Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Has Congress’ Discovery of Your Impeachable Crimes Got You Down? Shriek Your Cares Away with Rudy Giuliani’s RANTERCISE!
I no longer miss 2016, when the government was kinda functional and democracy was relatively healthy; I’m increasingly nostalgic for the comparatively mild insanity of 2017, when Strawberry Shartcake still had a handful of adult babysitters, restraining his worst impulses. Can’t we bring back Mattis or McMaster, maybe with one of those toddler leashes?
Caesar Salad Cosplayer Sean Spicer tried blaming a poor score on the first episode of Dancing With the Stars on religious persecution, because while a Shart House gig is temporary, the whinging victimhood complex is 4 LYFE. By the way, If there’s a heaven, there won’t be any Trump Administration officials there, Sean. The works you have done on Earth have been evil, you have betrayed your country, your religion, and humanity in general. And that was before your crimes against dance; you’re beyond lost now.
Speaking of whining, the Pentagon is complaining about all the suddenly underfunded projects abandoned in the frenzy to finance the Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants. Sorry, campers, you should’ve stood up to Government Cheese Goebbels’ unconstitutional power grab when you had the chance; if the President can dodge the congressional appropriations process by raiding the military budget whenever he feels like it, knowing the coffers will simply be refilled at the earliest opportunity, we don’t have a republic anymore, we have a dictatorship. Y’all are supposed to FIGHT for your country; I believe there was even an oath.
Not that a silly little thing like an oath means much, to, say, a sneering mediocrity like Corey Lewandowski, who used a hearing before the House Judiciary Committee to launch a potential Senate campaign, apparently on an “owning the libs” platform. And I get that; when you’re a post-accomplishments party with nothing but unpopular policy proposals, irritating the other team is really all you have to offer. But even the trolling fun stopped when counsel Barry Berke took over questioning and nailed Corey’s hopelessly subpar ass to the wall. And there may even be contempt charges coming, how fun!
I was on a nice little run of functional transitions there, but that’s all over now. Anyway, we keep learning more about just how much taxpayer money the Air Force has been funneling into the Grifter Grand Wizard’s pockets via financing sleepovers at his floundering Scottish golf resort; it looks like they, and by they of course I mean WE, because it is OUR FUCKING MONEY, may have been his best damn customer lately. Do we at least get a free toaster oven out of that? If so, I’m calling dibs on that shit.
And the Party of Family Values just keeps on churnin’ out pedophiles, this time in the Pennsylvania Senate. Regrettably, Mike Folmer resigned before Shart Garfunkel could swing by to hold a rally for him.
24 state attorneys general are suing the Taintfungus Administration over their petulant insistence on punishing all life on Earth out of spite at California, via eliminating the fifth largest economy in the world’s right to set their own auto emissions standards. I hope the inevitable Waterworld remake (which may wind up being a goddamn documentary) mentions how much responsibility lies with a single tantruming manchild.
While strangling the environment with one (tiny, inadequate) hand, with the other, Tangerine Idi Amin is cynically manipulating an EPA rule to punish San Francisco, tossing around horseshit accusations that the homeless there are filling the ocean with needles or some such drivel. It’s a little weird, having a government that’s always looking for loopholes in order to find new ways to shit on Americans, but at least we didn’t elect that e-mail lady.
There’s so much reprehensible crap going on, I can’t even keep track of what’s happening with Iran. Having set the whole fucking process back several turns, without passing Go or collecting $200, by backing out of Obama’s carefully negotiated arrangement, the Shart of the Deal imposed new sanctions, in a bid to make up some of the ground he cleverly gave up in exchange for nothing, but I don’t think we’re at war yet, right? (Somebody in the comments is gonna go, “Cap, are you okay? We’ve been at war with Iran for nine months. Your cat was drafted,” and I’ll go “Right! I should send her a care package!”)
Domestically, the Hairplug That Ate Decency diligently continues his efforts to get Congresswoman Ilhan Omar killed, tweeting out a fake video claiming she danced with glee on 9/11. Aside from being absolutely fucking awful, this accusation just isn’t remotely credible. Who would be that crass? It’d be like bragging about having the tallest building in Manhattan while the rubble was still smoking, and nobody’s that…wait.
We could use a little comic relief right about now, huh? How about we all sit down, crack a beer, and take a moment to watch the Handsomest Senator, New Mexico’s Martin Heinrich, humiliate ridiculous, lying, gun nut John Lott over his history of using fake internet profiles to post fawning comments on his own articles?
Once you’re done gut-laughing, spare a shudder for the realization that one of America’s two great political parties has descended into such intellectual squalor that they could think of no more fitting witness for a congressional hearing than a sad little clown who spends his days complimenting himself on the internet. And if you’re all, “be fair, Cap, it’s not that bad,” allow me to point you to Exhibit B: Candace Owens’ (yes, the Hitler Lady) stupefyingly moronic musings at another congressional hearing, on white supremacy, which she says is no biggie, what’s a little mass-murder here and there among friends?
