This was supposed to be an easy, pleasant, weekend. I was gonna get to see BLACK PANTHER, which would bring me as much joy as it brought Ben Shapiro existential terror.

But no, the Madness intervened yet again, so here I sit, with a six pack and the internet’s all-you-can-stomach news buffet. Wheeeeee.

So the Republican Party is back to doing what it does best; increasing human suffering! This time, the House GOP voted to undermine the Americans with Disabilities Act, because…fuck it, I don’t have any jokes. Because they’re bad people, ok?

With the tax bill, and the immigration debate, and gun control, and health care, and Trump, and all the other shit they’ve put us through this last year-and-change, let’s just call a spade a spade. These are shitty people, and they do shitty things. There. I said it. I feel great.

Anyhoo, see where the Velveeta Urinal Cake gave himself a sturdy pat on the back for getting GM to relocate a factory from South Korea to Detroit, only that isn’t a thing that’s actually happening because he just made it up?

I only bring this up to mention that my chain of Bathrobe-and-Luchador-Mask shops will soon be expanding into not only Detroit, but Oz, Latveria, Narnia, and Arrakis.

A little light grifting over at the Department of Veterans affairs, where the Secretary’s Chief of Staff resigned after getting caught doctoring e-mails to force upon the American people the privilege of paying for the Secretary’s wife’s vacation. Honestly, this seems hardly worth mentioning amidst the larger crimes of this cabal. Call me when you build a soundproof booth in your office, you fucking amateurs.

Speaking of Scott Pruitt, he says that because he got yelled at a couple of times, he’s entitled to a taxpayer-funded first class safe space whenever he travels. Pruitt added that it’s “really cool that Americans are willing to work so hard to provide me with the extra leg room and all those little tiny wine bottles. I’d thank you all, but I’m kind of a dick.”

Turning things over to our gossip columnist for a moment, look out ladies! It seems Rob Porter is back on the market!

…seriously, though. Look out. He’s a serial domestic abuser, and I imagine he’s unusually angry these days, even by his own standards. If you see Rob Porter, just call the police. Unless you have mace, in which case, mace him, and then call the police.

The fallout of the Porter shitstorm also turned up more than 100 Shart House staffers working without permanent security clearances. So yeah, you’re looking at intelligence at the highest levels of classification being handled by…who the fuck knows? An oh-so-blackmailable wife-beater, and Jared Kushner, who just amended his security forms AGAIN because he keeps forgetting all the places he owes money?  Dang, I feel safe.

I seem to remember some allegations of irresponsible handling of classified information being brought up once or twice during Hillary Clinton’s campaign, but…y’know, I read a lot of stuff, I may just be imagining that.

Oh hey, Paul Manafort’s sidekick rolled over on him? That Gates fellah? He’s working on a plea deal and cooperating with the Mueller investigation? That’s fun!

Hope you enjoyed that last Thanksgiving, Paulie, because now more than ever, you are truly…#Manafucked.

(Even more #Manafucked than I thought, I guess. While I was drafting, Bashful Bob turned up fresh new evidence of bank fraud on the former Drumpf campaign head’s part. I’m starting to think there’s something fishy about this Manafort fellow.)

Laura Ingraham has some ideas on who’s allowed to have political opinions, and SPOILERZ, it certainly isn’t black people!

Laura wants everyone to understand how super-deluxe-un-racist she is, even as she demands that LeBron James and Kevin Durant shut their (black) mouths and keep their (black) opinions to their (black) selves.

Yes, this is the same Ingraham that gave Trump a Nazi salute at the RNC back when we all still thought Americans were too decent to elect a Malignant HateClown President, by the way.

If you blinked, you probably missed the immigration “debate” Mitch McConnell, in his gracious majesty, permitted on the floor of the Senate. Since the Grifter Grand Wizard announced his intentions to veto any bill that didn’t qualify as Pornography Custom-Made for Klansmen, two compromise bills with bipartisan support failed to overcome a Racist Shitbag, excuse me, “Republican Party” filibuster.

Of course, Trump’s preferred bill (The “Stephen Miller Thinks It’s So Sexy He Printed Out a Copy to Rub Sensually Across His Giant Bald Spot Act of 2018″) failed hardest of all, managing only 39 votes. In related news, 39 Republican Senators are not so very different from the Very Fine People of the Charlottesville marches.

As you know, there was another horrific school shooting, with 17 fatalities. I don’t understand how this happened, friends. I mean, after the last mass shooting, we did precisely nothing, so WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

Well, I’m sure the Absolutely Nothing we do this time will work much better than all the previous Absolutely Nothings.

Fat Q*Bert, like a good little NRA stooge, was quick to point to the shooter’s mental health in the immediate aftermath, hoping no one would remember that time he signed a bill making it easier for people with mental illnesses to buy guns, or that time he called for massive cuts to mental health treatment.

And Senator Marco Rubio, notoriously Jell-O-legged on literally everything else, declared with the confidence of Moses walking down from the mountain that anyone who’s ever committed a mass shooting would have absolutely found some magical method to kill exactly the same the number of people as they did with the assault rifles we make so readily available for reasons that defy sanity.

When asked to provide anything even remotely resembling evidence for the claim he pulled directly out his ass, Senator Rubio said, “No further comment, I have to spend the rest of the afternoon counting all the money the NRA has donated to my campaigns. If you guys could just play this interview on loop next time somebody murders a bunch of kids with an assault rifle, we can all save ourselves a bunch of time and hassle, k?”

If that guy in Las Vegas didn’t have his bump stock, he’d just have slaughtered those 58 human beings with blow darts, right, Marco?

