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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Oh, He’s Developing a Messiah Complex & Questioning Jews’ Loyalty? I’m Sure This Ends Well.

Thursday, August 22nd, 2019

 

Well, the Amazon is burning and fertility doctors are secretly replacing Folgers Crystals with their own spooj, so it looks like my nightly prayer for just one normal, batshit-free, news cycle has gone unanswered once again. Well, let’s dive in.

The “feud” between Yammering Haircut Anthony Scaramucci and the President of the United States continues, and word is Littefinger is actually afraid of the damage this fruitfly-lifespanned former insider could do to him. Anyway, the Mooch launched the predictable super PAC grift, so he can get rich dressing up as a Resistance Hero™️, but we’re too smart to fall for that shit, aren’t we, Shower Captives? We’ll be saving our money for the kickass Democratic candidates fighting to hold the House and flip the Senate, won’t we?

Animated by the twin motives of stinginess and hatred, the Seriously What the Fuck is Wrong with You Administration is refusing to give flu vaccinations to prisoners in their migrant concentration camps, even though, or probably specifically because, at least three detained children have already died of the flu. While this an appalling new low in this campaign of racist terror, don’t expect it to bother Trump’s evangelical “Christian” base nearly so much as that one speech where he said a no-no word a couple of times, because they must be selling Bibles with some of the key pages torn out these days. Anyway, if you looked at Stephen Miller’s search history right now, I guarantee he’s looking for good deals on smallpox blankets.

Oh, and these soulless bastards simultaneously want to change the rules to allow indefinite detention of families with children in the concentration camps where human beings are denied access to basic sanitation and medical treatment. That’s right, even though the overwhelming majority of released asylum-seekers do, in direct contradiction to GOP propaganda, show up for their hearings (they are, after all, seeking asylum), your white nationalist government insists on keeping them locked up, in squalid conditions, at taxpayer expense. Imagine if they focused their fanaticism on helping people, rather than hurting them.

And while he’s using the full, horrifying, powers of the federal government to torture migrant children, Trump is obstructing any efforts to protect American kids (and adults, I suppose) from the mounting threat of gun violence; what murderous multitasking! Yes, a single phone call from his death merchant paymasters was all it took to make Lil’ Donnie-Two Scoops run screaming from his previous commitment to expand background checks. I suppose that makes sense; if you’re scared of a popcorn fart like Scaramucci, Wayne LaPierre must look like a grizzly bear with chainsaws for paws.

One thing that doesn’t frighten Tangerine Idi Amin is stirring up anti-Semitic hate. No, even though you can’t leave the house anymore without tripping over a new rage-filled white boy quoting his rhetoric in a who-I’d-like-to-mass-murder-this-summer manifesto, Donald Trump simply refuses to stop fanning the flames. And so here we are, two and a half years into this fucking nightmare, watching the President casually, shamelessly, vomit up the vile smear that Jews who refuse to support him politically are “disloyal,” indeed, using the very language that inspired the Holocaust. And still his apologists will bellow and wail like so many Blanche DuBois understudies if you dare suggest their Turd Emperor is bigoted in any way.

Because there’s always an element of imbecility to everything he does, the Farthuffing Fascist’s little foray into open Hitler cosplay actually sprang from his boneheaded attempt to paint a couple of Democratic Congresswomen as anti-Semitic. He sees all those polls showing Diamond Joe and Friends flushing him like the what-the-hell-did-I-EAT shitsquirt that he is, and he thinks he can change the subject and run against two Muslim women instead. Going forward, he might have more luck in his quest to paint Reps Tlaib and Omar as haters of Jews and Israel by drawing comparisons to himself.

Lest we imagine all this is taking place in a vacuum, lemme just pull the whole first sentence of a story in the Failing New York Times: “A Nazi sympathizer who threatened to butcher a Hispanic woman and boasted that President Trump would wipe out nonwhites in a “racial war and crusade” was arrested on charges of making threats, the F.B.I. said on Tuesday.” This gem of a specimen is the just the latest in the avalanche of white supremacist fuckheads who’ve been apprehended in the last few days, thankfully before they could carry out their terrorist fantasies.

And Hairplug Himmler once again squawked and moaned a bit about his desire to eliminate birthright citizen by executive order, reminding us that if there’s one thing he hates as much as brown people, it’s the U.S. Constitution.

In addition, the Adderall-Addled Assclown wants to let his old pal Vlad back into the G7, cuz what’s a little Crimean Peninsula here and there among friends? Or among lapdog and lap-haver, I suppose? Anyway, this is sort of reminiscent of that time FDR responded to the attack on Pearl Harbor by inviting the Japanese over for Spam and bourbon, and then gave them a bunch of money for no reason.

