Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Plague, Voter Suppression, and Willard Romney’s Thoughts on Tone
October, 2020. I never thought it would actually come. Things are fairly insane, as we knew they’d be, but I admit I’m pleasantly surprised by the relative lack of signs which could be construed as compatible with the End Times mythology of any major world religion. Have I lowered my standards for what constitutes “good news” after four years of incessant fascist fuckery? Yes I have. Unapologetically.
Honestly, it’s been uncharacteristically quiet lately, with President Flea on a Plague Rat’s Anus cowering in his bunker, too ill to appear in public save for a single, steroid-fueled 18-minute balcony appearance on Saturday, attended by a humiliatingly tiny assemblage of nitwits literally paid to be there by spittle-spouting maniac Candace Owens, in spite of an invited guest list numbering in the thousands. Congratulations, Littlefinger, you’re officially in the REO Speedwagon Playing the South Dakota State Fair phase of your Rise and Fall of Dipshit Hitler story.
All recent attention-seeking stunts have failed, and backing out of the second debate in a fit of pique looks more and more like the biggest self-own since “turning the checkbook over to Brad Parscale.” Even a planned emergence from Walter Reed, initially feigning weakness before revealing a hidden Superman t-shirt, failed to materialize. Me, I’d have liked to’ve seen that. I imagine it would’ve been the Ark-of-the-Covenant-burns-the-swastika-off-the-crate scene in reverse.
Endorsements are understandably hard to come by when you’ve fucked up damn near every single thing that’s even remotely fuckupable. In fact, somewhere around the 200,000th preventable death, even traditionally non-political institutions like Scientific American start lining up behind your opponent. Yes, it’s lonely in Shartopia these days, outside of one lonely ol’ endorsement from…the Taliban. Yes, THAT Taliban. Hey, if you’re still undecided after all the disease and death and economic ruin, may I humbly suggest opposing the wishes of the motherfucking TALIBAN?
We all understand why Dr. Anthony Fauci is the most trusted and popular member of the current administration: he tells us the truth while everyone around him lies. This explains the insidious propaganda shell game the Turd Reich is currently attempting with America’s Handsomest Epidemiologist, seeking to benefit from that trust by using deceptively-edited footage of him in their campaign ads, while simultaneously blocking him from media appearances, lest that trademark honesty undercut Boss Turdmaggot’s “Covid, Schmovid” closing message. Pretty gross, but then, we are dealing with the very worst people alive.
The polling is getting brutal for the failed Republican Party, and with millions of dollars in grassroots donations flowing into as many as half a dozen unexpectedly competitive Senate races, conservatives are taking a long, hard look at where they went wrong, and what changes need to be made to win back the public’s trust JUST KIDDING they are, as always, doing everything in their power to suppress the right to vote, because white supremacy ain’t gonna de-institutionalize itself without a fight, my friends.
And so we’re seeing hours-long lines, but only in Dem-leaning precincts, especially those with high concentrations of non-white voters. The steady, regular reoccurrence of this zaniest of coincidences is difficult to explain, in light of John Roberts’ proclamation that the Voting Rights Act is no longer necessary on account of racism being over and all. Gosh, it sure would be a shame if the highest court in the land was in the business of spewing disingenuous bullshit in order to enshrine minority rule, wouldn’t it?
Meanwhile, California Republicans have taken to setting up their own completely unauthorized, most likely illegal ballot drop boxes, and Democrats are crying foul, but I ask you, what has the party that tried to sabotage the entire U.S Postal Service, seeking to keep Americans from voting safely during a pandemic, done to earn such distrust?
I confess I haven’t paid particularly close attention to the Amy Coney Barrett hearings; true crime has never been my favorite genre, and anyway, as a failed stage actor, I’ve consumed more than my share of self-righteous, masturbatory, political theatre.
