Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
“It’s My Presidency, & I’ll Congratulate Who I Want To,” and Other Hits
Days like this, I have to wonder if I’m in the Matrix, y’know? Hey, if I’m in the Matrix, and you’re reading this and you control the Matrix, could I maybe get hooked to up to a less stressful environment? Like maybe Dresden during the firebombing?
Since superheroes are so popular these days (why, this very blog was composed by a masked marvel), let’s start things off by meeting Washington’s new super team; The Amazing, Uncanny, Fantabulous, Weather-Changing Jews! Yes, a D.C. city councilman (and a Democrat, I guess we can’t let the opposition have ALL the lunatics) got all mad at “the Rothschilds” for making it snow. Anyhow, enjoy your “Sorry I’m a big idiot bigot” tour, Trayon White, and maybe readjust those dreams of a bright political future.
Velveeta Goebbel’s new strategy to surround himself with people who tell him only what he wants to hear is going swimmingly, thank you very much. He saw this dude, Joseph diGenova, on the teevee, babbling baseless conspiracy theories about the “Deep State,” or maybe the “Floating Little Fat People,” and said “PUT THIS MAN ON THE PAYROLL,” because that’s how his brain works, aren’t you glad he can launch nuclear missiles whenever the whim strikes him?
Lord. Well, make sure he pays you up front, Joe.
Please God, let there be a televised trial. Please let the world watch this utterly unqualified clown car “legal team” try to defend this petty goon’s decades-spanning criminal career. It’ll be Devil’s Advocate meets Dude, Where’s My Car?
Il Douche also wanted to add Theodore Olson, who is a real actual lawyer, to his team, and that news was out there for about four minutes before Olson’s firm hired a skywriter to spell out “FUCK NO” across the D.C. skies.
So we all know the Marmalade Shartcannon isn’t exactly a policy wonk. He wants a Big Stupid Useless Wall, he wants to deport brown people, and beyond that…”whatever you want, Paul, just let me slap my name on it.”
But now he’s got an idea of his very own, and he’s prancing about like a boy who pulled up his pants for the very first time. He’s like Harold Hill, singing “River City’s gonna have A GREAT BIG FUCKING GALLOWS FOR DRUG DEALERS!”
Yeah, Donnie Two Scoops’ big idea is “Let’s Murder Our Way Out of the Opioid Crisis.” The idea of implementing the death penalty for drug dealers is, of course, as psychotic as it is unconstitutional. It’s also tremendously unpopular. It also reveals that our President envies a thug like Rodrigo Duterte, which is equal parts horrifying and embarrassing.
We were all thrilled to hear Sarah Huckabee Sanders declare the Austin bombings don’t count as terrorism! Everyone immediately stopped feeling terrorized by the reign of terror that had previously gripped the city until the Shart House heroically proclaimed “Nah, white guy, not terrorism,” because everything was fine then. The bomber committed suicide, by bomb, so he was a LITERAL SUICIDE BOMBER, but somehow not a terrorist, thanks for clearing that up, Sarah.
Hey Cambridge Analytica, YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA! And you’re 31 flavors of fucked now! Bragging about blackmail and hookers and all kinds of shady shit. Oh, and they’re also quite proud of getting a certain Giant Orange Rectal Tumor elected, so they’re unlikely to win many friends.
Anyway, CA has “suspended” Alexander Nix, while the Mercers have oh-so-cleverly shifted him over to brand new company they’ve decided to call “Emerdata Limited,” after briefly flirting with the name “Totally Not Cambridge Analytica Wink Wink.”
Facebook’s taking the “sure we’ll apologize and testify before Congress now that you’ve caught us with our pants down” tack, and if I have to watch a Jesse Eisenberg movie about this shit, heads are gonna fucking ROLL.
Dr. Ben Carson got dragged before congress for his “the FUCK are you doing spending 31 grand on a fucking table, Ben?” scolding, and he brought a bright, shiny, bus to throw his wife under. It was his wife who picked out the table, y’see, BROADS, AMIRIGHT, but then you have to ask WHAT THE LIVING FUCK MAKES YOU IMAGINE YOUR FUCKING WIFE IS ALLOWED TO SPEND TAXPAYER MONEY? and then Carson just got to go back to his job, without consequences, because ethics are for CUCKS.
Meanwhile, Noted Whacko/Tragically Somehow a U.S. CongressWhacko Claudia Tenney says it was the DEEP STATE that ordered the dastardly dining set, because where most human beings have a brain, Claudia has only a small malnourished vole, gnawing on a bleach-soaked cotton ball.
We learned what sorts of questions Rugged Robert Mueller wants to ask Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, which goes a long way towards explaining the week’s Presidential Twitter Tantrums. Mueller wants to know things like “What was that ‘Comey firing’ thing all about?” and “You’re a grown-ass man, why can’t you tie a necktie to an appropriate length?”
And even as the President rages, the congressional GOP refuses to pass legislation to protect the Mueller investigation, I guess because they’re hoping a comet ends all life on Earth before they face the inevitable reckoning for their craven collaboration.
When Pearl Harbor was bombed, Franklin Delano Roosevelt delivered the still-famous “Infamy Speech,” rousing and uniting the nation against the aggression of a warlike foe.
