Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
On Oafs and Oaths, Broken Laws and Broken Jaws
So, I’ve had a super-sexxxy day, watching along as swing-district House Dems announce, one by one, their intention to vote for the articles of impeachment, and I kinda wanna travel back in time to show my teenage self how cool my life is now, but that kid already had a lot on his plate. We better just do the news and move on.
In Wisconsin, a right-wing activist group and a Republican judge teamed up to purge 234,000 voters from the rolls, because the last time they let the people have a say in their government, Scott Walker and his cronies got fired, and look, institutional white supremacy ain’t gonna enshrine itself. So once again, we see there is nothing, NOTHING the GOP fears so much as a free and fair election. Seriously, if conservatives ran Hollywood, the entire slasher genre would be replaced with films where Jon Voight screams in slow-motion, watching non-white folks as they vote.
But don’t despair, because the Democratic Party of Wisconsin is on the job. They’re organizing earlier, and more effectively, than ever before. They could use your help, if you can spare it, cuz they’ve got 234,000 new doors to knock on. And a similar purge is underway in Georgia
Meanwhile, Freshman Congresstraitor Jeff Van Drew took a long, hard, look at the Doubleplus Ungood Ship Shartanic, taking on water, oozing pus, and crawling with plague rats, and said to himself “I gotta get me a cabin on that bad boy!” Yes, it seems JVD saw a poll that showed his anti-impeachment stance would come back to bite him on the ass in a Democratic primary, so he decided to test the waters in the treasonous end of the pool. Hilariously, he thought he could do this while keeping his Dem staffers and maintaining DCCC support, so I’m not worried that we’re losing one the best and brightest here. Most of Jeff’s staff quit, oddly declining the offer to follow him into political oblivion.
Anyway, Jeff, you cut-rate Benedict Arnold, as one of the many Democrats who raised money for you, and worked to punch your ticket on the Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave that installed you in your job in the first place, we knew who you were, we never expected you to vote like AOC, but yeah, we assumed you’d at least stay on the motherfucking team, so now let me just say: eat shit, GIVE US OUR FUCKING MONEY BACK, eat shit, and in conclusion, eat a whole bunch of shit.
So, Princess Ivanka went to the Doha Forum, the latest episode in her straight-to-DVD Meg Ryan vehicle Lifestyles of the Pampered and Dangerously Under-qualified life, and because fear of journalism is apparently hereditary, she set up a sad, silly, fake “interview” with not an actual reporter, but her own spokesperson. The one area where you have to give the Douche Family Robinshart credit is branding; that anyone associates these craven cowards with “strength” is pure Don Draper magic.
And nothing demonstrates Shart Garfunkel’s weakness better than the giddiness with which Russian state TV openly mocks him. He’s their “agent,” and they’re sneeringly prepared to offer him asylum once he’s finally removed from office, but in the meantime they’ll sit back and laugh their asses off while he divides and diminishes the U.S. and undermines Ukraine. I bet Lavrov made him do the Truffle Shuffle last week, right in the Oval Office, and Putin’s got the video, in his desk drawer, next to the pee tape.
I see Lindsey Graham has announced his intention in advance to violate the oath he’ll soon take, to serve as an impartial juror in the Manchurian Manchild’s forthcoming impeachment trial. Honestly, I’m not sure why anybody’s surprised, a Senator’s oath of office is to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic,” and he’s been wiping his ass with that one for years now, so we have to assume this is lifelong behavior. I don’t have the precise text of the sworn vows of the Jonny Quest Fan Club handy, but I somehow doubt Lindsey’s pledged fidelity would hold up under scrutiny.
While Graham may not have time for silly ol’ things like promises or laws or the survival of American democracy, his dance card is totally open if you happen to be an unscrupulous maniac with a briefcase full of Kremlin propaganda, and so naturally he’s offering Rudy Giuliani a platform to disseminate whatever horseshit he read about Hunter Biden on bathroom stall walls in Kiev. (Yes, Senator Graham also opposes calling new witnesses in the Senate impeachment trial, and I’m sure the hypocrisy keeps him up at night.)
Incidentally, Ol’ Rottenmouth McCousinfucker casually admitted his role in ousting Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch because she was an obstacle to his international crime spree, and I’m really starting to think there’s something to this whole white privilege thing. Like, if Rudy can walk the streets, a free man, after committing a fuckton of felonies and confessing to half of ‘em, I should be able to get away with at least a bank robbery or two.
By the way, Rudy is currently careening around the nuttier corners of the right-wing jagoffosphere, claiming Joe Biden not only tried to have a corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor killed, but actually succeeded. Twice. Yes, Joe Biden had this dude poisoned, twice, and he died, twice, and CAME BACK TO LIFE…TWICE. Either Rudy Giuliani is a very bad lawyer or Joe Biden is very bad at poisoning people. Somebody should really ask him about that at the next debate, because I think the American President should be, at minimum, a competent assassin.
