Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Oh, the Sharts You Can Shart, and Other Cancelled Dr. Seuss Books
Look, I certainly appreciate that the poo-flinging howler monkeys are no longer in charge. And I realize that it is not reasonable at this relatively early point in time to expect a political environment in which zero poo is flung at me by zero howler monkeys, but can we maybe have one week without poo, so we can like, wear our nice clothes for once, and then next week the monkeys can fling twice as much? No? Well I thought I’d ask.
The feral assclown clambake known as CPAC came and went, headlined by Shart Garfunkel’s grand return to the national stage, during which he was barely capable of stumbling through a feeble teleprompter speech, sleepily working his way through the well-worn Time/Life playlist of his greatest grievance hits, like some sort of bloviating, deposed autocrat version of Rick Springfield, opening for Robert Mugabe on the state fair circuit.
And y’know what? It’s already been forgotten, and Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot just waddled his powerless, Twitterless (but I repeat myself) ass back down to the golf course. That national anthem defiler made a bigger impression, honestly. But hey, if Lindsey Graham and his crew think there’s nothing more important than genuflecting before this half-flushed bowel evacuation, it just gives the Biden Administration a bigger spotlight to shine on their increasingly effective vaccine rollout, so go hog wild, campers.
Speaking of wild hogs, Paul Gosar swung straight to CPAC from a convention openly and unapologetically espousing white nationalism, without so much as dropping his robe off at the dry cleaners on the way, and not one of his caucusmates could muster even a half-assed “hey, cut that Nazi shit out, Paul” statement.
In fairness, it was difficult to hear the GOP’s Gosar silence over their total absence of condemnation of Madison “Spring Break at Hitler Beach” Cawthorn, following two newly published investigations into his past, which turned up multiple accusations of sexual misconduct on top of a largely fabricated biography.
Then there’s Dr. Ronny Jackson, who, surprise surprise, turned out to be even scuzzier than we initially believed, but that’s ok, the Children of the Candy Corn elected him to the U.S. Congress anyway, because he lied about their Turd Emperor’s weight that one time. Cool party y’all got there.
You want to scream, “these are profoundly immoral people who are clearly unfit for office” and Republicans are all “well yeah, that’s kind of our entire thing now” and you go “man, couldn’t y’all have picked a less shitty thing, like maybe a really elaborate secret handshake” and they say “well we are thinking about adding armbands.”
Anyway, don’t want to shock anybody, but Elaine Chao, already a notoriously deviant fucker of turtles, turned out to be just as corrupt as any other Turdmaggot Administration cabinet secretary, albeit one with the common sense to avoid sending staffers on lotion runs. Are there any prominent Republicans left that aren’t Nazis, criminals, or Nazi criminals? That could be an amusing little parlor game, now that I think of it.
We learned Hairplug Himmler and the Empress Malaria got themselves quietly, privately vaccinated back in January, at the White House, but refused to receive the shots on camera, I guess because if you start modeling responsible behavior in front of a cult carefully constructed around the single animating principle that Behaving Like a Sack of Festering Marmot Anuses is Good Actually, it gets tougher to get ‘em to rise up in rabid rage to murder your enemies.
None of this matters even slightly, of course, given the abominable atrocities inflicted upon poor ol’ Dr. Seuss, who was resurrected in a satanic baby-eating ritual by High Priestess Hillary Rodham Clinton, only to be crucified, drawn and quartered, burned at the stake, flayed, tarred, feathered, taint-punted, nipple-twisted, and otherwise CANCELLED.
Of course, outside the Fux Nooz fever swamps, in a magical kingdom some call “reality,” a handful of Mr. Geisel’s minor works have been pulled from publication, by his estate, because they contain (to put it mildly) racially insensitive imagery which is pretty darn difficult to defend, here in the 21st century. Nothing is cancelled, or, as Minority Leader McCarthy mendaciously claimed, “outlawed.” The Grinch’s efforts to steal Xmas are, as ever, ongoing; the controversy over the desirability of consuming green eggs and/or ham endures; Pop remains hopped upon.
