Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
New Year’s Insanity Round-Up: Somebody Tell Rubio He’s a Senator, Plus Get Ready to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!
Well, we finally dragged 2017, raving, syphilitic, and oozing pus, out behind the shed and gave it two right between the eyes. Suck it, Old Yeller. And Baby 2018, perhaps still blissfully unaware of what’s in store for it, gurgles, smiles, and shits its pants.
Let’s dig through that diaper, Resisters…for therein shall we find the stinky horror we call…the news.
The Failing New York Times reports that young George Papaderpaderp apparently slipped free of his chaperone one night, got fucked up on Zima, and blabbed to a high-ranking Australian diplomat about how his mail-order Russian girlfriend was offering to wear a sexy negligee made of Hillary Clinton’s e-mails for him, and then the Aussies called up the FBI once Russian-hacked e-mails started leaking to the media, and said “You should totally arrest that one pimply coffee boy, he is a traitor and also so very very dumb.”
Now the droolier maniacs in the right wing media have been curiously attached to the theory that the Steele Dossier is a product of some liberal arts college’s writer’s workshop, and that Christopher Steele threw in the bit with the piss hookers to sell screenplay rights, but this story (and others, frankly) drives a fuck-ton of nails into that particular coffin.
And of course, no explanation for the investigation’s origin can wash away the reality of the four indicted men, especially not the two have confessed. To felonies. Still, I anticipate Hannity and co. will accept this new information and behave accordingly, and honorably.
Also, I have a small quantity of magic beans for sale.
Our old pal (Ex) Sheriff Dave found time for one last spittle-drenched meltdown before the calendar flipped over. Y’see, CNN reported that the FBI obtained a search warrant to go through Crackerjack Prize Mussolini’s e-mail during an investigation into his petty bullying of a private citizen who committed the high crime of shaking his head at the wannabe concentration camp commandant who would shortly quit his Sheriff’s job in shame.
Why is Clarke so pissed about this? Well, it means the FBI probably has his porn history now; a tragic, failed, decades-long search for some man, ANY man, anywhere, with a smaller wee-wee than himself.
Anyway, the Bedazzled Bobby threw a mighty tantrum on the Twitter machine, threatened to tie all us libtards up to die in his jail like a baby. It was all quite pathetic and laughable, but I’m sure Dave-O treated himself to a shiny new piece of costume jewelry, perhaps even a decoder ring.
Government Cheese Goebbels fired the last members of an HIV/AIDS advisory panel, likely as part of Stephen Miller’s Hail Mary to save Team Drumpf from the coming electoral shellacking by impeding voter turnout via killing off as many Americans as possible.
And Marshmallow-Spined Pretty Boy Marco Rubio casually opined that the sham tax reform bill he voted for prolly went a wee bit overboard in handing everybody’s money to his corporate masters.
Your hindsight is precisely as useful as the rest of your life in public service, Senator. Maybe next time your epiphany could come in time to INFLUENCE THE FUCKING LEGISLATION. Which is, y’know…kinda your entire fucking job.
If Marco decided to pursue a post-Senate career as a doorstop, it would be the most useful work he’s done in his entire life.
A lil’ while back, Shart Garfunkel threw a little fit about China circumventing sanctions to give North Korea oil. Typical Littlefinger, some empty threats, some posturing for the benefit of the rubes who mistake screaming for strength. (Call it the Sheriff Dave Playbook.)
Well, then Russia got caught giving fuel to North Korea via at-sea transfers, or, y’know, doing that exact thing he accused the Chinese of, and he was…totally silent.
One of the fun things about the Putin/Trump relationship is how Vlad periodically just bitch-slaps our President in public to remind everyone who’s boss. I just want a President who isn’t quite so much of a fucking CUCK, y’know?
Senator (Mean) Jeanne Shaheen apparently got banned from Russia for being tough on Russia, and she was all, “Oh no, now I will have to buy cheap imitation borscht from the corner store and also figure out where to put this enormous political gift you dumbasses gave me, because I look like a Goddamn American Hero now and all I did was try to board a flight.”
Senators Ron Johnson and John Barrasso also cancelled their trips, allegedly in solidarity with Shaheen, but also because Johnson forgot which way the door to the Senate restroom opened, and missed his cab.