Former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson re-emerged to tell everybody that Benjamin Netanyahu was really good at manipulating Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops with misinformation, and, like, DUH. If a gibbering, inbred, twit like Kim Jong-un can make him jump through hoops, just IMAGINE what a pro like Netanyahu (or that one fellah, Vlad something?) could do. Fuck, if you painted a door with “teen beauty pageant dressing room” on it on a brick wall, he’d keep running into it until he knocked himself out.
In other Netanyahu news, looks like Bibi lost his election, HA FUCKING HA. None of y’all authoritarian dirtbags should get too comfortable; like any other fad, the world is moving on, hopefully before we spend all our allowance money on slap bracelets and concentration camps.
I guess Stephen Miller has a girlfriend now, and I’m trying to imagine the inner life of the person would look at Eichmann, But Meaner and Less Attractive and think “mmmm, I want me some of that!” Meryl fucking Streep couldn’t figure that role out.
For a guy who likes to decorate with paintings of himself hanging out with Jesus, Ben Carson sure is an utterly immoral jagoff. I guess the mega-genius who thinks the pyramids were built to store grain thinks it’s super funny to mock transgender people, and let me just say I am definitely not watching whatever reality show this hateful jackass eventually lands on.
Hey, speaking of the unbridled hate of the current administration, Betsy DeVos’ Department of Education is threatening to cut off funding to Duke and UNC unless they turn their Middle East studies program over to Frank Gaffney and Pam Geller, chastising the schools for focusing on “the positive aspects of Islam.” Look, all this controversy could be avoided if the government would simply issue clear guidelines on precisely how much bigotry these grants require; like, do you have to wear Klan robes in the classroom, or would a little swastika pin on the collar be sufficient?
Anyway, that wraps up the week’s news. Unless you want me to hit this “whisteblower” thing real quick? It’s pretty dull, honestly, just “high crimes and misdemeanors” stuff. Oh, fine.
See there was this whistleblower, and he* blew his whistle, because If You See Something, Say Something, and he fuckin’ SAW SOMETHING. And the law says such whistleblower complaints must be turned over to the U.S. Congress, but if the criminal cabal squatting in our executive branch is willing to violate the emoluments clause of Constitution for the sake of some petty bribes at tacky hotels, they sure as fuck aren’t going to turn over evidence of impeachment-worthy felonies, and so Redactor General Billy Barr stuffed the complaint down the front of his pants, and dared Congress to come and get it. Adam Schiff, a braver man than I, fuckin’ went for it, and in doing so alerted the world to the thrilling new season of Donald Trump Obstructs Justice.
Details of the complaint trickled out one by one, like a terrifyingly-high-stakes game of twenty questions. The complaint involves the Marmalade Shartcannon himself. The complaint covers multiple incidents. The complaint involves a mysterious “promise” made to a foreign leader. The complaint is bigger than a breadbox.
You knew shit was serious when Rudy Giuliani felt the need to take a break from jerking off to old photos of his own kin to try peddling his bullshit spin on CNN. Now I’m not qualified to give legal advice**, but I think when your personal lawyer is shrieking like a community theatre actor auditioning for Titus Andronicus and confessing to major crimes, live on TV, things aren’t exactly going your way.
And then the dam burst, and we learned that it was what we all knew it was all along; the President of the United States, a cornered animal, desperate to cling to the legal immunity granted by his office, but terrified to face an electorate that loathes him because he’s a 300-pound bag of rhino shit who absolutely sucks at his job, repeatedly tried to blackmail the government of Ukraine into opening a bogus investigation into Joe Biden, the affable septuagenarian who has led him in literally every poll ever conducted on the subject.
It’s an enormous crime, and honestly, I just hope we can win our country back before the Offal in the Oval rots it into nothingness.
How, in the midst of today’s so-many-impeachable-offenses-I’ve-lost-fucking-count shitstorm can I find even a glimmer of positive news to leave my readers with a hopeful smile? Friends, it’s not even hard. Did you see the turnout at the global climate strike marches? Millions of people, all around the world, led by the whippersnapper demographic. The future looks downright fuckin’ bright, and the present? Well, there’s some welcome-if-morbid demographic data on that front as well…
Holy fuck, y’all. I think we’ve earned our weekend. And by “weekend,” I mean “beer.” And by “beer,” I mean “thirty beers.”
PS – We’re sending troops to Saudi Arabia now, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
*Or she, but the Scumfuck-in-Chief is already saying “he,” though I’m sure he’s followed all the laws forbidding him to view the complaint, wink wink.
** Why would you want legal advice from a drunken lunatic in a mask and a bathrobe? Just google “lawyers near me.” Christ.