- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Piss Hookers and Debtor’s Prisons and Ultrasonics, OH MY!
Kinda calm today, wasn’t it? At least by the ever-plummeting standards of America in 2017? Nobody blew up Guam, so why make a fuss, right?
Today was merely dropping-acid-in-the-House-of-Mirrors crazy, rather than the Marquis-de-Sade-directs-a-SAW-film nightmare we’re used to.
You wake up and you see your President got caught tweeting self-aggrandizing memes from white supremacists AGAIN, and you’re like “Oh Donnie! You incorrigible little racist trash, you!” And you move on, because it’s happened so many times, it barely even registers anymore.
Like a trope you’re already tired of. Like a little directionless Niles-and-Daphne flirting.
Have we come to this so soon?
I see President Valor Thief finally turned his homework in to Mattis on his ass-backwards military transgender ban. Dammit. Kinda hoped he’d just forgotten about that.
Just so we’re clear, Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk can kick Americans who’ve risked their lives for this nation out of the military, but he can’t spare a passing sentence in his 75-minute jerk-off-fest down in Arizona to honor the 10 sailors who lost their lives at sea.
This administration is just a daily exercise in testing the boundaries of national shame, isn’t it?
Speaking of chubby, aging, blowhards acting like tough guys, Cartoonishly Over-Groomed RageClown Roger Stone threatened any lawmakers who might be itchin’ to impeach the Shittiest of All Possible Presidents with swift, violent, retribution from…I guess from the hordes of subpar turdwaffles that still support Cheeto Pol Pot.
Anyhow, judging from the Shart’s inability to drag enough wrinkly old mediocrities out to fill a 5,000-capacity hall in Phoenix, and the pimply beta teens from the Charlottesville Klan Rally, I don’t know that the turnout for this particular civil war will wind up being especially fearsome.
Oh, and Mike Flynn’s lunatic dumbass son wants to get CNN declared a terrorist organization. Yup, just a normal, slow-news Thursday.
Politico tells us Shiny New Chief of Staff John Kelly instituted new standards to reroute the flow of information to President Bumpkin’s desk through his own. Hopefully this undercuts Stephen Miller‘s ability to set policy with post-its that read “Only CUCKS believe in climate change.”
Sheriff Joe Arpaio went on Hannity with a sobering message for America: “if they can go after me, they can go after anyone in this country.” My God, the TYRANNY! Can’t a man illegally target and terrorize minorities? Bring the full weight of law enforcement down on innocent people in the name of white supremacy? Torture human beings in tents in the desert? Flaunt court orders, and repeatedly brag about doing so in the press? DEAR GOD, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND JOE ARPAIO IS A WHITE MAN? SURELY YOU FORGOT TO READ THE FINE PRINT.
In the spirit of Sheriff Joe, I hope you met that shitbag who sued South Carolina to force them to mass-produce confederate flag wrapping paper or some shit. He’s a fucking PEACH.
America’s Dorkiest Crime family, the Kushners, (debuting this fall on Must-See TV!) got fired by their public relationships firm, presumably for being an unpalatable combination of shitty, crooked, and dopey-lookin’.
I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but maybe their attempts to bring back debtor’s prisons as the latest hip retro trend (it’s like synth-pop revival, only with more class warfare!) had something to do with it.
I just worry this might distract young Jar-Jar from bringing peace to the Middle East. Make way for the Eternally-Just-About-to-Hit-Puberty Messiah, ye long-warring peoples of the Holy Land!
The Shart of the Deal, having calmly assessed the many (many*) failings of his first few months in office, seems to have decided that the problem was he didn’t have enough enemies, so he set out to make a few more.
*MANY
He’s screeching at Mitch McConnell and Thom Tillis cuz they refuse to shut the Russia investigation down, which is totally what any innocent person would do, right?