Somehow Rubio isn’t even the biggest asshole shooting his mouth-sphincter off about Why Guns Are the Real Victim of This Mass Shooting. Meet North Carolina State Representative Larry Pittman, (Guess his party. Just GUESS.) who suggests we need to keep an eye on “Communist Democrats,” who are shooting up schools so they’ll have an excuse to take away Larry Pittman’s armory and take over the country, and then, no doubt, THE WORLD.

Net-Neutrality-Castrating Douchebag Ajit Pai seems to be under investigation for maybe just maybe improperly castrating net neutrality for the benefit of Sinclair Broadcasting.

I tell you what, the handful of Drump appointees who AREN’T under investigation are starting to suffer from Inspector General Envy. Sonny Perdue is now conspicuously stuffing his pockets with office supplies on the way out the door every day. Rick Perry keeps having too-loud phone conversations with Saudi Princes, offering to sell them Texas oil fields in exchange for shiny beads.

On the Remember When Infidelity Mattered to the Right front, Stormy Daniels says Michael Cohen violated the NDA in her $130,000 blackmail payoff agreement, so now she’s free to share all the gory details of how she blackmailed the President of the United States and did I mention that the President of the United States has a documented history of paying blackmail and why doesn’t that bother Trey Gowdy more?

And we even learned of ANOTHER affair, including details of Shartboy’s factory-like accountability-avoidance operation.

You keep waiting for the Religious Right to do something silly like, y’know, actually adhering to their (loudly) professed values, but no amount of sexual misconduct seems to be enough to make them turn on their Processed Cheese Food Herod.

…maybe when they find about his collection of aborted fetuses.

But I doubt it.

Oh, and we learned that the Poo Mistake’s Hilariously Under-Attended Inauguration/American Carnage Hullabaloo committee donated only 5 million bucks to charity, while passing more than five times as much on to Melania’s event planner chum, because the family that grifts together…fuck, I can’t rhyme that. I’ve been drinking.

Mitt Romney’s Hair announced a run for the Utah Senate seat that Orrin Hatch is slowly disintegrating from. Mittens looks forward to championing Whatever It Is He Thinks You Want to Hear, Utah. He’ll be taking over not only Orrin’s seat, but Jeff Flake’s empty suit. YAY.

Well, we finally found out why Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was so desperate to use the Might of the Memo to sink the Mueller investigation. Yes, the Bobadook dropped another stack of indictments today, this time of 13 Russian individuals and organizations.

Yes, despite months of assurances from Tangerine Idi Amin that this whole Russia thing was invented by bitter Democrats to explain away their vanquishing at his tiny, tiny, hands/second-place vote total, there seems to be substantial proof of a massive criminal conspiracy of Russian meddling in our elections, designed to damage Our Madame Hilldawg and benefit a certain Festering Crotch Tumor.

Government Cheese Goebbels proudly proclaimed himself totally exonerated of all wrongdoing, which is a weird thing to say when the appropriate answer is “Our nation was a attacked, and I, your President, will punish the perpetrators and prevent future attacks.”

It goes without saying that all of the alleged proofs of Trumpal innocence were exactly as real as that GM factory in Detroit. Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein gave a little press conference, carefully repeating “in THIS indictment,” because this ballgame ain’t close to over. Fuck, only the Special Counsel and his team even know what inning we’re in.

Anyway, kudos to Mueller and co. for backing Team Shart into a corner here; now that proof of Russian fuckery is on the table, Donnie Two-Scoops can’t shut down the investigation without switching out his MAGA cap for a “Treason is the Swellest” propeller beanie.

Before we move on…HEY. Jill Stein voters. I FUCKING SEE YOU. You see this shit where you were made the willing puppets of a Russian intel op, no better than the rubiest rube in the cheapest MAGA hat? Yeah. You were already morons, but now you’re Puppet Morons, which is worse, because I capitalized “Puppet” and “Morons.”

If anybody reading this voted for Jill Stein, and isn’t eating shit right now, may I recommend you pour yourself a heapin’ bowl of shit and dig right in?

So it turns out there was a protocol failure on a tip sent to FBI about the Parkland shooter, and Governor Rick Scott helpfully suggested this was ample reason for FBI Director/Trump obstacle Christopher Wray to resign, and be replaced by Trey Gowdy or that boy who fucks pigs, perhaps. “And take that Rosenstein kid with ya!” shouted Scott, because hey, why not dream big?

And of course Littlefinger scampered down to Marm-a-Lago for the weekend, cuz nothing eases the caught-in-a-treasonous-conspiracy blues quite like redistributing taxpayer money from the Treasury to your own pocket.

He took the briefest of detours to the community shattered by a gunman’s madness, spending SIX WHOLE FUCKING MINUTES visiting victims in a nearby hospital, before stopping by the local sheriff’s office just long enough to deliver a few remarks inappropriate enough to make a sociopaths convention cringe.

But yeah, an hour or so, and a couple of easy photo ops, then off to GOLF, because he’s afraid of children, grieving their lost friends and classmates. Afraid of them, because his staff has seen them on social media, demanding action, demanding gun control, demanding that what happened to them never happens to any other children in this country ever again.

And our President is simply too frightened of these teenagers to even stand in the same room. So he’s just hangin’ out at his club, not enforcing sanctions. Cool.

Never forget, for all his other failings, which are PLENTIFUL…Donald Trump is a coward. Just a pathetic, trembling, coward.

I’m just saying, if you’re afraid of high school kids, maybe you don’t have what it takes to be President. But that’s why y’all come to this blog, right? For the CONTROVERSY.

Anyway, let me leave you with a request. Let’s kick a few bucks to Everytown. To Moms Demand Action. To the DCCC. Let’s vote the NRA’s blood-stained stooges straight off this fucking planet.