Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Okay, A Relief Bill, a Cyberattack, and an Ongoing Coup Attempt Walk Into a Bar…
With less than a month to go ‘til Old Handsome Joe’s inauguration, the Stoopid Coo is getting stoopider so quickly, I do believe we’re going to need more Os. The Coo is at least Stooopid at this point, and historians suggest we may yet attain levels approaching Stoooopid, or even Stüpid, by January.
The long and short of it is, the electorally vanquished Velveeta Vulgarian, now blasting through diapers at a heretofore unimaginable pace with the legal immunity granted by his office set to slip through those tiny, inadequate fingers forever, is currently American history’s most dangerously powerful cornered animal. It’s not awesome.
Elected Republican officials, with their instinctual gutlessness, hoped to hold the Manchurian Manchild’s hand, soothe his tyrannical tantrums, and ease him out of power. You gave him an inch AGAIN, and he took a mile AGAIN, you unteachable dumbfucks. Tell us again about all the lessons he learned from impeachment, Senator Collins.
Because while you sniveling invertebrates dithered, Hairplug Himmler seized the narrative with his heinous voter fraud lies, and in doing so, cemented his hold on the turd-gargling mob y’all call your base, which wouldn’t have happened if you’d simply acknowledged the incontrovertible results of the goddamn election a month and a half ago, but of course that would have required decency and courage, and now I’m embarrassed for even bringing it up.
While I’ve got your attention, Senators, didja like that menacing e-mail Tangerine Idi Amin sent to your caucus, by way of one Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr.? Yeah, this is your richly-deserved life now, campers. END AMERICAN DEMOCRACY FOR ME OR I MAKE GETTING REVENGE ON YOU MY FULL TIME JOB. This shit was never gonna turn out any other way, you absolute clowns.
(Regarding the threat itself…old man, nobody hates Wrinkly Gamera more than the American left, but he is the sole reason you’re still plotting in the Oval instead of begging the warden for half an hour of Twitter access right now.)
Of course, worse, and even more treacherous than those who merely facilitate this fascist farce with their pusillanimity, are the active co-conspirators. We’re playing chicken here; with reality, yes, but also with some deeply dangerous ideas about how power is to be seized and wielded in this country, and sure, more Republicans are swerving out of the way every single day, great, but the thing with Donald Trump is, there’s always somebody even crazier waiting in the wings to take the last crazy guy’s place. Always.
So now, Government Cheese Goebbels has assembled the nuttiest, shoddiest, grungiest team in the history of team-assembling montages; a poo-spattered hodgepodge of the most maliciously insane bigots and nitwits from the entire Altman-sized cast of this demented, inescapable, half-decade-long reality show.
Known traitor and felon Michael Flynn. Sidney Fucking Powell, who he actually tried to install as a special counsel. A disgraced former CEO who…Jesus, I can’t even write it, you wouldn’t believe me, see for yourself. These maniacs have been huddling in the Shart House, brainstorming innovative new uses for the U.S. Military, like seizing voting machines, or even holding the election all over again, presumably at gunpoint. These people created a scenario where Ken Cuccinelli found himself in the unlikely role of Responsible, Coup-Denying Adult in the Room, which surely surprised no one more than the Cooch himself.
Think of it as a game with nauseatingly high stakes, as these malignant crotchtumors try to figure out some way to use the terrifyingly substantial powers of the American Presidency to end the system of government outlined in the Constitution. We’re certainly lucky the players are morons, but even senior military officials are worried about what these jagoffs will try to pull.
Shit, it’s gotten too freaky for Rudy Giuliani, a man whose life has encompassed experiences ranging from treason to incest to the single most dignity-disintegrating public meltdown yet known to mankind. We are standing just outside the doors even Mike Pompeo and William Barr wouldn’t open, and what lies beyond those creeps’ ethical boundaries is not real fun to think about.