Still, determined to overthrow cancel culture like a common presidential election, wingnuts began frantically buying up every Seuss book that wasn’t nailed down, rocketing the good Dr. straight to the top of the Amazon bestseller list, and steering a massive financial windfall to…the very estate they’re allegedly furious with. If you’re wondering why conservatives are so susceptible to propaganda that strikes you as My God This Wouldn’t Fool a Yak, I humbly offer up the decision-making process outlined in this paragraph.
Georgia Republicans advanced their insidious voter suppression scheme, shamelessly targeting Black voters with the surgical precision usually reserved for the decennial Gerrymandering Hullabaloo and Fish Fry, (“Souls to the Polls on Sunday you say? Thank you for making your GOTV operation so easy to isolate and outlaw, LOL!”) because these are the sorts of laws a minoritarian party passes, once it has decided that obtaining the consent of the governed is simply too much trouble.
FBI Director Christopher Wray, during a hearing on the Capitol Riot Which is Clearly Much Less Important Than This Dr. Seuss Crap, yet again debunked Cult45’s favorite new conspiracy theory, that said riot was the work of antifa in disguise. Y’know, if these nutjobs were right, antifa could totally rebrand as an acting school, because some of these folks bring a nigh-Day-Lewisian level of commitment to their roles.
Obviously, Wray’s unambiguous statements on the matter are only further proof that he is a deep state NeverTrump MS-13 lizard person himself, and when President Crotchrot is inaugurated for his second term, the FBI, under the direction of Matt Gaetz or Marjorie Taylor Greene or maybe just the soggy sweat sock next to Gym Jordan’s bed, will replace the entire agency’s corrupted workforce with 22 Proud Boys and a meth lab.
Oddly, that inauguration did not take place on March 4th, despite the wild-eyed certitude of QAnon deadenders. Ah well. They don’t seem to be tired of losing, and lord knows I’m always down to chug another pint of their saltiest tears, so let’s reschedule for sometime this summer, says I.
…should we give MAGA nation a collective head pat for getting through this latest promised rapture without building any gallows or storming anything? I’m a big believer in rewarding good behavior, but I confess I’m worried about ticks.
The feds are also looking into communications between the January 6th rioters and members of Congress, in case you were wondering why Josh Hawley got all sweaty n’ fidgety when Wray started talking about using cell phone data to investigate the insurrectionists.
You would think Governor Greg Abbott’s ravenous thirst for Texan blood would be sated by now, but no, he’s recklessly reversed his state’s coronavirus restrictions, taking a victory lap well short of the finish line, oh, if only some enterprising Greek fableist had thought to address such conduct. Anyway, people will die because of this appalling decision, but I feel like that’s a baked-in cost Republican voters accept nowadays, being a death cult and all.
Joe Biden referred to Abbott’s homicidal madness as “Neanderthal thinking,” leading to the sort of performative demonstrations of faux outrage that are surely the whole reason God made Marco Rubio. I’m starting to worry some of these folks might be overworked; between screaming about potato toys and children’s books and now this…there are only so many hours in a day for high-decibel gaslighting circle jerks, y’know.
Ron Johnson figured he’d slow down the passage of Democrats’ almost comically popular $1.9 trillion coronavirus stimulus package*, by insisting the entire bill be read aloud on the Senate floor, likely because he can imagine no horror greater than reading. I’m not real sure why another day of WE DEMAND YE SUFFER IN THE NAME OF THE DEFICIT, O YE WORTHLESS DOGS headlines is desirable for these creeps…it risks eating into the Seuss narrative, if nothing else.
Fortunately, outsmarting Ron Johnson is about as difficult as you’d think it‘d be, and at the end of the staged reading (the material was a bit dry, but the performers did their best) Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen simply swept onto the floor, proposed cutting the period scheduled for debate down to three hours, and with no Republicans around to object, formally thwarted Johnson’s master plan to, uh, troll Congress out of helping the American people, I guess? No Moriarty is our Ron-Ron.
A little light this week, but I feel we’ve earned our weekend nonetheless. Hope y’all are movin’ on up in them vaccination lines, friends. Until the happy day when we can all cough and shake hands and rub up against one another again…stay safe out there.
*You are cordially invited to keep on clingin’ to that dusty, outdated playbook, Senator McConnell.