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Mississippi Republican Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith appears to joke that making it harder for students to vote is a "great idea" https://t.co/13iX2uSeEl https://t.co/ijvWfnqtnq

This is some fucked-up shit. What the fuck is wrong with this woman? https://t.co/Hc8EQgiTsq
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Please Let the Door Hit You On the Way Out, Spicey

Monday, July 24th, 2017

Fucking hell, campers.

The news is nuttier than squirrel poop these days. If the squirrel was like, a government lab test squirrel, administered copious amounts of LSD.

Well, we don’t have Spicy Sean to kick around anymore. He has finally been pushed too far, and he’s taking his stolen mini-fridge and going home. There was a brief temptation to pity this tiny, soulless, little man, who shipwrecked his hard-won reputation on the treacherous shores of the Drumpf Administration…but then you remember that he was an eager collaborator to the team of petty crooks who do their damndest daily to blow up our democracy and wipe their hemorrhoid-encrusted asses with our Constiution…so yeah, fuck him.

So, Sean Spicer, as you embark on this next chapter of your life, I wish you ingrown toenails and post office lines. May you be shunned from decent company for the rest of your days. May every Snickers bar turn to a warm cat turd in your mouth. May the man in the mirror each morning remind you of your crimes. When you get to the afterlife, Sean, know that George Washington will be waiting for you, and he’s going to kick you right in the junk.

So over the weekend we met the new Shart House communications director, Ray Liotta cosplayer Anthony Scaramucci. (I’m not gonna make the obligatory Queen joke, because low-hanging fruit is for CUCKS.)

Scaramucci wasted no time engaging in the obligatory ass-kissing ritual. Now SCROTUS is some sort of super-athlete who throws a “perfect spiral” (If Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk can throw a “perfect spiral” I’ll let Jeff Sessions crash on my couch after his collaborating ass gets fired, by the way.) and like, swats biplanes out of the air and taught Mike Trout how to play center field.

The Mooch was apparently not a popular choice among existing staffers, what with his No Relevant Experience Whatsoever. Not only did Spicey run away to hide in less-manicured bushes, but Reince Pubis has been sidelined even further, spending most of his days acting as Chief of Staff to a small collection of Star Wars legos he bought on his lunch break one day after H.R. McMaster gave him a particularly aggressive wedgie. Word is even Steve “Darth Wino” Bannon told Anthony he’d get the job “over my dead body.” Got your hopes up for a minute, didn’t it?

The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, certainly doesn’t get to sleep at the foot of the bed these days. Not only did the Washington Post report that he seems to have lied to congress when he was attempting to cover his ass for lying to congress about something else, but it seems his Idiot Manchild boss throws regular tantrums about ol’ Beau recusing himself rather than transforming the United States Justice Department into Drumpfy’s personal, taxpayer-funded, justice-obstructin’ traveling jug band.

So reports claim Team Shart is working on pushing Sessions out, and replacing him with Rotten-Toothed Hate Monster Rudy Giuliani, or maybe Ted Cruz, or perhaps just a Teddy Ruxpin doll with a tape that fires Robert Mueller and Rod Rosenstein, and then plays the “Na na na na, say hey hey” song on loop for twenty minutes.

(Now, there’s a lot of serious shit going down these days, but the moment when Jeff Sessions’ career finally ends in scandal and betrayal is rapidly approaching, and I’m gonna celebrate that moment with a chocolate cupcake dropped into a mop bucket full of scotch when it comes. Don’t tell Bannon.)

Word is, Rex Tillerson is thinkin’ about quittin’ his post at State because somehow he’s the last human being on Planet Earth who has noticed that Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “I’m So Old and Gross Even Hookers Won’t Touch My Pee-pee Anymore”) treats everyone who works for him like so many flushable floaters. Stay or go, Rex, you’ll never wash the stink off.

And the House passed a big Russia sanctions bill that the Marmalade Shartcannon definitely did not want. When Uncle Vlad sees this, he’s gonna send Donnie to military school just like the real dad that never loved him and thus got the whole fucking world into this mess in the first place. Certainly there will be no pee hookers for the foreseeable future.

I guess the Senate GOP got ahold of some black market ground rhino horn, mashed it up in a batch of Purple Drank in John Cornyn’s office, starting snorting Adderall off Johnny Isakson’s ass, and decided to hold a bunch of last-ditch health care votes tomorrow.

Who cares if the Senate Parliamentarian is stripping amendments left and right? Who cares if everyone has to eventually face a constituency whipped up into a rage over being, y’know, MURDERED BY THEIR SENATORS, it’s fucking Spring Break at the Koch Brothers’ Beach Resort, where we hunt the poor for sport and pour mimosas out of the IV bags that won’t carry life-saving medication because the DUMBASS PLEBES CAN’T FUCKING AFFORD IT WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!?!?!??!?!

Now, Mitch McConnell won’t tell anybody exactly what it’s in the bill they’ll be voting for. Maybe it’s the House bill. Maybe it’s straight repeal. Maybe it’s Ted Cruz in pasties and a g-string. Whatever it is, it’s gonna kill thousands of Americans, and we’re relying on Rob Portman’s decency to deliver us…FUCK.

