Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Robo-Trump Debuts, Corker Kicks Back at the #CorkerKickback, Jill Stein’s Turn at Last, & Other News
Well, Resisters, I received a list of banned words and phrases from the Drumpf Administration, that I’m no longer allowed to use here in my humble little corner of the internet. Stuff like “science-based,” “Roy Moore is a child molester who was banned from the mall,” and, most distressingly…”shart.”
…come visit me in the gulag, is what I’m sayin’.
CNN reports that Orange Julius Caesar lives in a delightful fantasy world where Big Macs grow on trees, where every day is Golf Day, and where Robert Mueller’s investigation will end any minute now with, hugs and apologies. He seems to think he’ll get some sort of “letter of exoneration,” and perhaps also a trophy for Normalest Hands.
Don’t spoil it for him. It’ll be more fun as a surprise.
NBC says that the FBI sat the Drumpf campaign down last summer to say “Hey, just a heads-up, expect the Russians to try to infiltrate your campaign, and oh yeah, give us a heads up if any Russians swing by offering to like, collude with you, or hack into the DNC’s e-mails or anything, cuz that’d be super-illegal,” and Team Shart was all “Yeah yeah, sure sure,” while Jeff Sessions was inconspicuously sweeping a stack of Russians underneath the office rug.
Considering how many different meetings-with-Russians these clowns have been caught lying about since then, this would seem to push the dreamt-of exoneration letter even further into Narnia.
An Amtrak train derailed in Washington state this morning, and Shart Garfunkel seized the opportunity to pimp his non-existent infrastructure plan, which he claims would somehow have prevented the disaster despite his administration’s repeated calls to slash Amtrak’s budget.
And after being chastised for not doing so in the first place, Drumpfy tweeted “Oh yeah, sorry about the dead people, I guess. Or wait, were any of them black? I’ll get back to you.”
Ted Cruz picked a fight with Mark Hamill, over net neutrality, I guess because he thinks sneering at a beloved screen icon is the best way to get his message out. Teddy’s just the Da Vinci of Dislikability, isn’t he? This is why, even when he was the last viable option against Trump in the primaries, he couldn’t get endorsements from his colleagues.
Cruz and Shartcannon, Jr. made further headlines posing with some sort of giant cookie that had a crude Obama frosting illustration on it, I guess? Because “trollin’ the libtards” is as close to policy as the American right gets these days. I fully expect “Owning Snowflakes” to be added to the official GOP platform.
Bob Corker, caught with his cheeks bulging with cash like a guilty chipmunk waylaid on the way to hibernation, excuse me, “retirement,” was all “Hashtag Corker Kickback? What Hashtag Corker Kickback? I haven’t even read that silly ol’ bill, how was I to know about a last-minute change that’d save me millions of dollars coincidentally being added right as I flipped my vote without any of my demands being met?”
Ol’ Bob imagines himself to be quite crafty. Anyway, he’s far from the only prominent Republican slated to rake in a bundle of cash from the kickback that now so famously bears his name.
One of the dipshit Palin kids, I can never remember their names…was it Flarp Palin, or Thumb Palin, or Dopey or Sneezy or Grumpy? It doesn’t matter. Point is, Cronut Palin got arrested for assault for breaking into his parents’ house to beat up his dad, Spork Palin. Whatever. I’m sure you’re looking forward to being lectured on “family values” by these COPS guest stars as much as I am.
Boy howdy, Jolly James Clapper sure did throw some hands at Baron Velveeta Harkonnen on CNN this afternoon! Drumpf is Putin’s “asset,” and Uncle Vlad is “handling” him like a pro, says the former DNI.
Sometimes he’ll call up in the middle of the night and say, “Donnie my Boy, make me a sandwich. No one makes ’em like you, with your tiny fingers you spread the mustard right up into every corner. I imagine it must take you rather a long time.”
And you bet your ass Donnie Two-Scoops hops out of bed and makes that sandwich.
Hey, if anybody was thinking about getting me anything for Xmas, you needn’t bother, my stocking overfloweth with the news that Jill Fucking Stein has FINALLY been swept up in the Russia investigation!
Yes, the Senate Intelligence Committee has requested some documents from everybody’s least favorite opportunistic meddler, and I bet they’re not after folk-rock lyrics, Dr. Stein.
I missed the bit about how Government Cheese Goebbels celebrated the anniversary of the Sandy Hook massacre by inviting Shameless Death Merchant Wayne LaPierre over to the White House to enjoy a little eggnog spiked with rum and the blood of innocent children.
Matthew Peterson withdrew his nomination for a lifetime federal judgeship today, after a humiliating video demonstrating how he doesn’t know shit about shit went viral. Peterson will reportedly resume his old career, Taking Up Space and Staring Vacantly Out the Window.
The Shart House will dispatch Ben Carson to Puerto Rico tomorrow, to survey the ongoing hurricane fallout. Secretary Carson is expected to nap, order people who haven’t had power for months to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, nap some more, and eventually propose hollowing out the entire island in order to use it to store grain.
Susan Collins announced her support for the Make Americans Serfs Again Act, excuse me, the “GOP tax reform bill,” all but guaranteeing its passage. It’s tricky, pinning down Senator Collins’ morality. When the ACA repeal bill would have stolen health insurance from 32 million Americans, she played hero…but the mere 13 million kicked out by the individual mandate repeal? Susan says that ain’t no thang at all.
For future reference, Senator, it would be ideal if we could nail down precisely what number of ruined American lives serves as your decency threshold. Actually, let’s start a pool! Ten bucks on 22,345,658!
Anyway, the American People like the bill about as much as they like the idea of Ted Cruz doing the Dance of the Seven Veils. Oh, and they want Democrats to control congress. And check out the gap on dat generic congressional ballot.
And now WaPo reports the Misshapen Traffic Cone toyed with un-nominating Neil Gorsuch for the Supreme Court for insufficient loyalty in the face of his various “Fuck the Courts for cockblocking all my mega-awesome dictatorship planz” rants. How big an ass do you have to be to make Neil Gorsuch the good guy in a story?
ProPublica has a fun peek behind the curtain of Scott Pruitt’s EPA, where clean air is for CUCKS and decisions are made between Scotty and the Voices in his Head in the soundproof booth he’s been busily decorating with his own bodily fluids.
And the Marmalade Shartcannon finally debuted in Disney’s Hall of Presidents, an animatronic horror which sources tell me still has a number of bugs, including a distressing tendency to ask park guests to urinate on it.
So that’s the Monday Madness, friends. I know it feels rough sometimes, but hey, since you started reading this post, you’re like, four minutes closer to your chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS…and that’s a wonderful thing.