After all these weeks trapped in my apartment with no company save my own, one thing I’m increasingly certain of: that turtle I kept in a shoebox back in third grade must’ve fucking hated me. ‘Course, the turtle didn’t have the unceasing madness of the 24-hour news...

 Oh wow, things sure are zany these days. Zany zany zany. There’s this zany fascist destroying American democracy from the inside out, which is totally wacky and not at all terrifying. Well, I sure hope I’m not living through the Constitution’s dying days ha ha ha...

 You’ve probably noticed that I always start this blog with a little paragraph that goes, “golly, things sure are nutty,” but for real, it’s come to organized looting and surprise tornadoes up by me, so if I’m a little late posting this week, know that I’m probably...

 I’ve started sleeping with my head in the dryer, in an effort to keep the sensation of following the news going 24/7. Honestly, it didn’t do the trick at first, but then I added some bricks and an opossum from the dumpster out back to the dryer, and I have to say,...

 Welp, pretty normal day, honestly. Of course, lately “normal” means “a complete and total failure of government has left the United States utterly paralyzed before a pandemic much of the rest of the world has contained, also there’s a debate about whether or not to...

 Trying times, friends. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m right on the brink of discovering precisely how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of my fragile sanity. Ah yes, I believe I feel the beak of the owl crushing down on my skull even...

 I really don’t understand how we got here, friends. I think one overlooked possibility is that somebody found a magic lamp and wanted to see what it would look like if Gordon Gekko sold Wonderland to the shittiest people he knew. I’m certainly open to other theories,...

 I was gonna write “TGIF,” like the day of the week still matters at all, or the weekend brings some sort of release from the insanity that carpet-bombs our consciousness every minute of every day, but I decided against it. Fuck. It’s raining golf ball-sized batshit,...

 Hey there, Resisters, hope the federal government hasn’t abducted you into an unmarked van, but if they have, I hope you’re getting good enough reception in there to read my shit. Things’re just gonna keep getting crazier and crazier out here, so you may be better...

 The news sure is somethin’ these days. It’s been kind of interesting to discover that the worst people in the world are also the stupidest. It probably would’ve been more desirable to uncover that little nugget in a game of Scrabble, rather than by giving them...

I dunno how much more of this I can take, Resisters. I keep buying calendars and tearing off all the pages between now and next January, hoping I can trick time into letting me skip ahead because the only thing I want from life anymore is one week where I don’t have...

 Wow, and I thought I was stir-crazy back when I saw a potential end to quarantine conditions. Now that we’re in “oh, the ruling party has decided to pretend everything is just dandy, so we’re stuck with this shit until they’re dragged, biting and clawing, from the...

 Shit, even I can’t tell the difference between this blog and the last one anymore. I feel like “instead of fighting the coronavirus, President Crotchrot opted to unleash a racist tirade reminiscent of that one time Grandad got your whole family banned from Denny’s...

 I think it’s cute that I’m even bothering to write tonight, when I know all y’all are watching Hamilton. And that’s fine, you absolutely deserve the break. I assume the folks that’re actually reading this are the sadomasochistic news junkies that couldn’t look away...

  Anybody else spending their idle quarantine hours trying to figure some way to tunnel into the neighboring reality where Hillary Clinton is President and we can all eat at restaurants by now? No? Well, that’s totally why I’m slashing at the air in front of me...

 Three years of resisting has toughened you up, hasn’t it? After impeachment and COVID and the Bowling Green Massacre, surely you can handle anything. So when you hear about the massive dust plume from the Sahara Desert rolling over the United States, you just throw...

 Y’know, just the other day I was thinking that the one thing this shitshow was missing was the traumatizing soundscape of the modern battlefield, so a big fat thumbs up to whoever added the all-night fireworks shows to the simulation; it’s that kind of loving...

Hey, I know everything is fucking awful these days and it’s hard to stay sane, let alone happy, but congratulations on a surviving another week in this apocalyptic hellscape where the President of the United States has partnered with a deadly virus to KILL YOU. Those...

 So, today, I saw a headline that read, “Americans are the unhappiest they've been in 50 years, poll finds,” and I’ve been emitting little unhinged giggles ever since, because, like, YA THINK? Gotta admit, looking upon the hellscape that is the news cycle doesn’t...

 Reading the news these days is like running with the bulls, only instead of bulls they’re really angry clowns and instead of running you’re just sitting in the middle of the street, having a bad acid trip, while the clowns trample you. And then you wake up the next...

 God, we’re so close. We’ve known all along it would get worse at the end, as this human skidmark lashes out with all his might, backed by the terrifying power of the American Presidency. We knew it would suck, and HOLY BALLS IT SUCKS SO VERY, VERY HARD, but I think I...

 Sometimes I see the kids on the internet say someone is “having a normal one” when actually that someone is behaving highly abnormally, usually in a Look at This Screeching Freak sort of way. So when I say “the news is having a normal one,” I actually mean quite the...

 Like all of you, I’ve come to expect the worst of 2020, but I really thought Rick Moranis was understood to be off-limits. I’m gonna guess you don’t need me to tell you shit has been restaurant-quality cray this week, so let’s wade through this stuff so we can all...

 When I am old, I will sit on a rocking chair on my porch and children will periodically approach to ask Old Man Cap what it was like, living through the death throes of Donald Trump’s attempted fascist coup, and I will chase those little bastards away with my cane...

 It’s weird to be so confined, so solitary and stationary, while this mad age whizzes by on the screens of our little devices. It’s like being trapped, barefoot, on a treadmill made of sewage and broken glass that we can never, ever, ever, ever shut off. Yup yup,...