When Vladimir Putin attacked our democracy, and then further ordered a chemical weapons attack on the soil of our closest ally, Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Can I please have my allowance now, Vlad?”) delivered the equally-famous “Bro! Congrats on your big election win, You Oppressive Dictator, You!” phone call, uniting the nation once more, this time in shame.
Hitting the g-spot on the hilarious/tragic axis, we learned that the Accidental Poosquirt bucked his handlers…excuse me, “advisors,” who had actually written DO NOT CONGRATULATE on his briefing materials, possibly accompanied by a scratch n sniff sticker to make sure he noticed it.
I’m told General Kelly has had similar luck with his DO NOT PISS HERE signs, posted near various plants and historic vases in the West Wing.
Additionally, it turns out that Trump’s First Theorem of Pussy-Grabbing, “When you’re a star, you can do anything,” is facing a number of serious challenges.
A judge ruled that Summer Zervos’ defamation lawsuit can proceed, despite the “But I’m the PRESIDENT” whining-based defense his lawyers have been pushing.
Plus, Karen McDougal is suing the company that owns the National Enquirer, looking to liberate her surely-revolting story of trumpgrinding from “catch and kill” purgatory.
And Stormy Daniels continues to be the skidmark down the crack of the President’s white golf pants, with news of her “Yup, we boinked” lie detector test filling America’s collective mind with entirely unwanted images. Oh, and her 60 Minutes interview, which will certainly be watched by more people than viewed Shart Garfunkel’s inauguration ceremony, airs this Sunday.
The National Republican Congressional Committee took an odd little victory lap over a close race in the Democratic Party primary election in the Illinois 3rd last night. Yeah, guys…a centrist and a progressive ran neck-and-neck in that one. Maybe y’all forgot that an ACTUAL, LITERAL, NAZI ran unopposed on YOUR side of IL-03? Congrats on being the party running A NAZI for the United States Congress. Bonus points for the 20,000 GOP voters who said, Yessir, That Nazi is the Man to Represent Me in Washington!
MY party isn’t running ANY Nazis. That’s the end of any argument the NRCC feels like picking today.
Fux Nooz analyst Colonel Ralph Peters stole a bunch of office supplies, pissed on the break room floor, and resigned in a huff, sending a surly letter proclaiming his outrage about the network’s transformation into a “propaganda machine.”
Ralph, what in the Blue Hell did you think Fox was before? I hope this guy leaves his brain to science, because I’d LOVE to learn at exactly what point during the decades of dishonesty, fear-mongering, sexism, racism, birtherism, homophobia, etc. his decency canary finally died. “Endless shrieking about Vince Foster is one thing, but at a certain point, a gentleman must say NO MORE.” Fuuuuuuuuck you.
Didja see where the RNC is paying the Drumpf Organization hundreds of thousands of dollars to hold events at properties the Grand Wizard Grifter owns? GodDAMN that shit makes me laugh. He’s crotch-stomping your entire party, and you’re paying him for the privilege. Like, “Thank you Mr. President, we couldn’t have lost that Alabama Senate seat withoutcha! HAVE SOME MORE OF OUR MONEY.”
Friends, sometimes I feel like I feed you nothing but shit sandwiches on this blog, so I’m always happy when I can give you some good news.
And today? Today I have red velvet cupcake for you, with sumptuous cream cheese frosting. Today, for the first time in years, the NRA’s approval rating is under water. That’s the sweetest news I’ve read since October, 2016.
Hey, remember the other day when Jeff Sessions un-recused himself just long enough to fire Andrew McCabe a few hours before he earned his pension? Well, funny story, it turns out Ol’ Beauregard was actually firing a guy who authorized an earlier investigation into…well, into JEFF SESSIONS over his wacky, under-oath-during-his-Senate-confirmation-hearings memory lapses about various meetings with Russians.
Now that’s CRAZY. The Attorney General of the United States of America firing a dude who investigated him? And out of pure vindictiveness, since the guy was about to retire anyway? Holy shit.
Wanna know what’s even CRAZIER?
Jeff Sessions will still be Attorney General tomorrow.
If Eric Holder did this, and if Obama were tied to the firing the way Drumpf is to McCabe’s, the impeachment trial would start before today’s bread goes stale.
Speaking of criminals in the executive branch, it looks like Kellyanne Conway’s punishment for multiple Hatch Act violations will be…a promotion! A communications director famed worldwide for her comical lack of honesty? Makes sense t’me! Expect press briefings to begin with a moment of silence commemorating the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre.
Hey, Rick Saccone finally conceded, in that one special election. You remember. The one in the deep-red district Drumpfy won by 20 points? The one where he held a big fancy (Klan) rally? Yeah. That one. Hee hee hee.
There was a fun little story about the Saudi Crown Prince bragging about how he had his very own pet Jar-Jar inside the American government. Dude even says Kushner passed him classified intel on his enemies, that’s fun! At least he didn’t have a private e-mail server, RIGHT?
More bad news for the Weaseliest Grifter, as New York City opened new investigations into a dozen Kushner Korporation properties over their recently revealed history of Pulling Paperwork Directly Out of Their Asses. I’m starting to think that Jared boy is something less than honest.
Ok. That’s what I’ve got, folks. I’ve probably missed a bunch of shit. I’m in the middle of a move, so things’ll get a little spotty for the next few weeks. I beg your patience in advance.