, and counting down to January 2021, when they can resume the old positive relationship with American President Dwayne Johnson.
Meanwhile SCROTUS plopped his ass right next to President Enrique Peña Nieto of Mexico and once again insisted he’ll get them to pay for the big stupid border wall that’ll never ever ever ever get built, because it makes him feel tuff and important. Sigh.
Oh, and I guess there was another round of military exercise posturing near the North/South Korean border late last night. Because two insecure lunatics measuring cocks is how international relations works now.
Anyhow, I guess Dorito Mussolini decided he hadn’t embarrassed the country quite enough on his trip, and so he sent his daughter to fill in for him at a meeting of heads of state, because she is a Princess, and I’m sorry but your low-stamina President is napping, because the job is too much for him. Oh, and literally every other country at the meeting issued a statement on climate change while Don the Con insisted on tacking on a paragraph at the end that reads “Nuh-UH!” in purple crayon, and I’m pretty much telling people I’m Canadian from here on out.
And of course there’s more. Mike Pence is touching things he shouldn’t (sorry, Mother) and Rick Perry’s failing Econ 101 and Kobach’s little voter suppression panel is already getting sued, but hey, what do you expect in the Yoyo Dodo cartoon we all live in now?