Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
None of this is really happening, right? RIGHT?
How crazy is shit these days? Well, they’re exhuming Salvador Dali. They are literally DIGGING UP SALVADOR DALI’S BODY AND HE WILL LEAD AN ARMY OF ZOMBIE SURREALISTS THAT SHALL SWEEP ACROSS THIS EARTH AND DESTROY THE WORLD OF SANITY FOR ALL TIME.
Fuck, y’all, I can’t even figure out Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk’s tweets anymore. One day Russian interference is fake news and a hoax, the next it happened but I guess it’s Obama’s fault because…shit, I can’t fucking figure out why. Like, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I think I’ve got like, an ingenious idea for the next HBO serial, and I write it down and go back to sleep and when I wake up my notepad says “NHL Playoffs – but with Pandas!!!!” and I’m forced to come to terms with the fact that my barely-awake self is perhaps not quite Hemingway. Not Shart Garfunkel, tho. He fires those thoughts straight off into the official Presidential record.
Further Shart House spin holds that the Candycorn Skidmark was SUPER CLEVER in using his totally-made-up story about having tapes of their conversations to deviously trick James Comey into…into…into confirming every detail of the story that he’s been telling all along, only under oath, and also getting Bob Mueller appointed Special Counsel and getting the President investigated for obstruction of justice…? I guess? Yeah, he’s a real goddamn chess master, that Donald Trump.
Over the weekend, the Marmalade Shartcannon sat out Pride and refused to continue the tradition of hosting an iftar dinner during Ramadan, but he sure did golf a whole fucking bunch.
To really drive home just where the administration’s priorities lie, they’re defunding the State Department office that monitors and combats anti-semitism abroad, and, somewhat cartoonishly, DHS cut off funding for a program that helps people transition away from White Supremacist hate organizations. Hey, you can’t expect a guy to shrink his own base, AMIGHT?
Speaking of the weekend and white supremacists, Team Shart turned out not one, but two hilariously-under-attended “rallies” in D.C. on Sunday. For a little extra comedy, the two wee-as-their-God-Emperor’s-hands gatherings decided to go to war…with each other! It seems RIchard Spencer’s pathetic American Nazis and Jack Posobiec’s Shakespeare-fearing Shartkins each think the other faction is super-lame! In a bit of fun irony, they’re BOTH RIGHT! Anyhow, they’re yelling at one another on twitter, waving competing Gasden Flags and generally making asses of themselves, as is their habit.
Also, in perhaps the most stunning news in all of human history, it seems as though Jared Kushner was not able to bring peace to the Middle East.
(This space left blank to allow the reader time to recover from inevitable fainting spell)
It seems Jar-Jar, as a representative of the U.S. government, went to Mahmoud Abbas of Palestine with a list of Bibi’s demands, which didn’t go over so well. You can’t blame Jared, tho…it’s not like ANYONE WHO’S DONE TWELVE MINUTES OF READING ON THE SUBJECT COULD’VE TOLD YOU HOW COLOSSALLY FUCKING STUPID THAT WOULD BE MY GOD JARED HOW DO YOU EVEN GET YOUR PANTS ON YOU FUCKING IDIOT?
Or wait, maybe it is.
(Jared is also probably still embarrassed that he held a press conference and allowed the world to hear his weenie little castrato voice, but he did, and we can all laugh at him forever now.)
Gowdy Doody took over the Oversight gavel, and promptly announced that he won’t be doing anything to investigate Russia, or the President’s blatant obstruction of justice, cuz after all, Drumpf is not a Democrat.
In the background, a few voices in the Right Wing Media Bubba-uhl seem to have, through some miracle, hit simultaneously on the talking point that “So what if Donnie Darko collaborated with a hostile foreign power to win election! There’s nothing illegal or wrong about that!” (It is both super illegal and super wrong.) If this is what passes for “getting out ahead of a story” these days, heaven help us all.
Didja see that shit where the Failing New York Times published a full-page list of All the President’s Lies? What’ll be extra fun is next week when they find some out-of-work coal miner in Pennsylvania, and run down that list one by one, revealing he believes every single lie is gospel truth and that the lamestream media is composed entirely of Hollywood lesbian terrorist refugee atheists.
Sean Spicer continues to hide his shameful love handles by banning cameras during press briefings. Jim Acosta remains pissed and pissy about this development; my sources tell me plans to settle the issue with Spicer INSIDE A STEEL CAGE AT SUMMERSLAM. (There was a fun little bit of trolling where CNN invited a courtroom sketch artist in, and y’know what they say, Sean, the sketch artist adds 15 pounds, and O how we will laugh at this when they start throwing journalists in prison!)
I guess ol’ Sergey Kislyak is takin’ the last train to Moscow, and headin’ home! Seems Daddy Vlad has recalled him. I dunno, in spite of all the ongoing controversy, that seems unnecessary, since apparently no member of the Republican Party can ever recall being in a room with Sergey, which I assume is his mutant power.
