Well, at this point I really am quite certain I’m plugged into the Matrix and the news is being fed directly into my brain by an alien bug robot that is also an aspiring espionage novelist. If, however, all of this garbage is actually happening, then it must be said that shit, as has previously been noted, be cray.

So, Rachel Maddow tapped the country on the shoulder the other night. “Hey guess what,” Maddow announced, “Somebody tried feeding me, and possibly other news organizations, elaborately forged national security documents in the hopes that we’d report them as real, in order to then discredit us as Fake Gnus, thus undercutting our reporting on all things great and small.” Whether this doc was planted by a member of the Shart Administration or Auric Goldfinger is unclear at this time.

But folks, this is some serious Tom Clancy shit, right? I imagine Stephen Miller bought himself a catsuit to wear while he sat in office all night, alternatively forging his little document and yanking it to anime porn. He’s probably wearing the catsuit right now. Under his suit. Smiling to himself.

Perhaps inspired by these efforts, a grassroots Real Murican apparently vandalized an elementary school with fake anti-Drumpf messages, in order to frame the mean ol’ libtards who are always vandalizing elementary schools except not this one because it was YOU, DUMBASS as clearly captured by the security camera that Dr. False Graffiti Flag didn’t notice. Truly, stupid is as stupid does.

The Director of the Office of Government Ethics turned in his resignation, cuz the current administration thinks ethics are only for Presidents that win the popular vote or some shit. It seems this flock of assholes negotiated their own, custom-built ethics agreements, on the back of a strip club cocktail napkin, which I imagine means any woman who finds herself alone with Mike Pence is automatically deported, and Steve Bannon’s allowed to drink the blood of human children in the West Wing so long as he cleans the carpet afterwards.

Anyhow, Littlefinger awoke in Hamburg, fresh and invigorated, ready to represent America’s interests at the G-20 summit!

HAHAHA I won’t pretend that fooled you. Nah, he rolled out of bed, surly from the nightly torment where he dreams he is a man with hands the size of other men’s, and rage-tweeted some nonsense about John Podesta and the DNC server, demonstrating simultaneously his ongoing obsession with HRC, and that he still doesn’t understand the difference between the CIA and the FBI, despite having been President of the United States longer than all but 5 living human beings. He probably doesn’t even know where the bathrooms are, I bet Reince has to clean his Oval Office chair six or seven times a day.

While I’m certain the Failing New York Times has dispatched reporters to burnt-out manufacturing towns to confirm that there are folks who do indeed believe the most powerful leaders on the planet gathered to gossip about Podesta and emails and such, John himself was all “Why the FUCK are you still on this, man? You’re the President, and you have a mildly important job this week! EYES ON THE BALL, TWIT.”

(Lil’ Donnie, unmoved, sent another text to Dan Coates, once again asking him to use CIA resources to assassinate Salma Hayek for refusing to date him. Or maybe the FBI. Where do the ninjas work? We have ninjas, right?)

Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally had his big meet-up with Uncle Vlad, and he greeted him with greater warmth and respect that he’s shown our nation’s oldest, strongest allies. He called it an “honor,” shook his hand, patted his back, and briefly considered gently grinding for a few minutes before catching Rex Tillerson’s stern “Now, we talked about this, wait ’till the cameras are gone” look.

The meeting, scheduled for just half an hour, apparently took, a day and half or something, as every news organization on earth breathlessly reported. (Seriously…you’re getting push notifications all day that say “Yup. Still in there.”) Only Rex knows for sure, but my sources say the bulk of the meeting involved Putin insisting the American President first do the Truffle Shuffle as a precondition for discussing anything relating to Ukraine, with Donnie crying for an undisclosed length of time before finally acquiescing after Melania brought him a carton of chocolate milk.

The Shart of the Deal was quick to declare victory, having emerged with a cease-fire agreement for a corner of Syria slightly larger than the Mall of America, and all he had to give in return was total capitulation on the issue of Russia attacking our democracy, which they will surely do again, cackling at the spectacular, comical, weakness/incompetence/crippling personal insecurity of our commander-in-chief.

Oh, and I guess he agreed to open a cybersecurity “bilateral working group” with the country that’s been waging cyber attacks on the country he’s, coughcough, FUCKING PRESIDENT OF, which is…well, different. It’s a bit like giving Josh Duggar the keys to a day-care center.

But hey, Shartboy and his Boss enjoyed a wicked little laugh at the expense of the members of the press who “insulted” poor lil’ Drumpfy-Poo. No worries, just the leader of the greatest democracy in human history chuckling alongside a petty thug who has journalists murdered. The far-away, longing look in his eyes told you the Jim Acosta voodoo doll that Bannon had made for him was going to get quite the workout later.

Oh, and, because they’re better at this than Team Shart is, the Russians got out in front of the story in the media, bragging about how Moby Dickwad accepted Vlad’s denials over the thorough assessments of his own intelligence agencies. A full day later, as I write this, nobody from the White House has substantially disputed this narrative. Unsurprisingly, the Russian media is mostly just pointing and laughing at us.

