Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Roy Moore Has Republicans Defending Child Molestation Now. Is America Great Again Yet?
Y’know, each day is a gift and a miracle. We greet the morning and all the potential it brings with hope and excitement. Truly, life IS like a box of chocolates, and you never do know what you’re going to get.
Today’s chocolate had the surprising filling of Oh I Guess We’re Going to Watch Some of the Most Powerful and Influential People in the Country Argue That Middle Aged Men Having Sex With Teenagers is A-Ok.
Wow. Well, no sense wasting time, Resisters, let’s dive into the muck.
CIA director Mike Pompeo met with a deranged conspiracy nut who says Hillary leaked her own e-mails in between running a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint and prank calling Christopher Stephens’ family, or something, because President Crotchvoid told him to. Next week, maybe Mikey can lunch with the guy who wandered around my college campus screaming that you’d go to hell if you listened to Bon Jovi.
A little good news, as Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III relented in his prosecution of the dastardly broad who committed the high crime of Laughing at Him in Public. Distraught, Ol’ Beau even ordered the demolition of the gallows he’d hopefully had constructed on the grounds below his office window.
Golly, the economic anxiety is just dripping off the subjects of the latest Shitty White Drumpf Supporters profile. Be sure to read all the way to the end. Never seen such economic anxiety.
I guess John Kelly got mad at the acting head of DHS, Elaine Duke, for not Making America White Again fast enough for his liking. While crazy white dudes keep perpetrating mass shootings, apparently the great threat to the homeland lies in refugees from Central America who’ve been living peacefully among us for decades.
I guess that Omarosa woman (I’m still not researching the whole reality tv thing. I read all this fucking news, and I have to draw the line someplace.) had a big wedding photo shoot in the White House, just to kind of rub America’s nose in the travesty of this regime? Like, “Here’s the maid of honor barfing on a bust of Winston Churchill!”
Didja see where Wilbur Ross turned out to be a fake billionaire? Yeah, the Head Gnome in Charge of Commerce got caught exaggerating his wealth, and was unceremoniously dropped by the Forbes list o’ billionaires, no doubt being forced to turn in his secret Junior Billionaire Decoder Ring in the process.
Lying about being richer than you actually are? No wonder he and Boss Shart get along so well.
Hey, that was some election night, wasn’t it? America was backed up like a teenage boy who found a Victoria’s Secret catalogue in second period and had to wait the entire school day plus basketball practice to…address his urges. And after a long, frustrating year of painful waiting, we fiiiiiiiiinally got to vote, and godDAMN was it good.
Trumpism got spanked from coast to coast, and not in a fun, sexy, way, but in a you’ve-offended-the-Lord-thy-God-now-here’s-a-cranky-nun-with-a-flail way.
Ok, maybe it was a LITTLE sexy. Couple governor’s mansions, badass new Philadelphia district attorney, a bunch of mayorships, and a Virginia blowout so massive, control of the House of Delegates is up in the air, pending recounts.
As if this wasn’t justice enough, there was extra, bonus justice wherever you looked! The author of anti-transgender bathroom bill lost his seat to a transgender woman! An old white dude who made fun of the women’s march lost to a woman who decided to run precisely in order to teach him a lesson. And the new mayor-elect of Helena, Montana…came to the United States as a refugee!
Let’s also take a moment to cheer an evening of resounding defeat for the murderous National Rifle Association.
Well, maybe their voters listened to Shartboy, Jr., and stayed home.
And of course, while his party was absorbing a coast-to-coast taint-jackhammering as a result of his failed leadership, the Marmalade Shartcannon was over in South Korea, schilling his golf club, because he’s nothing but a petty grifter.
Hilarious how quickly he threw ol’ Ed Gillespie away, like a Kleenex used by the hypothetical teenage boy from a few paragraphs back.
The good people of Maine overwhelmingly said “hellz YES we want to expand Medicaid under the ACA,” only have their governor, Doddering Hate Muppet Paul LePage, vow to block it anyway, because FUCK DEMOCRACY, that’s why.
