Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Moronic, Malevolent, Musings from the Manchurian Manchild, on Mexico, Midler, the Moon, and More
Fucking hell, this shit is exhausting. Working through the newspaper today is like reading crappy fanfic that explores the backstories of every Nazi Indiana Jones ever knocked off a moving truck. Anyhow, if you feel like reading a bunch of stories about shitty people doing shitty things, BOY HAVE I GOT A BLOG FOR YOU.
While this government has already committed countless atrocities in their fanatic quest to Make America White Again, it turns out Stephen MiIller requires ever more heinous acts of depravity to coax an erection out of the tiny, shrieking, demon he has instead of a penis. I guess tearing migrant children away from their parents, or making them sleep on the fucking ground just isn’t doing it for him anymore. I guess the body count isn’t rising quickly enough.
So now the Turdmaggot Administration, in our name and with our money, is jacking up the cruelty quotient in their American concentration camps. They’re serving detainees spoiled food. They’re cutting legal aid and English lessons for detained children. They’re even cutting soccer, because the tar-souled rage monsters running the country cannot abide the thought of allowing brown children even a passing hour’s respite from their state-sponsored torment.
Plus, Border Patrol agents have taken up a
fun monstrous new hobby; confiscating medication from migrant kids! I’m trying to wrap my head around the concept of A Person Who Takes Medicine Away from a Child, because that’s the kind of behavior that makes every Bond/Marvel/Disney villain ever go “WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?,” and yet it appears to be occurring with some regularity in the nation I was raised to believe was a beacon of freedom and righteousness.
There must be a really nice parking space on the line for Vilest Immigration Enforcement Employee of the Month, because some deranged fucks over at ICE respect human life so little, they left a group of migrant kids, some as young as five, to sleep in a fucking van in a fucking parking lot. For as long as thirty-nine hours. I don’t know who handles human resources for Immigration and Customs Enforcement, but maybe y’all should start scanning applicants for sociopathy, sadism, and, y’know, evil.
Does anybody else fantasize about these bastards facing the sort of ironic justice they doled out in the old Tales from the Crypt comics? I just want to see Miller and Kirstjen Nielsen and all their little foot soldiers, locked in vans overnight, eating rancid food, while their guards taunt and abuse them, is that so wrong?
Anyway, tell the President responsible for all this obscenity his Nobel Peace Prize is probably in the mail.
Over in England, the Candycorn Skidmark showed up to his formal dinner with the Queen dressed like a grade school kid who stole his older brother’s prom tux, because he is such a blistering idiot that he literally cannot even put fucking clothes on right.
The next President should be able to dress themselves, okay? Screw debates, just give the candidates a $100 Macy’s gift card each, and let’s see who’s capable of walking out with pant legs that don’t appear to be designed with smuggling entire slabs of ribs into movie theatres in mind.
While abroad, the Hairplug That Ate Decency sat down for an interview with Piers Morgan, and I suppose we’re fortunate the entire world didn’t implode like the Poltergeist house upon attaining this Old Doughy White Guys with Unearned Self-Regard singularity. Anyhow, it turns out the guy who doesn’t understand tariffs or umbrellas or pants also doesn’t understand climate change, which no doubt surprises you.
Just watching the Vapid Vessel of VeryFine Vanity having a merry little chat with Laura “It’s a shame Paul Nehlen doesn’t have a larger platform to call for anti-Semitic violence from” Ingraham right in front of a U.S. military cemetery in France was stomach-churning, and I applaud our fallen heroes for resisting the urge go all zombie and shit, and rise from their graves for one final fascism-stomping binge for old time’s sake. And yet, even starting from a point so low as to be subterranean, things managed to get worse.
Yes, the Bonespur Buttplug, bored from a long day spent commemorating the heroes who fought and died at Normandy rather than having the good sense to be born rich enough to pay off doctors for a Get Out of War Free card, unleashed a torrent of abuse at the likes of Bob Mueller, Chuck Schumer, and Nancy Pelosi, with all the wit and finesse of a playground bully repeating the fifth grade for the second time.
