Well, the Amazon is burning and fertility doctors are secretly replacing Folgers Crystals with their own spooj, so it looks like my nightly prayer for just one normal, batshit-free, news cycle has gone unanswered once again. Well, let’s dive in.

The “feud” between Yammering Haircut Anthony Scaramucci and the President of the United States continues, and word is Littefinger is actually afraid of the damage this fruitfly-lifespanned former insider could do to him. Anyway, the Mooch launched the predictable super PAC grift, so he can get rich dressing up as a Resistance Hero™️, but we’re too smart to fall for that shit, aren’t we, Shower Captives? We’ll be saving our money for the kickass Democratic candidates fighting to hold the House and flip the Senate, won’t we?

Animated by the twin motives of stinginess and hatred, the Seriously What the Fuck is Wrong with You Administration is refusing to give flu vaccinations to prisoners in their migrant concentration camps, even though, or probably specifically because, at least three detained children have already died of the flu. While this an appalling new low in this campaign of racist terror, don’t expect it to bother Trump’s evangelical “Christian” base nearly so much as that one speech where he said a no-no word a couple of times, because they must be selling Bibles with some of the key pages torn out these days. Anyway, if you looked at Stephen Miller’s search history right now, I guarantee he’s looking for good deals on smallpox blankets.

Oh, and these soulless bastards simultaneously want to change the rules to allow indefinite detention of families with children in the concentration camps where human beings are denied access to basic sanitation and medical treatment. That’s right, even though the overwhelming majority of released asylum-seekers do, in direct contradiction to GOP propaganda, show up for their hearings (they are, after all, seeking asylum), your white nationalist government insists on keeping them locked up, in squalid conditions, at taxpayer expense. Imagine if they focused their fanaticism on helping people, rather than hurting them.

And while he’s using the full, horrifying, powers of the federal government to torture migrant children, Trump is obstructing any efforts to protect American kids (and adults, I suppose) from the mounting threat of gun violence; what murderous multitasking! Yes, a single phone call from his death merchant paymasters was all it took to make Lil’ Donnie-Two Scoops run screaming from his previous commitment to expand background checks. I suppose that makes sense; if you’re scared of a popcorn fart like Scaramucci, Wayne LaPierre must look like a grizzly bear with chainsaws for paws.

One thing that doesn’t frighten Tangerine Idi Amin is stirring up anti-Semitic hate. No, even though you can’t leave the house anymore without tripping over a new rage-filled white boy quoting his rhetoric in a who-I’d-like-to-mass-murder-this-summer manifesto, Donald Trump simply refuses to stop fanning the flames. And so here we are, two and a half years into this fucking nightmare, watching the President casually, shamelessly, vomit up the vile smear that Jews who refuse to support him politically are “disloyal,” indeed, using the very language that inspired the Holocaust. And still his apologists will bellow and wail like so many Blanche DuBois understudies if you dare suggest their Turd Emperor is bigoted in any way.

Because there’s always an element of imbecility to everything he does, the Farthuffing Fascist’s little foray into open Hitler cosplay actually sprang from his boneheaded attempt to paint a couple of Democratic Congresswomen as anti-Semitic. He sees all those polls showing Diamond Joe and Friends flushing him like the what-the-hell-did-I-EAT shitsquirt that he is, and he thinks he can change the subject and run against two Muslim women instead. Going forward, he might have more luck in his quest to paint Reps Tlaib and Omar as haters of Jews and Israel by drawing comparisons to himself.

Lest we imagine all this is taking place in a vacuum, lemme just pull the whole first sentence of a story in the Failing New York Times: “A Nazi sympathizer who threatened to butcher a Hispanic woman and boasted that President Trump would wipe out nonwhites in a “racial war and crusade” was arrested on charges of making threats, the F.B.I. said on Tuesday.” This gem of a specimen is the just the latest in the avalanche of white supremacist fuckheads who’ve been apprehended in the last few days, thankfully before they could carry out their terrorist fantasies.

And Hairplug Himmler once again squawked and moaned a bit about his desire to eliminate birthright citizen by executive order, reminding us that if there’s one thing he hates as much as brown people, it’s the U.S. Constitution.

In addition, the Adderall-Addled Assclown wants to let his old pal Vlad back into the G7, cuz what’s a little Crimean Peninsula here and there among friends? Or among lapdog and lap-haver, I suppose? Anyway, this is sort of reminiscent of that time FDR responded to the attack on Pearl Harbor by inviting the Japanese over for Spam and bourbon, and then gave them a bunch of money for no reason.