Nothing screams “legitimacy” like the GODC’s (that’s “Grand Old Death Cult”) refusal to submit to coronavirus testing before these hearings, up to and including CDC guideline-violating Senators Mike Lee and Thom Tillis, who you’ll remember tested positive a short while ago, and may very well be spreading a lethal virus to their colleagues via their maskless rants. Or maybe horseshit, belched up in sufficient volume, kills Covid, who knows?
They refuse to take coronavirus tests because they know they’re likely to test positive, which would necessitate postponing the hearings until after the American people have voted to remove them from power, because they believe they have the right to inflict their disastrously failed ideology on the nation whether the nation wants it or not. They’ve crashed the economy twice in my lifetime, they’ve gotten nearly a quarter of a million Americans killed through their unforgivable pandemic mismanagement, they’ve stood silent while their party was taken over by an increasingly authoritarian, increasingly violent hate mob, and yet they truly believe they deserve this stolen 11th-hour veto over all potential progress for decades to come.
…but Democrats must observe “norms” going forward, right? Actually, how ‘bout a big fat sloppy NAH to that, campers? I honestly don’t think Yertle and his merry band of plutocrat puppets understand how four years of Trump, coupled with their own despised overreaching, have changed the electorate. During the Kavanaugh hearings, Lindsey Graham, with all the righteous indignation of a dime store Elmer Gantry, launched his famous “FUCK Christine Blasey Ford and FUCK her allegations, eat shit, we don’t care” jeremiad and somehow he still hasn’t made the connection to the mass exodus of women from his party.
Seriously, Lindsey has spent his current term almost exclusively doing things the American people have rather loudly stated they do not want him to do, and he’s somehow baffled that Jaime Harrison has raised enough money to rent Max Scherzer for a couple seasons. These clowns are so out of touch, it’s scary.
Meanwhile, Willard Romney chose this moment in time, when he is in the process of granting a lifetime SCOTUS appointment to the very shitweasel he recently voted to remove from office over high crimes and misdemeanors, to issue a whinging, pearl-clutching statement decrying the Incivility in Politics These Days, dripping with enough mendacious bothsidesism to drown Chuck Todd.
Y’know what, you feckless, dog-torturing haircut? Now that I’ve seen the words of YOUR party’s leader in the manifestos of multiple mass-murderers, you don’t get to claim Both Sides Are the Same Because Keith Olbermann anymore.
We will not be lectured by you anymore, thief. You have been exposed. You are transparent now. You are entirely without morals of any kind. We’ve seen your deeds, Mittens, you may as well save the words, they don’t fool anybody anymore. You and your craven colleagues are just a gang of power-mad theocrats looking to impose your will without the consent of the governed, through procedural chicanery, and yeah, that’s all you ever were, but soooooo many more folks’re paying attention now, and I don’t think you understand that yet.
Huh. I never imagined I’d post a blog this short this close to Election Day, but what can I do, Sultan Spraytan has been incapacitated. He did manage to accuse Joe Biden of murdering Seal Team Six, so, y’know…I appreciate the effort to maintain expected levels of cray-cray while bedridden and glued to the talking teevee box.
Anyway, the Kickstarter for my new comic book, MINE is up n’ running for another two weeks! Have I mentioned the special rewards tier for fans of this blog? For a reasonable fee, you’ll get not only a kickass comic, but a letter written to a politician of your choice, on an issue of your choice, in the Shower Cap Blog house style! Mitch McConnell was a popular target last time, and I certainly haven’t grown weary of swearing at him yet.
And don’t forget about the Fascist-Flushing Action Guide! We’ve raised nearly $30,000 for Dem House and Senate candidates so far, and I thank y’all for making a drunken loon in a luchador mask n’ bathrobe feel like he’s pulling his weight in this fight. There’s still time to pitch in!
…and there’s still time to drink tonight, for which I am really quite grateful. I don’t expect the quiet to last, Resisters, but I’ll enjoy it while I can. Rest up, we’ll be needed soon…