American Madness Journal

 This transition shit is killing me, y’all. Longtime readers know I’ve often likened life under the Turd Reich to being trapped in a dryer full of hammers and badgers. Ok, so the dryer has finally stopped now, and I love that, I do, but the badgers are still a...

 Look, I didn’t expect things to be totally back to normal by now; that’s obviously not a reasonable ask. At the same time, I feel as though we all expected the promised reduction in the daily delirium levels to have kicked in by now, instead we’re still stuck in...

 I think I speak for everyone in asking, “Whose bright fucking idea was it to stretch out the transition so goddamn long?” It’s waaaaaaaay past time to start tossing all the ill-fitting suits and stale cheeseburgers out on the White House lawn. Get on with it.We’re...

 Y’know, I really do love worrying less about what the crazy man is doing with the power of the American presidency, but watching the Republican Party congeal into its next, apparently equally grotesque form is...hoo boy. It’s somethin’. Like, “oh, we’re keeping ALL...

 Ah, another wondrous, fun-filled week, trapped in America with an idiot death cult hellbent on playing chicken with objective reality. You can check out any time you like, but...well, you know. I’m not gonna lie, the winning has been spectacular, but watching the...

 Well, I trust everyone enjoyed their long holiday weekend, and gave thanks for the extremely amusing ongoing downfall of one Donald John Trump, until recently the President of the United States, now merely an aesthetically displeasing perpetual motion losing machine....

 While it’s certainly better than Hell, I confess I have yet to find my footing in our current Limbo. Like, we finally shut the malfunctioning thrill ride down after four long years, and it’s certainly nice not to be flung through the air at a hundred miles per hour...

 What if they threw a coup, and only the densest, skeeviest, mouthbreathingest clown school dropouts showed up? I swear, the textbooks of the future are going to switch without warning to comic sans when they reach this stupid, stupid period in American history....

 Greetings from the purgatorial asylum we are calling...the Transition. All this mad, wacky, falling action is interesting enough, I suppose, in a Seriously Fiction Just Fucking TRY to Top This Shit sort of way, but if we could skip to the part where we all get to...

 Just on an emotional level, I find myself grateful for this transition period; if we switched from daily hate rallies to Biden-y normalcy overnight, we’d get the bends, surely. I guess I’m enjoying the leisurely stroll out of Shitty Wonderland, reminiscing about all...

 Forgive me if I’m a little off my game tonight, friends; I just feel a bit...I dunno, it’s hard to describe. It’s a vaguely familiar sensation, but I can’t quite place it. It isn’t dread, or disgust, or outrage, or any of the negative emotions one simply accepts as...

 My friends, please forgive me, I need to do something a little different tonight. First of all, I don’t think I could possibly handle reliving this week; it was overwhelming and exhausting the first time ‘round, and besides, there are only so many ways to say, “and...

 Well, my antifa comrades, I can scarcely believe the day has finally arrived. Operation: Jade Helm has entered its final stages, and the destruction of the suburbs is imminent. Time to see what this coalition, forged by four years of relentless Resistance, can do....

 Ah, it’s the most wonderful time of the year! No doubt you’re enjoying your frantic doomscrolling, your increasingly nuanced opinions on individual pollsters, and the mocking striptease of the calendar, peeling off those last few pages, as we await our fate. I’ll cut...

 For a moment, it looked like things might almost quiet down a bit for the home stretch, but now it’s sweeps week, motherfuckers, and 2020 is here to deliver one final atomic wedgie before leaving us to our fate. Look, we all know time’s gonna pass glacially between...

 So, everything is, obviously, still largely insane, but, I dunno...it’s starting to feel like maybe we’re near the end of the detox scene in Trainspotting? Like, we got through the baby-on-the-ceiling part, and maybe we’re finally approaching a point when life will...

 Don’t get me wrong, the addition of hope and anticipation to the customary outrage n’ despair cocktail has been a largely positive development, but, well, I may be feeling just a wee bit overstimulated lately. Anyway, I’m sure fourteen days of time passing like those...

 After four years in Hell, I am pleased to report the bastards have, despite their best efforts, failed to grind me down. In fact, there’s a spring in my step today, because since we last met, Dear Reader, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of voting for Joseph Robinette...

 October, 2020. I never thought it would actually come. Things are fairly insane, as we knew they’d be, but I admit I’m pleasantly surprised by the relative lack of signs which could be construed as compatible with the End Times mythology of any major world religion....

 God, we’re so close. We’ve known all along it would get worse at the end, as this human skidmark lashes out with all his might, backed by the terrifying power of the American Presidency. We knew it would suck, and HOLY BALLS IT SUCKS SO VERY, VERY HARD, but I think I...

 Look, I certainly appreciate that the poo-flinging howler monkeys are no longer in charge. And I realize that it is not reasonable at this relatively early point in time to expect a political environment in which zero poo is flung at me by zero howler monkeys, but...

 Has anybody hit their quarantiniversary yet? I’m starting to make plans for mine; I ordered a really soft, fancy pillow I’m planning to scream into for a few hours, and then maybe I’ll order some tiramisu to eat out of a styrofoam delivery container that was designed...

 Well, I don’t know about y’all, but I was just thinking that after an entire year of soul-crushing quarantine, what I really needed was a prolonged period of even more intense isolation, ideally brought about by an extreme weather event, because my life wasn’t quite...

 How’s everybody enjoying the new normal? It’s...slightly more relaxing, anyway. Slightly. Like, sure, we’re still clinging to a tiny slab of rock in the middle of a live volcano, but there’s tea now. And little triangle-shaped cucumber sandwiches. Quitcher bitchin’....

 If I can borrow a gag, life in the United States these days is like, having finally been liberated from the face-eating tyranny of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party, millions of folks started throwing tantrums because their own faces remained uneaten, and...