Oooooo, holiday madness! Different!

Hey there, folks. The insanity seems to be merely simmering this long holiday weekend, congress is in recess and Baron Golfin von Fatfuk merrily roams his natural habitat for a few extra days. But let’s check in real quick.

Still, what better way to ring in our annual celebration of Independence and Liberty than by undermining the free press, and encouraging violence against journalists, amiright? C’mon in, grab a hot dog, there’s a condiment bar over there by the ammo bin!

Yup yup, the Candycorn Skidmark, having ceased his emotional development as a toddler, passed on a cutesy little gif from his wrasslin’ days, o-so-cleverly doctored to make it look as though it was CNN (or I guess some cube-faced, CNN-branded genetic experiment gone wrong) and not Vince McMahon he was taking out with his poorly-executed clothesline (Seriously, man, a referee could pull that move off better! Can’t you do any fucking thing right?), because that it a normal thing that 70-year-old men do.

For extra fun, the gif in question seems to have been created by one of the grimier racist trolls dwelling near the vents of the sewage treatment plant of Reddit’s sphinctersphere or whatever the fuck the MRA/gamergate/alt-human crowd feels like calling themselves, I honestly don’t give a shit.

Amusingly, this information comes to us on the first anniversary of Drumpfy’s equally made-by-racist-trolls Star of David tweet, remember that? If a Twitter Trumpkin still insists the ol’ God Emperor isn’t racist, and no one believes him, does he make a sound as he masturbates, alone in his mom’s basement, to anime?

Oh, and Smallhands Magoo is getting ready for his big performance review, heh, ‘scuse me, “meeting” with Daddy Vlad at the G20 summit. Word is, he isn’t planning on even lightly admonishing Putin for his repeated, sustained attacks on our nation’s democracy, because…well…

…because the President of the United States doesn’t care about the country’s security. At all.

Isn’t that a weird lil’ thing to be dealing with? I confess, nothing in my American history n’ civics schooling prepared me for the eventuality of the country being led by a butthole-faced dirtbag who cares more about being criticized on cable tv than about protecting the nation from foreign attacks. EVERY DAY IS A NEW ADVENTURE I GUESS.

Meanwhile, Kris Kobach continues to receive “Go fuck yourself” responses from various state-level officials for his sinisterly pathetic attempted data grab. Sources close to Kobach tell me he plans on collecting them all in a tasteful binder, displayed alongside those collectible state-themed quarters from a few years back. He hopes to eventually give the binder to his grandchildren in an effort to bribe them into communicating with him, but they won’t, because Grampa Kris is white supremacist who tried to sell his country out to petty authoritarians, and no one will say his name without immediately spitting.

Oh, and Kris got hit with a Hatch Act complaint, lots of that going around these days. Almost enough to make you think these fucks fancy themselves above the law. Tick tock, assholes.

Team Shart is reportedly at work on a plan to smuggle Sunny D-bag into Great Britain on short notice so nobody has enough time to organize protests. Do they think it takes, like, a month and a half to make a posterboard sign that says “Oi, fuck off ye wee-fingered cunt?” Geniuses, the people ain’t.

Speaking of genius, the Senile Circus Peanut pried himself away from the teevee long enough to deliver some batshit remarks about space, while Buzz Aldrin looked at him like the child-brained lunatic he is, and we had a little a laugh, because if he’s babbling incoherently about space travel, I guess he can’t order the bombing of Cleveland because Jerry Springer made fun of him on Twitter.

Chris Christie, with approval ratings lower that “Having Syphilis and Being Set on Fire and Also You Live in a Port-a-Potty,” decided he has nothing left to lose and went FULL JAG this weekend. After shutting down the government, (and thus all public parks and beaches) in a budget scrap with his legislature, Governor Jag took his family out for a private party on one of the beaches the people own, but can’t use this holiday weekend because Christie shut the government down. And of course he lied about it, and of course he caught in the lie, photographed by some enterprising journalists at NJ Advanced Media (journalists are the fuckin’ BEST, y’all).

This is NOT what Bruce Springsteen would do, Chris. I wonder if we got a kickstarter going, if we could commission The Boss to write a song about what a sad sorry sack o’ shit Chris Christie is. Somebody get on that.

The Anthropomorphic Outhouse apparently caught wind of the tragic story of Charlie Gard, and decided to use a grieving family to score some cheap points. He offered them his help in transporting Charlie to the United States for an experimental treatment with an extremely low chance of success. It seems almost noble, until you remember the GOP “healthcare” (how Paul Ryan says that without cackling like a demon escapes me) bill he’s been pushing would kick millions off medicaid and impose lifetime coverage caps, directly creating God knows how many thousands of Charlie Gards.

But still, the Breitbart crowd takes this as proof that their boy is history’s great humanitarian now. And they’ll likely keep on believing it right up ’till the moment when Tom Price shows up at their door to reclaim their transplanted kidney for non-payment of bills. (Price reportedly likes to rip the repossessed organs out with his bare hands, chanting “KALI MAAAAAAAAA” at the top of his lungs.)

In the midst of all this fuckery, Fox News is so desperate to cover any damn thing except the actual news they actually put some kid who cleaned up Tangerine Idi Amin’s walk of fame star on the air. Kid, you can wipe it off, but that thing’s still gonna get pissed on more than All the Urinal Cakes West of the Mississippi Put Together.

But hey, the news ain’t all bad, resisters! Swamp Thing Villain Scott Pruitt lost a big court case on pollution standards, and the death merchants at the NRA lost a stand-yer-ground case in Florida. And if nothing else, we’re one day closer to the Goddamn Midterms, which you should all vote in.

Anyway, have a happy Fourth, everybody! Hope Drumpf doesn’t sell your hometown to Putin for a handful of shiny, shiny beads!