All in all, a busy trip for the Velveeta Vulgarian. He embarrassed the United States in so many different ways and venues, it’s amazing he still found time to golf. Truly, he is a wonder.
Well, looka here, it seems Paul Manafort is about to be transferred from Rich White People Jail to Holy Shit Real Actual Prison. Now, I was all set to write a gloaty little gag at his expense, but even the cursory, drunken, research I do for my little poop joke blog here revealed that Rikers Island is an absolute horror, and not even Precocious Paul deserves the torture of solitary confinement there. So in lieu of a punchline, which would be inappropriate, I hope you’ll allow me to remind you of the story of Kalief Browder, who committed suicide four years ago this week, following three years detained at Rikers, awaiting trial for allegedly stealing a fucking backpack.
The self-awareness fairy seems to have skipped over Steve King’s house this year, as western Iowa’s favorite white nationalist has taken to painting himself as the victim of a “political lynch mob” for the TOTAL BULLSHIT reason that he talks like a Nazi all the damn time. King is openly fantasizing about a big political comeback, and I hope he gets his hopes waaaaaaaay up.
Okay, I don’t like to get too controversial here, but dammit, I gotta say this: the President of the United States shouldn’t care what Bette Midler thinks of him. I don’t mean to diminish the Divine Miss M’s long and storied career, I just think that when you’re in the sort of gig where you’re expected to handle legitimate crises like the Cuban Missile Crisis or 9/11 you should be able to handle whatever slings and arrows the star of Hocus Pocus may lob at you without feeling the need to issue a retort in the middle of the goddamn night.
Not satisfied with simply shitting all over America during his time in office, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot reached out to fuck over untold generations yet to come, ordering an end to the use of fetal tissue in much government medical research. This is fantastic news for the nation’s belligerent wannabe theocrats, especially since this sort of triumph of superstition over science has been difficult to come by SINCE THE FUCKING DARK AGES. For everyone who now has to die from a disease that might otherwise have been cured had the President not viewed the Fake Christian American Taliban as his “base,” the news is…less awesome.
And the Accidental Poosquirt is set to pigheadedly push forward with his plan to reverse Obama-era vehicle mileage standards, even though American automakers themselves asked him not to. Folks, this is not about the auto industry, or the even the environment, it’s about doing everything in his power to get back at that black guy who made people laugh at him that one time.
While science is generally under siege during the Shitferbrains Administration, America continues making revolutionary strides in the field of white male fragility, as evidenced by the planned “Straight Pride” parade in Boston. Y’know, I’m starting to think modern conservatism is mostly about grown-ass men seeking the right to lash out like spoiled toddlers. Speaking of which…
The entire American right wing has united to tackle the opioid crisis. Excuse me, that’s not quite right. What I meant to say is, “the entire American right wing has united to bitch and moan that a hate-mongering nitwit is no longer allowed to profit from provoking harassment mobs on the internet.”
Obviously, I’m talking about the thing with Steven Crowder, who calls himself a “comedian” because when he belches up his hate speech, he smirks, congratulating himself on all the “libs” he’s “owning.” I guess he got his little YouTube channel demonetized for essentially the same the reason Steve King lost his committee assignments. So again, what we’re dealing with is a despicable twerp, throwing a tantrum because he’s finally facing consequences for years of abominable behavior. Maybe we should build some sort of combination anger room/ball pit where these stunted man-babies can work out their resentments away from decent society.
Folks, let’s sweep away the cobwebs of the ten thousand bad-faith arguments flying out of every subpar alt-right blog, because what we’re talking about here is a vicious little troll who does nothing but spread hate, and then disingenuously whinnies about “free speech” whenever anyone calls him out for his vileness, a dude who makes his living selling t-shirts that say “Socialism is for F*gs.” This guy is a malignant polyp on the rectum of humanity, okay? He is a bad person. What Steven Crowder does isn’t comedy, or commentary, it’s hatred.
