Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Moved by the Spirit of MLK Day, President Trump Finally Embraces Love, Equality and HA HA JUST KIDDING THIS IS HELL
Well, with the long weekend, there was significantly less madness than unusual, so perhaps HA HA HA JUST KIDDING WE LIVE IN HELL AND IT NEVER EVER STOPS. So why not grab a machete and hack through these weeds with me?
You’ll be pleased to learn that our President, who doesn’t understand how tariffs work, who doesn’t understand how NATO works, who famously lost a battle of wits with an open umbrella, seems to be under the impression that there’s a wall around San Antonio, and it’s more popular there than the Spurs. Why make it so you have to be at least 35 years old to run for President, if you’re just going to elect someone who’s dumber than a 5th grader?
More good news, as the Marmalade Shartcannon and his party are hard at work, developing a new policy that will bring hundreds of millions of dollars worth of benefits to the American people. Wait, did I say, “the American people?” Because I meant, “Russian oligarch Oleg V. Deripaska.” Much like the President, I often get the two confused. Which one is his employer again?
The conservative movement has a new Patron Saint of Whinging Victimhood, and it’s a whole gaggle of shitty teenagers! So, these shitty little boys took a weekend field trip to protest against a woman’s right to bodily autonomy, and decided, “hey, as shitty as that is, I bet we can find a way to be shittier.” And boy howdy, did they ever.
You’ve seen the videos by now, of the little dirtbags mocking Native American protesters. Somehow, one short day and one large check to a PR firm later, the same little dirtbags are martyrs on the alter of a dishonest, malicious, world that criticized them for…shitbag behavior that anyone with two eyes can see. The white privilege is so thick here, you could cut it with a plastic knife from Chick fil-A.
Boys will boys, I guess. Meaning boys will mock minorities. And boys will make rape jokes at passing girls. Fortunately, they’ll be facing the consequences of their actions, when they get to give televised interviews to repeat the bullshit lies that they were actually “praying.” That Gillette commercial came a bit late, don’tcha think?
Anyway, we’ll be picking teams for the next Civil War according to reactions to this incident, so please have your own personal thinkpiece filed with Salon by Friday at 5:00.
Plus, the one smirking jag kid has been nominated for a vacancy on the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals. Ok, that’s a bit silly, but these little brats did potentially score an invite to the White House. Cool. Wonder if they’ll wear blackface for the trip.
I’ve honestly lost track of where we last left Visibly-Decomposing-From-the-Mouth-Outwards Treasonlaywer Rudy Giuliani…was he belching up some ridiculous lie, or walking it back? It’s an old cycle by now, constant and reliable as the fucking tide. Apparently Rudy’s worried about his long-since-shredded reputation, whining that his gravestone may read “He lied for Trump.” And I don’t think that’s fair, either. It should say, “He lied for Trump, and also he fucked his cousin, for he was a lying cousin-fucker.”
Hairplug Himmler silenced once and for all the critics who accuse him of racism, by visiting the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial with Mike Pants. The President’s vigil lasted nearly the length of an entire Clash song, before he returned to the important work of Watching TV All Day, muttering something about there being “very fine people on both sides” of the King assassination as he waddled back to the motorcade.
Mikey Hairshirt had earlier attempted to make the case that Government Cheese Goebbels and MLK are basically the same person because, “they both…um…eat food and…errrr…this is trickier than I thought…both were frequently photographed wearing shoes and…hey, I have to pee. Bye!”
Possibly the least shocking news of the week reveals that somebody is doctoring photos of Baron Golfin von Fatfuk to make him look thinner, and yes, they really are altering images to make his wee lil’ fingers longer. Orwell for Shitheads.
Doesn’t that make you want to look at the Shart House organizational flow chart? “Ok, Kirstjen, you’re in change of the kiddie concentration camps, Sarah, you take care of the finger-lengthening, and on the opioid crisis, how abooooouuuuut….nobody. Yeah, let’s put nobody on that. But I want those phalanges stretched ten minutes ago, dammit!”
