Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Person! Woman! Man! Camera! TV! Five Words to Say While They Drag You Away!
I was gonna write “TGIF,” like the day of the week still matters at all, or the weekend brings some sort of release from the insanity that carpet-bombs our consciousness every minute of every day, but I decided against it. Fuck. It’s raining golf ball-sized batshit, Resisters, you’re gonna want to wear a hat.
Look, we’re all just trying to make the best of things here in Hell. I see the Toronto Blue Jays are relocating to Buffalo for the season, and that sounds like a nice little solution, but shouldn’t we flip through a few religious texts real quick, just to make sure there’s nothing symbolically compatible with any End Times myths here? No “when the Bird of the North settles in the Land of the Wing, a Butthole-Mouthed Rich Boy shall fuck up all Creation” kinda stuff?
Because we already know the magic words that open the Seventh Seal:
I have certainly never felt closer to the apocalypse than I did watching the footage of the Deteriorator in Chief regaling a Fux Nooz interviewer with the epic tale of his Most Heroic Triumphe Over the Foule and Nefarious Cognitive Test.
It’s a new Klaatu Barada Nikto for these deranged times, and chanting it will summon Cthulhu’s shitty, racist cousin, who crashes on your couch and wipes out all life on Earth with his Steak-umms farts.
If you say Person Woman Man Camera TV in the mirror five times, the Candyman will go on a ten-minute rant about how mask mandates violate his civil rights.
Friends, it is MADNESS that this visibly crumbling imbecile has been allowed to keep the powers of the presidency. He is a criminal, he is a sociopath, he is a brainless, broken manchild with only the most selfish and sinister motivations, and ON TOP OF ALL THAT what’s left of his Adderall-addled mind is leaking out of his goddamn nostrils and splattering on the Resolute desk like cold oatmeal. Impeachment, 25th amendment, covid…I’m not particular at this point.
Missed this one last time, but now we’ve learned Shart Garfunkel pressured our Ambassador to Britain to find some way to get the British Open awarded to his tacky-ass Scottish golf club, and I suppose we should be thankful his imagination is limited to these petty grifts, rather than Fleming-esque master plans to weaponize the full powers of his office, though given a second term, he’d surely get around to menacing European capitals with nuclear weapons in order to extract ransom.
Gaslighting is certainly challenging in this age of readily-available video receipts, and I’d almost pity Kellyanne Conway her thankless task as Minister of Disinformation, if her work wasn’t, you know, a relentless attempt to destroy the United States on both the symbolic and physical levels. Anyway, watching her try to shame governors who re-opened their states too early as though the Turd Reich hadn’t done their damndest to flog everyone out the door was…I mean, you can’t convince Paula she lost her brooch if she saw you steal it on CNN.
Speaking of Team Treasonweasel’s ongoing campaign against reality, their latest re-election strategy involves feeding the country footage of the very carnage wrought by their candidate’s never-ending string of fuckups while screaming LOOK AT WHAT JOE BIDEN WANTS! Yeah, I don’t get it either. I mean, I guess it makes about as much sense as saying your opponent has dementia while your guy keeps screaming LOOK AT ME I CAN REMEMBER FIVE WORDS, but I don’t see it playing in the Rust Belt.
Operation Legend, or “Losers Emulating the Gestapo to Enact Needed Distractions” is ramping up, on the theory that you can win an election by making people more afraid of a fake thing than a real thing. Like, just the authoritarian part of dispatching unaccountable federal officers to beat up peaceful protesters is perfectly insidious on its own; but then when you factor in the bit where it’s all ultimately a ploy to superimpose an imaginary urban crime problem over the very real coronavirus problem, I mean, that’s some genuinely evil shit, right there.
Redactor General William Barr boasted his personal private police force made 200 arrests in Kansas City alone, an impressive statistic he only inflated by a factor of 200. Let me be clear and say I would rather Bilious Bill keep on telling fish stories here than try to make reality match his lies, but again, none of this Putin’s Playhouse theatre is going to make us forget the fucking pandemic, campers, so you may as well cut it out.
I’m sure the last remains of Ted Yoho have been scraped off the bottom of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s boot like so much dog poo by now, but I don’t know what the process is here…does the governor appoint a replacement, or does the Florida 3rd just have to settle for being represented by Ted’s obliterated husk now?
While we have to wait until January to see decency restored in the White House, it seems COVID-19 can come and go as it pleases. It was a cafeteria worker that tested positive this time. It’s only the, what, third time the little bastard has gotten within coughing distance of the Oval Office? Fourth? Your wishes aren’t QUITE hitting that star yet, is what I’m saying; you shoulda written down what that fuckin’ cricket said.