Did I mention that the unpopular LePage is a two-term governor only because a third party candidate split his opposition in both of his elections? There’s an unsubtle lesson there, for those who still require it.
After their electoral drubbing, the GOP sat up through a long, dark, soul-searching, night, examined their beliefs with cold, unrelenting, objectivity, and decided to get right back to work passing a tax “reform” bill that benefits their donor class at the expense of the rest of the nation.
And of course, everybody fucking hates the bill. Well, everybody except the idle, crustless-triangle-shaped-cucumber-sandwich-eating wealthy.
Gary Cohn tried pitching it by mentioning how excited all his CEO budz have been, because it’s just BREAKING FUCKING NEWS that when you tell a rich dude he’ll be several million dollars richer, he’s all for it.
Of course, Senator Lindsey Graham and Congressdouche Chris Collins said the quiet part out loud, practically trembling in terror that all that sweet American Oligarch dark money will evaporate in a heartbeat if Daddy Mercer doesn’t get his tax cuts.
Corey Lewandowski, who swore up and down for months that He Didn’t Know Any Carter Page, Hey, What’s a Carter Page Anyway, Is That Like Macy’s Line of Kitchenware or Something, but then Carter Page testified under oath in front of congress and PRESTO, Corey’s memory has been magically restored.
But really, pinky swear, this is the ABSOLUTE LAST of the Russia things, there’s no more Russia, how dare you even ask, at least until the next thing surfaces, in which case I reserve the right to have another miraculous memory recovery.
Longtime Shartal Bodyguard Keith Schiller told congress that his pervy boss totally rejected five proffered Russian hookers and their sensually full bladders, even when they were freely offered by his Russian Miss Universe Pageant partners, because such behavior is simply beneath the man who brags about leering at teenagers while they change.
Anyway, Keith says he went to bed, so if anybody was taping anybody peeing on anybody else, he didn’t know nothin’ about it.
Meanwhile, Low-T Rex seems to think the State Department has been expending far too many resources on dumb ol’ diplomacy, and not nearly enough on digging up potentially embarrassing shit on Hillary Clinton. Leadership!
Senator Bob Corker (R – Unleashed) called a hearing to look into the “We’re not really letting a colicky man-baby control our fucking nuclear arsenal” conundrum. I bet McMaster has already replaced the real nuclear football with a Nerf one, and everybody just pretends he launched the missiles, showing him the ending of Dr. Strangelove. Dumb fuck probably thinks he’s already nuked Syria a couple times.
The wave of rats deserting the sinking ship, excuse me, “Republican Congressmen announcing their retirements,” continues to swell. Frank LoBiondo, Ted Poe, Bob Goodlatte, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Or do. Whatevs.
Carl Icahn received a subpoena of his very own, to love and to hug and to nurture, from the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, probably over that whole conflict-of-interest thang, where he was advising the President to do things that would, purely out of coincidence I’m sure, have significantly lined the pockets of one Carl Icahn.
The Trump toadies in FEMA are going after Chef Jose Andrés, because yeah, ok, he’s helping to feed hurricane victims and all, but he’s bein’ awful mouthy about the millions of Puerto Ricans who STILL DON’T HAVE POWER. I mean, it’s not like FEMA has anything better to do. Between passin’ out fat contracts to Cowboy Ryan Zinke’s pals, and yelling at folks for Insufficient Fealty While Cooking, no wonder they haven’t found time to get the lights turned on.
I guess Richard Spencer bounced a check to the University of Florida, payment for the hall he rented for the privilege of being laughed at for a few minutes before running away. Must’ve let the tiki-torches-and-tweed-vests budget spiral out of control.
And the slobbering rage monsters of MAGA nation are boycotting Jim Beam because Mila Kunis makes a monthly donation to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence‘s name. Aren’t these jagoffs already boycotting Starbucks, Target, Netflix, Oreos, Pepsi and sunshine?
We might be onto something here, actually. A few strategic, boycott-inducing acts, these dumbshits will be forced to subsist on a diet made up exclusively of tap water and Brawny paper towels.
