Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Obviously Super-Healthy When Your Party Tells You “There Are More Important Things Than Living”
So, on a scale of 1 to The Shining, how’re you handling your quarantine? I’m holding up reasonably well at the moment, but let’s just say I’m glad there are no axes in the house. All blog and no beer makes Cap a dull boy indeed. Anyhoo, let’s do the news, yeah?
Small astroturfed mobs of feral nitwits, egged on by the wealthiest yammering heads in the right-wing jagoffosphere, continued their over-publicized tantrum-throwing, whining about haircuts and free refills, because the only remaining conservative values are selfishness and self-pity. To Shart House economic advisor Stephen Moore, this flock of easily-manipulated rubes is basically a whole army of Rosa Parks, because he understands civil rights about as well as he does economics.
Somehow, defying the very laws of time and space, Tea Party 2.0 is even dumber than the original, having taken the plunge into full-on death cultism. “Fire Fauci” chants popped up at one protest because, as everyone knows, bad news magically disappears when you shoot the messenger. My only regret is that my commitment to social distancing will keep me from laughing my way through these assclowns’ funerals in person.
Y’know, if we make it through this shitshow, come summer 2022, movie theatres will be overflowing with action-thrillers portraying America’s governors-turned-smugglers, developing and executing intricate schemes to evade the Turdmaggot Administration’s seizure operations to deliver lifesaving PPE to their state’s hospitals. Can’t you see it now? Sylvester Stallone is…LARRY HOGAN.
President Sphinctermouth, in one of his more unhinged moments at the Daily Propaganda Spew, sneeringly referred to the FBI investigators who built the cases against his buddies, Pernicious Paul Manafort and Wretched Roger Stone, as “human scum,” owing to his sincere religious belief that felonies committed by rich white dudes shouldn’t count. Now, the GOP has abandoned any number of long-held “principles” for their new Turd Emperor, but watching their evolution from “tough on crime” to “tough on law enforcement” has been…somethin’. At the RNC, they’re gonna adopt a platform that’s just a paperback copy of The Turner Diaries with a Post-it note reading “All this, plus lower taxes on the wealthy.”
Another feature of the DPS is, of course, the sad, lazy, gaslighting. “Hey, we don’t have enough testing,” cry the nation’s governors. “Yes you do,” bellows President Crotchrot, attempting the shittiest Jedi mind trick ever. Helping the American people during a time of crisis, he insists, is the states’ responsibility, not his, begging the question JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU IMAGINE YOUR FUCKING JOB IS, YOU BLOATED CRETIN?
Large companies, including hotel and restaurant chains, have been sucking up stimulus loans intended for small businesses, because in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka, the law of Survival of the Corruptest reigns! Shit, even the Roman God of Medicare Fraud, aka Florida Senator Rick Scott is like, “C’mon you guys, we gotta ease our boots off the serfs’ necks a little bit, we still need ‘em to like, mow our lawns and buy stuff, y’know.”
I briefly toyed with the idea of rebranding my humble beer jar as the Make Cap an Oil Baron Fund, as oil prices plunged past zero and well into negative territory, just the latest extremely normal thing going down in these extremely normal times. Dunno ‘bout y’all, but I for one am really looking forward to bailing out yet another industry that will spend the rest of my lifetime overcharging me as much as it can possibly get away with.
Shiny New Designated Liar, er, “Press Secretary” Kayleigh McEnany threw an amusing little shitfit over a journalist showing insufficient deference to President Fungal Growth Inside a Clown’s Shoe, because there’s no better time and place to demand respect than from atop a mountain of corpses built by your own laziness and neglect. Gonna pass on bending that knee, Kayleigh, but I can see you’re gonna fit in just fine.
We learned that Mike Bloomberg blew more than a billion dollars on his hilariously inept presidential campaign. Mike. Bro. I just wanna let you know, I get what this thing was all about for you, and anytime you need someone to strap on some dominatrix gear topped off with an Elizabeth Warren mask and spank the crap out of you, I am available for the comparatively economical rate of $25 million per hour.
Brian Kemp, clearly jealous of states with larger outbreaks, (Mass Grave Envy is totally a thing, in Republican circles at least) decided to throw COVID-19 a big ol’ Welcome to Georgia party, reopening parts of the state’s economy on the gamble that the infectious disease experts are idiots, while the mulleted creeps waving confederate flags have had it right all along. Hey, it wasn’t so long ago when Kemp demonstrated his utter disdain for his constituents’ voting rights, so it shouldn’t really surprise anyone to learn he doesn’t value their lives.
Panicking as even the most thoroughly washed brains in Cult45 begin to wake up to the reality of tens of thousands of preventable deaths and an economy in tatters, Tangerine Idi Amin took to the pneumatic tweeting machine to reassure his faltering base that while he may be dangerously incompetent, he’s still hellaciously racist. “I’m…I’m gonna ban ALL immigration” he stammered, betting his reelection on the hope that there’ll be enough angry white people in the Rust Belt for whom “unwillingness to share the coming post-apocalyptic wasteland with brown-skinned folks” is a motivating issue.
Hey, remember hydroxychloroquine? The miracle get-out-of-a-pandemic-free drug Strawberry Shartcake and his craven enablers at Fux Nooz promised would deliver us all from COVID-19 based on Dotard’s First Law of We Really Really Want it To? Well, it turns out it doesn’t do shit, and in fact, in a recent study, the patients who got the stuff died at a higher rate than those who didn’t. Wow. A rare miss from the very stable genius pulling stuff out of his ass. Gosh, Trump University may just have to revoke his immunology doctorate now.
The Senate Intelligence Committee issued a report confirming that yuh huh, Russia sure did interfere in the 2016 election, a casual reminder that the blithering slug who’s gotten so many Americans killed was, oh yeah, installed by a hostile foreign power for the express purpose of fucking our shit up. Y’know, Vlad Putin may be a murderous, dissent-crushing, autocrat, but you’ve got to hand it to him, he’s one helluva bargain hunter. Maybe I’ll ask him to go antiquing some day when we can all leave our homes again.
And now Redactor General Billy Barr is threatening to sue individual states if he deems their stay-at-home orders to have gone “too far.” Well, we’re all trapped inside an Ayn Rand NyQuil dream now, motherfuckers, with the federal government trying to force the citizenry into the wood chipper even if they had the good sense to elect Democrats locally instead of the so-pro-corporate-as-to-be-anti-human alternative. Hey, this seems like a good spot to mention Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick, who tells us “there are more important things than living” and he’ll get back to you about what those things are, just as soon as he checks in with his donors.
Anyhow, I’m gonna make the most of my time before they institute a draft to force us all to serve in the Amazon warehouses, where I’ll likely die packaging up boxed wine to ship to Judge Jeanine. Stay safe out there, and I’ll see y’all soon.