Like a child trying to reassemble the alarm clock he’s smashed to bits, Donnie Dotard doesn’t know what the fuck to do about the economy he’s been diligently throat-punching since assuming office. Unwilling to do the logical thing and back off his Dumbfuck Trade War, (because his pride is more important than millions of Americans’ financial security, you see) he’s apparently test-driving the pitch that the impending Trump Recession would just be a small recession, “moderate and short,” honestly kinda cute if you think about it, just an adorable little erasure of billions in wealth shouldered primarily by the working class anyway please vote for the guy who caused it because he’s too stupid to understand how tariffs work.

Somehow the Aw, Look, the Dumb Shit Actually Thinks He Can Buy Greenland story managed to morph into a legitimate diplomatic incident with lasting consequences for the United States, because it turns out leaving your foreign policy in the hands of a tantruming toddler with full diaper and an empty head is unwise, who knew?

Yes, because the Government of Denmark refused the utterly ludicrous offer, which wasn’t really ever even an offer, just a bit of behind-the-scenes spitballing that some staffer leaked to make him look like a fucking idiot, the Bonespur Buttplug actually cancelled his scheduled state visit at the last minute, because the Danes were so mean to him. Personally, I think Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen showed impressive restraint in labeling the idea merely “absurd” rather than “the deranged jabbering of a visibly-deteriorating fuckwit.”

Anyway, the cancellation spares Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet the humiliation of a comparative crowd-off with his predecessor and nemesis; Obama has his own Denmark trip coming up, y’see. I actually think Wee Don would draw the larger crowd here, it’s just that they’d be protesters berating and mocking him, but hey, there wouldn’t any empty seats in the photos, bro.

And Iceland’s Prime Minister Katrin Jakobsdottir is turning down the opportunity to make Vice President Mike Pants squirm by insisting on a private one-on-one meeting, citing “prior commitments,” with a healthy subtextual “go fuck yourself, you insufferable fascist cretin.” This opens up some time in Mikey Hairshirt’s schedule, which he’ll likely spend alone in his hotel room, fapping to the shapely fjords that remind him vaguely of the way his favorite pages used to bend over the filing cabinets, back in his congressional days.

Wonder how Pencey-Poo feels about his boss throwing around suggestions that he’s “the Second Coming of God,” and “the King of Israel?” I dunno, I have a hard time believing God would have such tiny, inadequate, fingers. And it begs theological questions, like “Could God tie a necktie long enough to make God himself look like a drooling moron who doesn’t even know how to get dressed?”

But it’s not enough for Sharty McFly to shamble around the West Wing with a “25th Amendment Me” sign taped to his back, he added another unsettling rant about being “the chosen one” a little later in the day. Look, if I was an HBO showrunner trying to milk this shit for maximum effect, yes, I would absolutely add a dementia-fueled messiah complex subplot, it’s just good drama. As a human being with a simple desire to live out his natural life, however, I mostly just hope somebody’s had the foresight to put childproof locks on the nuclear football.

Hey look, Sean Spicer has parlayed his previous post as “propaganda minister for a white supremacist fascist” into a spot on Dancing with the Stars! It’s entertainment for anyone who ever wondered if Mengele had rhythm! Anyway, Spicey is a gaslighting shitstain who pissed on the grave of every American who ever died for freedom, so trotting his treasonous ass out like some sort of novelty act is completely unforgivable, and I hope whoever made that bullshit call falls into a pit of fire ants.

Speaking of undeserved financial windfalls for American traitors, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders decided she missed having a platform to lie to the American people with sneering condescension, so she’s taken a new job with Fux Nooz. Maybe she can re-enact old press conference deceptions during Tucker Carlson’s commercial breaks, there sure as shit aren’t any advertisers who want that time.

Oh, and Rotten-Mouthed Cousin-Fucker Giuliani says the State Department helped him out on his recent trip to Ukraine in search of political dirt on Joe Biden and the DNC. Yes, THAT State Department, the one that’s supposed to conduct diplomacy on behalf of the whole country, not engage in partisan ratfucking. Foggy Bottom is hollowed out so that Jared Kushner can put U.S. policy up for sale to the highest bidder, and what little staff is left collects taxpayer salary to work on the Shart re-election campaign, NEAT.   

Jay Inslee dropped out of the Democratic presidential primary, and John Hickenlooper announced his run for Cory Gardner’s Colorado Senate seat. Makes me think back to the winnowing of the massive flock of rectums that made up the 2016 GOP field, and y’know what? I’m proud of our team. And not just the presidential candidates (although, with a couple of exceptions, what an embarrassment of riches, right?), but all the elected officials, from the seasoned pros to our incredible freshmen House class. And even beyond that, down to all us grassroots types, making the phone calls, knocking on the doors, giving whatever we can to win the country back.

We’re a good crew, y’all. We made some amazing progress in 2018, and we’re closer than ever to our opportunity to finish the job. Hang in there.

Shower Cap

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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