And y’know what? The idea that we shouldn’t go out of our way to set up revenue streams for the snarling shitstains who want to tear society apart with their rage and bigotry is 100% uncontroversial, assuming one possesses half a thimbleful of decency. A moral culture chases a man like Steven Crowder back to the sewers he sprang from. And yet here we are, listening to Ted Cruz, a U.S. Senator, who won’t say one fucking word about the half-dozen stories this week covering the outrages inflicted on migrant children, moralizing in that phony preacher voice of his about the oppression of the Socialism is for F*gs guy. SPARE ME.
Well the long arm of the law finally caught up with one of the gluttonous grifters of the Carcinogenic Creamsicle’s Crooked Cabinet, as a government watchdog office climbed to the top of the highest mountain in all the land to proclaim that Cowboy Ryan Zinke violated not just the Laws of Good Taste, but also the Hatch Act, in wearing MAGA socks with Orange Julius Caesar’s sharty little face on them. Zinke Bootz won’t face any consequences whatsoever, of course, but perhaps you’ll be able to draw some small comfort from this symbolic victory when we’re all in the work camps.
Ahead of his sentencing, Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn fired his lawyers, and shit bro, I bet that makes all your problems disappear like a fake Time Magazine cover from a chintzy Trump golf resort wall. Yeah, the problem was your representation, not the fuckton of federal crimes you committed.
And the Dem-led Congress took some sort of arcane procedural step towards holding William Barr and Don McGahn in contempt for responding to congressional subpoenas by driving past the Capitol Building with their wrinkly old guy butts hanging out the window. The problem with all this subpoenaing and ignoring subpoenas and contempt resolutions and whatnot is that it’s in the news all the time, so I have to talk about it…but it’s not funny. It’s old people giving boring speeches waving fistfuls of documents menacingly at one another, and yes, the future of the whole dang United States hangs in the balance, but it’s just not funny.
Praise is hard to come by when you possess the Marmalade Shartcannon’s magical blend of incompetence and malice, so I suppose he can be forgiven for fabricating a whole speech where NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg praised him for hours, particularly the length of his fingers, which somehow seem even more impressive using the metric system. Obviously, it’s super-normal for presidents to invent fake public addresses by well-known political leaders. Normal AF.
Y’know, Donnie, if you’re so desperate for the fawning praise of servile yes men, you could always rehire Reince Priebus; that guy was like the Greek God of sycophancy.
So I guess the Dotard thinks the Moon is part of Mars? Sure. Whatever. Par for the course, here in the Lewis Carroll fever dream we call 21st century America. How we’ve survived this long eludes me.
And I see the Shart Administration is celebrating Pride Month in style, by forbidding U.S. embassies to fly the rainbow flag! Mike Pompeo may suck at diplomacy, but when it comes to transforming the State Department into the blunt tool of Dumbass Phony Evangelical Theocracy, he’s a goddamn wizard.
Ooooo…and now a federal judge has ordered the FBI to un-redact more of Jazzy Jim Comey’s old memos about his misspent youth in Fat Q*Bert’s company! I assume this will amount primarily to extensive documentation of presidential b.o., with Comey lending an intelligence officer’s insight to descriptions of that noxious cocktail of hair tonic, spray tan solution, and overcooked steak farts.
And hey, a little good news, Shart Garfunkel backed down on his threat to impose sweeping new tariffs on Mexico, because backing down is what a bully does. Luckily, the American economy will not suffer the cartoon-anvil-to-the-junk that would have resulted, and we won’t face the massive tax increase as consumers, which leaves me with more beer money, and believe me, I’m absolutely taking advantage before he changes his addled little mind.
And with that, my friends, let me thank you for the gift of your time and your attention, I appreciate the hell out of it, but lordy, I need a break. I think I’m gonna spend the weekend looking at cat videos till I pass out, if that’s okay with y’all.