Princess Ivanka went on Fux and Frendz to say she tries to stay out of politics, despite having a job in the White House, which I can only assume is an attempt to Gaslight me personally. Well it won’t work, Ivanka! I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I LEFT THAT BROOCH, AND YOU’LL NEVER TELL ME ANY DIFFERENT!!!!!!!
Oh hey, it was SCOTUS decision day, and we finally got to meet Neil Gorsuch, Unremovable Arbiter of All American Law For Life. The good news is, he’s an absolute monster, who thinks guns have more rights than LGBT Americans; he may as well be Scalia’s brain transplanted in a younger body, and he’ll be on the fucking bench for decades.
Wait, did I see good news? That’s the bad news. The good news I JUST SAVED A FUCKTON OF MONEY ON MY CAR INSURANCE HAW HAW HAW HAW HOPE EVERYONE ENJOYS HAVING REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS WHILE THEY’VE GOT ‘EM.
Speaking of SCOTUS, they kinda sorta held up a watered down version of the watered down version of the Shart’s travel ban. The ban was supposed to be a temporary fix while the administration figured out XXXtreme vetting or some shit, and that deadline was weeks ago, but who’s counting? Anyhow, since we’ve all been overwhealmed by the tidal wave of refugee-born violence that the Ban was supposed to prevent, I guess it’s THANKS FOR NUTHIN’, SUPREMES.
Oh wait, what’s that? No refugees or visitors from the travel ban countries have done anyone any harm? Even though white supremacists are running amok, coast to coast?
The big gnus, of course, is still Mitch McConnell’s attempt at one-stop serial killer immortality.
There weren’t too many GOPers willing to defend the bill on the Sunday Shoz, mostly because selling this massive-upwards-redistribution-of-wealth-bill as a “health care” reform without breaking down in Austin-Powers-villain-style laughter is much, much harder than it looks. Still, a few tried.
Knowing that a bill that kicks millions off of their insurance and cuts billions for Medicaid will be cripplingly unpopular, they just marched out and told everyone that their bill neither kicks anybody off insurance nor makes any cuts to Medicaid. Naw, it gives people MORE insurance and also a pony and three boxes of Thin Mints and a handjob from a supermodel!
Hey, if their voters think Cheeto Himmler’s gonna get Mexico to pay for that border wall and that Podesta ran a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint, getting them to believe that Medicaid cuts aren’t Medicaid cuts really isn’t that heavy a lift.
In further evidence of his strategic genius SHARTUS told an interviewer that not only did he call the House version of the AHCA “mean,” but that BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA stole “mean” from him, which might be fair, since more folks are opting for words like “cruel,” “medieval,” or “murderous.” What can I say, Donnie? “Mean” really IS your brand.
Donnie insists he wants a bill with “Heart.” Heart…as in, a steady supply of human hearts for Steve Bannon to eat, after soaking them overnight in gin, of course.
Meanwhile, Kellyanne was all, hey, get a job, all you children, elderly and disabled folks, as well as the people who work at shitty companies like Wal-Mart that refuse to pay a living wage, because Kellyanne is a garbage human being who probably spends a substational chunk of her day hoping that Hell isn’t real.
Ron Johnson, a real intellectual heavyweight in the modern Republican Party, compared charging a person with a preexisting condition more for health insurance to charging a driver who gets into a wreck more for car insurance, which makes sense, because almost every baby born in America pops straight from Mom’s womb to the front seat of a Range Rover and goes on a coke-fueled joyride.
Anyhow, the CBO score dropped this afternoon, and it’s pretty much what you’d expect. 22 million more uninsured, with more to come once the Medicaid cuts kick in in earnest, higher premiums for shittier insurance, especially for the poor, but godDAMN do the rich get a sweet, sexxxxxxy tax break!
So far Dean Heller and Susan Collins have claimed the two get-out-of-jail-free cards, so Lisa Murkowski and Shelley Moore Capito are squirming a bit. On the other side of things, lunatics like Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are upset that the bill leaves too many takers alive, and even the feral clowns of the House Freedom Caucus insist that more American corpses be thrown atop their sacrificial pyre, because whatever God these bastards worship needs to bathe hourly in the blood of the senselessly dead, I guess.
Reuters tells us that the rest of the world hates us more and more every day under Tangerine Idi Amin’s reign. And that’s even AFTER he went to Saudi Arabia to harness the power of the mighty Orb. The effect is especially pronounced in our closest allies like Canada and Mexico, and the Shart himself is viewed less favorably than even his Uncle Vlad. Are we the bad guys now? Did we like, turn heel?
Well, if shit isn’t cray enough for ya, Martin Shkreli and Joe Arpaio are going on trial and Grover Norquist is tweeting stupid shit about sales tax and Justin Trudeau is high-fiving kids at the Pride Parade wearing rainbow socks which isn’t fair, I remember when we had a cool President, and didn’t live in fucking Bizarro WestWingland, fuck you Canada.