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Couple polls show FL-15 is much closer than expected, so I’m working up a new entry for the ol’ action guide and anyway what I'm trying to tell you is that I just spilled beer on my own head.
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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

This New ‘Santorum Says’ Advice Column is Gonna Be LIT

Monday, March 26th, 2018

Gosh, it’s been almost quiet lately. Reading the news today, I’ve barely banged my head on the keyboard in despair and frustration enough to break the skin!

Mike Pants emerged from his bunker just long enough tap his boss on the shoulder and say “Excuse me your Normalsizedhandedness, I was wondering, if you weren’t too busy shitting on Hispanic people, could you maybe spare a moment to shit on transgender people, too? You didn’t get me anything for Xmas,” and then he batted his eyes coquettishly until the Shart agreed to take a fresh new stab at banning transgender troops from military service.

“Anything for you, Matt,” proclaimed the Bonespur Buttplug, who promptly signed the order. Then he dodged the draft one more time, just to be on the safe side.

Everybody knows only the most popular policies get their unveiling late Friday night. Like, “We interrupt this syndicated episode of That 70’s Show to bring you this crotch punt to civil rights and basic human decency.

A much-needed victory for the forces of decency as the March For Our Lives saw massive turnout worldwide! Hundreds of thousands took to the streets with their controversial “It is bad that people keep getting shot to death and we should do something about that” message, which is oddly somehow not universal.

As an added bonus, the Washington, D.C. chapter of the MFOL joined the prestigious list of Events That Outdrew the Velveeta Vulgarian’s Inauguration, alongside the Women’s March, Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s, and the Line to Ladies Room at Last Weekend’s Taylor Swift Concert.

The NRA crowd is…not taking this well. The old “buy off politicians who’ll stall any gun control legislation” strategy is on increasingly shaky ground. They can’t win any arguments on rational terms, because of course they’re just a confederation of frothy maniacal man-children who believe the occasional classroom slaughter is a completely fair price to pay to maintain their demented fantasy of murdering a bunch of American soldiers.

So, backed into a corner and hissing like the possum you found going through your garbage, they’ve settled on “Let’s demonize the fuck out of these teenage school shooting survivors” as their strategy. Yeah.

Look I didn’t say it was a GOOD strategy.

Steve King says that since Emma González has a Cuban flag patch on her jacket, she’s essentially Castro with Cantaloupe Calves. They’ve also doctored a GIF of Emma to make it look like she’s sneeringly tearing up the U.S. Constitution, because hey, once you’ve abandoned honesty and shame, why not go all out?

Oh, and they’ve decided that young David Hogg is basically Hitler now. Because he put his arm up in the air this one time. Hitler. The whole damn internet is full of right-wing psychopaths calling a kid who thinks other kids shouldn’t have to worry about being shot to death in school HITLER.

Alex Jones, never one for half measures, suggests the kids are part of a Soros-funded army that wants to kill all the gun owners. And that’s just silly. By the way, if you’re a gun owner, please leave your address in the comments. I promise you the teen I dispatch to your house is just selling candy bars to raise money for band uniforms.  Yes, she needs a knife to do that.  Just let her in.

In the midst of all this projectile idiocy, you know you could count on Rick Santorum to claim the jagoff dunce cap. Ricky is tired of these Cuck teens asking for Cuck laws to protect their Cuck lives! Why can’t you take some Personal Responsibility™️ and learn CPR so you can be a helpful first responder when your classroom gets shot to pieces? Yeah, this genius thinks every high school kid needs to be a combat medic, remember when he was winning Presidential primaries?

Gags aside, Santorum’s just parroting the unbelievable/ridiculous/depressing right-wing line on mass shootings; they’re just one o’ those things that happens, like a tornado or a hurricane, and therefore you can’t really prevent ‘em, just try to mitigate the damage. It’s such a comically bad-faith argument, you’d laugh if they didn’t have so much fucking blood on their hands.

…the real distressing theme here is that it seems like it’s the very dumbest people in the nation who are the most desperate to be heavily armed. There might be a solution in that, actually. What if we legally mandate that all firearms must be stored in gun safes, and you have to pass a test where you use “your” and “you’re” correctly in a sentence before it unlocks? That shit’d save lives.

Anyhoo, while the loons shriek and moan about whether folks call it a “magazine” or a “clip,” let’s follow the example of the March organizers, and get a whole bunch of gun sense voters registered to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

Meanwhile, Tangerine Idi Amin suddenly finds himself rather conspicuously under-lawyered for a guy up to his triple-chin in lawsuits. Operation: Hire the Angry Guy From the Magic Television Box fell through, and all the tweets in the world can’t change the fact that nobody wants to represent a traitor who doesn’t pay his bills.