Resisters, I’ve seen y’all turn up again and again this year, for cause after cause after cause. For women. For health care. For science. For Virginia. For Doug Jones in Alabama.
Well, your country needs you again.
You see, indicted Drumpf campaign official/Manafort associate Rick Gates wanted to go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the mean ol’ Mueller investigation wouldn’t let him, JUST CUZ HE’S UNDER HOUSE ARREST. This is NOT the America I grew up in! Who, I ask you, WHO WILL THINK OF THE INDICTED MONEY LAUNDERERS?
As a side note, I have to look up this dude’s name every time he comes up in the news. It’d make it easier on everyone if he just legally changed his name to “Manafort Associate,” dont’cha think?
Seems some rich folks down in Palm Beach are all pissy because Il Douche got a helicopter landing pad built down at his chintzy golf club that he’s only allowed to use for Official Presidentshul Bizness, but Shart Organization ‘copters are landing there for god knows what reason, perhaps thwarted Melania escape attempts.
Anyway, it is apparently super-distressing for the crustless triangle sandwich crowd, and they are complaining! Welcome to the Resistance, Spoiled Rich Folks! Vive la Golf Club Etiquette!
We’ve got some massive upheaval in Iran, I see. And the Living Garbage Pail Kid hoots and hollers about the human right to protest, and it sounds great, until you remember he’s spent the entire year feebly trying to stamp out a protest movement on American soil.
Oh, and all that assaulting the free press for refusing to bow to his will.
Oh, and I almost forget about how he banned anyone from Iran from entering the U.S.
But hey, he cut-n’-pasted Sarah Sanders’ tweet, so I’m sure his concern is sincere. Super deluxe sincere. With sprinkles. And a maraschino cherry.
Getting back to that travel ban for a second, I see the shitheel that murdered a cop in Colorado a few days back was another raging, Pepe-flinging, white supremacist from the alt-right jagosphere. Again and again, we keep banning refugees while shitty Nazi losers keep committing acts of terrorism right here on American soil.
I say let’s give ’em what they want. Let ’em have their own country. On that giant wad of plastic floating in the Pacific. EVERYBODY WINS.
Let’s also give ’em the petulant manchild who got an innocent man killed in a SWAT “prank” because he was upset over a video game. And the cop who fired the fatal shots.
The Shart Administration delivered one last Fuck You to the American people as the clock ran out, backing out of the Gateway Tunnel deal, because Chris Christie couldn’t get the McDonald’s bag back to HQ before the fries get cold, that CUCK.
I guess Infrastructure Week was mostly about taunting America with all the shit Hillary Clinton would’ve built.
Anyway, the Candycorn Skidmark attended a 750-bucks-a-head Marm-a-Lago New Year’s Eve Party/Influence Auction! A last minute bargain for the lobbyist in YOUR life!
Hey, guess what? I’d never have believed it, but Donald J. Trump, (The “J” stands for “Please Let Me Touch My Daughter’s Butt”) finally did something to create jobs for working class! Yup yup, Shartboy’s sending thousands of new troops into the meatgrinder men call Afghanistan! That thar Graveyard of Empires never reckoned on a know-nothing sociopath casually tossing other people’s children to their doom like so many peanut shells! I bet this decade-plus war is ALL SORTED OUT by June.
…especially since President Crotchvoid rage-tweeted at long-time ally Pakistan, offhandedly destabilizing a region with its very own nuclear standoff, probably because India sent him an Xmas card that played “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” when it opened, and Pakistan just sent socks and a fruitcake.
KKKris KKKobach checked in with an update on his Kooky Kulling Kommission, and I guess his merry band of autocrats haven’t had a spare moment to suss out just how much the new poll tax should be, they’re just so buried under lawsuits from all those pesky Patriots protecting their precious “right to vote.”
Hey, if Excessive Paperwork defeats this wannabe fascist, I say we give Bureaucracy the Presidential Medal of Freedom. As soon as we chase that bloated gangster from the White House, that is.
Anyhow, your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap caught a cold, the coughing and fever is incredibly annoying, and I’d like to drift into a NyQuil coma now.
But before I start hallucinating, let me take one last moment to celebrate the arrival of 2018. It’s finally here, the year when we get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
Tell me Resisters, what’re YOU gonna do to swell that Blue Wave growing on the horizon?