And he’s feuding with Jolly James Clapper on the twitter, like a regular Tay-Tay and Katy Perry. Clapper was all, “Holy shit, this malicious, toddler-tempered, petty, dangerously incurious toe of man has nuclear codes,” and Drumpf was all, “Be nice to me, Jimmy, or I’ll show everybody that fanfic you wrote for me where I won the popular vote and Salma Hayek totally wants to date me,” and the ClapperMan was all, “It was a form letter, you doorknob, I wrote one for Hilldawg, too, only hers didn’t include that Please Don’t Blow Up the Planet, You Fucking Infant bit I tacked onto the end of yours.”
Rick Perry commissioned a study on the electrical grid, hoping to prove that Barack Hussein Obama and his gang of hooligan environmentalist regulators were beating up poor, innocent coal plants and taking their lunch money, but instead it says that cheap natural gas is the actual bully giving the coal industry a wedgie by the monkey bars after class, which is what everyone has been saying all along. THE SMART-GUY GLASSES AREN’T WORKING, RICK!
Of course, the report goes on to say the government should artificially prop up the dying coal industry at the expense of cheaper and cleaner energy sources, because…because Republicans, I guess.
And what’s this I see? The infamous Mnuchbag-and-Wife trip may’ve been a taxpayer-funded excursion to get these plutocrat fucks a good seat to the eclipse? I tell ya folks, I am squinting from the blinding light of the raw POPULISM.
Texas’ latest voter ID law got struck down, despite Ol’ Beauregard Sessions‘ shocking heel turn a few weeks back, when he hit the Constitution with a steel folding chair and cut that promo where he said voting rights were just for white folks and WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN ALABAMA JEFF RUNS WILD ON YOUR RIGHTS?!?!
It’s ok. It’s just the Department of Justice, the highest law-enforcement authority in the country, taking sides against civil rights.
(This seems like a good time to shout out to all the JILL STEIN VOTERS, especially my homies in the RUST BELT! You guys were right! Hillary was just as bad! NEVER BREED!)
Meanwhile, Chuck Schumer’s trolling Smallhands Magoo, saying “If you really wanna prove you’re not the racist scumfuck everyone says you are, you can prove it by pulling the plug on KKKris KKKobach’s sham voter fraud panel!”
I bet that works, Chuck. I mean, it’s not like massive voter disenfranchisement is Team Shart’s final, fading chance at holding onto power, right?
…wait.
I see that blubbering-in-terror white supremacist Chris Cantwell turned himself in, and was denied bail. Heh. Better hope there’s more crying in prison than there is in baseball, Chris-Me-Lad.
On the Russia news front, the fellah who financed the Piss Hooker Dossier got grilled by Senate investigators, and stood by every golden word. Meanwhile, Russian diplomats keep dropping like flies, and yet ANOTHER instance of contact between the Shart campaign and Russian authorities has surfaced, despite denial upon denial that any such contacts ever occurred.
Ah well. Simple oversight, I’m sure. I’ll be THIS one will be the last one, just like the last one was. And the one before that. And the one before that.
Have y’all seen this shit down in Cuba? A bunch of State Department employees and their families experiencing weird-ass medical symptoms that may or may not be the result of, I shit you not, ULTRASONIC SOUND WAVE ATTACKS?
Y’know what? No. Fuckin’ NO. This one’s a bridge too far, people. I don’t know which one of you dropped me into this Ian Fleming novel, but I’d very much like to go back to the real world now, thank you.
And Axios reports the Shartcannon is leaning towards ending DACA. Having proven incapable and frankly uninterested in doing anything to help any of his constituents, Don the Con falls back on simply hurting decent people his base happens to hate. PRESIDENTIAL.
A late-breaking WaPo piece details the mutual distrust between the CIA division involved in the Russia investigation and CIA director/Drumpf Flunky Mike Pompeo. Isn’t it fun, wondering how far the political lackeys of our corrupt-as-balls chief executive will go to cover up his crimes?
It’s good tv, I’ll give it that. Tragic reality, but good tv. (Sobs.)
And now Tucker Carlson’s whinging about all these uppity black players ruining football by suggesting that racism exists.
Fuck it, I’m out. If I missed anything, and I always do, it’s because I knocked myself out pounding my face against my keyboard. Fuck. ARE WE THERE** YET?
** “THERE” meaning the GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Which you should vote in.