American Madness Journal
In this season of Thanksgiving, let me express my gratitude for the Great Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave, and everyone who made it possible. And for beer, of course. And um...the Doobie Brothers are pretty cool, I guess. Enough schmaltzy shit, let's do the news.Let's kick...read more
I know asking y’all to stick around for my deliberately-overlong blog post is particularly challenging today, because everyone is plum tuckered out by all the WINNING. But shit is marginally less cray this week, and tempered by plenty of good news, so curl up with a...read more
I hope you'll bear with me, True Believers, as I dedicate today's post to the late great Stan Lee. I'm sure I don't need to talk about his influence on me, you probably gleaned it from the tone. Or maybe the outfit. Anyhow, let's call this one...Cap's Soapbox.That...read more
Hey there Shower Captives! How does it feel to have a few big fat fuckin’ WINS under your belt? How does it feel to have finally, FINALLY installed some checks on this wannabe-authoritarian goon squad's power? I'm pretty sure it feels good, though I haven't sobered up...read more
One Last Shower Cap Update Before We All Go Back to Obsessively Staring at the Clock Waiting for the Midterms Results to Roll In
Time sure is passin’ a little slower than usual today, isn’t it? It's like every childhood Xmas rolled up into one, only there's a small chance all those tantalizing packages under the tree turn out to be filled with scorpions and ebola and Dane Cook DVDs. Well, let...read more
The news...good lord, the NEWS. “Hey Cap, just for today, why don't you only tell me the parts that aren't about mega-racist shitsacks being mega-racist?” Because the blog would be like, three paragraphs long, that's why. Welcome to Republican Closing Argument Time, a...read more
Well, with the midterms a few short days away, Infrastructure Week has given way to White Supremacist Terror Week, and I confess, watching the American President do everything he can to provoke division, fear, and outright hatred, I'm nostalgic for the early days of...read more
This Week, We Learned Just How Much a Painting of Trump is Worth. Oh, Also There was Some Terrorism.
A number of readers have written in recent weeks to lament the seeming abandonment of the “shit be cray” phrase on this blog. I just figured that shit was so cray all the time that y’all were tired of hearing about how cray shit is, but rest assured...shit remains...read more
I tell you folks, the bungling incompetence and pathetic dishonesty I can handle, but the hatred? Some days, the hatred wears me out. I'm getting mighty tired of living in Eli Roth's unproduced Pleasantville sequel, is all I'm sayin’. Looks like John Bolton is finally...read more
Turned on the news today, saw it was full of the shittiest people on Earth betraying American values to line their own pockets, and I wondered, “is this a re-run?” Mitch McConnell, like an overeager actor who rushes onstage five scenes too early, just couldn't stop...read more
We're a little over three short weeks away from the headline I've been jonesin’ for since November 2016: “After Years of Assholes Running Amok, the Good Guys Finally Win!” and I am READY FOR IT, folks. It's like a fat piece of chocolate cake for dessert after you've...read more
This Week We Have to Shame our President Into Condemning the Murder of a Journalist. Citizenship is Fun!
Well, we've graduated from tut-tutting about civility to locking ourselves in the safe room as the mob of torch-wielding Democrats circles the old family mansion. Whatever. As Eric Holder said, “When they go low, we tie them to the fire ant hill, and laugh at their...read more
This Last-Minute Surge in Voter Enthusiasm is Brought to You by Post-Kavanaugh Gloating and…Taylor Swift?
Hey everybody, no blog tonight, I just don't have anything to say, honestl-oh hang on, the Soros check just showed up, special delivery! I guess I can continue with my paid activism which is only purchased and certainly not sincere now! Well, we began the week with...read more
Hey folks, slow news day with the “holiday,” so I'm doing something a little different tonight. Since we're in the home stretch before our long-awaited opportunity to fire a bunch of complicit GOP assclowns in the 2018 midterms, I figured I'd put together a little...read more
Hey, today sure sucked, huh? I'll always remember October 5th, 2018 as the day Susan Collins droned endlessly on while somebody took a jackhammer to my crotch. Next year I'll bake a cake shaped like Susan Collins droning endlessly on while somebody takes a jackhammer...read more
This one was hard, friends. For the first time, shit was so abominable, I didn't WANT to blog about it. The news has been like a cheese grater, slowly, painfully, eroding my brain into a pile of taco toppings. I wanna stick my head in a sauna till it sweats out the...read more
Fuck, y’all. I am no longer equal to this moment. Today cries out for a monologue from Howard Beale, but like, a sweaty, WWF-style 'roid rage Howard Beale, screaming “I'm as mad as hell, and I'LL SEE YOU INSIDE A STEEL CAGE AT SUMMERSLAM!!!! We were given terrifying...read more
Well, I'm blasted out of my mind on allergy meds again, Shower Captives, so I can't strictly vouch for my accuracy tonight. If I write a paragraph about Mazie Hirono riding a griffin to Capitol Hill and letting it eat Orrin Hatch...just double-check my work, is all...read more
Hey there, Shower Captives, I'm back from a much-needed weekend of re-charging and relaxation, courtesy of Riot Fest Chicago. I tried to go cold turkey, but I confess I kept checking the news until my battery died and I was forced to just, y'know...live in the moment...read more
Congratulations to the Victims of Hurricane Maria, You’ve Been Upgraded from “Tragically, Senselessly Killed” to “Non-Existent”
Reading the news in the morning is like getting shaken awake by carnies, who proceed to shove you against your will into the human cannonball, then blast you face-first into a septic tank. Over and over. Every damn day. It wouldn't be so bad if they'd let you have a...read more
Hey there baby killers! Look, I know you're all busy killing babies (MONDAYS, AMIRITE?), but I wanted to get a news roundup in real quick. Let's wade through muck together, and then we can all get back to our infanticide. Shortly after my last post, the Hairplug That...read more
The News, or, How Many White Supremacists Does it Take to Ruin the Week when an Avengers Movie Comes Out?
Kind of a light week, news-wise...it was like a meth-addled badger got dropped on our heads just twice a day, instead of hourly, like we're used to, how refreshing. Well, let's power through this shit so we can all enjoy our Great Big Superhero Fight and our Great...read more
Feelin’ a little jittery tonight, Shower Captives...I assume the choice to consume a dozen Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs was unwise, but I am powerless before the Monday-after-Easter candy sales. Let's try and get through the news before the sugar crash hits.We'll start...read more
Woooo, it's been a fuckin’ ride this week, huh? We've all been waiting for Bill Barr to finish up the whitewashing gig he was hired for, and personally, I was up all night redacting your mom. I almost didn't get a blog up today.Exciting news for Devin “Pigfucker”...read more
Breaking: President Trump Upset Notre Dame Fire Distracting From Attempts to Incite Violence Against Rep. Omar
Hey, did everybody have a nice day? The regular shitshow takes on a whole new dimension when you're watching Notre Dame burn in the background. Here in the American Madhouse, it didn't even seem out of place, and when the spire collapsed, you said to yourself, “yeah,...read more