Plenty of willing accomplices on the House GOP side, however. Alabama’s Mo Brooks has hatched a plot so crazy it just might work, kidding, it’s a really stupid plan with no chance of success, just like the other 906 stupid plans, but it would still be really cool if Republicans could maybe stop trying to overturn the election.
(This seditious horseshit has the support of all the usual zealots: Gym Jordan, Louie Gohmert, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Madison Cawthorn, and I actually can’t keep listing them because I’m afraid my brain will spontaneously die, contemplating the thought that these frothing imbeciles actually write our laws.)
Anyway, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. We’ve got a whole fuckin’ month of this shit left, and lemme tell you folks, if you get a push notification announcing Stephen Miller resigned in protest, you duck and cover right that fucking second.
I’m glad Donnie Two-Scoops got one last chance to publicly betray the United States on behalf of his Kremlin masters, for old time’s sake. I honestly got a little misty, watching him shamelessly block for Putin, one last time, after Russia’s massive, warlike cyberattack on (checks notes) the country he is President of.
Well, with the early vote in the Georgia Senate runoffs surging amidst rumors that conspiracy-addled Republican voters may sit this one out, believing the system to be “rigged,” (Reaping, sowing, what are they, and how do they work?) Mitch McConnell finally decided to allow Congress to pass a wee lil’ coronavirus relief bill, lest the plebs catch on that he and his plutocrat party view them as little more than mulch for their donor class’ gardens.
The sausage-making process on this one would make Upton Sinclair retch. Democrats, with their silly bleeding hearts, sought to alleviate the suffering of the millions of ordinary Americans who’ve been repeatedly taint-punted, every goddamn day for ten goddamn months, by the current administration’s disastrous pandemic mismanagement. Yertle and his team of obedient Koch Industries accountants, excuse me, “U.S. Senators” said, “I’m sure we can work something out…but it’ll cost ya.”
So yeah, we won some much-needed relief for our poor, battered country. Meanwhile, the GOP used the public’s plight as leverage to extract concessions like the “three-martini lunch“ deduction, and I don’t know about you, but right about now I could really go for a nice, long lecture on how the Democratic Party needs to embrace populism to win back the white working class.
Not since Alex Jones got his ass whooped by yogurt have we witnessed such a pleasurable legal smackdown of the mendacious right-wing media bullies who’ve inflicted so much harm on this nation. Under threat of a “red slime” lawsuit (and encountering that little term was love at first sight) from voting machine companies slandered by a desperate death cult, the likes of Fux and Newsmax are frantically backpedaling, like…something people might commonly associate with backpedaling, which I cannot for the life of me think of at this time. Like, I dunno, a duck? But it’s nervous, or…something? This joke was a mistake.
So I understand the Batshit Emperor, from his fetid throne atop an impossibly-high mound of human skulls, spends his days fantasizing about all the bright, shiny airports they’re gonna name after him. Let me spoil this one for you, you ruptured fistula: in the future, when people put your name on the side of a building, it won’t be a commemoration, it’ll be a hate crime.
Speaking of buildings, Donald Trump, and racism; this motherfucker actually issued a lame-duck executive order mandating white supremacy in the architectural design of all new federal buildings going forward. Not making that up, he actually fucking did that. Same dude who keeps threatening vetoes over keeping the names of traitors on our military bases. Something something economic anxiety.
A heavily armed mob of Oregon’s whitest and shittiest, including members of Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s Brownshirts-in-waiting, the Proud Boys, attempted to storm the Capitol, clashing with state police. (Wait, I’m confused, do blue lives matter, or nah?) This is sectarian terrorist violence, by the way, in case anyone was wondering what America has become.
A late flurry of pardons, likely not the last, for a couple of corrupt Congressmen, a few war criminals, and little Georgie Papaderpaderp. Cool crime ring you’ve got there, Republicans. Did you know it used to be a political party?
So yeah, that’s…what’s happening. In real life. Wheeeeee. Tune in next week to see what these losers try next. Fuck. I’m tired.