So, Stephen Miller’s grandmother died of COVID-19, and before you could even begin to wrestle with the question of how much sympathy a mass-murdering monster deserves for losing his Nana, the Shart House comms shop, aka Miller’s office, screeched “NO, COVID IS FAKE SHE DIED FROM LOVING HER GRANDSON TOO MUCH,” and this one’s right at the intersection of evil and banality, isn’t it?
Like, Stephen’s empathy-challenged idiot boss using his enormous platform to circulate the lie that kids don’t spread coronavirus, a lie that will absolutely get people killed, get CHILDREN killed; that’s obviously many degrees more heinous than fibbing about gramma’s death certificate, but y’know…if you’ll tell the small lie, of course you’ll tell the big one. I don’t wanna play pundit, but electing mendacious fools who don’t care about human life might’ve been a mistake.
The Fascist Farthuffer’s Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, joins Peevish Paul Manafort in home confinement (well, confinement in their own separate homes, of course, though that’d be one heckuva reality show), after a judge found he’d been sent back to prison in retaliation for his forthcoming book, “Crimes the President Ordered Me to Commit on His Behalf.” I’m emotionally torn here. I’m pro-Cohen-in-jail because he’s a felon, but definitely anti-imprisoning-enemies-of-the-regime-for-speaking-out, because fuck that fascist noise with rusty garden shears, and also pro-publishing-books-that-crotch-punt-Donnie-Dotard-before-the-election, but anti-Michael-Cohen-profiting-from-his-crimes. To say nothing of pro-using-hyphens-like-this, and anti-looking-up-if-doing-so-is-grammatically-allowable.
Don’t you just hate it when you have to cancel the massive cult rally you desperately needed to temporarily fill the loveless void that opened in your soul when your father sent you to military school JUST BECAUSE the pandemic you’ve let rage unobstructed through the country has spun so completely out of control that it isn’t safe to assemble in groups? Yeah, that’s a real bummer, Shart-Shart. I know you were looking forward to your little shindig down in Jacksonville, but then, 148,000 Americans (and counting) were looking forward to finishing out their natural lives, soooooooo…y’know, we’ve all got problems.
Like, how does Cult45 rationalize this shit? “Oh, obviously it is simultaneously unsafe for our leaders, who have naught but our best interests at heart, to hold their convention, but completely safe to send our children back to school, and you are a communist and a pedophile to contest either point!”
Well looka here, as if on cue, suddenly the CDC’s not-at-all politicized new guidelines say schools somehow magically became safe overnight, and that children and novel coronaviruses should frolic in the fields together because the risks of contraction and transmission are really quite low, tra-lee tra-la! Cool that the institutions we trust with our health and safety have been corrupted by a pudding-brained crook who STILL THINKS HE CAN LIE HIS WAY OUT OF A PANDEMIC, heaven help us all.
Anyway, yeah, we’re back at the point where the corpse mound is high enough that even President Crotchrot has to once again grudgingly confess the problem is kinda sorta almost real, and one really good reason to vote for Joe Biden is to break that fucking cycle before everybody’s dead or crazy.
Congressional Republicans are, of course, hard at work crafting legislation to help the covid-weary American public through these trying times. Take Louie Gohmert’s bill to abolish the Democratic Party BECUZ TH’CONFEDERACY HAW HAW HAW, reflecting the rapidly-emerging scientific consensus that the coronavirus can be contained by dipshit wingnut trolling.
Then there’s Tom Cotton, who can find no better use for his time than to performatively introduce nuisance legislation that would prevent public schools from teaching the New York Times’ 1619 project, because he really wants the whole world to know the precise longitude and latitude of his residence on the wrong side of history. I am so exhausted by everything that’s happened since Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s escalator descent directly into everyone’s brain, and knowing I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life fighting to keep men like Cotton away from power makes me want to scream till my throat explodes.
Major League Baseball’s pandemic-delayed opening day saw every player and coach save one kneel in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, and folks, when traditionally conservative cultures like professional sports and People So Rich They Own Sports Teams are behaving like this, you know the ground is really moving. That Game Show Göring has so insistently planted his flag on the wrong side of this increasingly important issue certainly bodes well for November…and it’s also pretty fucking funny. These assclowns keep doing shit that everyone hates, and then they don’t get why their polls are bad. I mean…nobody tell ‘em, I guess.
And now Mitch McConnell and his useless, overmatched caucus seem to have finally noticed that the economy will melt down like Sam Nunberg (remember him?) without another stimulus bill, but they’re dithering over precisely how much new suffering the American people must be asked to bear in the name of the Republican Party’s catastrophic failures. Dunno about y’all, but that makes me want to elect a bunch of new Democratic Senators. Say, you remember the Action Guide from the midterms? Might be just about time to dust that thing off…
Well, I’m in Chicago, so I’m definitely curious/excited/filled with dread to see just how much fascism is coming to town this weekend, wish me luck! Wherever you are, stay safe, there are an awful lot of interesting things trying to kill you these days.