Like a child trying to reassemble the alarm clock he’s smashed to bits, Donnie Dotard doesn’t know what the fuck to do about the economy he’s been diligently throat-punching since assuming office. Unwilling to do the logical thing and back off his Dumbfuck Trade War, (because his pride is more important than millions of Americans’ financial security, you see) he’s apparently test-driving the pitch that the impending Trump Recession would just be a small recession, “moderate and short,” honestly kinda cute if you think about it, just an adorable little erasure of billions in wealth shouldered primarily by the working class anyway please vote for the guy who caused it because he’s too stupid to understand how tariffs work.

Somehow the Aw, Look, the Dumb Shit Actually Thinks He Can Buy Greenland story managed to morph into a legitimate diplomatic incident with lasting consequences for the United States, because it turns out leaving your foreign policy in the hands of a tantruming toddler with full diaper and an empty head is unwise, who knew?

Yes, because the Government of Denmark refused the utterly ludicrous offer, which wasn’t really ever even an offer, just a bit of behind-the-scenes spitballing that some staffer leaked to make him look like a fucking idiot, the Bonespur Buttplug actually cancelled his scheduled state visit at the last minute, because the Danes were so mean to him. Personally, I think Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen showed impressive restraint in labeling the idea merely “absurd” rather than “the deranged jabbering of a visibly-deteriorating fuckwit.”

Anyway, the cancellation spares Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet the humiliation of a comparative crowd-off with his predecessor and nemesis; Obama has his own Denmark trip coming up, y’see. I actually think Wee Don would draw the larger crowd here, it’s just that they’d be protesters berating and mocking him, but hey, there wouldn’t any empty seats in the photos, bro.

And Iceland’s Prime Minister Katrin Jakobsdottir is turning down the opportunity to make Vice President Mike Pants squirm by insisting on a private one-on-one meeting, citing “prior commitments,” with a healthy subtextual “go fuck yourself, you insufferable fascist cretin.” This opens up some time in Mikey Hairshirt’s schedule, which he’ll likely spend alone in his hotel room, fapping to the shapely fjords that remind him vaguely of the way his favorite pages used to bend over the filing cabinets, back in his congressional days.

Wonder how Pencey-Poo feels about his boss throwing around suggestions that he’s “the Second Coming of God,” and “the King of Israel?” I dunno, I have a hard time believing God would have such tiny, inadequate, fingers. And it begs theological questions, like “Could God tie a necktie long enough to make God himself look like a drooling moron who doesn’t even know how to get dressed?”

But it’s not enough for Sharty McFly to shamble around the West Wing with a “25th Amendment Me” sign taped to his back, he added another unsettling rant about being “the chosen one” a little later in the day. Look, if I was an HBO showrunner trying to milk this shit for maximum effect, yes, I would absolutely add a dementia-fueled messiah complex subplot, it’s just good drama. As a human being with a simple desire to live out his natural life, however, I mostly just hope somebody’s had the foresight to put childproof locks on the nuclear football.

Hey look, Sean Spicer has parlayed his previous post as “propaganda minister for a white supremacist fascist” into a spot on Dancing with the Stars! It’s entertainment for anyone who ever wondered if Mengele had rhythm! Anyway, Spicey is a gaslighting shitstain who pissed on the grave of every American who ever died for freedom, so trotting his treasonous ass out like some sort of novelty act is completely unforgivable, and I hope whoever made that bullshit call falls into a pit of fire ants.

Speaking of undeserved financial windfalls for American traitors, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders decided she missed having a platform to lie to the American people with sneering condescension, so she’s taken a new job with Fux Nooz. Maybe she can re-enact old press conference deceptions during Tucker Carlson’s commercial breaks, there sure as shit aren’t any advertisers who want that time.

Oh, and Rotten-Mouthed Cousin-Fucker Giuliani says the State Department helped him out on his recent trip to Ukraine in search of political dirt on Joe Biden and the DNC. Yes, THAT State Department, the one that’s supposed to conduct diplomacy on behalf of the whole country, not engage in partisan ratfucking. Foggy Bottom is hollowed out so that Jared Kushner can put U.S. policy up for sale to the highest bidder, and what little staff is left collects taxpayer salary to work on the Shart re-election campaign, NEAT.   

Jay Inslee dropped out of the Democratic presidential primary, and John Hickenlooper announced his run for Cory Gardner’s Colorado Senate seat. Makes me think back to the winnowing of the massive flock of rectums that made up the 2016 GOP field, and y’know what? I’m proud of our team. And not just the presidential candidates (although, with a couple of exceptions, what an embarrassment of riches, right?), but all the elected officials, from the seasoned pros to our incredible freshmen House class. And even beyond that, down to all us grassroots types, making the phone calls, knocking on the doors, giving whatever we can to win the country back.

We’re a good crew, y’all. We made some amazing progress in 2018, and we’re closer than ever to our opportunity to finish the job. Hang in there.