Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Oh, Wilburrrrrrrrrr! Also, I Think Jared Broke the Middle East
Hi everybody. I just popped out of the trenches of the Secret Antifa War to see if anything interesting’s going on.
…holy fuck. It really never stops, does it?
Rick Perry must’ve poured a little science sauce on his smart guy glasses, when he posited Perry’s First Theory of Fossil Fuels Preventing Sexual Assault. Hey assault victims! Maybe if you wore a frumpy turtleneck made of fossil fuels instead of that slutty dress that showed your ENTIRE ANKLE, you wouldn’t have been assaulted, you filthy whores!
Speaking of science, one the industry stooges Scott Pruitt installed on the EPA’s Science Advisory Board thinks the air is too clean. No no, I make a lot of jokes here, but this is just what the dude said. The air’s too clean, we need kids to inhale a little more toxic shit so their bodies can get used to fending off all the even MORE toxic shit we plan on dumping into the air in the future.
Dude’s telling us we need to mutate our bodies to survive in increasingly poisonous environments. What next? “Periodically administer chemical burns to your infant’s skin, in order to build the thick layer of scales they’ll need to endure the post-apocalyptic hellscape we expect to create by 2065, when we anticipate everything will be literally on fire all the time.”
Joe Ricketts sure is a fucking scumbag, huh? Journalists at the websites he owns vote to unionize, he immediately fires everyone, shutters the sites, and locks the writers out of their own work? That’s some Act One Scrooge level shit, Joe.
And to think, some would say there’s a wealth inequality problem in America. Maybe you should just shut your cuck mouths lest ye anger our benevolent oligarch overlords, didja ever think of THAT?
Meanwhile, Donna Brazile took out her scales. On one side, she put “the fate of America, and indeed in the world.” On the other, “sales of my forthcoming book.” By now, you know what she chose.
Yes, one short week before Democrats’ first chance to flex their electoral muscle and strike back at the Drumpf-enabling GOP, Brazile decided “This seems like the perfect time for some dishonest spin on an old story so as to pick open some old wounds.”
The GOP has Uranium One, we have Donna Brazile.
Donna, with her ninja-level hindsight, claimed see saw All the Signs, because Hilldawg’s campaign staff were inadequately fucking one another, a scientific metric worth of Secretary Perry. She also talked about heroically contemplating just ignoring the will of every primary voter altogether and replacing that Withered Crone with Joe Biden, or George Clooney. or maybe just a ficus.
Contradicted by absolutely everyone and backed up by literally no one, Brazile’s walking back her inflammatory
claims book ads, and she’s all “Did I say rigging? I meant HUGGING!” Ugh.
Me, I’m donating the cover price of her shitty, self-aggrandizing slam book, 28 bucks, to the Democratic Party. Fuck Donna Brazile, let’s elect some Democrats and take our motherfucking country back!
Carter Page is too dumb to be a real person, right? Like, one of these days, he’s gonna run into a corner, and his face will pop open, revealing he’s a sophisticated robot piloted by three or four drunken gerbils. RIGHT?
Anyway, MacArthur Dumbass Grant Recipient Page sat down for the House Intelligence Committee for a few hours on Thursday, without a lawyer, or even just a dog collar set to administer a mild corrective shock whenever he was about to say something really self-destructive. Which was really fuck dumb of him.
Yeah, Carter met some Russians, but they mostly just discussed their shared love of Perfect Strangers. And by the way, he totally told Jeff Sessions about doing it, which is weird, since that contradicts all those things the AG said under oath. In the Senate. Twice.
Yup yup, Ol’ Beauregard done perjured himself again. I look forward to the ritual where Jeff gets dragged back to the Senate so that Al Franken can yell at him some more, and then he can swear up and down that for real this time, there are no more Russian contacts he can remember, and then four days later CNN will come across a video of him pole-dancing at the Kremlin while the entire Duma pelts him with rubles.
The Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits and a Dwarf Dick keeps tantruming about how he doesn’t get to use the US Justice Department as his own personal vendetta-settling oppression apparatus. What’s the point of even being President, right?
(In related news, Drumpf has allegedly been dropping hints around the office that he’d really, REALLY like a secret police force, answerable only to him, for Xmas this year. John Kelly‘s hoping a set of Justice League action figures will placate him.)
For a glorious hot minute (or ten), Il Douche’s Twitter account was deactivated, apparently by a low-level employee on their last day. Bravo, Disgruntled Ex Twitter Employee! I always felt like James Dean just for shoving a ream of printer paper and a few pens in my backpack on my way out, but you got me beat!
The papers with fancy calligraphy nameplates get all the credit, but USAToday comes up with a decent little scoop now and then. This week they let us know that Weehands McGriftpants has been handing out plum government jobs to dues-paying members of his golf clubs. Neat setup, innit? Drop a little cash in the President’s pocket, land a fat, taxpayer-funded, paycheck? Solid investment.
We’re told Jared Kushner turned documents related to the Comey firing over to Robert Hood and his Merry Men. Is this why his Pa-in-law called him “worst political adviser in the White House in modern history?” Is there familial strife in Shartopia? Will Don the Con, Lear-like, make his children battle over a limited number of pardons?
Thanksgiving sure is gonna be awkward this year.
