American Madness Journal

Ask Not at Whom the Pineapple Flies, Mr. Trump; It Flies at Thee

Ask Not at Whom the Pineapple Flies, Mr. Trump; It Flies at Thee

  I feel like there are two kinds of news stories these days: those demonstrating the catastrophic consequences of empowering the rageful nationalism sweeping through the global Right, and the ones about America’s Republican Party looking upon those consequences...

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Vladimir Putin in the Multiverse of Consequences

Vladimir Putin in the Multiverse of Consequences

  In many ways, the universe has been telling humanity the same story, over and over again, for at least half a decade now, and the moral of that story is that Nationalists Cannot Do One Fucking Thing Right, on account of the debilitating inefficiencies of their...

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BREAKING: Right Wing Hatred, Idiocy Ruin Everything (YES, AGAIN)

BREAKING: Right Wing Hatred, Idiocy Ruin Everything (YES, AGAIN)

  If anybody had this week in the office pool as the one when the world’s many asshats would finally stop fucking more or less everything up, and let the rest of us just LIVE OUR FUCKING LIVES IN PEACE, you lost your fucking money, didn’tcha? Well, feel free to...

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Remind Me Again, Mr. Putin, What Happens When We Fuck Around?

Remind Me Again, Mr. Putin, What Happens When We Fuck Around?

  Y’know, I’ve been writing these posts for five fucking years now. I’m just…I’m really, REALLY ready to live anywhere other than here, at this hellishly inescapable intersection of idiocy and indecency. Someplace with better restaurants and fewer violently angry...

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In Putin’s Russia, War Crimes Commit YOU!

In Putin’s Russia, War Crimes Commit YOU!

  I feel like “don’t put assholes in charge” is probably the single clearest lesson of human history, and yet here we are again, dealing with the inevitable, catastrophic consequences of Putting Assholes in Charge. At the risk of upending an already contentious...

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Hitler, But Dumber: The Vladimir Putin Story

Hitler, But Dumber: The Vladimir Putin Story

  See, this is why you don’t let narcissistic assholes run counties. Because countries come with armies. We should have known, I suppose, that even war would find a way to be dumber in this age of fuckheads run amuck, but my God, it’s soul-crushing, how stupid...

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Knockoff Hitler Gets His War, and Other Unmitigated Horseshit

Knockoff Hitler Gets His War, and Other Unmitigated Horseshit

  Y’know, my greatest hope is that the need for this blog will fade with time, that the madness dies down, and the billions of humans who just want to get through this damn life with minimal bullshit will no longer be subject to the insane whims of the shittiest...

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Welcome to the Bouncy Castle Insurrection (Everything is Very Stupid)

Welcome to the Bouncy Castle Insurrection (Everything is Very Stupid)

 Didja see where CNN hired George Orwell’s Force Ghost as an on-air contributor? You’d think he’d have tons of useful insight to offer, but he mostly just yells, “I fucking TOLD you! Why didn’t anyone fucking LISTEN?” and cries. Which, looking at the news, I totally...

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I Got Yer Legitimate Political Discourse RIGHT HERE

I Got Yer Legitimate Political Discourse RIGHT HERE

 Y’know, the way I sorta judge how things’re going in this country boils down to, “is there more Nazi shit going on than last week, or less?” and I tell you, folks, since that fateful escalator ride what seems like a fucking century ago, the answer hasn’t been “less”...

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Ted Cruz’s Self-Respect, and Other Myths

Ted Cruz’s Self-Respect, and Other Myths

 I never know what to get anyone for insurrection anniversaries. I imagine the Senate Republican Conference is already up to its collective jowlsy gullet in pocket Constitutions, which doubtless remain unread anyway. Maybe just a picture frame? I can think of a few...

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2021: A Year That Can Eat My Whole Ass

2021: A Year That Can Eat My Whole Ass

 As you’re putting the finishing touches on your New Year’s plans, don’t forget: it’s not enough to merely drive a stake through 2021’s heart; you need to cut the bastard’s head off, burn everything, and scatter the ashes separately, or you’re gonna wind up with...

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Romney Retires; Boebert Jacks Guy Off in Public

Romney Retires; Boebert Jacks Guy Off in Public

  Back in September, 2012, on the very night the famous 47% video leaked, I was approached by a man claiming to be a time traveler from the future, who snickeringly insisted I’d miss Mittens when his career in electoral politics finally ended. Naturally, I...

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“People Doing Poems on Aircraft Carriers” & Other Atrocities

“People Doing Poems on Aircraft Carriers” & Other Atrocities

  Well, the Republican Party continues its mad, manic spiral into authoritarianism, white supremacy, and violence, but on the other hand, Joe Biden is old, so y’know…both sidez, y’all. This is Chuck Todd, filling in for Shower Cap. And now, the news: The GOP’s...

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Hey, Did I Miss Anything?

Hey, Did I Miss Anything?

  Well, hello there. Been a minute. Let’s see if I remember how to do this. Orange Man…good? Do I have that right? Anyway, I’ve returned from summer vacation, ready to resume the fight to take the country back from the busloads of socialist groomer antifas, and...

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Friends, It’s Time For a Break

Friends, It’s Time For a Break

  Well, Walt Nauta and his boss got indicted, so I guess there’s a civil war now? Being American is so fucking embarrassing sometimes. Because wide swaths of the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history have been overrun by aggressively overcommitted...

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