KKKRis KKKobach’s Kooky Kulling Komission is gettin’ sued…by a member of itself. I feel like somebody should write a folksy novelty song about this, where KKKris is his own grandpa, and also somehow learns he’s part black, and therefore disenfranchises himself.
The Velveeta Urinal cake can’t even sabotage Obamacare, as sign-ups are hitting new records despite all his careful plans to cover up Obamacare with a couple of ferns and pretend it’s not there.
And Steve Bannon demanded that the hallucinated talking turducken he mistook for Mitch McConnell resign from Senate leadership. Bannon then threw up in his mouth, and absentmindedly chewed the barf for a couple of minutes, before swallowing it again.
Only Nixon could go to China, but only Drumpf be so thoroughly, deeply, CUCKED there. Donnie Two-Scoops sure loved talkin’ like a Big Tuff Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything about China on the campaign trail, right? He was gonna stand up to those nasty Chinese, and Make America Sooooooo Great!
Like all bullies, he gets face to face, and just folds. Actually complimented China for taking so much advantage of dumb, weak, America. Cuuuuuuuuuuck.
For an extra demonstration of just how deep the cucking goes, Little Donnie Dotard broke with the tradition of taking questions from the press, because the Chinese didn’t WANNA. Watching the American President appease authoritarian dictators is gettin’ plenty old, don’tcha think? That big statue of Lincoln’s gonna stand up, march over to the White House, and stomp on Don’s wee, shriveled, balls one of these days.
I see Bashful Bob Mueller’s team sat Shart House Advisor/People Magazine’s Least Sexy Man 2004-Present Stephen Miller down for an interview. My crack investigative sources have obtained a snippet of the transcript, this is a SHOWER CAP EXCLUSIVE:
Mueller: Good morning, Stephen.
Miller: Why is everyone wearing full-body hazmat suits?
Mueller: Oh, that’s because you’re so fucking disgusting. No one wants to accidentally inhale any air that may’ve been inside your body.
Miller: Damn. C’mon, guys –
Mueller: We can’t possibly be the only people who wear hazmat suits around you.
Miller: Well. No. There’s everybody at work. And my landlord. And my mom.
Mueller: Anyway. Let’s get to the treason.
Whelp. Did I miss anything? That new Murder on the Orient Express remake looks kinda fun, I might just –
Wait, what’s that? Roy Moore did what? She was HOW OLD? For fuck’s sake.
So four women have come forward, on the record, and said Judge Roy, professional bigot, “dated” them when they were teenagers. In one case, he initiated sexual contact with her when she FOURTEEN YEARS OLD and he was 32.
Moore tried to get out in front of the story, feeding it to the eager propagandists at Breitbart, who were all too happy to say things like “First off, there’s nothing wrong with a dude in his thirties dating a 16 year old,” and getting progressively more disgusting from there.
And somehow, rather than slinking away in shame, Roy’s hopped on the “fake librul media” train, and he’s fucking FUNDRAISING OFF HIS PEDOPHILIA. And all the usual dirtbags, the ones who were all “I SAW A REDDIT POST SO BRING YOUR GUNS TO THE PIZZA PLACE, HILLARY CLINTON HAS SEX SLAVES” are suddenly insisting “well, it’s he said/she said, and besides what’s so goshdarned bad about a grown man trying to fuck a few teenagers?”
What the SHIT, people?
And because the news somehow wasn’t gross or disappointing enough already, we were treated to a round of comments from the Good Christian Men of the Alabama Republican Party, who were all totally down with Roy Moore, even if he did spend his thirties preying on teenagers, because Jesus prefers child molesters to Democrats, apparently.
Anyway. A few congressional Republicans issued stern Tsk Tsks, and there’s some rumbling about a Luther Strange write-in campaign, but with such a slim majority in the Senate, it’ll be damned interesting to see just how dedicated to the once-uncontroversial “Pedophiles Are Bad” position Yertle & Co. turn out to be.
Fuck, y’all. Life is like a box of chocolates, and I’m goddamn TERRIFIED of what I’m gonna get now. Tomorrow’s chocolate will be, like, a cockroach that whispers to me that I should cut off the mailman’s knees and wear them like shoulder pads.