Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Oh, just a light madness check-in
Fucking hell, what a week. Welcome to the dark American joke: What do a serial rapist and cop who murders a black man while he’s complying with said cop’s orders have in common? They’re both walking around today totally free of consequences. And as you scan every other column of the day’s newspaper, are you starting to think maybe we don’t live in the America your middle school Civics textbook promised? Me too, Resisters…me too.
Ugh. Anyhow, let’s catch up on the madness.
Hey, I dunno if you saw this, but the President of the United States is under FBI investigation! For obstruction of justice! Everybody’s yelling at teevees and getting lawyers and lawyers for their lawyers, are you supposed to get a present for your lawyer’s lawyer at Xmastime, or is just a card fine? Asking for a Bloated Orange Asshole.
Anyhow, Team Shart is leaning HARD into a strategy of discrediting Bob Mueller and his team. Noot Gingrich is out on every show that’ll give him time, I guess cuz his wife isn’t sick enough to cheat on yet, running his mouth about what a hack the Bronze Star/Purple Heart-winning dude with universal bipartisan respect is, and how we should trust the racist goon who ran a fake college instead. Good luck, Noot.
Folks, it doesn’t take a genius to see the strategy here. You don’t try to paint an investigator as a liar unless you know the investigation will inevitably turn up some legit DIRT. The only chance this Flock of Rectums has to survive the storm that’s coming is to fortify their Rube base, and hope they’ll screech loud enough that the institutional GOP will be so scared to piss them off that they’ll ignore the constitution, the rule of law, and basic human decency.
These bastards can, in short, fool some of the people all of time…but that group is an ever-shrinking minority, and the million dollar question is how many will stick around when the bill comes due.
Meanwhile, the House wing of the Russia investigation will be “inviting” Drumpf campaign digital director Brad Parscale for a little chat about Russian bots and foreign plots and ethical rot and whatnot.
And shit, this isn’t even the only investigation the Walking Liposuction Vat is under! The U.S. Commission on Civil Rights announced an investigation of their own! Hard to say what they’ll turn up, it’s not the like the administration is working on massive cuts to the Civil Rights Division in the Justice Department, or the education department is run by an evangelical lunatic who refuses to stand up for the rights of LGBT students, or the Attorney General is practically a Grand Wizard who was TOO RACIST FOR THE 1980’S FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
Things are actually bad all over for the parade of fuckheads calling themselves the Republican Party. See that bit where Chris Christie became least popular governor in the history of American polling? 15% approval rating. Adding insult to injury, none of that 15% is Bruce Springsteen.
Fox news dropped their trademark “Fair & Balanced” tag line, allegedly because they no longer wish to be linked to a phrase so closely associated with Famed Dead Pervert Roger Ailes. Me, I’ll assume Rupert Murdoch has contracted some sort of Pinocchio-like curse.
Leaked audio of a speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull mocking Ol’ Sunny D-Bag made some headlines. 732 White House sources tell me the President had to be tackled before he could order the launch of 45 Tomahawk missiles at the Sydney Opera House in retaliation.
Speaking of the military, I guess the President has decided that civilian oversight of the armed forces is for chumps who don’t have golfing to do, as he told Mad Dog Mattis “Do whatever the fuck you want, bro, I got television sets to yell at.” I’m sure the corresponding increase in civilian casualties is a coincidence and will result in no negative consequences whatsoever. Slaughtering children never made anybody join a jihadist organization, right?
Meanwhile Mitch McConnell continues to keep the Senate GOP’s version of the AHCA totally secret from everyone, which is exactly what you do when you have a great bill that everyone will love because of all the American lives it improves.
HHS secretary Price hasn’t seen it. John McCain hasn’t seen it, but he seems sure it’s rad. 15 patient advocacy groups, including the American Heart Association and the freakin’ March of Dimes, asked Mitch if they could please see the bill and offer their input and were told by the majority leader to kindly go fuck themselves.
Yertle the Turtle seems to think nobody will notice their health insurance has been taken away until their cancer has spread enough to render them incapable of voting. Resisters, whaddya say we get on the phones this week and disprove that little theory?
