American Madness Journal

 Holy heck what a week. I know what happened, too. One of you fuckers said, “well at least things can’t possibly get worse,” I fucking know you did. Said it right out loud, didn’tcha? Like the universe wouldn’t hear you? Which one of you was it? Fess up, or I fart all...

 Greetings fellow human capital stock! I trust you enjoyed your holiday weekend, but it is now time to return to your unsafe workplaces, or, if you are too unhealthy to do so, to your nearest Soylent processing plant. I will round up the news with you, but only if you...

  Well, it was nice out today, so I got to write on the back porch, which is 15 feet from my bedroom, instead of in the living room, which is 10 feet from my bedroom, so it’s been pretty fucking thrilling over here, I may need to take some sort of rest cure to...

 Well, things’ve been kinda rough lately, I won’t deny it. So I asked the orderly to loosen my straitjacket a little and maybe throw some hallucinogens in with my regular meds, and now I figure I’m good for at least another six weeks of quarantine, here in the...

 Well, friends, I was worried for a moment that I was experiencing symptoms of somethin’ sorta serious, but then I remembered that my throat was only sore from screaming YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME at the news all day, and my headache was likely the result of pounding...

  To fend off the boredom, I’ve purchased a small container of little green army men. I set ‘em up on a table, and I pretend they’re armed wingnuts, protesting stay-at-home orders. Then I pretend one of them has asymptomatic COVID-19, and I move him through the...

 Another week trapped inside with nothing but the news to keep me company is like being locked in a pigs-feet-pickling factory that installed heat lamps for some reason. Boy, that is one clumsy-ass metaphor, but I’m worn out by this shit. Let’s plow through the news...

 When we tell the stories of these batguano-coated days to our grandchildren, the sudden appearance of murder hornets is when they’re gonna roll their eyes and tell us we’re full of shit. Fuck ‘em. They weren’t there. We had to live through all this crap:Many have...

 TGIF, right? Assuming it really is Friday, I certainly can’t tell anymore. TGI...Sometime, I suppose. I am reasonably certain time still exists, if only because I periodically see commercials for television shows that haven’t happened yet. Well, let’s round up (what...

  So, how’re you holding up under quarantine? Is your family driving you mad yet? Are you beginning to entertain Saw film fantasies about your spouse/parent/child/roommate? Feel free to discuss your grotesque, labyrinthine, plots in the comments; don’t worry,...

 Well, the shelter-in-place orders are getting extended, and human civilization is a rapidly-fading memory. But we can still gather ‘round a campfire digitally, dammit, and we don’t even need to wear masks! So pour yourself a tall, frosty, glass of bleach, and let’s...

 So, on a scale of 1 to The Shining, how’re you handling your quarantine? I’m holding up reasonably well at the moment, but let’s just say I’m glad there are no axes in the house. All blog and no beer makes Cap a dull boy indeed. Anyhoo, let’s do the news, yeah? Small...

 I ran out of beer so I had to put on pants for a little while today, but otherwise my devolution into a non-civilized primate is coming along quite nicely, thank you. I figure I’ll keep blogging as long as I still have opposable thumbs, so here’s the news: No sooner...

 You may be trapped inside your home, but you know you can’t escape the madness. No, it’s all around you, it’s been renewed for three more seasons on Netflix, it’s pissing in your last container of Lysol wipes, it’s arriving on your very doorstep right this minute via...

  So, I have an imaginary friend now. I call her Quarantina and we talk all day and I’m jealous because she lives in a swing state so her vote would count if she were real and no I don’t think my mental health has been affected by weeks of isolation but the news...

 Hey there! Congratulations on surviving! Living through another week in an America under siege from both the coronavirus and Donald Trump’s boneheaded, homicidal, mismanagement is like fire-walking across the mouth of an erupting volcano while ogres throw hammers and...

 Hello! I’m television’s Jared Kushner, and my Daddy-in-Law nationalized this blog and gave it to me to run! Now, I know you fans of Bath Captain enjoy your humor, so I’ve decided to outsource tonight’s post to my close, personal, friend...CARROT TOP! I sure hope prop...

 How’s your quarantine goin’, Shower Captives? Oh, I’m fine. I’m certainly not thinking about installing a chandelier, just to have something to swing from. Nope. All totally normal thoughts rattling around in the cranium ‘neath the mask. Let’s round up the news...

  Hey, everybody. Hope you’re doing reasonably well out there, in this bizarre reality where the President of the United States is actively trying to kill you. If he shows up at your door, remember, just throw an open umbrella at him, and he’ll become confused...

 Well, it was difficult to find time in my busy schedule of drinking beer and perpetually re-sterilizing every inch of my apartment, but I figured I’d drop by for a quick news round-up. It’s been a real positive, uplifting, week, full of daisies and puppies and exotic...

 Hey there, Resisters, hope the federal government hasn’t abducted you into an unmarked van, but if they have, I hope you’re getting good enough reception in there to read my shit. Things’re just gonna keep getting crazier and crazier out here, so you may be better...

 The news sure is somethin’ these days. It’s been kind of interesting to discover that the worst people in the world are also the stupidest. It probably would’ve been more desirable to uncover that little nugget in a game of Scrabble, rather than by giving them...

I dunno how much more of this I can take, Resisters. I keep buying calendars and tearing off all the pages between now and next January, hoping I can trick time into letting me skip ahead because the only thing I want from life anymore is one week where I don’t have...

 Wow, and I thought I was stir-crazy back when I saw a potential end to quarantine conditions. Now that we’re in “oh, the ruling party has decided to pretend everything is just dandy, so we’re stuck with this shit until they’re dragged, biting and clawing, from the...

 Shit, even I can’t tell the difference between this blog and the last one anymore. I feel like “instead of fighting the coronavirus, President Crotchrot opted to unleash a racist tirade reminiscent of that one time Grandad got your whole family banned from Denny’s...