As the financial problems pile up for furloughed workers, as increasingly-dire consequences for the American economy draw ever nearer, as his public opinion pummeling risks leaving bruises even his hilarious balloon man pants won’t be able to conceal, Pissant Pol Pot has actually increased his ask for re-opening the government. Yes, Shithead’s “compromise” bill demands not only billions in wall money, but a total reworking of the nation’s asylum laws, practically a direct transcription of Stephen Miller’s scrotum tattoo. Unbelievable.
He truly is…the Shart of the Deal. I imagine after this gambit fails, he’ll offer a bill that replaces food stamps with vouchers for Trump Steaks and deports everyone working for the Mueller investigation.
Speaking of Bodacious Bob, we learned a few intriguing details about the Mystery Company That Really Does Not Want to Honor Bob’s Subpoena; they are not-just-partially-but-wholly owned by a foreign government, and they are getting their colluding corporate keisters kicked in court. They’re being fined $50,000 every day they refuse to turn over documents, and folks, that’ll buy a lot of borscht. Or some culturally equivalent dish. But probably borscht.
Who else is the Bobadook sneaking up on these days? Why, the murderous taintnibblers of the National Rifle Association, that’s who! I try not to get my hopes up over these rumors, but Mr. Mueller, if you’re reading this blog,* please please please please please take those death merchants down a few pegs, over laundering Rubles or anything else you might dig up. I haven’t wanted anything this badly since puberty.
Also, the Supreme Court gave the Valor Thief in Chief the go-ahead to enforce his hateful ban on transgender troops in the military while the issue is resolved in the courts. I hope Jill Stein voters are feeling really good tonight about their role as accessories to Mitch McConnell’s heist of that SCOTUS seat. Hey, I get it, your pride matters more to you than the safety and humanity of your transgender countryfolk. You’re the REAL progressives.
So I guess the Drumpf Administration is looking to arbitrarily relabel “high-level radioactive waste” as “low-level radioactive waste,” not in response to any new scientific findings, but because doing so will make it cheaper to clean up. Yeah, nuclear waste disposal seems like a sensible place to cut corners. The last thing this shitstorm needs is gangs of irradiated mutants, roving the west…now that I think about it, maybe this is why Ryan Zinke finally resigned. (This story is a few weeks old, but I missed it, so it’s new to me, dammit!)
Looks like Littlefinger has pretty much cancelled White House press briefings, because of all the bullying Sarah Slanders endures at the hands of those mean ol’ fact-checkers. Still, this action is not without consequences; adrift and listless, the Uncredible Huck has purchased a tank full of fish for her office, which she lies to all day long, just to fill the void.
I see the House passed a bill confirming America’s support for NATO, because that’s the kind of thing the House has to do nowadays. One of the fun parts of January 2021 will be passing all sorts of laws we never thought we needed before. “Ok, I guess it should be illegal to swap sanctions relief for trademarks for your daughter’s shitty jewelry business, wonder why James Madison never thought of that one.”
Meanwhile, the Shartdown is increasingly hamstringing the FBI’s ability to, y’know, enforce the law, affecting everything from counterterrorism operations to, ironically, battling Donnie Dotard’s favorite demon, MS-13. Me, I’m just disappointed in myself for lacking the foresight to plan any crimes during this period of self-inflicted chaos. I could’ve broken in the Art Institute, Mission-Impossible-style, and stolen one of those cute little miniature rooms I like so much.
Anyhow, Mitch McConnell has set up a little legislative theatre for Thursday, because watching old dudes fiddle with themselves on C-Span is clearly more important than actually solving the problem that’s within his power to solve. Condolences to everybody working without a paycheck, Yertle has some very important posturing to get to before your concerns can be addressed.
See? Long holiday weekend, hardly any madness at all. Now if you’d be so kinda as to loosen the straps on my straightjacket…
*The Special Counsel’s affection for a well-crafted poo joke is widely documented, of course.