There are certainly less cathartic things than watching loudmouth Trumpkin MMA fighter Colby Covington get his jaw broken by American citizen/Nigerian immigrant/all-around badass Kamaru Usman, a few hours after sharing an endorsement video featuring President Crotchrot’s Large Adult Sons. Dude, if you don’t want millions to delight in your ass-whoopin’, don’t show up in a MAGA cap, spouting racist garbage.
On the Sunday Shoz, Republicans continued Operation: Gaslighting Feebly, desperately hoping no one would fact-check their long-ago-debunked misinformation. Rand Paul tried pulling the “Donald Trump is a mighty anti-corruption warrior” bit, but Jake Tapper pointed out that for a guy who cares so much about corruption, he sure did run a fraudulent university and a fraudulent charity and also surround himself with an inordinate number of felons, and Paul tried to kill Tapper with his mind, but was unsuccessful.
And Ted Cruz accused Democrats of not caring about corruption, as part of his ongoing campaign to cover up Donald Trump’s corruption, which is more or less his whole job now, I bet that’s fulfilling. Cruz further claimed Democrats are too pathetically cowed to stand up for their own spouses and parents, and that they all have shitty, embarrassing beards.
The Velveeta Vulgarian, in one of those hours-long Twitter rants that occupy his time while his Idiot Trade War decimates the American agricultural sector, went after Nancy Pelosi’s…wait, her teeth? God, he’s not even a good bully, y’know? After seven decades on Earth, devoted primarily to breaking laws and saying shitty things, he can’t even fling an insult without everyone everywhere immediately realizing, “oh, he’s projecting again.”
Confusion reigns in Shartopia, as Team Treasonweasel apparently actually managed to convince themselves that the “strategy” of trotting subpar white dudes like Doug Collins and Gym Jordan out in front of the cameras to scream and flail and shit on their desks would make America forget all about the Fascist Farthuffer’s high crimes n’ misdemeanors, and flock to him in the millions, begging forgiveness for ever choosing the dumb ol’ Constitution over his rotten, fetid, corruption. Adding insult to injury, it was a Fux Nooz poll that delivered the blow. Ouch.
William Webster, who formerly served as director of both the FBI and the CIA, which is like the national security equivalent of EGOTing, wrote a little op-ed in the Failing New York Times about how the authoritarian assaults on law enforcement by Hairplug Himmler and his pet Attorney General, William Barr, are, y’know, bad. Now, Webster is deeply respected, and Republican, but I’m sure by the time you read this, he’ll have been tarred as just another nefarious deep state operative by the right wing propaganda machine.
We’re basically coming down to decent, competent, thoughtful, patriots versus screeching cretins. And I’m starting to see what the cretins get out of this, honestly. If expertise were still valued, would a theocratic thug like Mike Pompeo ever even sniff real power? If it weren’t for Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, Stephen Miller would still be toiling ineffectually on Jeff Sessions’ staff, now he’s tormenting millions of people all over the globe. It’s Revenge of the Almost-But-Not-Quite Mediocre, and frankly, I think America can do better.
And Carly Fiorina, who you may remember as Ted Cruz’s “running mate” for about a 1.5 Scaramuccis, declared her position on impeachment, which seems to be Impeachment is Super Important But Removal is Probably Bad Also I Reserve the Right to Vote Dotard in 2020, and I’m not even going to TRY to understand how such an utterly batshit ethical balancing act works, but maybe some really masochistic scientist is up to the challenge?
Hey, due to website glitches over the weekend, the ACA open enrollment period has been extended to this Wednesday, December 18th, 3 A.M. EST. Spread the word, because your current government won’t; they have this weird thing where they don’t want American citizens to know about the health care coverage they’re legally entitled to, because they hate us and want us to suffer. Yeah, I think it’s weird, too.
Let’s wrap this thing up on a great big victory, shall we? After decades of running scared from the blood-crazed death merchants over at the National Rifle Association, we just straight fuckin’ beat the bastards. For the first time since the 1990’s, Congress has appropriated millions for federal research on gun violence! Mr. LaPierre, I hope you’ve made your donors buy you plenty of Kleenex for that mansion of yours, because you’ve got a lot of losing ahead you, and like, people use tissues to wipe away tears when they’re sad, from like, losing and stuff, is the joke I was goin’ for. Ok, I kinda lost control of this paragraph, folks, but I’ll be back in form next time, promise.
…but for now, I’m goin’ drinkin’. Anyway, I’ve got some work to do on a fun new project that I’m absolutely dying to tell y’all about, but it’s not quiiiiiiiiiite time.