Meanwhile, frustrated at all the winning that their God Emperor isn’t doing, a bunch of Shartkins have decided to vent their frustrations on Shakespeare. They are SO MAD at Julius Caesar that they’re sending death threats to every theatre they can find, so the ones that aren’t near Burger Kings or strip clubs should be safe.
A couple of particularly publicity-minded dipshits interrupted the Public Theatre’s production on Friday night. They were super proud of themselves, and rushed to twitter to declare victory, but the show went on (as it inevitably must), and following the assclown ejection, the stage manager got on the intercom and was all “Actors, pick up from ‘Liberty! Freedom!'” and the audience cheered because Shakespeare > Fascist Dickbags.
Sherriff Dave Clarke decided to un-accept a post in DHS, thank all the gods in all the heavens. He said through a spokesman that his decision was based on a desire to spend more time with the corpses in his jail, and to continue cosplaying a legitimately important man at comic book conventions.
Anyhow, the Half-Circus-Peanut/Half-Testicular Tumor engaged in his one true political passion this week: reversing one of his predecessor’s policies. Does Drumpf understand one fucking thing about Cuba policy? Fuck no. But Little Marco Rubio pulled him aside and whispered in his ear about how that Black Guy Who Laughed at You at the Correspondent’s Dinner really loved his Cuba decision, so now we’re right back to trying the one thing that failed every single day for 50 years, because that’s how things are done these days, Jesus Fuck.
Donald J Trump, the “J” Stands for “I Have to Pay For Sex,” enjoys proclaiming theme weeks of late, and this was Flagrant Corruption Week!
The Marmalade Shartcannon released a financial disclosure form this week, primarily to rub everybody’s nose in how he’s getting away with his thrice-hourly violations of the emoluments clause. Yup, while he might not be passing any legislation of significance, our President sure is doing well on the Rakin’-in-Bribes front, thanks to a docile GOP, unwilling to conduct the slightest bit of law enforcement or oversight.
(Mid-terms are comin’, collaborators. Tick tock.)
Oh, and Sweet Potato Pol Pot actually appointed his son’s wedding planner to an important post in HUD, overseeing the housing of more than half a million people in New York and New Jersey, because ass-kissing is the only thing that matters on anybody’s resume these days. Seriously, a goddamn wedding planner. Remember the days when that woulda been the biggest story in the country for like, three weeks? Those were the fucking Wonder Years.
A new package of Russia sanctions passed the Senate with an all-but-impossible 97-2 bipartisan majority. And the executive branch actually wants to water them down as much as possible, because whatever Uncle Vlad has on Boss Shart is somehow worse than than constantly doing the Kremlin’s bidding while under investigation for collaborating with them during the election.
Oh, and it turns out the Russians renewed a bunch of Don the Con’s trademarks, included a handful…on election night last November. Yet another coincidence, I’m sure.
Or maybe it was Did You Believe Me When I Made Campaign Promises? Well, Suck My Withered Microwang, Rubes! Week. Not content with his already-massive betrayal of his base on the health care front, reports say Orange Julius Caesar is poised to reverse his promises on reducing drug prices in order to roll out a series of “reforms” that will benefit the drug industry at the expense of the rest of us, how unlike him. HEALTH CARE IS FOR CLOSERS, PLEBES.
And despite vaulting to power on the wings of crowds of racist yokels screaming “Build That Wall!,” Shart-o the Klown quietly walked back his plan to deport DREAMers, but don’t worry, the right wing media refused to report on it, so the frothing mobs will go right on believing it never happened.
WaPo reported that Orange Julius Caesar is having himself a hard time filling the vacancies in his administration, what with the corruption and fundamental indecency and so forth. I guess folks are thinkin’ “Served a treasonous authoritarian fuckstick” won’t be what the lobbying firm headhunters will be lookin’ for once this whole shitshow blows up in a few weeks, who’da guessed?
As always, there’s more, and I’d get in to it, but a Rasmussen poll was released today saying I’m greatest left-handed pitcher of all time, so I’m gonna go try out for Cubs now, y’all are on your own.