Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Ready for the Kavanaugh Round-Up? Keep a Barf Bag Handy.
Hey there, Shower Captives, I’m back from a much-needed weekend of re-charging and relaxation, courtesy of Riot Fest Chicago. I tried to go cold turkey, but I confess I kept checking the news until my battery died and I was forced to just, y’know…live in the moment and soak in the glory of watching some of rock’s greatest artists perform.
I saw Jerry Lee Lewis, y’all. Jerry Lee Goddamn Lewis. Dude rocks harder at 82 than I ever have in my life.
Whelp, we’ve learned more about Precocious Paul’s plea deal, and damn, y’all, he’s even more #Manafucked than we thought! I guess when you’re facing life in jail alongside the possibility that the Russian mobsters you’ve been working with might just murder your family, you sorta take what you can get. I think the moral of the Manafort story is Maybe Don’t Spend Your Life Doing a Fuck-Ton of Crimes.
I see FEMA director Brock Long studied at the Scott Pruitt School of Good Governance, as he’s mastered the art of pairing ridiculous gaslighting with grifting all the taxpayer money he can get his hands on. Brock’s repugnant attempt to blame the tragic, preventable, loss of life in Puerto Rico on an outbreak of post-hurricane spousal abuse was met with the almost-instantaneous karma of the investigation into his fuckery getting referred to prosecutors. Enjoy your trial, bro!
Lots of talk circulating that President Shartcannon is itchin’ to get rid of Secretary Mattis, because he’s had enough of fuddy-duddy grown-ups telling him that he shouldn’t bomb England in retaliation for that giant baby balloon. He also seems to fear that Mattis is a “secret democrat,” like maybe he puts on a mask at night and runs around giving working people health insurance or something?
A West Virginia library director attempted to ban Bob Woodward’s FEAR (which Cap is slowly working his way through when he has the stomach for it) from the shelves of her branch, because doing so while covering your ears and going “LALALALALALA” as loud as you can means that Sharty McFly has never done anything bad and everyone loves him. Anyway, she was overruled by the board, but in retaliation she plans on going through every book in the joint, cutting out the word “fear” whenever it appears, and then setting them all on fire like a pair of Nikes, or “Treasonsneakers,” as they are now known.
Along similar lines, the Texas State Board of Education voted to remove references to Hillary Clinton and Helen Keller from their curriculum, replacing them with sections like “Overcooking steaks is the American way” and “Trump’s inauguration had the biggest crowd in history and don’t let your lying eyes tell you any different.”
All I’m sayin‘ is, conservatives wouldn’t have such a desperate need to rewrite reality if they weren’t so wrong about everything, y’know?
So they’re giving Baron Golfin von Fatfuk the power to send “emergency” text messages to everybody’s phone whether we want ‘em or not? Golly, I bet that’s a power he’ll never abuse. Anyway, the day the impeachment trial starts, and you get that text urging you to violently overthrow the Democratic Congress, just shoot back a quick “new phone, who dis?” and move on with your day.
Ted Cruz’s increasingly-panicked Senate campaign got busted for sending out fundraising mailers that look like court summonses, because Earth’s Most Punchable Man is incapable of doing anything at all without making people go, “CHRIST, what an asshole!” I suppose we could ride Teddy for breaking the law, but I mostly think it’s funny that he can’t even raise money in a deep-red state without masking the call for support as a threat.
Speaking of the midterms, we’re 50 short days out. Why not click on over to Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms and get involved in the battle to take back our country? Polling in competitive districts has been uncomfortably close, my friends, and our candidates need YOUR help.
Of course by now you know the Kavanaugh confirmation story has exploded since we last met. For a couple days, Republicans were all too happy to skate by on, “Oh, the accuser is anonymous? Well that ain’t shit! No reason to slow the train down!”
But then Christine Ford came forward in a Washington Post interview, and suddenly the GOP had to treat her like an actual human being, which they were really hoping they wouldn’t have to do.
You may be wondering, “Hey Cap, did a bunch of right-wing internet rage monsters jump on the first woman named Christine Ford they could find, and harass the ever-loving shit out of her, even though she turned out to be a completely different person?” Silly question, friends. I mean, does the Pope shit in the woods?
And that wasn’t even the grossest victim-smearing scheme. No, that honor goes to an elaborate, Sergio Leone-worthy story where she’s apparently spent years planting seeds in an elaborate plot to avenge her parents’ decades-old wronging at the hands of Kavanaugh’s mother. Was this load of horseshit immediately debunked? Yes it was. Will it still be accepted as gospel by legions of mouth-breathing deplorables? Again, where does the Pope shit?
Anyway, Republicans sure did a lot of twisting and turning over the past few days. Orrin Hatch, in particular, seems to think the world still operates under Anita Hill-era rules. Mitch McConnell squawked a little bit about “regular order,” proving that reptiles in the turtle family are biologically incapable of shame. In the end, Kavanaugh and his accuser are set to testify publicly next Monday. I’m sure the 11 aging white Republican dudes on the Judiciary Committee will behave admirably.
If there’s a silver lining, at least after her political career ends in 2020, Susan Collins will be able to transition seamlessly into her new career as a circus contortionist.
Indicted Pro-Trump CongressCrook (no not that one, the other one) Chris Collins will stay on the ballot in November and still none of the ratings prognosticators think this district is in play because Republican tribalism is so strong their voters aren’t going to let a little thing like a felony or two stand between them and their beloved Drumpf Enablers. Hell, the rate we’re going, the lack of a substantial rap sheet will be disqualifying in GOP primaries soon enough.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo announced he’s lowering the number of refugees the United States will accept next year by 15,000, down to just 30,000, because gosh darn it, these assclowns are gonna bleach America as much as they can possibly get away with before the Impeachment Fairy shows up to cart them all away.
And now I see President Shitworm has decided to atomically escalate the Big Dumb Trade War with China yet again, because Economic Stewardship by Tantrum has been working out so well. “No big deal,” he thinks, (insomuch as Trump can ever be said to truly “think.”) “For every factory that closes due to my tariffs, I’ll just invent three completely fictitious new steel mills! Easy-Peasy!”
Fuckhead also wants to declassify some shit from the Russia investigation, even at the expense of exposing sources and methods, because covering his own ample ass is infinitely more important to him than the security of the United States, which strikes me as a particularly shitty trait for a President. Call me a bleeding heart.
Well, thank you, The News, you have officially obliterated any lingering post-rock-festival glow I may have hoped to cling to. Nothin’ to do but get back in the fight…