American Madness Journal
This was supposed to be an easy, pleasant, weekend. I was gonna get to see BLACK PANTHER, which would bring me as much joy as it brought Ben Shapiro existential terror. But no, the Madness intervened yet again, so here I sit, with a six pack and the internet's...read more
Today was nutty, even by the dryer-full-of-badgers standards to which we've grown accustomed, right? I sorta wish I could get those creepy-ass North Korean cheerleaders to deliver tonight's post, that seems appropriately gonzo. The entire planet was rocked by the news...read more
When I was a kid, Sunday nights meant curling up with the Simpsons and the X-Files (and Touched by an Angel, because I was dating a Baptist girl), but now I'm stuck wading through the weekend news, hoping nobody started WWIII. Less fun. We're all just puttering...read more
Friends, I know the news batters us relentlessly these days, like a tornado in a hammer factory, but things aren't all bad! Why, Senator Angus King has successfully procured the lobster emoji his home state of Maine has long desired! WE'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT! First of...read more
The weekend was relatively quiet, so you sort of expected the calm wouldn't last. It didn't. So open a bag of new Crunchless Doritos For Her, pour yourself a glass of Hush, the Menfolk Are Talking brand boxed wine, and strap yourself in for the Monday Nite Madness...read more
I don't know how much more of this shit I can take, Resisters. I ate my therapy peacock three hours ago and now I'm picking my teeth with her last tail feather. "Oh, it can't be that bad, Cap. You're exaggerating, Cap. Let's poke around a bit, it'll calm you down."...read more
Well, looks like Tom Hanks will be playing Mr. Rogers in a forthcoming biopic, and if that isn't the most heartwarming thing I've heard in months, I don't know what is. Cling to that image, of Tom Hanks warmly intoning, "Won't you be my neighbor?" because the rest of...read more
Well, the Velveeta Vulgarian is out of the country for a bit. Less welcome at home than a wolverine with diarrhea, the President took his Desperate Need For Approval Since Daddy Never Loved Me Tour to Davos, hoping the world's financial elite would finally be...read more
Hey Donnie, Maybe Bob Mueller is YOUR Soulmate! Or, Never Throw the Talking Stick Near the Glass Elephant!
Hey, let's start with some good news for a change! Tammy Duckworth is pregnant with her second child and will be the first United States Senator in history to give birth while in office! Congratulations, Senator Duckworth! Cling to that warm fuzzy feeling, because...read more
Shutdown! Things’ll be Great When You’re Shutdown! No Finer Place for Sure! Shutdown! Everything’s Waiting For You!
Gotta admit, I'm kinda pissed, Resisters. I was supposed to go to a 9-dollar-per-plate Boston Market dinner last night, but noooooooooooo! A certain spray-tanned, sphincter-faced assclown had to shut down the government! Maybe all of Washington is ineptly bumbling...read more
Hey folks...just hanging around, waiting for the government to shut down, with a snifter full of laudanum and a box of Target wine, thought I'd see if you wanted to give the week's madness a once-over. Let's start with a little good gnus. Team Blue flipped a ruby red...read more
With the three-day weekend, surely the madness slowed down, if only a bit, right? No? Fuck. Fine. Sprinkle some bath salts on your Tide Pods, and let's wade through the muck. I have to admit I'm impressed with the legs on ShitholeGate*. We've grown accustomed to...read more
See the Contortionist GOP Defend Their Racist Ringmaster! Watch the Clowns Hilariously Fail to Work the Phones! It’s a CIRCUS OF NEWS!
Hey there, Resisters. Just another quiet, Rockwell-esque weekend, as Americans gathered 'round the dinner table to talk about what a racist piece of trash our President is, unless of course they were cowering in the family fallout shelter. Let's round up the madness,...read more
Even by our current Cuckoo's Nest standards, this has been an unusually nutty week, right? My news feed has been like a meth lab full of howler monkeys. This one's gonna take a while, so let's dive right in... So, a number of Congressional Republicans, in partnership...read more
Hey everybody! How're you enjoying 2018 so far? The national debate about whether or not the President of the United States is an unhinged man-child who could plunge the planet into nuclear war over a twitter insult sure is fun and relaxing, isn't it? It's like living...read more
Hey folks, Shower Cap got hit with the flu, so I've spent most of the time since our last update giving offerings to the Porcelain God. Anyway, it's only been a couple of days, I couldn't have missed much, right? ...never mind. Ok, folks. Strap on your hazmat suit,...read more
New Year’s Insanity Round-Up: Somebody Tell Rubio He’s a Senator, Plus Get Ready to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!
Well, we finally dragged 2017, raving, syphilitic, and oozing pus, out behind the shed and gave it two right between the eyes. Suck it, Old Yeller. And Baby 2018, perhaps still blissfully unaware of what's in store for it, gurgles, smiles, and shits its pants. Let's...read more
Your Late Xmas Gift, the Chance to Laugh at Moore, Haley, Milo, Huckabee, Hatch, & All the Other Clowns
Hello, Resisters! I hope whatever holidays you celebrate and/or are at war with treated you well. Me, I got a stocking full of BAT SHIT. Let's starting diggin' through it. Everyone laughed at Albino Prune Orrin Hatch when he proudly accepted the prestigious "Utahn of...read more
The weather outside is frightful. And SO IS THE FUCKING NEWS! You thought you were getting carols? We're fresh outta carols. What we have is MADNESS, and we've got it oozing from every orifice. Sing about THAT. How are you celebrating the holiday season, Resisters?...read more
Congratulate the GOP on their Tax Bill, The Pyrrhicest Victory of All Time. Also, “Pyrrhicest” is a Word Now
I think the nonstop insanity of 2017 has finally entirely overwhelmed the GOP. Having passed a universally-despised bill that will certainly destroy their congressional majorities in 11 short months, these delusional old men are partying like it's 1899, and they're...read more
In the future, those of us that survive will gather in the bars and the churches, to share the stories and show the scars we earned in the Amazon War of ‘18. “Grandad still has a hunk of cardboard packaging in his chest, from the Second Battle of Prime Day,” the...read more
I tell ya folks, as more and more of my life gets packed up into boxes (moving soon), I have fewer and fewer distractions from the daily news horrorshow. My life is down to me, some spoons, and Donald Trump right now, and I kinda hate it. Wilbur Ross woke up just long...read more
Gosh, it's been almost quiet lately. Reading the news today, I've barely banged my head on the keyboard in despair and frustration enough to break the skin! Mike Pants emerged from his bunker just long enough tap his boss on the shoulder and say “Excuse me your...read more
Looking at my Facebook page, I discovered that yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of the first post in the series that would eventually become this blog. Things were kinda nutty that day, and I wrote “this is the most insane day in American politics that I have ever...read more
Days like this, I have to wonder if I'm in the Matrix, y'know? Hey, if I'm in the Matrix, and you're reading this and you control the Matrix, could I maybe get hooked to up to a less stressful environment? Like maybe Dresden during the firebombing? Since superheroes...read more