Meanwhile Russia is suspected of hacking a bunch of our Nuclear Plants (on the eve of the Putin/Drumpf summit, just to remind everyone who’s in charge), and CNN tells us that the State Department keeps issuing visas to Russian intelligence agents even as Don the Con is doing all he can to water down sanctions and give Vlad his spy compounds back. He keeps telling anyone who’ll listen that he thinks maybe someone other than Russia did some hacking too, we don’t know, has anybody asked the Maldives what they were up that dark and stormy night, even as Jolly Jim Clapper is out on the teevee saying “NO, IT WAS ONLY RUSSIA, YOU WAD OF CUD.”

By the way, did I see that these clowns actually forgot to book a hotel in Hamburg? Good lord, the people running the country aren’t even smart enough to put FIND SLEEP PLACE on their checklist when traveling abroad? Somebody needs to check the nuclear missile silos right fucking now.

Meanwhile, like a spoiled toddler playing carelessly with his neighbor’s toys, Little Sharty Boo-Boo tantrumed his way around the meeting, trying start a trade war, I guess over steel imports.

“C’mon, let’s start a trade war against China, guys! GUYS?” the Drumpfling bellows. “Go away Donnie, we’re talking about climate change,” the others say, annoyed. Finally, Emmanuel Macron finds a lingerie catalogue to distract the Manbaby while the grown-ups talk about grown-up things.

Trumpal Attorney Marc Kasowitz is trying to get a former Apprentice contestant’s lawsuit thrown out in court, because he thinks being President is an automatic Get Out of Sexual Harassment Suits Free Card (it’s not), and also if a guy goes a little nuts and defames you from the stump while he’s running for President, hey, that’s just how these things work, you filthy disgusting lying tramp-whore. Kasowitz seems nice, doesn’t he? Kind of fellah you’d like to drink a glass of bleach with.

The Senate GOP’s Rube Goldberg Murder Machine, excuse me “Health Care Bill,” keeps running into walls like Steve Bannon after he’s finished his morning bowl of Cocoa Puffs But With Gin Instead of Milk. Everybody’s all “Hey guys, I would rather get health care and live longer than give great big fat fucking tax cuts to multimillionaires,” because they are takers and cucks, but I guess any old serf can vote in this country, so even Republicans have to pay some attention to the poors…FOR NOW. (Kris Kobach and a team of henchmen cackle ominously somewhere in the distance.)

Even Jerry “Hawley Griffin” Moran is enjoying the attention that comes with being the random McConnell foot solider opposing the bill. “The spotlight’s finally on me, see, and Jerry Moran is a man who understands that opportunity doesn’t knock twice!” the Sunflower State Senator proclaimed, before producing a hooked cane, seemingly from nowhere, and launching into an elaborate tap routine set to a medley of George M Cohan classics.

Ted Cruz and his bloodthirsty bud, Mike Lee, want MORE senseless death, but even Chuck Grassley of all people is suddenly all “there might be a bit too much death in this bill, and I’m a man who has been known to pass a Sunday afternoon listening to the moans of cancer patients as they expire once their lifetime coverage limits have been reached.”

Anyhow, resistance is working here, folks. Stay on them phones.

See that thing where the GOP Twitter account tried to call out HRC for not having a health care plan? Children, Hilldwag might not be good at crafting slogans that fit on made-in-China baseball caps, but policy she can do from a unicycle on a tightrope. Juggling knives. Above a pit full of hungry badgers.

So she said “Here’s my plan, right on my website where I left it a year an a half ago, feel free to use it, enjoy hiding from your constituents for a year and a half, wankers!” and then she rode off on a Harley to do donuts on Paul Ryan’s lawn.

You’ll be pleased to learn that a number of GOP Congressgrifters, including Jim “Frosty the Snow Legistlator” Inhofe, are purchasing stock in health care companies, merrily enriching themselves as they craft legislation designed to steal health care from millions of us. Is America great again yet?

Back to the G-20, other nations seem happy to step into the leadership void our mush-brained chief executive insists on opening. They’re working around and against us, negotiating new trade deals without us, promising swift retaliation to any trade war shenanigans, and counting down to January 2021, when they can resume the old positive relationship with American President Dwayne Johnson.

Meanwhile SCROTUS plopped his ass right next to President Enrique Peña Nieto of Mexico and once again insisted he’ll get them to pay for the big stupid border wall that’ll never ever ever ever get built, because it makes him feel tuff and important. Sigh.

Oh, and I guess there was another round of military exercise posturing near the North/South Korean border late last night. Because two insecure lunatics measuring cocks is how international relations works now.

Anyhow, I guess Dorito Mussolini decided he hadn’t embarrassed the country quite enough on his trip, and so he sent his daughter to fill in for him at a meeting of heads of state, because she is a Princess, and I’m sorry but your low-stamina President is napping, because the job is too much for him. Oh, and literally every other country at the meeting issued a statement on climate change while Don the Con insisted on tacking on a paragraph at the end that reads “Nuh-UH!” in purple crayon, and I’m pretty much telling people I’m Canadian from here on out.

And of course there’s more. Mike Pence is touching things he shouldn’t (sorry, Mother) and Rick Perry’s failing Econ 101 and Kobach’s little voter suppression panel is already getting sued, but hey, what do you expect in the Yoyo Dodo cartoon we all live in now?