Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Mueller Sends Late Valentines to 13 Russian Friends, and Other News
This was supposed to be an easy, pleasant, weekend. I was gonna get to see BLACK PANTHER, which would bring me as much joy as it brought Ben Shapiro existential terror.
But no, the Madness intervened yet again, so here I sit, with a six pack and the internet’s all-you-can-stomach news buffet. Wheeeeee.
So the Republican Party is back to doing what it does best; increasing human suffering! This time, the House GOP voted to undermine the Americans with Disabilities Act, because…fuck it, I don’t have any jokes. Because they’re bad people, ok?
With the tax bill, and the immigration debate, and gun control, and health care, and Trump, and all the other shit they’ve put us through this last year-and-change, let’s just call a spade a spade. These are shitty people, and they do shitty things. There. I said it. I feel great.
Anyhoo, see where the Velveeta Urinal Cake gave himself a sturdy pat on the back for getting GM to relocate a factory from South Korea to Detroit, only that isn’t a thing that’s actually happening because he just made it up?
I only bring this up to mention that my chain of Bathrobe-and-Luchador-Mask shops will soon be expanding into not only Detroit, but Oz, Latveria, Narnia, and Arrakis.
A little light grifting over at the Department of Veterans affairs, where the Secretary’s Chief of Staff resigned after getting caught doctoring e-mails to force upon the American people the privilege of paying for the Secretary’s wife’s vacation. Honestly, this seems hardly worth mentioning amidst the larger crimes of this cabal. Call me when you build a soundproof booth in your office, you fucking amateurs.
Speaking of Scott Pruitt, he says that because he got yelled at a couple of times, he’s entitled to a taxpayer-funded first class safe space whenever he travels. Pruitt added that it’s “really cool that Americans are willing to work so hard to provide me with the extra leg room and all those little tiny wine bottles. I’d thank you all, but I’m kind of a dick.”
Turning things over to our gossip columnist for a moment, look out ladies! It seems Rob Porter is back on the market!
…seriously, though. Look out. He’s a serial domestic abuser, and I imagine he’s unusually angry these days, even by his own standards. If you see Rob Porter, just call the police. Unless you have mace, in which case, mace him, and then call the police.
The fallout of the Porter shitstorm also turned up more than 100 Shart House staffers working without permanent security clearances. So yeah, you’re looking at intelligence at the highest levels of classification being handled by…who the fuck knows? An oh-so-blackmailable wife-beater, and Jared Kushner, who just amended his security forms AGAIN because he keeps forgetting all the places he owes money? Dang, I feel safe.
I seem to remember some allegations of irresponsible handling of classified information being brought up once or twice during Hillary Clinton’s campaign, but…y’know, I read a lot of stuff, I may just be imagining that.
Oh hey, Paul Manafort’s sidekick rolled over on him? That Gates fellah? He’s working on a plea deal and cooperating with the Mueller investigation? That’s fun!
Hope you enjoyed that last Thanksgiving, Paulie, because now more than ever, you are truly…#Manafucked.
(Even more #Manafucked than I thought, I guess. While I was drafting, Bashful Bob turned up fresh new evidence of bank fraud on the former Drumpf campaign head’s part. I’m starting to think there’s something fishy about this Manafort fellow.)
Laura Ingraham has some ideas on who’s allowed to have political opinions, and SPOILERZ, it certainly isn’t black people!
Laura wants everyone to understand how super-deluxe-un-racist she is, even as she demands that LeBron James and Kevin Durant shut their (black) mouths and keep their (black) opinions to their (black) selves.
Yes, this is the same Ingraham that gave Trump a Nazi salute at the RNC back when we all still thought Americans were too decent to elect a Malignant HateClown President, by the way.
If you blinked, you probably missed the immigration “debate” Mitch McConnell, in his gracious majesty, permitted on the floor of the Senate. Since the Grifter Grand Wizard announced his intentions to veto any bill that didn’t qualify as Pornography Custom-Made for Klansmen, two compromise bills with bipartisan support failed to overcome a Racist Shitbag, excuse me, “Republican Party” filibuster.
Of course, Trump’s preferred bill (The “Stephen Miller Thinks It’s So Sexy He Printed Out a Copy to Rub Sensually Across His Giant Bald Spot Act of 2018″) failed hardest of all, managing only 39 votes. In related news, 39 Republican Senators are not so very different from the Very Fine People of the Charlottesville marches.
As you know, there was another horrific school shooting, with 17 fatalities. I don’t understand how this happened, friends. I mean, after the last mass shooting, we did precisely nothing, so WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
Well, I’m sure the Absolutely Nothing we do this time will work much better than all the previous Absolutely Nothings.
Fat Q*Bert, like a good little NRA stooge, was quick to point to the shooter’s mental health in the immediate aftermath, hoping no one would remember that time he signed a bill making it easier for people with mental illnesses to buy guns, or that time he called for massive cuts to mental health treatment.
And Senator Marco Rubio, notoriously Jell-O-legged on literally everything else, declared with the confidence of Moses walking down from the mountain that anyone who’s ever committed a mass shooting would have absolutely found some magical method to kill exactly the same the number of people as they did with the assault rifles we make so readily available for reasons that defy sanity.
When asked to provide anything even remotely resembling evidence for the claim he pulled directly out his ass, Senator Rubio said, “No further comment, I have to spend the rest of the afternoon counting all the money the NRA has donated to my campaigns. If you guys could just play this interview on loop next time somebody murders a bunch of kids with an assault rifle, we can all save ourselves a bunch of time and hassle, k?”
If that guy in Las Vegas didn’t have his bump stock, he’d just have slaughtered those 58 human beings with blow darts, right, Marco?