Anyway, he got rejected by another couple of lawyers today, who said they’d love to represent the President, but they’re washing their hair that night. Also, one of the previous lawyers (who said he just had a lot of homework to catch up on, finals are coming up, otherwise I’d totally be down) went on tv to talk about how abnormal and crazy Boss Shart is. When you ask a lawyer to represent you, and his answer isn’t just “No,” but “No, and I’m going on television to shit all over your face,” you know you’ve got problems.

Plus, Donnie Two-Scoops is extra stressed because he finally had to expel a bunch of Russian diplomats today, just to keep up appearances, but that means Daddy Vlad is gonna get mad, and probably withhold his allowance this week.

Hey, the Secretary of Treasury doesn’t know how the Constitution works, that’s neat! Yep, ol’ Mnuchbag was out on the Sunday Shoz to talk about how his boss wants a line-item veto to play with. “Yeah, but that’s unconstitutional, SCOTUS said so,” the host informed him, and Steve went, “I think Donnie should have a line-item veto if he wants one,” and the host was all “Do you have shit in your ears, it’s unconstitutional,” and Steve-O goes, “Well, that’s like, just your opinion, man,” and all four faces on Mount Rushmore started crying tears of blood.

The mean ol’ Supreme Court of Pennsylvania told Republicans they don’t get to painstakingly handpick their own voters anymore, and now Ryan Costello is taking his ball (and his 93% rating from the NRA) and going home. I miss him already.

The Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes interview aired Sunday night, and OK I GET IT HE WANTS TO FUCK HIS DAUGHTER CAN WE MAYBE AGREE IT’S SOMETHING WE ALL KNOW AND JUST NEVER TALK ABOUT AGAIN ESPECIALLY IN THE CONTEXT OF HIM TELLING WOMEN THEY REMIND HIM OF HER BEFORE HE BOINKS THEM?

She also said that she doesn’t find Sharty McFly attractive, which is weird, because he’s basically a stack of asses that’s been spray-tanned, with a dead prairie dog on top, what’s sexier than that?

Oh, and some goon threatened her and her daughter, isn’t it neat that the President of the United States behaves like a goony mob movie boss? And not a good mob movie, either. One where they couldn’t get De Niro or Gandolfini, so they settled for Danny Aiello.

Mark Zuckerberg has been “invited” to testify before a couple of Congressional committees, which should be extra fun as we keep learning about all the data they’ve been secretly harvesting over at th’Facebook. Yes, they’ve got our phone calls and our text messages, probably some stray thoughts about your seventh grade math teacher who looked younger because she had braces.

Still, all this data and all they can think to do with it is try to sell me sweatpants that look like dress pants.

Word at Interior is, Secretary Ryan Zinke isn’t having any of this “diversity” guff, because he prefers “excellence,” and if he just happens to define “excellence” as “white dudes who keep their mouths shut while I grift this department blind,” well, so be it.

Yeah, Cowboy Z clearly believes in excellence, as demonstrated by his travel budget. And his door budget. You best believe those $140,000 doors, when they’re finished, are getting painted WHITE

And now Stormy’s suing Michael Cohen for defamation, which couldn’t come at a worse time for anyone, because Donnie Dotard was just about to ask his lawyer if he could borrow his lawyer’s lawyer.

I keep seeing articles about Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship surging in the polls for the West Virginia Republican Senate primary, and I start to fear that we haven’t even sniffed the bottom of the barrel when it comes to depravity of the GOP base. I can almost imagine Drumpf getting primaried from the RIGHT, by Harvey Weinstein with Dylann Roof as his running mate, with some sort of hideous pro-cancer, let’s-outlaw-kittens platform. By mid-century, the Speaker of the House will be a damaged clone of Paul Ryan, who will attempt to reallocate the entire budget to research the Anti-Life Equation.

And now it seems Shart House lawyers are investigating several suspicious-as-fuck loans to the Kushner family bizness to see if young Jar-Jar has maybe been tabling the whole “Peace in the Middle East” thing in favor of the “Please bail my shitty family out of financial trouble, I have access to classified intelligence I’ll tell you whatever you want to know” thing. If they find evidence of wrongdoing, I’m sure they’ll just promote the fucker, like they did with Kellyanne Conway.

I see where Littlefinger wants to bring Rob Porter back, I guess because he misses those long fireside chats about abusing women. Dear god.

Fine. Bring ‘em all back. Porter and Mike Flynn and Seb Gorka and let’s dig up Roy Cohn, prop him up in the corner, and make him Chief of Staff. Burn it all down before Bolton even shows up for first day of work, THAT’D SHOW ‘EM.

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!

14 hours ago
Couple polls show FL-15 is much closer than expected, so I’m working up a new entry for the ol’ action guide and anyway what I'm trying to tell you is that I just spilled beer on my own head.
18 hours ago
Unbelievable. Literally. https://t.co/oG9eiwNBzO
CapShower photo
Reuters Top News @Reuters
MORE: Saudi Arabia says a fight broke out between Khashoggi and people who met him in the consulate and led to his death https://t.co/5Ot1RYM5E7
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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