Jar-Jar also popped over to Saudi Arabia for a surprise, secret visit…and ever since he came back, shit’s been getting seriously real over there…you’ve got politically-motivated arrests, you’ve got suspicious plane crashes…WHAT DID YOU DO, JARED?
Asked about the numerous vacancies at the State Department, Boss Shart declared, with all the grandiosity that such an inescapably tacky fellow could muster, “I am the only one that matters,” which is a totally normal, not-at-all-worrisome thing for an American President to say. I’m pretty sure that was in the first draft of the Fear Itself speech.
If you were at Harvard last semester, maybe you got a chance to see Spicey Off the Record, the hot new lounge act spinnin’ lies while avoiding accountability! Perhaps ridin’ that podium segway to campus near you, soon! Or maybe jail!
The Bush Boys came at Sharty McFly in one of those books about how the GOP has turned into a production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest performed by the laboratory animals they test over-the-counter amphetamines on. Words as harsh as “blowhard” were bandied about. Quick, get me to my fainting couch!
And Kellyanne Conway dropped by CNN to chastise them for refusing to dutifully carve her boss’ easily-disproven lies onto stone tablets. She’s really grown nicely into her role as Indignant Propaganda Minister, hasn’t she?
The Marmalade Shartcannon embarked on his big Asia trip, but not before stopping off in Hawaii to get mercilessly trolled by the locals.
And I guess he babbled some nonsense about Japan Shoulda Shot Down North Korea’s Missiles Because Aren’t They All Samurai Warriors or Something?
SAMURAI WARRIORS? Fuck. It’s like we’re being governed by the kids I went to sleepovers with in fourth grade. If Donnie doesn’t get an extra turn at the controller playing Final Fantasy, you know he’s gonna get all pouty and probably declare war on Finland.
Naturally he can’t wait to meet with Uncle Vlad for his latest performance review. And also to see if maybe he has a spare room he can crash in for a couple of months.
NBC says Bashful Bob Mueller is closing in on Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn and his lunatic jagoff son. I don’t get what the big deal is, personally. Why SHOULDN’T disgraced, unregistered foreign agents have access to the highest levels of classified intelligence in their quest to manipulate a moronic, know-nothing, Commander in Chief for the benefit of foreign paymasters?
And I guess all the early indictments have the various underlings from Team Shart scrambling in pants-shitting terror. Aw, poor traitors. Don’t worry, I’m sure everyone will stay loyal to everyone else.
(Like Preibus didn’t start shrieking “SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE! BAGGINSSSSSSSSSSSS!” eight seconds after Mueller said “Good afternoon, Reince.”)
I suppose it’s no longer particularly surprising news when we see yet another poll revealing the Shart to be historically loathed, but I did get an extra chortle of glee seeing the bit where a majority have noticed the whole Can’t-Get-Shit-Done thing. Weird, how the strategy of Repeatedly Saying You’ve Accomplished More Than if All the Other Presidents Were Rolled Up Into One Super President Like Voltron isn’t an adequate substitute for, y’know…actually doing shit.
I don’t get to write about Wilbur Ross as often as I’d like, y’know? He’s sort of flown under the radar, but he’s a dirtbag we ought to revile just as much as Mnuchbag and Price and Zinke and the rest of the American Oligarch crew looting our nation. Anyway, it looks like it’s finally the Gnome King’s turn in the barrel!
Y’see, today saw the release of the long-awaited sequel to the Panama Papers, the Paradise Papers, this afternoon! (Coming next spring: Papers: Ragnarok!)
Seems our Commerce Secretary has a whole buncha billions he forgot t’tell the government about on his disclosure forms, (This cabinet sure is a forgetful lot! SOMEBODY COUNT THE NUKES, AMIRIGHT?) including some shared “business interests” with Vlad Putin’s immediate family!
And it seems he’s been making money partnering with sanctioned members of Uncle Vlad’s inner circle? OH, WILBURRRRRRRRR!
By the way, the government of Cyprus, that haven for Russian oligarch money laundering where Secretary Ross ran a very large bank before joining the cabinet, turned over a bunch of documents to Mueller relating to the dealings of the recently-indicted Paul Manafort, who is increasingly #Manafucked.
Oh, and Kremlin-connected oligarchs bought up large stakes in Facebook and Twitter? Rad. Thank God the beneficiaries of all this Russian infiltration and interference are the ones in charge of investigating it, and preventing it from happening again.
I guess Rand Paul’s neighbor assaulted him? They’re both rich jags in a gated community, but I’m pretty sure this is the work of a vast Soros-funded Antifa/Jade Helm/Hydra conspiracy. Seriously though. Don’t punch Senators. Punch Richard Spencer.
Oh, and of course most of Puerto Rico still doesn’t have power.
And Tangerine Idi Amin, that America First champion, just won permission to hire foreign workers at the very same golf club where he charges the American taxpayer exorbitant fees for the Secret Service to rent golf carts.
Fuck, y’all. Shit be cray. Shit be so goddamn cray, I didn’t even have time to talk about how shitty the GOP tax bill is. But we’re all gonna get on the phones and sink that fucker all the way to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, aren’t we?
Anyway, I gotta get back to Antifaing all the Real Americans now.