Somehow Rubio isn’t even the biggest asshole shooting his mouth-sphincter off about Why Guns Are the Real Victim of This Mass Shooting. Meet North Carolina State Representative Larry Pittman, (Guess his party. Just GUESS.) who suggests we need to keep an eye on “Communist Democrats,” who are shooting up schools so they’ll have an excuse to take away Larry Pittman’s armory and take over the country, and then, no doubt, THE WORLD.
Net-Neutrality-Castrating Douchebag Ajit Pai seems to be under investigation for maybe just maybe improperly castrating net neutrality for the benefit of Sinclair Broadcasting.
I tell you what, the handful of Drump appointees who AREN’T under investigation are starting to suffer from Inspector General Envy. Sonny Perdue is now conspicuously stuffing his pockets with office supplies on the way out the door every day. Rick Perry keeps having too-loud phone conversations with Saudi Princes, offering to sell them Texas oil fields in exchange for shiny beads.
On the Remember When Infidelity Mattered to the Right front, Stormy Daniels says Michael Cohen violated the NDA in her $130,000 blackmail payoff agreement, so now she’s free to share all the gory details of how she blackmailed the President of the United States and did I mention that the President of the United States has a documented history of paying blackmail and why doesn’t that bother Trey Gowdy more?
And we even learned of ANOTHER affair, including details of Shartboy’s factory-like accountability-avoidance operation.
You keep waiting for the Religious Right to do something silly like, y’know, actually adhering to their (loudly) professed values, but no amount of sexual misconduct seems to be enough to make them turn on their Processed Cheese Food Herod.
…maybe when they find about his collection of aborted fetuses.
But I doubt it.
Oh, and we learned that the Poo Mistake’s Hilariously Under-Attended Inauguration/American Carnage Hullabaloo committee donated only 5 million bucks to charity, while passing more than five times as much on to Melania’s event planner chum, because the family that grifts together…fuck, I can’t rhyme that. I’ve been drinking.
Mitt Romney’s Hair announced a run for the Utah Senate seat that Orrin Hatch is slowly disintegrating from. Mittens looks forward to championing Whatever It Is He Thinks You Want to Hear, Utah. He’ll be taking over not only Orrin’s seat, but Jeff Flake’s empty suit. YAY.
Well, we finally found out why Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was so desperate to use the Might of the Memo to sink the Mueller investigation. Yes, the Bobadook dropped another stack of indictments today, this time of 13 Russian individuals and organizations.
Yes, despite months of assurances from Tangerine Idi Amin that this whole Russia thing was invented by bitter Democrats to explain away their vanquishing at his tiny, tiny, hands/second-place vote total, there seems to be substantial proof of a massive criminal conspiracy of Russian meddling in our elections, designed to damage Our Madame Hilldawg and benefit a certain Festering Crotch Tumor.
Government Cheese Goebbels proudly proclaimed himself totally exonerated of all wrongdoing, which is a weird thing to say when the appropriate answer is “Our nation was a attacked, and I, your President, will punish the perpetrators and prevent future attacks.”
It goes without saying that all of the alleged proofs of Trumpal innocence were exactly as real as that GM factory in Detroit. Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein gave a little press conference, carefully repeating “in THIS indictment,” because this ballgame ain’t close to over. Fuck, only the Special Counsel and his team even know what inning we’re in.
Anyway, kudos to Mueller and co. for backing Team Shart into a corner here; now that proof of Russian fuckery is on the table, Donnie Two-Scoops can’t shut down the investigation without switching out his MAGA cap for a “Treason is the Swellest” propeller beanie.
Before we move on…HEY. Jill Stein voters. I FUCKING SEE YOU. You see this shit where you were made the willing puppets of a Russian intel op, no better than the rubiest rube in the cheapest MAGA hat? Yeah. You were already morons, but now you’re Puppet Morons, which is worse, because I capitalized “Puppet” and “Morons.”
If anybody reading this voted for Jill Stein, and isn’t eating shit right now, may I recommend you pour yourself a heapin’ bowl of shit and dig right in?
So it turns out there was a protocol failure on a tip sent to FBI about the Parkland shooter, and Governor Rick Scott helpfully suggested this was ample reason for FBI Director/Trump obstacle Christopher Wray to resign, and be replaced by Trey Gowdy or that boy who fucks pigs, perhaps. “And take that Rosenstein kid with ya!” shouted Scott, because hey, why not dream big?
And of course Littlefinger scampered down to Marm-a-Lago for the weekend, cuz nothing eases the caught-in-a-treasonous-conspiracy blues quite like redistributing taxpayer money from the Treasury to your own pocket.
He took the briefest of detours to the community shattered by a gunman’s madness, spending SIX WHOLE FUCKING MINUTES visiting victims in a nearby hospital, before stopping by the local sheriff’s office just long enough to deliver a few remarks inappropriate enough to make a sociopaths convention cringe.
But yeah, an hour or so, and a couple of easy photo ops, then off to GOLF, because he’s afraid of children, grieving their lost friends and classmates. Afraid of them, because his staff has seen them on social media, demanding action, demanding gun control, demanding that what happened to them never happens to any other children in this country ever again.
And our President is simply too frightened of these teenagers to even stand in the same room. So he’s just hangin’ out at his club, not enforcing sanctions. Cool.
Never forget, for all his other failings, which are PLENTIFUL…Donald Trump is a coward. Just a pathetic, trembling, coward.
I’m just saying, if you’re afraid of high school kids, maybe you don’t have what it takes to be President. But that’s why y’all come to this blog, right? For the CONTROVERSY.