Texas Congressdoorstop Blake Farenthold blamed the troubles the GOP’s Rube Goldberg Murder Machine, excuse me “Health Care Bill,” keeps running into on those awful Lady Senators* who keep screwing things up with their legislatin’ and not-babymakin’ and whatnot. Hilariously, he insisted the disdainful womenfolk were from the dreaded Northeast, when in fact he was describing West Virginia’s Shelley Moore Capito and Lisa Murkowski from…ahem…Alaska. Geography, like so much in America in 2017…is for cucks.

Anyhow, Fartenhard expressed that he’d like to settle the issue over a duel, which is a normal, adult response to being disagreed with. He insisted he was too gentlemanly to murder LADY senators with his musket, or maybe with the authentic Hattori Hanzo replica he picked up at ComiCon, but Jerry Moran better watch his punk ass!

He then retreated to his subreddit safe space where he whined about how Flash Thompson wasn’t white in the recent Spider-Man movie.

*The face Little Man Blake made when referring to “Female Senators” was indistinguishable from the one a four-year-old makes when lamenting the presence of “lima beans” on the dinner plate.

Meanwhile…DRUMPF SCREAMED DEATH DEATH DEATH AS TRUMPCARE DIES, at a speech earlier today, because, unable to understand, much less make the case for his bill, he fell back on his old standby, scaring the poo out of stupid white people. Dance with who brung ya, I suppose.

And now I guess MINO (that’s STILL Maverick In Name Only) John McCain will ride onto the floor of the Senate on a horse paid for with taxpayer funds and valiantly vote to steal health care from millions. I really, REALLY want to think better of the man…I mean, how the FUCK can you stare down a cancer fight (I have to get real for a second here, folks…speaking from experience…cancer is horrifying, cancer is unrelenting, and yes, cancer is expensive, and if you can’t afford to fight it, you don’t have a fucking CHANCE.) that taxpayers will be financing, and then turn around and use your power to tell millions of your fellow citizens “sorry, shoulda been richer, fuck off, just DIE.”…I don’t understand how you can hold the Cancer in one hand and the ACA Repeal Vote in the other. I just fucking don’t.

I dunno. Maybe he’s scared Kelli Ward is going to get sick of waiting for him to die, and show up with a judiciously poisoned Tuna Helper casserole? Surprise us, Senator McCain. Please.

Anyhow.

Everybody’s favorite babyfaced Shartthrob, Jared Kushner, gave a little closed-door testimony today, and issued a little bullshit statement about how he barely collaborated even a little bit, and he’s just a poor little rich boy who doesn’t even read the collusion emails he gets, and just wanders into meetings with Russians without knowing what they’re about. And also, if he forget about 100 foreign contacts and millions of dollars in assets, and an entire fucking BILLION DOLLARS IN DEBT on his security clearance forms, which happens to be an enormous fucking crime, well, I’M FUCKIN’ THE PRESIDENT’S DAUGHTER, SO WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO, SEND A MEAN TWEET ABOUT IT, BITCH?

…and somewhere, Bob Mueller grinned, cracked his knuckles, and got back to work.

Kushner, who has been tasked by his father-in-law with a broad portfolio ranging from solving the opioid crisis to bringing peace to the Middle East to inventing Flubber in real life, seems to be leaning on the “I’m so dumb I eat with a Nerf fork” defense, which the right wing media is happy to run with. 6 months in, kiddies, and “blistering incompetence” is the best they’ve got. Gooooooooood luck.

Meanwhile Democrats unveiled their new It’s the Economy, Dumbass, platform this afternoon. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer assures us the platform going forward will be neither Namby nor Pamby, and certainly not both at once. Looks alright. We’ll see.

And then I guess the Boy Scouts of America invited the Bastard Son of Gordon Gekko and Krang’s Robot Body to speak at their Jamboree, so that all the kids could get their pussy-grabbing merit badge. Shit got creepy right quick, with Dorito Mussolini riffing on all the grievances that perpetually rage in his tiny reptile brain (instead of, you know, the issues the American People care about), shit like Fake Gnus and the electoral college and how Salma Hayek won’t go out with him.

And he shit on his predecessor a little, to creepy “USA” chants from the juvenile crowd. It was like a little Shartler Youth rally. In a couple of years, instead of collecting canned goods, these kids’ll be reporting you for thoughtcrime.

Aaaaaaand I guess the right wing media bubba-uhl is trying to destroy Jake Tapper tonight? Fuck all y’all. Diet Rambo is the fucking best. He is honest, and fair, and brave, and on the front fuckin’ lines of this thing, I’m grateful as all get-out for the work he and his fellow journalists are doing in these batshit crazy times. When this is all done, they’ll build a statue of Jake Tapper, only it’ll also be a fountain, and it’ll be pissing on a smaller, shittier statue of Sean Hannity.

Yeah, there’s more. There’s always fucking more. Shit, I’m even passing up an opportunity to shit on Jill Stein tonight, because I’m that fucking exhausted by the tornado-full-of-badgers-and-hammers that is the daily news cycle.

Get some sleep, Resisters. Let’s give this Senate Health Care bill a swirlie tomorrow…and take its lunch money.

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